Witty, Franklin, Hamilton, Shaw

  • 03/24/2005

GET AN AIDS TEST.

AND SHE WANTED ME TO GET THE

RESULTS ON A FRIDAY.

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, I'M NOT DOING THAT.

AND SHE SAID, WHY?

I SAID, BECAUSE IF I HAVE IT,

IT WILL RUIN MY WHOLE WEEKEND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, BRO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

THIS WEEKEND?

CRYING.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEVER SEE?

YOU NEVER SEE A GAY GUY TURNING

STRAIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SEE STRAIGHT GUYS TURNING

GAY.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT A NAGGING WIFE

AND KIDS THAT MAKES A MAN GO

STRAIGHT TO A PENIS?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ANYONE?

THINK ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

REMEMBER BACK IN MIDDLE SCHOOL,

LIKE WHEN THE GUY TEACHER USED

TO SAY, ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY GET

INTO GROUPS OF TWO.

EXCEPT SOME PEOPLE, THEY CAN'T

FIND A PARTNER, RIGHT.

SO THEY GOT TO SET OVER FOR

WHOEVER'S LEFT.

I THINK THAT'S HOW I'M GOING

TO GET MARRIED.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW LIKE, HERE'S YOUR SOUL

MATE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU KNOW SHE'S EQUALLY

DISAPPOINTED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LET ME GIVE YOU GUYS A TIP.

IF YOU EVER GO TO THE MIDDLE

EAST, ISRAEL, EGYPT, ANY PLACE

LIKE THAT, DON'T MAKE THE

MISTAKE I DID.

DON'T USE THOSE MAPS IN THE BACK

OF YOUR BIBLES TO GET AROUND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW THOSE ARE WAY OUT OF

DATE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I HAD A BIRTHDAY NOT LONG AGO.

MY MOM ALWAYS TRIED TO MAKE

BIRTHDAYS SPECIAL FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, LIKE ONE YEAR, SHE PUT

A LIFE SIZED INFLATABLE CLOWN IN

MY ROOM.

THAT WOULD BE NEAT WHEN IN WOKE

UP.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, LET ME JUST TELL YOU GUYS

YOU DON'T KNOW FEAR...

[LAUGHTER]

TILL YOU WAKE UP THE MIDDLE OF

THE NIGHT TO USE THE REST

ROOM...

AND THERE IN THE DARKNESS IS

WHAT APPEARS TO BE A MAN IN A

CLOWN OUTFIT...

WATCHING YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP.

MY KNEES BUCKLED IMMEDIATELY.

FEAR WILL MAKE IT EVEN MORE

SCARY IS THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN

MOVE.

[LAUGHTER]

HE JUST STAYED FOCUSED.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYBODY ELSE.

I TALK ON MY CELL PHONE ALL THE

TIME.

LIKE SO MUCH-- I THINK IT'S

RUINED MY SOCIAL SKILLS LIKE

WHEN I'M NOT EVEN ON THE PHONE,

YOU KNOW.

LIKE I DON'T EVEN SAY GOODBYE

ANY MORE.

I END EVERY CONVERSATION WITH I

CAN'T HEAR YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S A LOT OF CAUSES OUT

THERE.

AND I WANT TO HELP THEM ALL.

THEY'RE ALL GREAT.

BUT EVERY TIME I SEE THAT BUMPER

STICKER THAT SAYS FREE TIBET, I

ALWAYS THINK, I CAN'T.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TIBET IS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DON'T KNOW WHO HAS THEM.

FOR ALL I KNOW, THEY DESERVE

CAPTIVITY.

SEE I TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

I THINK THEY'RE DOING THAT

BECAUSE THEY THINK THAT I HAVE

THE POWER TO SEE THAT BUMPER

STICKER AND BE LIKE, ALL RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

[BEEPING SOUNDS]

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER]

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

IT'S AN INTERNATIONAL NUMBER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, IT'S ME.

[LAUGHTER]

LET 'EM GO.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IT'S NOT A GREAT AFRICAN NAME.

LIKE MY SISTER'S GOT A GREAT

AFRICAN NAME.

HER NAME IS NYELYA, WHICH MEANS

"ONE WHO SUCCEEDS".

