CC Presents: Robert Hawkins

  • 07/03/2003

I'M CELEBRATING.

TODAY IS NINE WEEKS AND

THREE DAYS, NO CIGARETTES FOR

ME, NOT A PUFF.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANKS.

WELL, NO SENSE CLAPPIN',

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I DO.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST QUIT SMOKING.

I DIDN'T STOP SMACKING KITTENS.

THAT'S A DIFFERENT ADDICTION

RIGHT THERE, MAN.

I JUST LOVE IT, THE LOOK ON

THEIR FACE WHEN I SMACK 'EM,

YOU KNOW.

AND THEIR BRAINS ARE SO SMALL,

THEY DON'T REALIZE FROM

DAY TO DAY THAT IT'S GONNA

HAPPEN AGAIN, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T EVEN CARE IF MY FINGERS

GET YELLOW.

IT'S JUST GOT A HOLD ON ME,

AND I'LL TAPER OFF EVENTUALLY.

BUT THE CIGARETTES ARE GONE.

HOW DID I QUIT?

WITH WILLPOWER AND NICOTINE GUM.

I'LL RECOMMEND THE GUM IF YOU

WANNA QUIT, IT HELPS.

THE TASTE?

I WOULD RATHER EAT A TOBACCO

PLANT OUT OF THE ASS OF A

PILGRIM...

IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WHERE DO YOU GET A PILGRIM?

THE GUM'S AT THE STORE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO QUIT

SMOKING WHEN YOU SEE CERTAIN

SIGNS LIKE SOME OLD GUY WALKING

AROUND WITH A CANISTER OF OXYGEN

IN TOW ON A LITTLE DOLLY,

35 YEARS OLD, AND HE'S GOT

A CIGARETTE IN THIS YELLOW HOOK

OVER HERE, LIKE HE DON'T MAKE

THE CONNECTION.

"I WONDER WHY I'M DYING SLOW."

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN DO YOU LEARN, PAPA?

PUT THE CIGARETTE IN THE TUBE.

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO THE STORE.

I'M ON THE CEREAL AISLE WHERE

THEY HAVE THE CEREAL.

AND I SEE A BOX OF CAPTAIN

CRUNCH.

IT'S JUST THE CRUNCH BERRIES.

THERE'S NO CRUNCH.

HAVE YOU SEEN THAT?

IT'S JUST A BOX OF CRUNCH

BERRIES, AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM

WITH KIDS TODAY, RIGHT THERE.

THEY DON'T HAVE TO WORK FOR

NOTHIN'.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN I WAS A KID, YOU HAD TO EAT

AROUND THE BERRIES FOR HALF AN

HOUR AND THEN YOU HAD A BERRIES

FINALE AT THE END.

YOU HAD A BERRIES SURPRISE

AND YOU EARNED IT.

AND IT BUILT CHARACTER.

[LAUGHTER]

MY FATHER TOLD ME, "SON,

YOU GIVE A MAN A FISH, HE'LL EAT

FOR A DAY.

YOU TEACH A MAN TO FISH,

AND YOU HAVE TO GET UP AT

6:00 AM, RENT A BOAT, I'M NOT

BUYING THE BEER.

WHO IS THIS GUY?

WHERE IS HE?

DID HE TOUCH YOU, HUH?

I'M SLEEPIN'.

WHERE IS HE?

SHOW US ON THE DOLL, BOY.

D-- HE DIDN'T TOUCH YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

THEN GET OUT OF HERE YOU

LITTLE-- GET OUT OF HERE!"

I CALL MY MOM ALL THE TIME, NOT

'CAUSE I LOVE HER OR NUTHIN'.

BUT IF I DON'T INVEST A CALL TO

HER, I'LL GET THESE EMBARRASSING

MOM MUPPET MESSAGES ON MY

MACHINE.

I DON'T NEED IT, DUDE.

"BEEP!

HOW YA DOIN', BABY?

[KISS NOISES]

IT'S YOUR MOM, HONEY.

HOW'S MY PUPPY?

HOW'S MY LITTLE PUPPY!

