Demetri Martin. Person.

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 01/13/2007

Demetri Martin explains why rock-paper-scissors is illogical, people in glass houses really should thrown stones and turtles are the ideal way to advertise a band.

SO I THINK I'M GOING TO END ON THAT IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

OH, OKAY. THEY'RE SAYINGI SHOULD DO MORE.

ALL RIGHT.

I SAW A FRIEND OF MINE, AND I WENT TO SHAKE HIS HAND.

I WENT IN FOR THE HANDSHAKE.

WHEN I WENT TO SHAKE HIS HAND, HE SQUEEZES THE FINGERS PART.

HE CUT ME OFF,

MAKING ME GIVE HIM A WUSSY HANDSHAKE.

BUT I THOUGHT, LIKE, QUICKLY,AND I JUST WENT WITH IT.

I JUST WENT, "CHARMED."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

PUNK!

YOU CUT ME OFF,I'LL CURTSY ON YOUR ASS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HATE WHEN I GO IN FOR A HANDSHAKE --

I'M COMING IN TRADITIONAL, I'M SHOWING YOU MY HAND --

AND THEN THE PERSONCOMES BACK TO ME

WITH, LIKE, THE FIST THING.

THEN I'VE GOT TO SCRAMBLE AND, LIKE, UPGRADE.

"OH, WE'RE DOING THE FIST? OKAY, LIKE..."

'CAUSE YOURS IS NEWER --I GOT TO DO YOUR THING.

SO I DON'T DO IT.

I JUST GO LIKE, "PAPER COVERS ROCK, BITCH."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BEST OF ONE.

WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,

I LIKE ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS TWO-THIRDS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ROCK BREAKS SCISSORS.

THESE SCISSORS ARE BENT. THEY'RE DESTROYED.

I CAN'T CUT STUFF. THE ROCK -- I LOSE.

SCISSORS CUTS PAPER.

THESE ARE STRIPS -- THIS IS NOT EVEN PAPER.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE ME FOREVER TO PUT THIS BACK TOGETHER.

YOU GOT ME.

PAPER COVERS ROCK.

ROCK IS FINE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO STRUCTURAL DAMAGE TO ROCK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ROCK CAN BREAK THROUGH PAPER AT ANY POINT.

JUST SAY THE WORD.

PAPER SUCKS.

IT SHOULD BE ROCK,DYNAMITE WITH A CUTTABLE WICK...

SCISSORS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PRETTY GOOD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE EASIEST TIME TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY

IS WHEN YOU'RE SIGNINGSOMEBODY'S CAST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU'RE A DICK."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU DESERVE THIS.

ALSO, I'M SORRY I BROKE YOUR LEG."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"JERK." [ CHUCKLES ]

I WONDER WHAT'STHE SMALLEST GARBAGE CAN

I CAN PUT ON THE CURB OUTSIDE MY HOUSE...

AND HAVE THEM EMPTY IT AND PUT IT BACK, YOU KNOW?

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I HATE THIS GUY.I HATE THIS GUY.

"THIS FRIGGING TINY -- FOUR? REALLY?

"FOUR TINY GARBAGE CANS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HE CHAINED THEM UP, MAN!COME ON!"

THEN, ONE TIME,

I WOULD LEAVE A TINY SWEATERNEXT TO THE CANS.

SO WHEN THE GARBAGE MAN COMES, HE'S LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS GUY'S NOT A JERK. WE HAVE A TINY RESIDENT LIVING HERE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THIS IS APPROPRIATELY SIZED. NEVER MIND.

"REGULAR-SIZE HOUSE, THOUGH --

HE'S DOING VERY WELL FOR HIMSELF."

I WAS SITTING THERE, I WAS WRITING IN MY NOTEBOOK,

AND I SUDDENLY HEARD [SMOOCHES]

SO I LOOKED UP. I WAS LIKE, "HUH?"

AND THERE WAS A GUY STANDING FOUR FEET FROM ME JUST GOING...

[ SMOOCHES ]

...TO A SQUIRREL THAT WAS THREE FEET FROM ME.

SO I LOOKED AT THE SQUIRREL,AND HE WASN'T LOOKING UP.