MY NAME IS MARINA.

IT MEANS A PLACE WHERE YOU DOCK

BOATS.

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU.

I GREW UP IN CHICAGO, THAT'S

WHERE I GREW UP, THE SUBURBS OF

CHICAGO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, THANKS.

THANKS.

WHITE SUBURBS OF CHICAGO.

THEN WE MOVED TO THE SOUTH SIDE

OF CHICAGO, WHICH IS A BLACK--

[LOUD CHEERING]

[LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THE SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO, WHICH

WAS A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD.

SO BASICALLY I WENT FROM BEING

THE ONLY BLACK CHILD IN ALL

WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD TO BEING THE

ONLY WHITE CHILD, IN AN ALL

BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD.

THAT WAS TOUGH, MAN.

I REMEMBER GROWING UP IN THE

WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE IN

SCHOOL LIKE WHEN WE WOULD HAVE

THEME DAYS.

LIKE ON TIME, WE HAD '50s DAY,

WHICH ISN'T REALLY A GOOD TIME

FOR MY PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THE WHITE GIRLS WOULD COME

OUT WITH THE POODLE SKIRTS, ALL

EXCITED.

THEY'D BE LIKE, WOO-WOO, IT'S

'50s, YEAH!

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, SO I

JUST WORE A SIGN THAT SAID, WE

SHALL OVERCOME SOME DAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO I LOVE DOING THIS COMEDY

THING.

IT'S JUST IT'S HARD TO DO THIS

AND KEEP A MAN AT THE SAME TIME.

WHICH IS UNBELIEVABLE, 'CAUSE

LOOK AT ME.

I'M HOT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

I USED TO DATE THIS HAITIAN GUY.

HE COULDN'T STAND THE FACT THAT

I DID COMEDY.

YOU KNOW, HAITIAN MEN, THEY WANT

YOU TO STAY HOME, COOK, CLEAN,

HAVE A BIG BUTT.

I CAN'T DO ALL OF THAT AT THE

SAME TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE WAS ALWAYS YELLING AT ME.

HE WAS ALWAYS LIKE, [THICK

HAITIAN ACCENT] MARINA, DON'T

WRITE THIS THING YOU ARE DOING.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS COMEDY, YOU THINK YOU ARE

SO FUNNY.

SO HA, HA?

[APPLAUSE]

YOU NEED TO STAY HOME AND COOK.

YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MY

ZUZU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS WITH HIM FOR A LONG TIME,

TOO, FOUR YEARS.

THAT'S A LONG TIME TO BE WITH

SOMEONE WHEN YOU DON'T LIKE HIM.

THAT'S LIKE, HOW THE HELL DID

THAT HAPPEN?

I ACTUALLY BACK TO LIKE THE

FIRST TIME WE WENT OUT.

AND I REMEMBER HIM SAYING TO ME,

MARINE, YOU'RE GOING TO BE WITH

ME-- FOREVER.

[LAUGHTER]

[BLOWING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I LIVE IN HARLEM NOW.

I LOVE HARLEM.

ACTUALLY, YOU GUYS SHOULD ALL

GO, LIKE AS A GROUP.

[LAUGHTER]

GO.

I LOVE IT.

I GET IN TROUBLE, THOUGH, IN

HARLEM, ALL THE TIME.

LIKE ONE TIME I SAW THIS MOTHER

YELLING AT A CHILD ON A STREET.

YOU SEE A BLACK MOTHER YELLING

AT HER CHILD ON THE STREET,

DON'T EVER GET INVOLVED IN THAT.

MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

THIS WOMAN, SHE WAS TELLING AT

THIS CHILD SO BAD ON THE

STREET-- THAT'S THE CHILD.

SHE LIKE, GET YOUR ASS OVER

HERE.

I SAID GET YOUR BLACK ASS OVER

HERE!

NOW WHAT THE HELL YOU CRYING

FOR?

SHUT IT UP.

I SAID SHUT IT UP.

I'LL POP YOU IN YOUR MOUTH.

I LOOKED AT HER, I WAS LIKE, OH

MY GOD.

I TOLD HER, I SAID, YOU DON'T

TALK TO A CHILD LIKE THAT.