[LAUGHTER]

ONE NIGHT SHE GOT CUT OFF AND

I EXPLAINED TO HER CERTAIN

VOICES WILL TRIGGER THE REMOTE

FUNCTIONS IN THE MACHINE.

WELL, NOW IT'S WORSE, SHE CALLS

UP TRYING TO FOOL MY MACHINE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHAT I'M GETTIN' NOW IS

"BEEP!

[DEEP VOICE] HOW YA DOIN', BABY?

IT'S YOUR MOM, HONEY.

HOW'S MY PUPPY?

HOW'S MY PUPPY?"

[LAUGHTER]

AH, SHE'S DOIN' THE TEETH,

I KNOW IT.

I DON'T HAVE TO SEE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I LIKE TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH

MY FOLKS, BUT THERE'S A LINE.

FRIEND OF MINE WAS TELLING ME

ABOUT THE SEXUAL EXPLOIT HE HAD.

HE SLEPT WITH THIS GIRL.

I SAID, "WAS SHE CUTE?"

HE SAYS, "NUTHIN' TO WRITE HOME

ABOUT."

WHICH IS A TERRIBLE THING

TO SAY, BUT THEN IT GOT ME

THINKIN', DID HE EVER?

[LAUGHTER]

"DEAR MOM: YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN

THE PIECE OF CHIPPY I GOT

LAST NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

NORMALLY I WOULDN'T WRITE,

YOU KNOW.

BUT THIS, THIS WAS SOME

EXCEPTIONAL, EXCEPTIONAL TENDER

VITALS.

JUST-- LEGS!

LEGS UP TO HER NOOK AND CRANNY.

A LITTLE JUNK, LITTLE JUNK IN

THE TRUNK, BUT OFFSET BY A NICE

RACK-A-DOPHOLUS 500, JUST--

HEAVY UPSTAIRS.

"AND WORK ETHIC, MADRE.

WHEN SHE CLOCKED IN, SHE CLOCKED

IN EARLY, STAYED LATE.

SHE-- SHE EARNED THEM HEINEKENS.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW'S POP?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOUR SON, BRENT."

"DEAR SON: STOP WRITING US.

[LAUGHTER]

WE CAN'T STOP VOMITING.

USE A CONDOM.

MOTHER."

[LAUGHTER]

"DEAR SON: KEEP THE LETTERS

COMIN'.

POP."

Robert Hawkins: I WAS IN

THE ARMY FOR THREE YEARS, U.S.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ANYBODY ELSE?

HOW 'BOUT A HAND FOR ALL OUR

SOLDIERS WHO ARE ABROAD?

[CHEERS, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

AND ALL THE BROADS WHO ARE

SOLDIERS, GIVE IT UP FOR THEM,

TOO, I DON'T WANT 'EM KICKIN'

MY ASS.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

MY FIRST CHOICE WAS THE AIR

FORCE.

I WANTED TO BE A PILOT.

BUT APPARENTLY YOU HAVE TO HAVE

AN EDUCATION.

AND YOU CAN'T HAVE A CRIMINAL

RECORD.

AND...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T MAKE FACES LIKE THAT

ALL THE TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WASN'T GONNA JOIN THE

MARINES 'CAUSE I'VE SEEN THEIR

COMMERCIALS AND I KNOW THERE'S A

BIG MONSTER IN THEIR BOOT CAMP.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I DON'T WANNA FIGHT NO

MONSTER AFTER I'VE CLIMBED

THE VOLCANO.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER SEEN A COAST GUARD

COMMERCIAL?

I HAVEN'T.

IT SHOULD BE "THE COAST GUARD.

SURE, WE BURN ALL THOSE DRUGS.

BUT WE STAND REALLY CLOSE."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

DOWNWIND LIKE A MOTHER...

I LEARNED A LOT IN THE ARMY.

I LEARNED HOW TO MASTURBATE

QUIET.

[LAUGHTER]

SO THAT YOU MAY BE FREE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WAS KILLED FIVE TIMES IN

SIMULATED BATTLE.

