Burr, Fox, Fulchiron, Bjorgen, Lenox, Rontowski, Johnagin

  • Season 1, Ep 0105
  • 08/10/2006

Watching the History Channeltoday, right?

They have this whole, like,three-hour special

on Adolf Hitler, you know?

Here's a question for you:

How come you never runinto anybody

with the last name Hitler?

You ever notice that?

That guy didn't haveany relatives?

You know, he didn't have,like, a cousin?

Like, Ed.

You know, Ed Hitler--he's a plumber, right?

He's a ( bleep ).

Shows up to work on time.

You're a little late,he covers for you.

You know he had relatives.

They all had to changetheir last names.

I'm fascinated with that levelof evil, right?

Like, you're so evil,they have to retire your name.

Like, that's it, it's over,shut it down.

( laughter )

They just take your name outof that baby book list of names.

( squeaks ) Just erase it.

Think about it.

For the rest of time,

no one's gonna havea beautiful baby and be, like,

"You want to call him Adolf?

Is everybody... everybody coolwith that?"

( laughter, applause and cheering )

Can you imagine...?

Oh, thank you.

Can you...

Can you imagine being that muchof a ( bleep ), though?

Like, whatever your name is,the day you die--

"Steve-- that's it,no more Steves.

You see that, dude?"

There's only a few namesin history like that, right?

Like, nobody has a friendnamed Attila, right?

Anybody hanging outwith their buddy Judas tonight?

You're not,and that's a cool name.

You set up one messiah to die,that's it, it's over.

They're having, like,the retirement ceremony.

They're bringing your jerseyup to the rafters.

You're standing baselinewith a bunch of other psychos

getting high fives and stuff.

It's a weird grading system,though.

You know what I mean?

'Cause look at a guylike Jeffrey Dahmer, man.

That guy murdered and ateover, like, 30 people.

People are still callingtheir babies Jeffrey.

He must've been pissed.

It's, like, "Dude,how many people do I got to eat

"to get a little ( bleep )damn respect around here?

"Anybody can kill 'em,I'm eating 'em.

"Ooh, you stabbed 'em.Fire up the grill."

Taking thisto a whole nother level.

I realize man, I've beenreally empty lately.

I never go to church, man.

I got to be honest,I hate church.

Always couldn't stand itwhen I was growing up.

Yeah, there's a couple of otherpeople going to hell with me.

Yeah, there you go.( applause )

You know what it is,I grew up Catholic.

I used to sit therein the crowd,

you know,listening to the priest.

The priest--they were, like, preaching.

They didn't even soundlike they believed it.

They'd just be up there.

"This is Gospelaccording to Luke.

"All right, I'm not sayingit happened.

"I'm not sayingit didn't happen, all right?

"I'm-I'm just sayingwhat Luke said.

"Now, according to Luke,the dude got out of of the boat,

"he started walkingacross the water.

"I don't know.Sounded crazy to me.

"I don't knowif he was a drinker.

"But, you know,don't get mad at me.

"I'm-I'm just repeatingwhat Luke...

what Luke said."

No, I definitely...I believe in a higher power,

but I think when people justget too into religion,

they get crazy.

Like, I like people,they, like...

they get so intothat they actually, like,

argue, like,what color Jesus is.

You know what I mean?Which is hilarious.

That's, like, one of the mostunholy things

you could ever do, right?

They'll sit there,and they'll be, like,

"You know, Jesus,he's for everybody--

"rich people, poor people.

"He doesn't care.

"He's just...He's just a great spirit.

Ev-Everything's great."

"Oh, yeah? What color is He?"

"He's white.

"He looks like me.

We're the chosen people."

You know? Or...

( applause and cheering )

Some of my, uh...

some of my black friends

tried to convince methat Jesus was black.

You know,He had that nappy hair,

all this stuff, you know.

It's the dumbest thingto argue about.

I really don't give a ( bleep )what color Jesus is.

I just don't want Him to be madat me when He comes back.

That's my deal.I don't care what He is.

When He comes backon that seven-headed horse,

chopping people's heads off,whatever the hell it is,

I just want,when He rides by me,

you know, just give meone of these.

( laughter )

Make me feel goodabout my life, you know?