SHE LOOKED AT ME, SHE SAID, WHAT

THE HELL YOU LOOKING AT, HUH?

YOU WANT TO RAISE MY CHILD, HUH?

I WAS LIKE, NO.

YOU DOING A GOOD JOB.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS SO SCARED--

I WAS SO SCARED, I RAN DOWN TWO

LONG HARLEM BLOCKS.

I WAS LIKE, DON'T LOOK BACK.

YOU JUST KEEP GOING.

BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT.

I WANTED TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING

ON.

I LOOKED BACK FOR JUST A SECOND

AND SHE WAS STILL STANDING THERE

LOOKING AT ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WOMAN I'M CONVINCED SHE'S TRYING

TO DISTRACT ME WHILE SOMEONE

STEALS MY CAR.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN YOU REALIZE, OH, NOBODY

WANTS A SUZUKI SAMURAI THAT BAD.

IT'S MY LUCKY DAY.

I SHOULD BE ENJOYING MY SEX.

YOU EVER HAVE A FRIEND THAT'S

ONLY SEEN "STAR WARS" ONE TIME

AND THEY'RE OKAY WITH IT?

OR THEY'VE ONLY BEEN TO

DISNEYLAND ONCE.

THEY'RE LIKE: "YEAH I WENT WHEN

I WAS TEN, I DON'T NEED TO GO

AGAIN.

THOSE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE I HAVE

SEX WITH.

LIKE YOU KNOW IF YOU TRIED IT

AGAIN, YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE A

GOOD TIME.

THEY'RE LIKE: "I'M GOOD, JUST

GO."

[LAUGHTER]

I SAW THIS COMMERCIAL FOR THIS

NEW CAR INSURANCE, WHICH IS $30

A MONTH.

AND THEY'RE ASKING PEOPLE ON THE

STREET, THEY'RE LIKE: "IF YOU

COULD GET CAR INSURANCE FOR A

DOLLAR A DAY, WHAT WOULD YOU

DO?"

AND THIS ONE GUY SAID: "I'D BUY

ANOTHER CAR."

AND THIS WOMAN SAID: "I'D PAY MY

BILLS."

AND I WAS THINKING I MIGHT

ACTUALLY GET CAR INSURANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK I COULD AFFORD THAT

DOLLAR A DAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A LOT OF MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN

GETTING THAT LASIK EYE SURGERY

STUFF DONE.

AND I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT

MAYBE GETTING THAT DONE, BECAUSE

MY EYES AREN'T SO GREAT.

EXCEPT I'M NOT SURE IF I WANT

SOMEONE SHOOTING LASERS IN MY

EYES AT THIS POINT, BUT AS SOON

AS I CAN GET THE SURGERY WHERE

LASERS SHOOT OUT OF MY EYES,

OH, COME ON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M FIRST IN LINE THAT DAY.

I'LL COME BACK HERE AND LIGHT

ALL YOU PEOPLE ON FIRE WITH MY

CRAZY LASER EYES.

YOU'D PAY MONEY TO SEE THAT

SHOW.

THAT'S A GOOD SHOW.

AND I DON'T KNOW I'VE BEEN

TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT SINCE I

WAS ABOUT FIVE YEARS OLD.

THIS HAS GOTTA GO.

I'VE GOT A WEDDING I'VE GOT TO

GO TO NEXT WEEK, AND I WAS

TRYING TO LOSE SIX POUNDS BY THE

BY THE WEEKEND, AND I DON'T

THINK I'M GONNA DO IT.

SO I'M GONNA GET MY BACK WAXED

AND THEN I ONLY HAVE TO LOSE

TWO.

SO THAT'S MORE LIKELY.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I'LL BE

WALKING AROUND GOING LOOK AT ME,

MY CLOTHES ARE KIND OF BAGGY,

MAYBE I AM LOSING WEIGHT.

TURNS OUT JUST LAUNDRY TIME.

MAYBE I SHOULDN'T WEAR THE SAME

JEANS SIX DAYS IN A ROW, HUH?