I REALIZED, "OH, MAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I'M LESS FOCUSEDTHAN SQUIRRELS?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M WORKING --I HEAR [SMOOCHES]

"HUH? WHAT'S THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AIMED AT THE SQUIRREL -- HE'S LIKE, "COME ON, MAN, REALLY?

NICE TRY, STUPID.I GOT AN ACORN."

I SAW A SIGN ON THIS DOOR THAT SAID, "EXIT ONLY,"

SO I ENTERED IT, AND I WENT UPTO THE GUY WORKING THERE,

AND I WAS LIKE,"I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU HAVE SEVERELY UNDERESTIMATED

"THIS DOOR OVER HERE...

BY, LIKE, 100%, MAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HATE HEAVY DOORS.

I HATE WHEN THERE'S A HEAVY DOOR,

'CAUSE THERE SHOULD BE A SIGN ON IT...

THAT SAYS, "WARNING...

YOU'RE GONNA LOOK WEAK RIGHT NOW!"

"DAMN IT.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, MAN? I'M WALKING WITH A GIRL HERE!

I DON'T WANT TO STRUGGLE TO GET INTO THE BAR!"

SO, NOW I TREAT EVERY DOOR LIKE IT'S HEAVY

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TOGET BURNED AGAIN.

THE PROBLEM IS, EVERY DOOR ISN'T HEAVY.

SO I'M, LIKE, SLAMMING DOORS.

I DON'T WANT TO SLAM A DOOR

AND NOT HAVE AN EMOTIONTO GO WITH THE ACTIVITY.

THAT LOOKS CRAZY.

SO I END UP IN SITUATIONS WHERE I GO INTO A CONVENIENCE STORE,

AND I'M JUST LIKE, BAM!

"I NEED SOME GUM -- NOW!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I DON'T HAVE TIME TO MESS AROUND, MAN.

"I GOT SOME BAD BREATH!

WHY'S YOUR DOOR SO LIGHT? THAT LOOKS DELICIOUS!"

I WANT TO MAKE A REVOLVING DOOR THAT SAYS "PULL" ON IT.

JUST SEE HOW OBEDIENT PEOPLE ARE, YOU KNOW?

BE LIKE "OH, IT'S ONE OF THESE. I'M SORRY.

"START IT BACK -- EXCUSE ME.SORRY, JUST COMING THROUGH HERE.

SORRY ABOUT -- YEAH. IT'S THE DOOR, IT'S NOT ME."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

ON THIS PAD, I HAVE DATA FROM THE LAST YEAR.

THESE ARE FINDINGS.

SO I'D LIKE TO GET INTO THAT.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

OKAY. I'M GONNA START WITH A SIMPLE CHART.

OKAY, THIS IS PRETTY SIMPLE.

THIS IS HOW SHORT THE PERSON IS VERSUS HOW DRUNK THE PERSON IS.

AND THIS LINE IS HOW FUNNY IT IS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU SEE, THE SHORTER AND MORE DRUNK THE PERSON IS,

THE FUNNIER IT IS.

THIS UP HERE WOULD BE LIKE A MIDGET OR A SMALL CHILD

WHO'S VERY DRUNK.

HERE, THIS GUY'S 6 FOOT, AND HE'S JUST BUZZING.

IT'S LIKE, "NO, NOT SO MUCH."

BUT HERE, WE HAVE A DWARF

WHO'S ABOUT TO TAKE A DIVE OFF A CHAIR.

"CAN I GET THIS MAN ANOTHER SHOT,

MAYBE SOME WHISKEY IN A THIMBLE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY, BREAKDOWNOF HUMMER OWNERS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

TOUGH GUYS COME IN AT 43% OF THE OWNERS.

PRICKS ARE 27%.

DOUCHE BAGS ARE 15%.

NOW, DILDOES ARE ALMOST 15% -- AND THIS IS INTERESTING

'CAUSE I NEVER HAD TO PLURALIZE "DILDO" BEFORE.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S RIGHT.IT LOOKS LIKE "DIL DOES."

AND I HOPEI NEVER HAVE TO AGAIN...

LIKE IN A DEPOSITION OR SOMETHING.

