Wednesday, April 2, 2014

  • 04/02/2014

Rhys Darby, Amber Tamblyn and Kurt Braunohler list #ButtFlix titles, sing patriotic theme songs and fill in the blanks on OkCupid profiles.

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

I DON'T ENTIRELY KNOW HOW I FEEL

ABOUT THE CONCEPT OF THIS, BUT

FACEBOOK IS TESTING THE PRIVACY

DINOSAUR, A NEW GRAPHIC DESIGN

TO HELP USERS MANAGE WHO CAN SEE

THEIR POST.

PRIVACY DINOSAUR POPS UP WITH

THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE.

"SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED WHO CAN SEE

YOUR POSTS RECENTLY, SO WE JUST

WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE

SHARING THIS WITH THE RIGHT

AUDIENCE."

WELL, THANKS FOR (BLEEP)ING

MONITORING EVERY INCH OF MY

LIFE, PRIVACY DINOSAUR.

(LAUGHTER)

COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD BE

A BETTER MESSAGE FOR YOU?

RHYS DARBY.

>> HEY, STOP STARING AT THE

SCREEN AND GET OUTSIDE AND CLIMB

A TREE, YOU DICKHEAD.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: A TREE!

NOT ENOUGH TREE-CLIMBING IN OUR

CULTURE ANYMORE.

>> YEAH, WE'VE STILL GOT IT

IN NEW ZEALAND.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT ABOUT YOU, KURT?

>> HEY KURT, NOTICED IT'S 2:00AM

AND THESE ARE JUST QUOTES FROM

SAD SONGS.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T MEAN

TO JUST TO GO TO BED?

(LAUGHTER)

>> THIS IS THE LIKE THE SEQUEL

TO "HER."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS FOR AMBER,

POINTS TO KURT.

(APPLAUSE)

NOW, uproxx.com PUBLISHED A

HARD-HITTING EXPOSE REVEALING

THAT TORONTO BLUE JAYS THIRD

BASEMAN BRETT LAWRIE FOLLOWS

A VERY SPECIFIC SET OF TWITTER

ACCOUNTS.

SO COMEDIANS, WHICH IS THE

FOLLOWING IS AN ACCOUNT THAT

LAWRIE REPORTEDLY FOLLOWS?

A. ASS BIBLE.

(LAUGHTER)

B. JUICY CANKLES.

C. ONLY THIRD NIPPLES.

(LAUGHTER)

AMBER.

>> JUICY CANKLES.

>> Chris: NO, THE CORRECT ANSWER

IS ASS BIBLE.

(APPLAUSE)

FOR THE RECORD...

>> I ALMOST WAS GONNA PICK THAT.

>> Chris: FOR THE RECORD, THERE

SEEMS TO BE A THEME BECAUSE HE

ALSO FOLLOWS "CHEEKS FOR WEEKS,"

"ASS ADDICTS," "BRO, SHE

SQUATS," "ASS PAMPHLETS"

AND "ONLY THE BEST ASS."

HE UNFOLLOWED A FEW OF THOSE

ACCOUNTS AFTER THIS ARTICLE CAME

OUT, BUT NOT ALL OF THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

HE STILL FOLLOWS "BRO,

SHE SQUATS."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

CLEARLY, THE RICH TAPESTRY OF

BRETT LAWRIE'S LIFE IS SEWN

TOGETHER WITH BUTTS.

I'M SURE EVERYTHING IN HIS LIFE

REVOLVES AROUND BUTTS IN SOME

WAYS-- BUTT TV SHOWS, BUTT

MOVIES-- BUT SINCE WE DON'T

HAVE A VENTURE CAPITAL TO START

A STREAMING DEVICE THAT COULD

SHOW THOSE THINGS, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #BUTTFLIX.

THIS ARE THINGS YOU MIGHT SEE

ON A BUTT-THEMED STREAMING

ENTERTAINMENT SERVICE.

EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT BE

"RECTUM RALPH."

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT'S GOOD.

>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

>> Chris: OR "ORANGE IS THE NEW

BROWN."

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

OR "BABY'S GOT BACK TO THE

FUTURE."

ANY OF THESE THINGS

WOULD WORK FOR #BUTTFLIX.

I'LL PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

YES, KURT.