THAT'S-- THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S KIND OF HARD TO LOSE WEIGHT

THOUGH, AND EVERY TIME YOU SEE

SIGN THAT SAYS LIKE "WORLD'S

BEST DONUT" YOU TAKE AS A

PERSONAL CHALLENGE.

YOU'RE LIKE: "I'LL SEE ABOUT

THAT!

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT THIS IS A GOOD

DONUT.

I'LL TAKE SEVEN...

DOZEN.

AND A DIET COKE."

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, ONE LAST THING BEFORE

I GO.

LAST TIME I WAS AT THE DOCTOR,

I NOTICED IT'S NOT REALLY A GOOD

THING IF THE DOCTOR ASKS YOU A

QUESTION AND HE'S ALREADY

SHAKING HIS HEAD.

HE'S LIKE: "HAVE YOU EVER DONE

ANY SORT OF EXERCISE AT ALL?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU EVER RIDDEN A BIKE OR

JOGGED MAYBE?

HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO HURRY?"

Y'ALL LOOK SO PRETTY.

OH, I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL CAN

TELL BUT I'M NOT FROM HERE.

YES, I'M NOT.

I'M FROM TEXAS ORIGINALLY.

I'M A TEXAN BY BIRTH.

I'M A LESBIAN BY GRACE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF Y'ALL SEE GRACE, TELL HER

I SAID HI.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, MY LOOK AT Y'ALL LOOKING AT

ME NOW LIKE-- "YOU MEAN IF WE

CAN'T TELL DOES THAT MEAN WE'RE

GAY?

YES.

[LAUGHTER]

OH NO I KNOW A LOT OF Y'ALL ARE

HETEROSEXUALS.

BY APPLAUSE HOW MANY OF Y'ALL

ARE HETEROSEXUALS?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH GOOD.

BE PROUD!

DO NOT BE ASHAMED OF YOUR

SEXUALITY.

YOU CAN'T HELP IT.

YOU WERE BORN THAT WAY.

AND THAT'S GREAT BEING--

YOU KNOW CAUSE--

YOU KNOW IT'S HARD BEING GAY

THESE DAYS.

I'M FROM THE SOUTH.

THEY KILL PEOPLE FOR [BLEEP]

LIKE THAT.

IT IS, YOU KNOW.

AND I TRAVEL ALL OVER THE SOUTH

DOING SHOWS AND STUFF.

AND I ALWAYS GET PEOPLE AFTER

SHOWS THAT ASK ME QUESTIONS.

LIKE I'M THE LESBIAN VISUAL AID.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY DO.

THEY ASK ME QUESTIONS.

I WAS IN ALABAMA A FEW WEEKS AGO

AND THIS GUY COMES UP TO ME AND

HE GOES-- "[SNORTS]

I DON'T GET IT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY A LESBIAN

WANTS TO BE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

HELL, IF I HAD BREASTS I'D JUST

STAY HOME AND PLAY WITH MYSELF."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WELL, THAT'S JUST FINE, COOTER.

BUT IF YOU LOOK ABOVE THAT BEER

GUT OF YOURS, YOU'LL SEE YOUR

BREASTS ARE AS BIG AS MINE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND MY BROTHER IS VERY

HOMOPHOBIC, HE WAS MAD WHEN I

CAME OUT TO HIM, BOY, HE

SCREAMED AT ME.

HE DID.

HE GOES: "VICKIE, IT'S A CULT!

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S A CULT!

THAT HOMOSEXUALITY, THAT'S A

CULT.

THEY WILL SUCK YOU IN."

WELL, YEAH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHY I JOINED.

AND YOU KNOW BUT I CAME OUT TO

MY KIDS, BECAUSE YOU WORRY ABOUT

YOUR KIDS, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE OUR

KIDS GO TO SCHOOL WITH OTHER

KIDS.

AND WE KNOW KIDS CAN BE CRUEL.

SO I TOLD MY KIDS, I SAID: "ALL

RIGHT LOOK YOU GUYS.

IF SOMEONE COMES UP TO YOU IN

SCHOOL AND SAYS 'IS YOUR MOM

GAY?'"

LOOK THEM SQUARE IN THE FACE AND

GO: "WHY DOES YOUR MOM WANT TO

DATE HER?"

Loading...