"HOW MANY DILDOES WERE THERE?"

"I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M SORE AND I WANT TO GO HOME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HOW FUNNY I FIND FARTS BY LOCATION."

SCHOOL IS PRETTY FUNNY. CHURCH IS FUNNIER.

MY FACE ISN'T FUNNY AT ALL.THAT'S NEGATIVE.

MY BROTHER'S FACE IS OFF THE CHARTS, THOUGH.

SCUBA -- I'M NOT SURE.

IT DEPENDS.

LIKE, IF YOU CAN SEE THE BUBBLESCOME OUT OF THE WET SUIT,

THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY. IT'S LIKE, "HA, HA!

"WE HAVE A MAN PUNISHING FISH OVER IN THE DISTANCE.

VERY NICE."

ACTUALLY, IT'S PROBABLY FUNNIER

IF YOU CAN'T SEE THE BUBBLES COME OUT,

'CAUSE YOU SEE A GUY SWIMMING,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN HE JUST STARTS TO STRUGGLE

IN HIS OWN AIR SUPPLY.

"MUST STOP FARTING INTO OWN...NOSTRILS!

NEVER -- TACOS BEFORE SCUBA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

FLOW CHART OF CLOWNS.

CIRCUS -- ANNOYING. BIRTHDAY CLOWNS -- SAD.

ONE THAT'S JUST AROUND IS CREEPY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IF ANY OF THEM GET HURT, IT'S FUNNY.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE'S A SAYING THAT GOES,

"PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSESSHOULDN'T THROW STONES."

OKAY.

HOW ABOUT, "NOBODY SHOULD THROW STONES"?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S CRAPPY BEHAVIOR.

MY POLICY IS "NO STONE-THROWING

REGARDLESS OF HOUSING SITUATION."

DON'T DO IT.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE IS ONE EXCEPTION, THOUGH.

IF YOU'RE TRAPPED IN A GLASS HOUSE...

AND YOU HAVE A STONE, THEN THROW IT!

WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT?

SO REALLY, IT'S, "ONLY PEOPLE IN GLASS HOUSES

"SHOULD THROW STONES...

PROVIDED THEY ARE TRAPPED IN THE HOUSE WITH THE STONES."

IT'S A LITTLE LONGER, BUT YOU KNOW.

PONYTAIL LOCATIONS. OKAY.

PONY'S ASS -- OKAY.

BACK OF MY DAD'S FRIEND'S HEAD -- NOT OKAY...

MOSTLY 'CAUSE OF THIS AREA RIGHT HERE.

THIS ISN'T HELPING THIS.THAT'S NOT GOOD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS A PIE CHART ABOUT PROCRASTINATION.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERING ]

OKAY, THIS IS VERY AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL.

THIS IS THE CUTENESS OF THE GIRL VERSUS HOW INTERESTED I AM

IN HEARING ABOUT HOW INTUITIVE HER CAT IS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SEE, THE CUTER THE GIRL IS,

THE MORE I'M WILLING TO HEAR -- "HE'S VERY INTUITIVE."

BUT YOU'LL NOTICE AT A CERTAIN POINT,

I DON'T CARE HOW CUTE YOU ARE.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR [BLEEP] CAT ANYMORE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERING ]

I HATE YOUR CAT.

WHEN YOU LEAVE THE ROOM,I TRY TO GET IT.

THIS IS MY ABILITY TO DRAW MOUNTAINS OVER TIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LEARNED SOMETHING ON THE ROAD, TRAVELING AROUND --

STATE SHAPES.

THE EASIER IT IS TO DRAW THE SHAPE OF THE STATE,

THE HARDER IT IS TO LIVE IN THAT STATE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO IF YOU LIVE IN A REGULAR POLYGON,

GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

YOU'VE GOT TO MOVE TO A SQUIGGLY AREA.

CULTURE IS ATTRACTED TO SQUIGGLES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THOSE WHO SEE THE GLASS HALF FULL ARE CONSIDERED OPTIMISTS.

YEAH, BUT SHOULDN'T WE BE MORE SPECIFIC

ABOUT THE CONTENTS OF THE GLASS?