>> ONE FLEW OVER THE POOPOO'S

NEST.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

AMBER.

>> SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING

HOT PANTS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

RHYS.

>> RAIDERS OF THE LOST ASSHOLE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, KURT.

>> TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA

"I'M TURTLING."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SAID WITH A SMILE.

POINTS.

AND YOU BROKE AMBER TAMBLYN.

>> I GOT AMBER.

>> Chris: RHYS, SOMEBODY,

BUZZ IN!

YES, RHYS.

>> INDIANA JONES AND THE ASS

CRUSADES.

>> Chris: YOU'RE REALLY STUCK ON

THAT FILM SERIES RIGHT NOW.

YES, POINTS.

AMBER.

>> THERE WILL BE BLOOD IN YOUR

STOOL.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

KURT.

>> FOREST DUMPER.

>> Chris: YES, WELL DONE.

RHYS.

>> UH, THE... CRYSTAL SKULL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> YOU'RE JUST NOW NAMING

FRANCHISES!

>> THAT'S JUST THE NORMAL ONE.

>> Chris: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

NO WAIT, THAT HAD SHIA LABEOUF

IN IT SO I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM

POINTS FOR THAT.

(APPLAUSE)

AMBER.

>> REAR WINDOW.

>> Chris: YES, THAT WORKS ON ITS

OWN, POINTS.

KURT.

>> INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> OH, THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

>> Chris: AND OUTSIDE

LLEWYN DAVIS, POINTS.

>> NO KIDDING, THAT MOVIE

SUCKED.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SO NOT ONLY DOES OKCUPID HELP

YOU FIND ROMANCE, IT ALSO HELPS

REMIND YOU JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE

ARE WALKING RED FLAGS.

SO ONE CATEGORY IN AN OKCUPID

PROFILE IS "I'M REALLY GOOD AT"

AND THEN YOU FILL IN THE BLANK

WITH WHATEVER IT IS

IN HOPES TO ATTRACT A MATE

TO FURTHER YOUR GENES.

NOW, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A

VERY REAL OKCUPID PROFILE, OKAY,

AND THEN YOU BUZZ IN

AND TELL ME WHAT THAT PERSON

IS REALLY GOOD AT.

IF IT'S FUNNY, YOU GET POINTS.

LET'S BEGIN.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

THIS GUY, LOOK AT THAT.

"I'M REALLY GOOD AT" WHAT?

YES, KURT.

>> WHISPERING SECRETS TO TOES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: A FOOT WHISPERER,

IF YOU WILL.

POINTS.

OH, THEY'RE IN A PLATE, HER FEET

ARE IN A (BLEEP)ING PIE TIN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> "I DON'T KNOW

WHAT COCAINE IS."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WELL DONE, KURT.

(APPLAUSE)

LET'S GO TO THE NEXT ONE.

THIS GUY'S USERNAME IS

"WICKEDCLOWN89," IF YOU'RE

PLAYING ALONG AT HOME.

WHAT IS HE REALLY GOOD AT?

RHYS.

>> DISAPPOINTING HIS PARENTS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

(APPLAUSE)

>> HE'S ALSO REALLY GOOD

AT GETTING HIS FINGERS

CAUGHT IN MACHINES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS TO KURT.

LAST ONE, LAST ONE.

WHAT'S USER "JOCKGEEK" GOOD AT?

WHAT A WELCOMING

AND INVITING IMAGE.

YES, KURT.

>> ENDLESS NIGHTMARES.

(LAUGHTER)

SLASH INVESTMENT BANKING.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS TO KURT.

>> EVEN HIS HANDS ARE UNICORNS.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS!

(BLEEP) YEAH, POINTS!

>> THAT'S GOOD.

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE)

WITH APOLOGIES TO EARTHQUAKES

AND COURTNEY LOVE, LOCAL

COMMERCIALS ARE THE MOST

UNPREDICTABLE FORCE ON THE

PLANET.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE NAME OF A

LOCAL BUSINESS ON YOUTUBE AND

YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE WHICH

RIDICULOUS THING HAPPENS IN

THEIR COMMERCIAL.

LET US BEGIN.