I've been doing thisfor quite a while now, man.

I got to be honestwith you, man.

I just wantto make a zillion bucks.

You know, go home,stare at the wall, you know?

So, I actually came upwith a scheme, right?

I'm gonna quit doingthis comedy stuff.

I'm gonna write a book on,like, relationships, you know?

My girl's always watchingthat Oprah show.

So I see people love readingabout relationships.

I'm gonna write a book on it.

It's gonna be called Women Are Absolutely Right. Right?

Chapter one's gonna be"Women are ( bleep ).

( laughter )You know?

Chapter two, "If Guys JustListen To Women,

There'll Be No War."Right?

Then, in the back of the book,I'll have, like, a picture of me

in, like, a turtleneck sweater

with, like, the gayest lookever, just like...

( laughter and applause )

You know? So I look likeI really understand women.

And then, a bunch of womenwill go out and buy the book,

and they'll take it home

to their boyfriendor the husband.

"You see that? Look at that.

"A guy wrote this.

You really need to read this."

Meanwhile, I makea zillion dollars, right?

I go out, I buy a big house.

( laughter )I get some whores.

I fly 'em all in,get 'em all tested.

Just start banging away, right?

And then, right in the middleof humping one of them,

you take a picturefor next year's book called

Ha! Ha! You Stupid Bitches.

Then all the guys buy it.

( applause )

Yeah...and they take it home

to their girlfriendor their wife.

"Ah! You see that?

"That's the guyin the turtleneck sweater.

You financed this."

Keep yourselves going.

to ( bleep ) through this.

I hope that's cool.


Bill-Bill should have warnedyou guys, uh,

you might hear a dial tonewhile I'm up here.

If you do hear a dial tone,

it's just 'cause my comedyis off ( bleep ) hook.

What's up, dude?

( applause and cheering )

Like, what's up right now?

'Cause, uh, me...me and my ex-girlfriend--

you know,we used to fight,

when we were going out,all the time.

Like, uh, like one nightwe were going out to dinner,

and, like, I'm not alwaysdressed this nice.

You know what I mean? Like...

I got on the, uh,the suit today, 'cause

I'm on TV right now.

You know what I'm saying?

I am, I'm totallyon TV right now.

( laughter )

Um... but, uh, like,we were going out to dinner,

and I was wearing this, uh,this blue windbreaker

that I look really handsome in.

You know what I mean?Like-like...

Like, this windbreakerreally brings out the nylon

in my eyes,you know what I mean?

But she's, like...she's, like,

"Matt, can you change?"

She goes,"We're going out to dinner.

You're dressedlike a gas station attendant."

I was, like,"Oh, that's funny,

"'cause, uh, I didn't hear youcomplaining last night

when I was topping offthe tank."

( laughter )

Ha, ha. Using the, uh...

the self-service pumpthat night.


( laughter )

It's a masturbation joke.

Why not?

Bill, is there... is thereinsurance on this stage?

'Cause I'm ripping this bitchto pieces, dude. I...

( applause and cheering )

( audience whooping )I...

I can't afford to pay for it.

I, uh...

I went... I went on a datewith this one girl,

and she was wearing a skirt

and a pair of jeansunder the skirt.

It was likeshe was saying to me,

"Hey, Matt, here's two things

you're not gettinginto tonight."

( applause )

I wrote that jokeon a deposit slip,

'cause ( bleep )is money in the bank.

What's up, bitches?

Like, what's up right now,Manhattan?

If that's even your real name.

What's up?

I'm not a...

( applause and cheering )

Whoo! Wow.

This is my demographicright here.

( laughter )

I quit my job.

My boss was gettingon my last nerves.

You know what I mean? Like...

My boss came in my office.

She's, like, "Matt, you know,you don't comb your hair,

you don't shave your face."

She's, like, "You've gota $15 suit." You know?

She's, like,"Can you look any more

like a homeless person?"

And I was, like,"Well, uh, I could, uh...

"I could bum a quarter,you know?

"Um... I could, uh...

"I could smoke a crack rock.


( laughter )

I could take ( bleep )on the break room floor."

I don't think it's gonna helpbusiness out any, dumb-ass.

She's so stupid, man.