IF IT'S A GLASS OF [BLEEP] I'M GOING HALF EMPTY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T LIKE [BLEEP]

AS AN OPTIMIST, THERE'SA HALF-EMPTY [BLEEP] GLASS HERE,

SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

BABY BLOOD, THAT'S EVEN MORE COMPLICATED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IS THIS BLOOD GOING TO A BABY OR COMING FROM A BABY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF IT'S TO A BABY, YEAH,

WE GOT A HALF-FULL GLASS OF BABY BLOOD HERE.

IT'S GONNA BE FINE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

FROM THE BABY, OKAY, HOLD ON.

IT'S A HALF-EMPTYBABY-BLOOD GLASS.

DON'T ASK ME WHY HE COLLECTED THE BLOOD IN A GLASS.

JUST LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING.

FINALLY, PILLOW FIGHTS.

OKAY, MAN vs. WOMAN -- FUN.

MAN vs. MAN -- GAY.

WOMAN vs. WOMAN -- AWESOME.

MAN vs. PILLOW -- CRAZY.

PILLOW vs. PILLOW -- CRAZY AWESOME.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S A REAL PILLOW FIGHT RIGHT THERE.

IF YOU SEE TWO PILLOWS FIGHTING,YOU KNOW SOMETHING'S GOING DOWN.

THEY'RE DESIGNED FOR RELAXATION.

IF THEY'RE FIGHTING, WHAT HOPE DO WE HAVE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE TIME,I SAW TWO GEESE FIGHTING,

AND I WAS LIKE, "THIS IS A PILLOW FIGHT AHEAD OF TIME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ HEY, PORCUPINES

♪ O-O-OH

Martin: WHENEVER PEOPLE TALKABOUT PORCUPINES,

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT THE NEEDLES.

♪ OUCH

OH, HE'S GOT NEEDLES -- WATCH OUT.

WELL, I WANT TO KNOW OTHER STUFF,

LIKE, "ARE THEY GOOD SWIMMERS?"

"HOW DOES A PORCUPINE HANDLE HIMSELF IN THE WATER?"

♪ DON'T KNOW

♪ DON'T KNOW

"ARE THEY SOCIAL?"

♪ DON'T KNOW

"WHAT KIND OF HABITS DO PORCUPINES HAVE?"

♪ WANNA KNOW

AND "WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I THREW MARSHMALLOWS AT ONE..."

♪ DON'T KNOW

"...AND THEN ROASTED HIM OVER A FIRE?"

♪ COULD BE GOOD

SO, WITH PORCUPINES,IT'S NOT JUST NEEDLES, YOU KNOW.

THEY'RE ALSO LIKE...

SKEWERS.

♪ MMM-MMM-MMM

♪ MMM

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

PORCUPINES.

♪ A POWER NAP

♪ IS WHEN YOU SLEEP ON SOMEONE WHO'S WEAKER THAN YOU ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ I WENT WHALE-WATCHING ONCE

♪ IT WAS VERY SIMILAR

♪ TO WATCHING PEOPLE ON A BOAT BECOME DISAPPOINTED ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ WE DID A LOT OF WHALE THINKING-ABOUT THAT DAY ♪

♪ A MOBILE HOME WITH A FLAT TIRE IS A HOME ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ IF YOU CAN'T TELLTHE DIFFERENCE ♪

♪ BETWEEN A SPOON AND A LADLE,THEN YOU'RE FAT ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ I WANT TO PUT STICKERS ON TURTLES ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY

♪ I JUST KNOW I WANT TO PUT THEM ON THEM ♪

♪ THAT'S THE BEST KIND OF ANIMAL ♪

♪ FOR ADVERTISING YOUR BAND IN MOTHER NATURE ♪

♪ NOW, I GOT A TIME MACHINEAT HOME ♪

♪ IT ONLY GOES FORWARD AT REGULAR SPEED ♪

♪ IT'S ESSENTIALLY A CARDBOARD BOX ♪

♪ AND ON THE OUTSIDE, I WROTE "TIME MACHINE" IN SHARPIE ♪

[ BELL CHIMES ]

♪ I LOVE UNNECESSARY BELLS

[ BELLS CHIME ]