ONE WAS A SUICIDE.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, THEY SENT ME TO TEXAS

FOR THREE YEARS.

I WANTED TO GO ELSEWHERE.

I WANTED TO INVADE HAWAII, MAN,

YOU KNOW?

TEXAS?

JESUS.

WE BOMBED LIBYA WHEN I WAS IN.

1986, WE BLANKET BOMBED A TENT

CITY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

DESERT, AND WE MISSED QUADAFI

WITH BOMBS ON TENTS.

[LAUGHTER]

EVEN IF THEY HAD THE GOOD TENTS,

OUR WORST BOMB SHOULD GO THROUGH

THAT, RIGHT?

I MEAN...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU COULD HAVE SENT ONE GUY

IN WITH A BASEBALL BAT AND GET

A BETTER RATION THAN WE GOT.

[LAUGHTER]

JUST WALK UP TO ANY TENT.

[HITTING NOISES]

"OW!

OW!

HEY!"

"QUADAFI?"

"UH-UH."

[LAUGHTER]

"TWO TENTS DOWN."

"THANK YOU."

[HITTING NOISES]

"OH!

HEY!"

I SHOULD BE AN ADVISOR.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH

THE MILITARY, NO LEADERSHIP.

FIRST THING WE DO, WE GET RID

OF THE DAMN BLUE ANGELS.

WHAT'S THEIR PURPOSE IN A COMBAT

SITUATION?

WHY DO WE SPEND HOW MUCH MONEY

ON THEM FLYIN' AROUND SETTIN'

OFF CAR ALARMS?

IS THAT THEIR FUNCTION?

[LAUGHTER]

"WE MUST CRUSH AMERICANS!

THEY'RE EVIL AND THEY MUST DIE

FOR KILLING IRAQI PEOPLE!

I AM SO ANGRY.

I WILL SCRATCH AND PUNCH MY OWN

FACE!

SCRATCH AND PUNCH!

[SOUND OF PLANE OVERHEAD]

IS THAT THE BLUE ANGELS?"

[LAUGHTER]

"THROW YOUR WEAPONS DOWN.

IT'S A PERFECT DIAMOND.

[LAUGHTER]

SURRENDER BEFORE THEY

LOOP-DE-LOOP AND SMOKE COMES

OUT!

I HAVE SEEN THIS!

[LAUGHTER]

GRAB YOUR FLIP-FLOPS AND LET'S

RUN FOR IT NOW!

SNAP, SNAP, SNAP, SNAP.

BEFORE THE THUNDERBIRDS AND

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMERS SHOW UP.

AND ON-- SNAP, SNAP, SAND, SNAP,

TURD, SNAP.

I DID GET OUT OF THE ARMY

AND WENT TO HAWAII.

EVENTUALLY I WENT TO HAWAII.

YOU BEEN THERE BEFORE?

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

THE TRAVEL AGENT TOLD US STAY

OFF THE BEACH A WAYS AND SAVE

SOME CASH.

YEAH.

GIVE YOU AN IDEA HOW FAR OFF

THE BEACH WE WERE...

WE WERE IN JERSEY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THEY'RE A LITTLE RUDE IN THAT

PART OF HAWAII.

"HEY, TAKE YOUR FLIPPERS OFF

IN THE LOBBY THERE!

HEY!

HEY, THERE."

I'M AD-LIBBING.

"HEY!"

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT TO HONOLULU.

I'M IN A KNICKKNACK SHOP AND

I GOT MY EYE ON A HULA GIRL

FOR THE DASHBOARD IN MY CAR.

THE WOMAN WORKING AT THE

KNICKKNACK SHOP, SHE GRABS ONE

OF THE HULA GIRLS, SHE LOOKS

AT ME AND SHE GOES, "HEY, $14,

YOU."

WHICH IS AWESOME

SALESPERSON-SHIP.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, HEY, $14.

THAT'S GOT ALL THE ELEMENTS

OF GOOD SALESPERSON-SHIP.

IT'S AGGRESSIVE: "HEY."

IT'S BARGAINING: "$14."

AND IT'S PERSONAL:

"YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T TEACH THAT BULL.