She's, like,"Matt, you're so immature."

I was, like,"Yeah, I know that you are,

but what am I?"

( laughter )


I can't even get that jokeon an airplane,

'cause it's the mother ( bleep )bomb.

What's up?

( applause )

What's up right now?

Seriously, for me?

Oh, my God.

Uh, you know, I quit my...I quit my job,

and they f... they...

Right. Remember? From before?

It still makes everybody happy.

But when I quit,like, they freaked out.

I was a file clerkfor, like, six years.

And they're, like,"Matt, you can't leave.

This place depends on you."And all that stuff.

And I was, like,

"This whole place dependson a beer-guzzling jackass

"whose only real goalis to use your Internet services

to find another job?"

( laughs mockingly )

You guys are in more troublethan you think.

( laughter )

I'm just glad you guysbrought the air conditioning,

'cause I broughtthe ( bleep ) heat.

What's up ( bleep )?

Seriously, seriously.

Come on.

Get out of here.

They say money changes people.

And I say,hook that ( bleep ) up.

You know what I mean?

I'm about duefor some alterations, you know?

Like, I don't careif money changes me

into a 300-pound chinchillawith herpes simplex two.

( applause )

to make whatever visualadjustments you need to make

before I do my first joke.

( clears throat )( laughter )

( laughter )

All this stuff is going onin the news.

I don't understandhow people get

so passionateabout politics, anyway.

My mom... my mom is madat George Bush

like they used to date,now he don't call anymore.

( laughter )

I don't understand that.

Politics ain't designedfor all of us to succeed.

Politics is like Amway--

it's pretty goodfor a few people at the top,

the rest of us get stuckwith lame products

you try to pawn off onsomebody dumber than you are.


But people get so madat him, you know?

I just don'tunderstand it, y'all.

Like, I'm not madat the president.

To me, it just look likehe knows this is his last term.

( laughter )

You know... you all knowwhat it feels like

when you gave yourtwo-week notice at a job

you don't give a damn aboutno more, right?

That's what he feels...looks like he...

I'm surprised, when you givethat two-week notice,

you don't go off,you be like,

"Yeah, I stole a stapler.

What, are you goingto fire me? I don't care."

I'm surprised the president justdon't have a press conference

to tell everybodyto whip his ass.

"Just kiss my ass, I'm done."

I'm surprised he don't go,"You know what?"

Kunta Kinte Kanye,whatever your name is...

( laughter )

"You're right, I don't careabout black people."

( laughter )

"I barely likethe six that voted for me,

so I don't care what you say."

I'm surprisedhe just don't go off,

you know what I mean?

"I knew there was no weaponsof mass destruction.

"( bleep ) it, I saw morein Charlton Heston's basement

"than I didwhen I was over there.

I don't give a damn."

Why not?

"I'm just waiting for him to go,you know what, France, Canada?

Just give me a reason,just give me one reason."

( laughter )

Why not? What do you expect himto do, you know?

"You guys think I'm dumb,

"I'm the president,but you think I'm dumb?

"If I'm so dumb,let me ask you this question:

I don't pay for gas,how's it working out for you?"

( laughter )

in America,

there's very few things that arefree from any racist slant.

You know what they are?

Two things:the soul and bills.

Bills don't care.

Bills don't carewhat your race or religion,

what happened in your past--bills don't care.

They don't know racial slurs.

Bill collector don't useracial slurs.

Like, if you're Jewish andyou don't make a car payment,

they just take the car.

There's no race inflammatorynote where the car used to be.

"Well, since your people areused to walking a lot anyway..."

( clears throat )

( laughter )

"...maybe you canwalk on down here

and make a payment on this car."

I'm serious.New York, you know what?

I got so much love in my lifenow, that nothing else matters.

I'd rather... I'd rather tryto spend my time

making my girl happy

than listening toTucker Carlson tell me...

You know what I mean?

I'd rather do that thanthe other dumb stuff.

Plus...And there's fear in love, too.

Sometimes, you do stuffyou have no idea is scary.

Like maybe, hey, dude, you everate the last Klondike bar?

Now, you didn't knowshe been thinking about it

since 11:00 in the morningthat day at work?