♪ HOW FAST DOES A ZEBRA HAVE TO RUN BEFORE IT LOOKS GRAY? ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ NOW, I MET MANY CHOCOHOLICS

♪ BUT I AIN'T NEVER SEEN NO CHOCOHOL ♪

♪ WE GOT AN EPIDEMIC, PEOPLE

♪ PEOPLE WHO LOVE CHOCOLATE

♪ AND DON'T UNDERSTAND THE RULESOF WORD ENDINGS ♪

♪ THEY'RE PROBABLY OVERWORK-OHOLED ♪

♪ THEY CALL IT "FISHING"

♪ BUT THEY SHOULD CALL IT WAS IT REALLY IS -- ♪

♪ "TRICKING AND KILLING"

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ FISHING

♪ HIKING IS JUST WALKINGWHERE IT'S OKAY TO PEE ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ SOMETIMES, OLD PEOPLE HIKE BY MISTAKE ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ NOW, IF YOU'REA CHICK MAGNET ♪

♪ BE VERY CAREFULABOUT WHICH DIRECTION YOU FACE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU COULD BECOME A CHICK REPELLANT ♪

♪ YEAH

♪ I WANT TO COMMIT A CRIME DURING A RE-ENACTMENT ♪

♪ TURN IT INTO AN ENACTMENT

[ BELL CHIMES ]

♪ "HOT POTATO" IS A VERY DIFFERENT GAME ♪

♪ WHEN THE PEOPLE PLAYING ARE STARVING ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ THEN IT'S MORE LIKE "MY POTATO" ♪

♪ BURNED FINGERTIPS, AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN -- FREE POTATO! ♪

♪ IT'S VERY EASY TO TURN A TOY INTO AN ADULT TOY ♪

♪ LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ IF I EVER SAW AN AMPUTEE BEING HANGED ♪

♪ I WOULD JUST YELL OUTLETTERS ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ BELL CHIMES ]

♪ YEAH

[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

I USED TO GET BUMMED OUT WHEN IT RAINED.

BUT THEN I REALIZED THAT'S GOD'S WAY OF WASHING OFF HIPPIES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

RAIN IS SHORT FOR "PATCHOULI NEUTRALIZER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOMETIMES, WHEN YOU LEARN THE MEANING OF A TERM,

IT CAN BE VERY DISAPPOINTING.

WHEN I WAS A KID,

WE WERE GOING TO MEET ONE OF MY MOM'S FRIENDS ONCE,

AND ON THE WAY, SHE DESCRIBED HIM TO ME AS A "CAT PERSON."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE GOT THERE -- I WAS LIKE "WAIT A MINUTE, YOU JUST LIKE CATS?

"THAT'S A CAT-LIKER, MAN.

CAT PERSON'S A DIFFERENT STORY."

"WHY DOES STEPHEN NEVER GO IN THE POOL?

OH, HE'S A CAT PERSON. ALL RIGHT."

I THINK THEY SHOULD PUT PIES ON THE FRONTS OF TRAINS

SO THAT WHEN THEY HIT SOMETHING,

IT'S AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT FUNNY.

[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

"HE'S DEAD, BUT...

"THERE'S A CREAM PIE RIGHT IN HIS FACE.

THIS IS A LITTLE BIT FUNNY, SERGEANT, I HAVE TO ADMIT."

I SAW A TRANSVESTITE WEARING A SHIRT THAT SAID, "GUESS."

I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET,AND THIS GUY WAVED TO ME.

THEN HE CAME UP TO ME

AND SAID, "I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE."

I SAID, "I AM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LOVE BIRTHDAYS.

YOU GET A CAKE FOR EVERY YEAR THAT YOU'RE ALIVE.

WHEN I SEE A NEW BABY,I'M LIKE, "YES...

"PLEASE SURVIVE...

AND LIKE CHOCOLATE."

CAKES ARE THE ONLY FOOD WE WRITE ON.

IT'S ALWAYS SO ENCOURAGING, LIKE, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEO."

"CONGRATULATIONS, ERIC."

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE MISSING AN OPPORTUNITY.

I'M TALKING ABOUT NEGATIVE CAKES.