YOU GET THAT WHEN YOU'RE BORN.

YOU DON'T HAVE IT.

I TRIED TALKIN' HER DOWN,

I SAID, "WHAT ABOUT $10 ME?"

[LAUGHTER]

SHE SAID, "NO, $12.50 YOU."

I EVENTUALLY SAID, "SCREW YOU."

SHE SAID, "$200, YOU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAID, "OKAY."

AND SHE SAID, "I'M JUST PLAYIN'

WITH YA, LADDIE."

THE WORLD, FOLKS.

I'VE BEEN TO KENTUCKY.

[LAUGHTER]

FLEW IN.

FIRST GUY I TALKED TO, I SAID,

"VERY NICE HERE IN LOUISVILLE."

HE GOES, "IT'S LOUISVILLE,

WHERE YOU FROM?"

I GO "FLORIRA-RA."

[LAUGHTER]

HE SAID, "WHAT PART?"

I SAID, "FORT LARARA."

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DON'T YOU SOUND IT OUT,

YOU COUNTRY ASS?

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID THAT PART TO MYSELF...

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I'M FRAGILE.

I HAVE MY OWN STYLE OF MARSHAL

ARTS.

IT'S CALLED "DAT'S OKAY-DO."

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE BEEN TO EL PASO, TEXAS.

SO DUSTY THERE.

MY SINUSES WERE OVERLOADED.

I THINK EL PASO MEANS

[SNORTS] IN SPANISH.

I DON'T KNOW.

"WHERE YA FROM?"

"[SNORTS]"

[LAUGHTER]

"WHAT PART?"

"[SNORTS]"

"OKAY."

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE BEEN TO BATON ROUGE,

LOUISIANA.

REPRESENTATION?

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

I WILL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, GUYS.

BATON ROUGE HAS, HANDS DOWN THE

HOTTEST, SWEETEST, YOUNGEST

WOMEN WITH FOUR KIDS, ANYWHERE

IN THE COUNTRY.

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU.

I DON'T KNOW I SAY HANDS DOWN,

LIKE HALF YOU ARE GOIN',

"OH, WHAT ABOUT MISSISSIPPI?"

HANDS DOWN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE BEEN TO SAN FRANCISCO,

IT'S SO GREAT.

THERE'S A STREET CALLED POLK

STREET AND A STREET CALLED

BUSH STREET.

THEY INTERSECT, AND ON THE

CORNER IS A PORN STORE.

I KID YOU NOT.

A PORN STORE ON THE CORNER

OF POLK AND BUSH.

NOW--

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT NEXT TO IN AND OUT BURGER.

IS THAT COINCIDENCE, OR IS THERE

AN AGENDA?

[LAUGHTER]

IN TULSA, OKLAHOMA, YOU CAN'T

RENT HARDCORE PORN.

YOU CAN ONLY RENT SOFT-CORE

PORN.

THAT'S LEGAL, BUT HARDCORE

IS ILLEGAL.

I DON'T GET THE LOGIC.

I GUESS WHAT THE LAWMAKERS

ARE SAYING IS IT'S OKAY TO WALK

IN ON SOMEBODY HAVING SEX,

"HEY, WHAT THE HELL?

ALL RIGHT.

STAY BACK OVER THERE, SON."

BUT YOU CAN'T WALK AROUND

AND SEE THE ACTIVITY.

"WHAT ARE YA DOIN', BOY!

GET BACK BEHIND ME!

IT'S TULSA, SON!

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S MORE CHRISTIAN THIS WAY!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I LIVE NEAR VAN NUYS,

CALIFORNIA, WHICH IS THE

PORN CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.

THEY MAKE A LOT OF THE PORN

THERE.

YOU MAY RECOGNIZE THE NAME, SIR.

[LAUGHTER]

IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

I WAS IN A RESTAURANT HAVING

BREAKFAST AND SURE ENOUGH

THERE'S A POPULAR PORN STAR

IN THE SAME RESTAURANT HAVING

BREAKFAST WITH ME.

