Burr, Fox, Fulchiron, Bjorgen, Lenox, Rontowski, Johnagin

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 08/10/2006

Bill Burr describes the worst part about church, Kirk Fox recounts a racist encounter at Starbucks, and Darryl Lenox reveals what happens when you eat the last Klondike bar.

Watching the History Channeltoday, right?

They have this whole, like,three-hour special

on Adolf Hitler, you know?

Here's a question for you:

How come you never runinto anybody

with the last name Hitler?

You ever notice that?

That guy didn't haveany relatives?

You know, he didn't have,like, a cousin?

Like, Ed.

You know, Ed Hitler--he's a plumber, right?

He's a ( bleep ).

Shows up to work on time.

You're a little late,he covers for you.

You know he had relatives.

They all had to changetheir last names.

I'm fascinated with that levelof evil, right?

Like, you're so evil,they have to retire your name.

Like, that's it, it's over,shut it down.

( laughter )

They just take your name outof that baby book list of names.

( squeaks ) Just erase it.

Think about it.

For the rest of time,

no one's gonna havea beautiful baby and be, like,

"You want to call him Adolf?

Is everybody... everybody coolwith that?"

( laughter, applause and cheering )

Can you imagine...?

Oh, thank you.

Can you...

Can you imagine being that muchof a ( bleep ), though?

Like, whatever your name is,the day you die--

"Steve-- that's it,no more Steves.

You see that, dude?"

There's only a few namesin history like that, right?

Like, nobody has a friendnamed Attila, right?

Anybody hanging outwith their buddy Judas tonight?

You're not,and that's a cool name.

You set up one messiah to die,that's it, it's over.

They're having, like,the retirement ceremony.

They're bringing your jerseyup to the rafters.

You're standing baselinewith a bunch of other psychos

getting high fives and stuff.

It's a weird grading system,though.

You know what I mean?

'Cause look at a guylike Jeffrey Dahmer, man.

That guy murdered and ateover, like, 30 people.

People are still callingtheir babies Jeffrey.

He must've been pissed.

It's, like, "Dude,how many people do I got to eat

"to get a little ( bleep )damn respect around here?

"Anybody can kill 'em,I'm eating 'em.

"Ooh, you stabbed 'em.Fire up the grill."

Taking thisto a whole nother level.

I realize man, I've beenreally empty lately.

I never go to church, man.

I got to be honest,I hate church.

Always couldn't stand itwhen I was growing up.

Yeah, there's a couple of otherpeople going to hell with me.

Yeah, there you go.( applause )

You know what it is,I grew up Catholic.

I used to sit therein the crowd,

you know,listening to the priest.

The priest--they were, like, preaching.

They didn't even soundlike they believed it.

They'd just be up there.

"This is Gospelaccording to Luke.

"All right, I'm not sayingit happened.

"I'm not sayingit didn't happen, all right?

"I'm-I'm just sayingwhat Luke said.

"Now, according to Luke,the dude got out of of the boat,

"he started walkingacross the water.

"I don't know.Sounded crazy to me.

"I don't knowif he was a drinker.

"But, you know,don't get mad at me.

"I'm-I'm just repeatingwhat Luke...

what Luke said."

No, I definitely...I believe in a higher power,

but I think when people justget too into religion,

they get crazy.

Like, I like people,they, like...

they get so intothat they actually, like,

argue, like,what color Jesus is.

You know what I mean?Which is hilarious.

That's, like, one of the mostunholy things

you could ever do, right?

They'll sit there,and they'll be, like,

"You know, Jesus,he's for everybody--

"rich people, poor people.

"He doesn't care.

"He's just...He's just a great spirit.

Ev-Everything's great."

"Oh, yeah? What color is He?"

"He's white.

"He looks like me.

We're the chosen people."

You know? Or...

( applause and cheering )

Some of my, uh...

some of my black friends

tried to convince methat Jesus was black.

You know,He had that nappy hair,

all this stuff, you know.

It's the dumbest thingto argue about.

I really don't give a ( bleep )what color Jesus is.

I just don't want Him to be madat me when He comes back.

That's my deal.I don't care what He is.

When He comes backon that seven-headed horse,

chopping people's heads off,whatever the hell it is,

I just want,when He rides by me,

you know, just give meone of these.

( laughter )

Make me feel goodabout my life, you know?


I've been doing thisfor quite a while now, man.

I got to be honestwith you, man.

I just wantto make a zillion bucks.