"SURPRISE, YOU'RE ADOPTED!"

'CAUSE THAT'S WHEN YOU WANT CAKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LOVE WOMEN, BUT YOU CAN'T ALWAYS TRUST THEM.

'CAUSE SOME OF THEM ARE LIARS.

LIKE THIS GIRL I MET IN THE PARK.

SHE WAS WALKING HER DOG,AND SHE WAS CUTE,

SO I STARTED TO TALK TO HER.

SHE TOLD ME HER DOG'S NAME.

I SAID, "DOES HE BITE?"

SHE SAID, "NO."

I SAID, "OH, YEAH? THEN HOW DOES HE EAT?"

LIAR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M IN A WEIRD SITUATION, 'CAUSE I LIKE RAINBOWS,

BUT I'M NOT GAY.

SO I'LL WEAR A RAINBOW ON MY SHIRT,

BUT THEN UNDER IT,I GOT TO PUT, "NOT GAY."

BUT I'M NOT AGAINST GAY PEOPLE,

SO THEN, UNDER THAT, I GOT TO PUT, "BUT SUPPORTIVE."

I JUST THINK IT'S WEIRD THAT ONE GROUP TOOK REFRACTED LIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S PRETTY GREEDY, GAYS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ PIANO, HARMONICA PLAY ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

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[ APPLAUSE ]

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[ APPLAUSE ]

[ SCATTERED LAUGHTER ]

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[ APPLAUSE ]

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[ APPLAUSE ]

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[ CHEERING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HELLO, MY NAME IS PROFESSOR IRWIN GLANDS.

I AM A DOCTOR OF MYTHO-ZOOLOGY,

AND TODAY, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT SOME LESS COMMON MYTHICAL CREATURES.

A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF -- I HAVE SEVERAL ADVANCED DEGREES

AND HAVE WRITTENA NUMBER OF BOOKS

ON THE TOPIC OF, UH, LEGENDS, FOLKLORE, MYTHOLOGY,

SPECIFICALLY WITH RESPECT TO...

ANIMALS.

MOST OF YOU HAVE PROBABLY HEARD OF CERTAIN IMAGINARY CREATURES

LIKE THE DRAGON OR THE...

UNICORN.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOME THATYOU MAY NOT BE SO FAMILIAR WITH.

I'D LIKE TO START WITH A CREATURE FROM THE SEA --

THE VERTIMAID.

MUCH LIKE A MERMAID, IT'S HALF WOMAN, HALF FISH.

BUT, UNLIKE A MERMAID,

THE VERTIMAIDIS SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE,

WHICH MAKES ITA LITTLE LESS ATTRACTIVE

THAN A TYPICAL MERMAID

AND ALSO CREATES CERTAIN PHYSICAL PROBLEMS.

NEXT UP IS THE AMOEBICORN.

THIS IS LIKE AN AMOEBA,

BUT IT HAS A VERY SMALL HORN...

ATTACHED TO IT.

THIS ANIMAL IS VERY IMAGINARY

BECAUSE IT'S VERY SMALL.

TO IMAGINE A HORN THAT SMALL IS VERY DIFFICULT...

AND IT'S VERY...MAGICAL.

A VERY BEAUTIFULMYTHICAL CREATURE

IS CALLED THE ZEBRATARD.

AND THIS ANIMALIS ONE-HALF PIG, ONE-HALF EAGLE,

ONE-HALF ZEBRA -- MAKING IT AN IMPROPER FRACTION,

SO THAT'S THREE-HALVES OF A CREATURE.

THAT'S 1 1/2 MYTHICAL CREATURES,

AND IT'S SURPRISINGLY GRACEFUL

AND VERY RARE.

AN IMAGINARY CREATURE THAT HAS CONFUSED EXPERTS FOR CENTURIES

IS THE PARADOXOTAUR.

THIS CREATURE...

ONLY EXISTS IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT EXISTS.

BUT IF YOU DO BELIEVE IT EXISTS, THEN IT DOES NOT EXIST.

EXPERTS HAVE MADE GUESSES

AS TO THE APPEARANCE OF THE PARADOXOTAUR --

WHAT FORM IT MIGHT TAKE --

BUT REALLY, IT'S ANYBODY'S GUESS.