AND IT WAS VERY STRANGE BECAUSE

FOR SOME REASON, I THOUGHT SHE

MIGHT RECOGNIZE ME.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS WEIRD.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

OR-- YOU KNOW, IF YOU SAY

ANYTHING.

SO I JUST WALKED OVER TO HER AND

WENT, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!"

[LAUGHTER]<Ñ

Robert Hawkins: SO WHAT HAVE WE

LEARNED FROM ME TONIGHT?

WE'VE LEARNED THAT I'M

SELF-IMPORTANT AND I LACK

PATIENCE.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM IN THE WORLD

RIGHT THERE, LACK OF PATIENCE,

SELF-IMPORTANCE.

REMEMBER THOSE WORDS FOR

A MOMENT.

I'LL TELL YA WHAT I'M TALKIN'

ABOUT.

SIR, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

ROB?

LET'S SAY YOU'RE DRIVING DOWN

THE ROAD IN YOUR CAR, HAVING

A GOOD TIME, MINDING YOUR OWN

BUSINESS, WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE

REARVIEW MIRROR AND YOU REALIZE

SOME JERK IS TAILGATIN' YA

REALLY CLOSE.

NOW, WHAT'S THE FIRST THING

YOU DO?

ALL RIGHT, ROB.

YOU HEAR THESE PEOPLE ANSWERING

FOR YOU?

WHY?

LACK OF PATIENCE.

[LAUGHTER]

SELF-IMPORTANCE.

YOU SEE THAT?

I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.

I'M LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU

THE WHOLE TIME.

BUT YOU DIDN'T ANSWER FAST

ENOUGH FOR SOME OF THE OTHERS.

[LAUGHTER]

THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE

TAILGATIN' YOU, ROB, RIGHT

THERE.

I WENT INTO THE BARBERSHOP.

THE GUY GOES, "HOW YA DOIN'

THERE, RED?"

I SAID, "NOT BAD, PSORIASIS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SURE YOU WANNA PLAY THIS

GAME?"

SO I GOT THIS HAIRCUT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I THINK HE SPENT A LOT

OF TIME UP IN THERE, DUDE.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T ASK FOR

ALL THAT OFF.

I WANTED IT FEATHERED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I GOT PLUCKED.

LOOK AT THIS.

I'M CROWNING.

I'M GIVING BIRTH TO MY OWN HEAD

AGAIN, WHY?

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT CAN'T GO FROM FRONT BACK.

NO I GOTTA HAVE A MOAT FOR

SEVERAL YEARS.

IT'S A MOAT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WOULDN'T BE ANY MORE

RIDICULOUS IF THERE WAS A CASTLE

STICKIN' UP IN THE MIDDLE WITH

A BRIDGE GOIN' OVER AND A LITTLE

TROLL SITTIN' THERE.

"WHO GOES OVER ME BRIDGE?"

"'TIS I, BILLY GOAT GRUFF."

"THIS GUY'S BALD AS HELL."

"I KNOW, HE'S BLINDIN' ME."

"MAYBE WE COULD BE FRIENDS.

"NO, YOU GOTTA PAY TOLLS."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY DON'T MAKE THAT SPRAY

IN MY COLOR.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I DATE SHORT WOMEN.

COME ON, LITTLE LADY.

WHERE YOU GOIN', HUH?

WHERE THE HELL YOU?

THERE'S NOTHIN' BACK THERE,

RELAX!

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SPEND A GOOD $9, $10,

$11 ON 'EM...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GET 'EM HOME AND THEY

LAY THERE LIKE A LUMP ON A LOG.

EXCUSE ME!

YOU BETTER GET UP AND...

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS BUYIN'

THE PIZZA?

MMM, THAT'S RIGHT.

AND I GAVE YOU A BITE,

WITH CRUST.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?

GIVE A HOOT AND HUG ME ROOT.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING!

I'VE GOTTA MAKE SURE YOU'VE GOT

ENOUGH FOREPLAY SO YOU'RE TURNED

ON, BUT I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR MY

OWN BONER.