You know, go home,stare at the wall, you know?

So, I actually came upwith a scheme, right?

I'm gonna quit doingthis comedy stuff.

I'm gonna write a book on,like, relationships, you know?

My girl's always watchingthat Oprah show.

So I see people love readingabout relationships.

I'm gonna write a book on it.

It's gonna be called Women Are Absolutely Right. Right?

Chapter one's gonna be"Women are ( bleep ).

( laughter )You know?

Chapter two, "If Guys JustListen To Women,

There'll Be No War."Right?

Then, in the back of the book,I'll have, like, a picture of me

in, like, a turtleneck sweater

with, like, the gayest lookever, just like...

( laughter and applause )

You know? So I look likeI really understand women.

And then, a bunch of womenwill go out and buy the book,

and they'll take it home

to their boyfriendor the husband.

"You see that? Look at that.

"A guy wrote this.

You really need to read this."

Meanwhile, I makea zillion dollars, right?

I go out, I buy a big house.

( laughter )I get some whores.

I fly 'em all in,get 'em all tested.

Just start banging away, right?

And then, right in the middleof humping one of them,

you take a picturefor next year's book called

Ha! Ha! You Stupid Bitches.

Then all the guys buy it.

( applause )

Yeah...and they take it home

to their girlfriendor their wife.

"Ah! You see that?

"That's the guyin the turtleneck sweater.

You financed this."

Keep yourselves going.

to ( bleep ) through this.

I hope that's cool.


Bill-Bill should have warnedyou guys, uh,

you might hear a dial tonewhile I'm up here.

If you do hear a dial tone,

it's just 'cause my comedyis off ( bleep ) hook.

What's up, dude?

( applause and cheering )

Like, what's up right now?

'Cause, uh, me...me and my ex-girlfriend--

you know,we used to fight,

when we were going out,all the time.

Like, uh, like one nightwe were going out to dinner,

and, like, I'm not alwaysdressed this nice.

You know what I mean? Like...

I got on the, uh,the suit today, 'cause

I'm on TV right now.

You know what I'm saying?

I am, I'm totallyon TV right now.

( laughter )

Um... but, uh, like,we were going out to dinner,

and I was wearing this, uh,this blue windbreaker

that I look really handsome in.

You know what I mean?Like-like...

Like, this windbreakerreally brings out the nylon

in my eyes,you know what I mean?

But she's, like...she's, like,

"Matt, can you change?"

She goes,"We're going out to dinner.

You're dressedlike a gas station attendant."

I was, like,"Oh, that's funny,

"'cause, uh, I didn't hear youcomplaining last night

when I was topping offthe tank."

( laughter )

Ha, ha. Using the, uh...

the self-service pumpthat night.


( laughter )

It's a masturbation joke.

Why not?

Bill, is there... is thereinsurance on this stage?

'Cause I'm ripping this bitchto pieces, dude. I...

( applause and cheering )

( audience whooping )I...

I can't afford to pay for it.

I, uh...

I went... I went on a datewith this one girl,

and she was wearing a skirt

and a pair of jeansunder the skirt.

It was likeshe was saying to me,

"Hey, Matt, here's two things

you're not gettinginto tonight."

( applause )

I wrote that jokeon a deposit slip,

'cause ( bleep )is money in the bank.

What's up, bitches?

Like, what's up right now,Manhattan?

If that's even your real name.

What's up?

I'm not a...

( applause and cheering )

Whoo! Wow.

This is my demographicright here.

( laughter )

I quit my job.

My boss was gettingon my last nerves.

You know what I mean? Like...

My boss came in my office.

She's, like, "Matt, you know,you don't comb your hair,

you don't shave your face."

She's, like, "You've gota $15 suit." You know?

She's, like,"Can you look any more

like a homeless person?"

And I was, like,"Well, uh, I could, uh...

"I could bum a quarter,you know?

"Um... I could, uh...

"I could smoke a crack rock.


( laughter )

I could take ( bleep )on the break room floor."

I don't think it's gonna helpbusiness out any, dumb-ass.

She's so stupid, man.

She's, like,"Matt, you're so immature."

I was, like,"Yeah, I know that you are,

but what am I?"

( laughter )


I can't even get that jokeon an airplane,

'cause it's the mother ( bleep )bomb.

What's up?

( applause )

What's up right now?

Seriously, for me?

Oh, my God.

Uh, you know, I quit my...I quit my job,

and they f... they...

Right. Remember? From before?