FINALLY, I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT

THE MOST CONTROVERSIALMYTHICAL CREATURE OF ALL,

AND THAT IS THE RexFidoBuster,

WHICH IS A THREE-HEADED DOG...

THAT ALSO HAS THREE DOG BODIES.

THIS HAS STIRRED UP A BIT OF CONTENTION

IN THE MYTHO-ZOOLOGICAL FIELD,

BECAUSE SOME EXPERTS CONTEND

THAT THIS IS SIMPLY THREE DOGSSTANDING NEAR EACH OTHER.

WELL, I'VE GOT TOGET BACK TO WORK,

BUT I HOPE THIS WAS INFORMATIVE...

AND HELPFUL.

TAKE CARE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FORGOT MY HARMONICA. DAMN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'LL GET IT...

THE COOL WAY.

[ BELLS CHIME ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ BELL CHIMES ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

THERE'S A STORE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

CALLED "FUTON WORLD."

I LOVE THAT NAME -- "FUTON WORLD."

MAKES ME THINK OF A MAGICAL PLACE

THAT BECOMES LESS COMFORTABLE OVER TIME.

[ HARMONICA PLAYS, BELLS CHIME ]

WHENEVER I USE MY COMPUTER, I DON'T TYPE "LOL."

I TYPE "LQTM" --

"LAUGH QUIETLY TO MYSELF."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S MORE HONEST.

BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANT TO SOUND LIKE A CREEP,

JUST ADD THE WORD "LADIES" TO THE END OF THINGS THAT YOU SAY.

YOU SOUND LIKE A CREEP -- COULD BE HARMLESS, TOO.

LIKE, "THANKS FOR COMING TO MY SHOW...

LADIES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HELP, I'VE FALLEN INTO A WELL, AND I'M TRAPPED...

LADIES."

IT'S LIKE A JACUZZI WITH REALLY HIGH WALLS.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

WENT INTO THIS CLOTHING STORE --

THE LADY WORKING THERE, SHE GOT MAD AT ME.

SHE SAID, "WHAT SIZE ARE YOU?"

I SAID "ACTUAL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THIS AIN'T A TRICK, BABY."

SHE WAS AMAZING. I NEVER MET A WOMAN LIKE HER BEFORE.

SHE SHOWED ME TO THE DRESSING ROOM.

SHE SAID,"IF YOU NEED ANYTHING...

I'M JILL."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

I NEVER MET A WOMAN BEFORE WITH A CONDITIONAL IDENTITY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT IF I DON'T NEED ANYTHING? WHO ARE YOU?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"IF YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING, I'M MIKE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

A QUICK WAY TO START A CONVERSATION

IS TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?"

QUICK WAY TO END A CONVERSATION

IS TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR...

PERSON?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LIKE VIDEO GAMES,BUT THEY'RE VERY VIOLENT.

I WANT TO DESIGN A VIDEO GAME

IN WHICH YOU HAVE TO TAKE CAREOF ALL THE PEOPLE

WHO'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE OTHER GAMES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HEY, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING?"

"SUPER-BUSY HOSPITAL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.

"I'M PERFORMING SURGERY ON A MAN

WHO WAS SHOT IN THE HEAD 57 TIMES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOMEBODY ASKS YOU THE QUESTION, "ARE YOU TICKLISH?"

DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER YOU SAY "YES" OR "NO."

THEY'RE GOING TO TOUCH YOU.

IF THEY SAY, "ARE YOU TICKLISH?"

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BETOUCHED,

YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE...

"I HAVE DIARRHEA.

AND YES."

[ BELLS CHIME ]

"I'M VERY TICKLISH."

[ BELL CHIMES ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME WITH MY JOKES

RIGHT UP UNTIL I TELL THEM.

BUT THEN, I NEVER THINK ABOUT THEM AGAIN.

I WONDER WHERE MY JOKES GO AFTER THAT.

[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

WELL, I KNOW THEY START IN MY HEAD.

THE JOKE FLIES THROUGH THE AIR,

THEN HITS PEOPLE'S EARS.