ALL RIGHT, I GOT IT, I'LL TAKE

CARE OF BOTH OF US, JUST RELAX.

AND GUESS WHO'S GOT CONDOM

DETAIL.

ME!

OF COURSE-- I'LL GET THE DISHES,

I'LL MOW THE LAWN, AND I'LL GRAB

THE CONDOMS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.

NOW CAN I HAVE AN ORGASM?

NO, NOT TILL YOU'RE DONE.

WELL, YOU LET ME KNOW WHEN

YOU'RE FINISHED.

I'LL JUST BE A PIECE OF BEEF

JERKY SITTIN' HERE WHEN YOU'RE

FINISHED, ALL DEHYDRATED.

WHAT, TWO-- THREE OF 'EM?

OKAY, NO, GO AHEAD, OTHERWISE

YOU'RE GONNA TALK CRAP ABOUT ME

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

BUT I'M NOT DONE YET.

I HAVE TO CUDDLE AND SAY ALL THE

RIGHT STUFF OR I'M AN ASS.

CUDDLE?

GET OFF.

I'M HOT FROM DOIN' ALL THE WORK!

GO GET ME A BAG OF ICE OR

SOMETHIN' I CAN CUDDLE WITH.

YOU GOT THE THERMOSTAT ON

176 DEGREES, ALL BUNDLED UP

IN BLANKETS.

[SHIVERING NOISES]

I GOT MY FACE IN THE FLOOR

LOOKIN' FOR SOMETHIN' COLD.

IS THAT A PENNY?

STEAM!

IS THAT A TIC-TAC?

STEAM!

"RUB MY SHOULDERS."

"RUB MY (BLEEP)."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

HUH?

LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THAT

HAPPENS.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU'RE LAUGHIN', GREAT.

IF YOU'RE THINKIN', "YEAH,

DUDE," THEN YOU'RE ALL SCREWED

UP.

YOU DON'T ACT LIKE THAT.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M TIRED OF SHUTTIN' UP

ABOUT IT.

THE OLDER YOU GET, THE HARDER

IT IS TO SHUT UP.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU WANNA SING IN MY CAR,

GO AHEAD SING.

SING THE WHOLE TRIP, I DON'T

MIND.

BUT DO ME A FAVOR: DON'T TRY

TO SOUND LIKE THE ARTIST

ON THE RADIO.

JUST USE YOUR OWN VOICE.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TRICK ME INTO

THINKIN' DAVE MATTHEWS JUMPED IN

THE CAR WHEN I WAS GETTIN' GAS.

I'M IN THE CAR ONE TIME DAVE

MATTHEWS IS ON.

MY BUDDY'S IN THE PASSENGER

SIDE, ALL BOLD IN MY EAR.

FLEAS AND ANTS AND TARANTULAS

AND CENTIPEDES AND BUGS AND

STUFF."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M LIKE, "WELL, IT'S A GOOD

THING YOU'RE HERE 'CAUSE HE'S

SURE SCREWIN' IT UP."

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT?

WHAT DO THEY EXPECT YOUR

REACTION TO BE?

"NEATO!

FRITO BANDITO, MAN!

YOU SOUND LIKE 'EM, KINDA,

IN A ROUND ABOUT, HALF ASSED,

BACKWARD KINDA WAY.

IF HE WAS HAVIN' A STROKE,

BEING STUFFED IN A TUBA,

AND BEING BEATEN WITH A BAG OF

KITTENS.

HOW DO YOU MANAGE IT,

YOU TALENTED THING?

YOU MEAN, YOU'RE NOT THE GUY

FROM CREED, THIRD COUSIN,

SECOND REMOVED?

IF HE HAD DOWN SYNDROME,

LIVED IN A BURLAP SACK,

AND WAS BEATEN WITH AN OAR

EVERY FIVE MINUTES?

WELL, YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME,

MAN!"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"IF HE DIED, YOU COULD BE HIM.

LET'S KILL HIM!

THEN YOU CAN GO ON TOUR, I CAN

BE YOUR ROADIE, AND GET ALL YOUR

THROWAWAY TRIM."

[LAUGHTER]

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