THIS AD FOR LITTLE JOHN'S

PAWNSHOP IN LOUISVILLE, DOES IT

FEATURE AN ANIMATED DOLLAR BILL

NAMED "GEORGE CASHINGTON"

OR A SINGING SUPERHERO CALLED

SUPER GOLD MAN?

RHYS.

>> YEAH, THAT WORKS.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, YOU'D HAVE TO GO WITH

SUPER GOLD MAN, WOULDN'T YOU?

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> ♪ I'M SUPER GOLD MAN,

THE FAIREST IN THE LAND ♪

♪ I'M TAKING YOU TO

LITTLE JOHN'S ♪

(LAUGHTER)

>> OH MY GOD.

(APPLAUSE)

>> IS THE CITY BLOWING UP

BEHIND THEM?

DID SUPER GOLD MAN REMOVE

ALL THE GOLD FROM THE CITY?

>> NO, HE JUST FARTED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT'S HOW HE TAKES OFF.

>> Chris: WELL DONE, RHYS DARBY.

NEXT ONE, TWO GUYS IN THIS

COMMERCIAL FOR BIG AL'S PIZZA.

DO THEY GET ATTACKED BY A VERY

CRUDELY COMPUTER-ANIMATED OWL

OR SHOT WITH A PIZZA TOMMY GUN

BY A MOBSTER NAMED AL CALZONE?

(LAUGHTER)

YES, KURT.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH

COMPUTER OWL.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT,

LET'S FIND OUT.

OH!

(OWL HOOTING)

>> YOU IDIOT,

I SAID BIG AL'S PIZZA,

NOT BIG OWL'S PIZZA.

(APPLAUSE)

>> THE IMPLICATION THAT THAT OWL

CAN MAKE A PIZZA BUT DOESN'T

KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY JUST GIVE

IT TO HUMANS IS INSULTING.

>> Chris: I LOVE THE IDEA THAT

THE OWL WAS FINE GETTING ALL THE

WAY TO THEIR HOUSE AND INSIDE

WAS LIKE, "YOU CANNOT CONTAIN

ME!"

>> "I HATE BEING INSIDE!"

>> Chris: "HOGWARTS PIZZA

DELIVERY!"

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF IN."

(APPLAUSE)

SORT OF THROWS THE METER

OF THAT RAP OFF.

FOURSQUARE ALLOWS USERS TO TAG

THEMSELVES AND THEIR FRIENDS AT

DIFFERENT LOCATIONS AND EVENTS

SO THAT YOU CAN TRICK PEOPLE

INTO THINKING YOUR LIFE IS MORE

EXCITING THAN IT ACTUALLY IS.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO

GIVE ME AS MANY TERRIBLE

FOURSQUARE CHECK-IN LOCATIONS

OR ACTIVITIES THAT NO ONE

WOULD WANT TO BE TAGGED IN.

ARE YOU READY?

60 SECONDS AND GO.

AMBER.

>> EATING ANTS ON A LOG

WITH ANNE GEDDES.

>> Chris: POINTS!

KURT.

>> SEA WORLD'S PUBLICITY

DEPARTMENT.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Chris: POINTS.

RHYS.

>> A MADISON RISING CONCERT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

♪ FREEDOM AND FLAGS AND CORN

AND POINTS ♪

KURT.

>> A "PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION"

TAPING.

>> Chris: HEY!

>> WHAT? A FAN OF "PRAIRIE HOME

COMPANION?"

>> Chris: SHUT UP, WHAT IF I AM?

(BLEEP) YOU, NO POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

HOW DARE YOU, SIR?

GARRISON KEILLOR IS A NATIONAL

TREASURE.

>> "AND I HAD APPLE PIE

WITH KETCHUP."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: AMBER.

>> OH...

(LAUGHTER)

FRAN DRESCHER'S AESTHETICIAN'S

HOUSE.

>> Chris: OKAY, SURE, POINTS.

AMBER.

>> THE TRUNK OF SUGE KNIGHT'S

CAR.

>> Chris: YES!

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

RHYS.

>> SOMETIMES I CHECK MYSELF IN

SOMEWHERE WHEN I'M NOT THERE.

I'M ACROSS THE ROAD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOUR ACCENT MAKES THAT

WORK.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

KURT.

>> A SLIGHTLY WARM ROOM

WITH LENA DUNHAM.

>> Chris: HEY!

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: THAT IS THE END OF

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