( laughter )

You... you ever dothat before, man?

You ever atethe last thing of something

and didn't know she plannedher whole evening

around eating that one thing?

That's way past"orange alert" fear,

you don't whatthe hell happened.

( laughter )

You didn't know she had toldfive of her friends

about the ice cream and...

they made a planto have a conference call

to discuss the deliciousnessof the damn treat.

( laughter )

You just ate the ice cream.

So she comes home from work,she's all tired,

she go in her room,take off her work clothes

so she can put on herice-cream-eating outfit.

( laughter )

Always someraggedy-ass sweatpants

that come rolled way up to here.

Pop that bra andthat blouse off.

"Oh, God, it was hotout there today! Jesus!"

( laughter )And they put a sweatshirt on.

Sometimes, they put their hairin that little...

( clicks tongue ) ...ballright there.

You see that ball?

That is not anI'm-ready-to-make-love ball.

( laughter )

That's an all-hell's-going-to-break-loose-

cause-my-ice-cream-ain't-in-the-freezer ball.

( laughter )

So she headsright for that kitchen,

looking for that ice cream, man.

"I've been thinkingabout this all day... wha...


"You left the empty boxin there,

you selfish son of a bitch?"

( laughter )

Now she's mad,'cause she's gotta eat

her second food choice--

it's always some bull ( bleep ),like a banana.

She walk in the living room,eating her ( bleep ) banana

waiting for you to saysomething stupid.

( laughter )

( grunts )

You sit up andyou don't have a clue

your whole life'sabout the change.

( laughter )

You still got chocolateall on your face, man.

( laughter )

Your fingers is all sticky--

you have no clue how mad she is.

She's so mad, she gonna have herperiod again--

just ended three days ago.

( laughter )

You just...

You just sitting up therewatching SportsCenter,

being an ass ( bleep ).

( goofy grunt )

( licking, smacking )

( laughter )

"Hey, you're havinga banana, huh?"

( laughter )

"You know I love watching youwork them bananas over."

( laughter )

There's nothing scarierthan that, you know?

So here'sthe bottom line for me.

Here's the bottom line,before I leave.

You only going to live once.

One day, you're justnot going to wake up.

You don't know whenthat's going to be,

so why not just choose stuffthat makes you feel good?

'Cause if you'rea big news junkie,

and you're worriedabout this or that,

I got some bad news for you--

neither Bill O'Reillynor Bill Maher

is going to cometo your funeral, so...

( laughter )

Anyway, thank you very much.

My friends ask me if I get a lotof girls because of comedy.

That insinuates I get so manygirls I got to categorize them.

Like, "These girls'cause of comedy.

"I got these 'cause they thoughtI was rich,

and these thoughtI was Harry Potter."

I know, I know.

I am adorable.

I was a waiterbefore I started stand-up.

I worked at a restaurant.

I was a waiter for two years.

They gave us a two-year pin toput on the collar of our shirt,

just in casewe're ever there thinking,

"Hey, how's my life going?"

All we had to do

was look down and realize, "Oh,it's gone nowhere in two years."

Holy baloney, time flies

when you sing 1,300birthday songs in a week.

I found outthey had a 30-year pin.

It was an Applebee's;they had a 30-year pin.

I'm like, "Man, that's got to bea good banquet."

They're like, "We're hereto honor all our Apple-buddies.

"Tommy, who's a waiter... still.

"Also, we'd like to honorJohn Applebee,

"the creator of Applebee's.

"John's a millionaire.

"Tom, if you could,pick up table 24.

We're freakin'... we're busy."

one room,not a lot to be happy about.

The only thing is if you're everin bed with a girl

and she hears a noise,you don't got to get up

in your underwearand check all the extra rooms.

She's, like,"I think I heard something."

I'm like, "Hold on,I'll check it out.

"All clear!

"Green light.

"Do you want me to make surethe door is locked?

We're safe."

I get to do some cool stuff.

I got to ride in a limousinea few weeks ago, which I love.

It's likethe funnest thing ever.

I was a pallbearer at a funeral.

Yeah, it was still a limo,seriously.

Just 'cause he's having a badday doesn't mean I should, too.

I've been a pallbearerseven times-- seven!

