Witty, Franklin, Hamilton, Shaw

  • Season 8, Ep 0806
  • 03/25/2005

Isaac Witty looks forward to a disappointing marriage, Marina Franklin explains why her career makes dating difficult, and Boris Hamilton fantasizes about the ideal doughnut.

GET AN AIDS TEST.

AND SHE WANTED ME TO GET THE

RESULTS ON A FRIDAY.

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, I'M NOT DOING THAT.

AND SHE SAID, WHY?

I SAID, BECAUSE IF I HAVE IT,

IT WILL RUIN MY WHOLE WEEKEND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, BRO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

THIS WEEKEND?

CRYING.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEVER SEE?

YOU NEVER SEE A GAY GUY TURNING

STRAIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SEE STRAIGHT GUYS TURNING

GAY.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT A NAGGING WIFE

AND KIDS THAT MAKES A MAN GO

STRAIGHT TO A PENIS?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ANYONE?

THINK ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S NOT A GREAT AFRICAN NAME.

LIKE MY SISTER'S GOT A GREAT

AFRICAN NAME.

HER NAME IS NYELYA, WHICH MEANS

"ONE WHO SUCCEEDS".

MY NAME IS MARINA.

IT MEANS A PLACE WHERE YOU DOCK

BOATS.

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU.

I GREW UP IN CHICAGO, THAT'S

WHERE I GREW UP, THE SUBURBS OF

CHICAGO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, THANKS.

THANKS.

WHITE SUBURBS OF CHICAGO.

THEN WE MOVED TO THE SOUTH SIDE

OF CHICAGO, WHICH IS A BLACK--

[LOUD CHEERING]

[LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THE SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO, WHICH

WAS A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD.

SO BASICALLY I WENT FROM BEING

THE ONLY BLACK CHILD IN ALL

WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD TO BEING THE

ONLY WHITE CHILD, IN AN ALL

BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD.

THAT WAS TOUGH, MAN.

I REMEMBER GROWING UP IN THE

WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE IN

SCHOOL LIKE WHEN WE WOULD HAVE

THEME DAYS.

LIKE ON TIME, WE HAD '50s DAY,

WHICH ISN'T REALLY A GOOD TIME

FOR MY PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THE WHITE GIRLS WOULD COME

OUT WITH THE POODLE SKIRTS, ALL

EXCITED.

THEY'D BE LIKE, WOO-WOO, IT'S

'50s, YEAH!

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, SO I

JUST WORE A SIGN THAT SAID, WE

SHALL OVERCOME SOME DAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO I LOVE DOING THIS COMEDY

THING.

IT'S JUST IT'S HARD TO DO THIS

AND KEEP A MAN AT THE SAME TIME.

WHICH IS UNBELIEVABLE, 'CAUSE

LOOK AT ME.

I'M HOT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

I USED TO DATE THIS HAITIAN GUY.

HE COULDN'T STAND THE FACT THAT

I DID COMEDY.

YOU KNOW, HAITIAN MEN, THEY WANT

YOU TO STAY HOME, COOK, CLEAN,

HAVE A BIG BUTT.

I CAN'T DO ALL OF THAT AT THE

SAME TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE WAS ALWAYS YELLING AT ME.

HE WAS ALWAYS LIKE, [THICK

HAITIAN ACCENT] MARINA, DON'T

WRITE THIS THING YOU ARE DOING.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS COMEDY, YOU THINK YOU ARE

SO FUNNY.

SO HA, HA?

[APPLAUSE]

YOU NEED TO STAY HOME AND COOK.

YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MY

ZUZU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS WITH HIM FOR A LONG TIME,

TOO, FOUR YEARS.

THAT'S A LONG TIME TO BE WITH

SOMEONE WHEN YOU DON'T LIKE HIM.

THAT'S LIKE, HOW THE HELL DID

THAT HAPPEN?

I ACTUALLY BACK TO LIKE THE

FIRST TIME WE WENT OUT.

AND I REMEMBER HIM SAYING TO ME,

MARINE, YOU'RE GOING TO BE WITH

ME-- FOREVER.

[LAUGHTER]

[BLOWING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I LIVE IN HARLEM NOW.

I LOVE HARLEM.

ACTUALLY, YOU GUYS SHOULD ALL

GO, LIKE AS A GROUP.

[LAUGHTER]

GO.

I LOVE IT.

I GET IN TROUBLE, THOUGH, IN

HARLEM, ALL THE TIME.

LIKE ONE TIME I SAW THIS MOTHER

YELLING AT A CHILD ON A STREET.

YOU SEE A BLACK MOTHER YELLING

AT HER CHILD ON THE STREET,

DON'T EVER GET INVOLVED IN THAT.

MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

THIS WOMAN, SHE WAS TELLING AT

THIS CHILD SO BAD ON THE

STREET-- THAT'S THE CHILD.

SHE LIKE, GET YOUR ASS OVER

HERE.

I SAID GET YOUR BLACK ASS OVER

HERE!

NOW WHAT THE HELL YOU CRYING

FOR?

SHUT IT UP.

I SAID SHUT IT UP.

I'LL POP YOU IN YOUR MOUTH.

I LOOKED AT HER, I WAS LIKE, OH

MY GOD.

I TOLD HER, I SAID, YOU DON'T

TALK TO A CHILD LIKE THAT.

SHE LOOKED AT ME, SHE SAID, WHAT

THE HELL YOU LOOKING AT, HUH?

YOU WANT TO RAISE MY CHILD, HUH?

I WAS LIKE, NO.

YOU DOING A GOOD JOB.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS SO SCARED--

I WAS SO SCARED, I RAN DOWN TWO

LONG HARLEM BLOCKS.

I WAS LIKE, DON'T LOOK BACK.

YOU JUST KEEP GOING.

BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT.

I WANTED TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING

ON.

I LOOKED BACK FOR JUST A SECOND

AND SHE WAS STILL STANDING THERE

LOOKING AT ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]