THEN IT KEEPS FLYING...

AND GOES INTO THE EARSOF ANIMALS, TOO.

BUT THEY'RE TOO STUPIDTO GET THE JOKE.

AND THAT JOKE JUST KEEPS FLYING FROM THERE...

OFF INTO THE SKY FOREVER.

THAT'S WHERE MY JOKES GO.

♪ THAT'S WHERE MY JOKES GO AFTER I TELL THEM ♪

I THINK THEY NAMED ORANGES BEFORE THEY NAMED CARROTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT ARE THESE?"

"THOSE ARE ORANGE -- ORANGES."

"WHAT ABOUT THESE?"

OH [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER ]

LONG POINTIES?

WE'LL GO BY SHAPE NOW?

[ TEMPO INCREASES ]

I THINK IT WOULD BE COOL --

IF YOU WERE WRITING A RANSOMNOTE ON YOUR COMPUTER --

IF THE PAPER CLIP POPPED UP AND SAID...

"LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WRITING A RANSOM NOTE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"NEED SOME HELP?"

"YOU SHOULD USE MORE FORCEFUL LANGUAGE.

YOU COULD GET WAY MORE MONEY."

[ CHEERING ]

I THINK GRAFFITI IS THE MOST PASSIONATE LITERATURE THERE IS.

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, "BUSH SUCKS!"

"U2 RULES!"

I WANT TO MAKE INDIFFERENT GRAFFITI.

"TOY STORY 2 WAS OKAY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I LIKE GINA AS A FRIEND,

BUT I'M NOT SURE ABOUT TAKING THINGS FURTHER!"

"THIS IS A BRIDGE!"

WONDER IF MY JOKES GO ANYWHERE AFTER THAT?

THEY MUST KEEP FLYING...

UP INTO THE SKY....

...ABOVE TREETOPS,

WHERE THEY ENCOUNTER MYTHICAL BEASTS

WHO ARE IMAGINARYAND EVEN MORE IMAGINARY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LIKE TO DO CRAFTS.

I WORK WITH GLITTER QUITE A BIT.

DON'T WORRY, I MAKE TOUGH STUFFLIKE DAGGERS AND SKULLS.

THE THING ABOUT GLITTER IS IF YOU GET IT ON YOU,

BE PREPARED TO HAVE IT ON YOU FOREVER...

BECAUSE GLITTER IS THE HERPES OF CRAFT SUPPLIES.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ MY JOKES MUST KEEP FLYING FROM THERE ♪

♪ UP ABOVE THE SKY

♪ INTO SPACE

♪ WHERE THEY GO ON AND ON

PAST ASTRONAUTSWHO RESPOND APPROPRIATELY

AT THE EDGE OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM.

[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

TILL THE ASTRONAUTS PEEL OFFINTO DEEP SPACE.

THERE ARE COMETS...

THAT SOAR...

...AND A STAR --A BRIGHT STAR...

WATCH THE JOKES FLY BY.

[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

HE'S NOT FAMOUS,BUT THAT'S OKAY.

THEN I GOTHROUGH ANOTHER DIMENSION

WHERE THE JOKE LANDS ON A SISTER PLANET --

A LITTLE SISTER PLANET WHEREMY LITTLE SISTER, AS A CREATURE,

WALKS AROUND WONDERING,

"WHAT THE HELL'S MY BROTHER DOING WITH HIS LIFE?"

THERE ARE ROCKETS THAT WATCH THE JOKES SHOOT BY.

JUST IN THE DEEPEST CORNER OF SPACE, I SEE A ROBOT...

...A ROBOT THAT LOOKS LIKEMY UNCLE JOHNNY.

HE MADE ME WORK AT A DINER.

BUT NOW HE'S JUST IN SPACE WITH SOME JOKES...

IN MY SPECIAL.

LOOKS LIKE I GOT THE LAST LAUGH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

IT'S WEIRD THE WAY "FINGERPUPPET" SOUNDS OKAY AS A NOUN...

...LADIES.

♪ THAT'S WHERE MY JOKES GO

♪ AFTER I TELL THEM

♪ THEY GO INTO SPACE

♪ THAT'S WHERE THEY GO

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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