You know what I'm talking about.

Always the pallbearer...

( sighs )

It's supposed to be an honorto be a pallbearer-- an honor.

I've never beencarrying a casket thinking,

"This is an honor."

I'm thinking, "This is heavy.

"Are you guyseven lifting back there?

It's like deadweight on my end."

I know.

And then twice, I thought,"I wonder what would happen

if I just dropped himright now."

That'd be funny, you know?

People may not laughimmediately.

That's a time-release joke,I understand.

That takes six or seven monthsto set on your brain.

Then, one day, I'll be gettingsomething out of the fridge.

They'll be like, "Don't dropthat like you did--

"ah, ha, ha-- Uncle David.


I refuse to go to funeralswith my dad,

'cause he takes a pictureat every funeral we go to.

I don't even know who you'd showa funeral picture to.

You're, like, "Hey, did you hearabout David? He passed away."

They're like, "Oh, my God,I don't believe it."

And you're like,"Believe it now? Don't doubt me.

Don't doubt me."

( sighs )My girl-- it's April.

My girlfriend's alreadysaving up Christmas money.

She called me, she's like,"You'll never guess

how much money I've saved up."I go, "How much?"

She goes, "One thousand,twenty-one hundred dollars."

( muttering )

"Well, you're right;I wouldn't have guessed that."

Yeah, really.

When I guess numbers,I don't make them up.

Last Christmaswas kind of weird.

I ended up getting my girlfriendway more than she got me.

Like, she got me a new pair ofshoes, and I got her pregnant.

Imagine. Yeah, that's way morethan shoes.

I go, "Do you even love me?

I'm going all out over here."

Found outat the doctor's office,

and he was tryingto make us feel better.

He goes, "Calm down;at least I didn't say

we have to amputate her leg."

And I go, "Oh, my God, I didn'tknow we could do that instead.

We'll take that one, Doctor."

I got a co-pay;that doesn't matter to me.

I'm not a jerk--that's mean, but I'm not a jerk.

If my girlfriendgot her leg taken off,

I would be there to help herfind another boyfriend.

'Cause I got heart.

We found outshe wasn't pregnant.

The doctor said it's whatthey call a false positive,

which is cool,because, apparently,

I'd only false peed my pantswhen he told us.

I was like, "This feels real,but you are the doctor."

You don't even wantto hear the word "pregnant"

when you have that situation.

We go out to dinner one night,and my girlfriend

didn't feel very well,and she goes,

"Tommy, I kind of feel sick."

And the woman with us goes,"Maybe you're pregnant."

And I go, "Maybe you should shutup and eat your taters, lady!"

That's ridiculous.

Every friend she's gotdoes that.

My friends would never do that.

I could have a girl eightand a half months pregnant.

My friends would be like,"Maybe it's gas."

I'd be like,"I saw the ultrasound.

There's a baby in there."

They'd be like,"Maybe she ate a baby."

You're right, I'm not lookingon the bright side.

Oh, darn.

I went to college to do this--not really.

I finished collegein three years.

A lot of people say

that's hard to do, but allthose people have degrees.

( muttering ):Not me-- I don't have...

They're like,"How'd you finish so quickly?"

And I go, "I just said, 'I'mfinished,' and then, I left."

Like nobody's gonna stop me?

I went to a community college,'cause I'm not very smart.

The hardest thing to doat a community college

is cheat on a test,

because the only peopleyou can cheat off of

also go to a community college.

I was like, "What'd you getfor number three?"

The guy is, like,"True. What'd you get?"

I go, "Finland. Wow.

One of us is goingto get this wrong."

I lost my virginity in college,

which is kind of latefor some people.

The girl was, like,very experienced.

She was a chatterbox, she waswanting me to talk dirty to her.

She goes, "Tommy, tell mewhat you're thinking."

So I smacked her on the butt,and I was like,

"I can't wait to tell my friendsabout this."

My name is Kjell.

I live by myself; I've gotan identical twin brother,

uh, which sucks,because my brother's older

by five minutes,and, apparently,

those five minutes gave himthe ability to succeed in life,

uh, 'cause he was betterat everything.

He had better grades in school,

he was better at sports,and this goes back to birth,

because my parents didn't knowthat I was coming.

They thought they werejust having my brother.

That's cool-- I crashedmy own birth-- that's awesome.

That feels good.

So he comes out, like,"Aw, look at our little baby.

"We love him; he's got successin his eyes, our fella."

And this is what the doctor saidword for word-- this is true.

The doctor said,"Wait, there's something more."

"There's something more,"like I'm some beast

or creature of unknown species.

Like, what kind of doctoris that?

What kind of training do youhave as a physician

saying,"There's something more."

Why don't you say,"Whoa, hold on here, whoa.

We've got some afterbirth,and it's taken human form."

My brother's wrapped upin a warm, cozy blanket.

They put me in a bedpan.

That was my welcome matto the world.

It's true-- I'm like,"I'm freezing,

can I get some gauzeor something? Anything."

And you guysare intrigued by twins.

Everyone always asksthe same question

when they find out I'm a twin.

They're like, "Wow, you'rea twin; that's so cool.

"Do you guys have ESP?

"Like, can you readeach other's minds?

If I punch you,will he feel it?"

I'm like, "No."

There's one time I had ESPwith my brother.

This is creepy, this is weird,you guys.

It was a Friday night,and unbeknownst to me,

my brother went out and gotcompletely drunk, all right?

Just hammered.

That same night, I had sexwith a really ugly chick.

It's like Twilight Zone.

Oh, thanks a bunch,thanks, guys, thank you.

Feels good, feels good.

( laughs )


My brother gets drunka lot.

Oh, there we go.

Slow roller. Feels good.


He's got a wife,he's got a baby.

You got the babies,you got the chitlins? No?

You got the chitlins? No? No?

All right.

Who's got the chitlins here?

No one. All right, fair enough.

I like kids.

I think kids are fun,they're pure,

they're innocent,you know what I mean?

They're fun, but I have a littlesister; she's nine years old,

and when they're nine years old,( bleep ) damn it.

They have an attention-seekingconstitution that is relentless.

Like, all she says is,"Watch me," or "Look at this."

That's all she says: "Watch me!""Look at this." "Look at that."

"What number is that?What number is that?"

"Look at me."Over and over again.

Like, honestly,it makes you want to drive drunk

on Halloween.

Look at Superman fly.

It's fun you guys, it's fun.

I don't do that,that's a joke, okay?

But here's what I do.

And if you got the chitlinsand they're annoying you,

this is great.

Honestly, when my sister'sin my face and annoying,

I honestly enjoy sneezingin the faces of small children.

Just let them have it,you know what I mean?

'Cause nothing usurpsthe attention of a nine-year-old

better than a sneezeto the face, okay?

And I feel you judging me,Gotham, I feel you...

Let's focus here, all right?

I will never raise my voiceto a child,

because when you yellat a child,

you steal their innocence, okay?

I will never raise my handto a child,

but I will ( bleep ) damn sneezein their face, okay?

'Cause they're too dumband young

to realize that you're spittingin their face.

It's a ruse is what it is.

So if you're getting frustratedwith kids, you don't grab them,

you don't dothe nanny-nanny shake.

No, you don't--you sneeze in their face,

'cause what you're doing isyou're getting the venom out

in a refreshing sea mist.

Uh, still a waiter.

How many people wait tablesby round of applause here?

Pitter-patter, pitter-patter,fair enough.

I wait tablesat a corporate-owned restaurant.

And when you wait tablesat a chain restaurant,

it's just likethe movie Office Space.

It's flair, in-your-face flair.

I live in a butt-fluffof suggestive selling

and incessant"Happy, Happy Birthday" songs.

And it's so loud.

They train all the serversto be in your face.

Is that what you wantwhen you go to a restaurant?

Like, I want to sit downand enjoy some quiet time

with my friends--that's what I want.

What I don't want is somehyperactive cheese ( bleep )

in an apron intrudingon my personal space,

pummeling me with mindless,

insincere phrases like,"Hi, how are you?

"Hey, how are you guys?

"Do you want to start offwith some zucchini circles

"or perhapssome Bubba's Far-Out Dip?

"We've got protein drinks.

( chuckling ): "Those are Bud Light,Miller Lite, and Sam Adams.

"I'm super-zesty!

I'm super-zesty-- ah!"

All right, hey,that's my time, guys.

for coming to the show,ladies and gentlemen.

I am having the best week.

The other night, I went outon a date with a guy,

said he didn't like womenwho were fragile or vulnerable.

So I stabbed him.

I think he'll call again.

And I just got back from

my three-year-old nephew'sbirthday party, you know.

And for his birthday, my sister,she gets him a piƱata.

Because apparently, at three,

he wasn't breaking enough thingsaround the house.

She wants to blindfold himand hand him a bat.

I'm not allowed over anymore,'cause I kept going,

"Hey, Evan, I bet there's candyin that lamp over there.

"Oh, too bad.

Try the dog."

See, I thought that was funny.

My sister didn't thinkit was funny at all.

In fact,she yelled at me, she goes,

"You knowwhat your problem is, Karen?

You think like a man."

So I said,

"I'm sorry, I wasn't listening."

And then I made hersmell my socks.

I love it.

But I noticed at the hotel,you guys have, like,

five religious channelson your cable TV.

And, yeah, that's five too manyfor me, you know?

And I didn't knowwhat they were.

I turned it on,some woman's reading off sins.

I thought they werethings to do in town.

I was like,"Man, the community update

is very thorough here."

And then this guy came on thescreen, right? And he goes,

"The divorced Christian womanhas to be very careful,

'cause men know she's beenmarried, and she's familiar."

I know.Have you ever heard

that word used like that before?

Well, I guess that would explainwhy everyone keeps saying to me,

"Hey, you look really familiar."

It's a little joke on me.

But I had to rent a carto come here.

You know what kind of carthey gave me?

They gave me a Daewoo.

Yes, Daewoo--that's Korean for "Just walk."

But I'm getting a new car.

You know what kind of carI'm getting?

I'm getting a Honda Civic,

because thoseare very safe cars.

And I know 'cause I saw a guytotal one the other day

when I ran him off the road.

You know, he just gets outand looks at me and goes,

"Hey, you knocked thecheeseburger out of my hand."

And I was like,"Hey, you spilled my beer."

There are no winners here.

Man, I should getsome car insurance or something.

And, uh...

This is such a great country.

And I know it's great, 'causeI was just recently in Japan.

And did you know the Japanese,

they thinkthat Americans are lazy.

But don't you guys get upset.

'Cause I went right over there,

I straightenedthat whole damn country out.

I did, I told them,

"Look, Americans,we are not lazy.

We just like to sit."

And I'm right, think about it.

We have chairs in every roomof our house except the bedroom.

We're tired of sitting,we're gonna lay down.

The car, the train,the airplane--

all American inventions,all moving chairs.

Now, when you're a little kid,

the first game you learn:musical chairs.

This shows you the importanceof finding a seat.

And when we give someonethe death penalty,

we give him the...electric chair.

We're gonna kill you.

Have a seat.

In fact, we get very nervous

when people arejust standing around.

It's against the law;it's called loitering.

'Cause we have no understandingwhy people would be in an area

where there are no chairs.

And that's why

a standing ovation isso important in this country.

'Cause if you can get

that big, fat, American assout of its seat...

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I had a little racismthis morning that I think

we should just get outof the way, so we can move on.

Starbucks-- I'm notgonna tell you which one--

but it was on 26th and 7th.

There's four over there.

I'm not gonna tell youwhich one.

But I walked in there,and this little Asian girl

behind the counterlooked up at me and yelled,

"Tall, single,nonfat Americano."


I just want a muffin.

And what makes you thinkI'm single?

I am single.

And let's talk abouta date I had the other day

out in Los Angeles.

I was, like, "Whatever you want,this is your day.

I'm gonna accommodate you."

So first we went hiking.

She wanted to go hiking,and that was fun.

And then after that,she was like,

"You know, let's gorollerblading, biking."

And we did that.

Then after that, she was like,"Let's run along the ocean,

watch the sunset."

We did that.

Then after that, she was like,

"You know, we should go camping,maybe kayaking in the morning."

I was, like, "Wait a second...

Do you have herpes?"

Because I thinkI've seen this commercial.

I don't likethat commercial at all.