It still makes everybody happy.

But when I quit,like, they freaked out.

I was a file clerkfor, like, six years.

And they're, like,"Matt, you can't leave.

This place depends on you."And all that stuff.

And I was, like,

"This whole place dependson a beer-guzzling jackass

"whose only real goalis to use your Internet services

to find another job?"

( laughs mockingly )

You guys are in more troublethan you think.

( laughter )

I'm just glad you guysbrought the air conditioning,

'cause I broughtthe ( bleep ) heat.

What's up ( bleep )?

Seriously, seriously.

Come on.

Get out of here.

They say money changes people.

And I say,hook that ( bleep ) up.

You know what I mean?

I'm about duefor some alterations, you know?

Like, I don't careif money changes me

into a 300-pound chinchillawith herpes simplex two.

( applause )

My friends ask me if I get a lotof girls because of comedy.

That insinuates I get so manygirls I got to categorize them.

Like, "These girls'cause of comedy.

"I got these 'cause they thoughtI was rich,

and these thoughtI was Harry Potter."

I know, I know.

I am adorable.

I was a waiterbefore I started stand-up.

I worked at a restaurant.

I was a waiter for two years.

They gave us a two-year pin toput on the collar of our shirt,

just in casewe're ever there thinking,

"Hey, how's my life going?"

All we had to do

was look down and realize, "Oh,it's gone nowhere in two years."

Holy baloney, time flies

when you sing 1,300birthday songs in a week.

I found outthey had a 30-year pin.

It was an Applebee's;they had a 30-year pin.

I'm like, "Man, that's got to bea good banquet."

They're like, "We're hereto honor all our Apple-buddies.

"Tommy, who's a waiter... still.

"Also, we'd like to honorJohn Applebee,

"the creator of Applebee's.

"John's a millionaire.

"Tom, if you could,pick up table 24.

We're freakin'... we're busy."

one room,not a lot to be happy about.

The only thing is if you're everin bed with a girl

and she hears a noise,you don't got to get up

in your underwearand check all the extra rooms.

She's, like,"I think I heard something."

I'm like, "Hold on,I'll check it out.

"All clear!

"Green light.

"Do you want me to make surethe door is locked?

We're safe."

I get to do some cool stuff.

I got to ride in a limousinea few weeks ago, which I love.

It's likethe funnest thing ever.

I was a pallbearer at a funeral.

Yeah, it was still a limo,seriously.

Just 'cause he's having a badday doesn't mean I should, too.

I've been a pallbearerseven times-- seven!

You know what I'm talking about.

Always the pallbearer...

( sighs )

It's supposed to be an honorto be a pallbearer-- an honor.

I've never beencarrying a casket thinking,

"This is an honor."

I'm thinking, "This is heavy.

"Are you guyseven lifting back there?

It's like deadweight on my end."

I know.

And then twice, I thought,"I wonder what would happen

if I just dropped himright now."

That'd be funny, you know?

People may not laughimmediately.

That's a time-release joke,I understand.

That takes six or seven monthsto set on your brain.

Then, one day, I'll be gettingsomething out of the fridge.

They'll be like, "Don't dropthat like you did--

"ah, ha, ha-- Uncle David.


I refuse to go to funeralswith my dad,

'cause he takes a pictureat every funeral we go to.

I don't even know who you'd showa funeral picture to.

You're, like, "Hey, did you hearabout David? He passed away."

They're like, "Oh, my God,I don't believe it."

And you're like,"Believe it now? Don't doubt me.

Don't doubt me."

( sighs )My girl-- it's April.

My girlfriend's alreadysaving up Christmas money.

She called me, she's like,"You'll never guess

how much money I've saved up."I go, "How much?"

She goes, "One thousand,twenty-one hundred dollars."

( muttering )

"Well, you're right;I wouldn't have guessed that."

Yeah, really.

When I guess numbers,I don't make them up.

Last Christmaswas kind of weird.

I ended up getting my girlfriendway more than she got me.

Like, she got me a new pair ofshoes, and I got her pregnant.

Imagine. Yeah, that's way morethan shoes.

I go, "Do you even love me?

I'm going all out over here."

Found outat the doctor's office,

and he was tryingto make us feel better.

He goes, "Calm down;at least I didn't say

we have to amputate her leg."

And I go, "Oh, my God, I didn'tknow we could do that instead.

We'll take that one, Doctor."

I got a co-pay;that doesn't matter to me.

I'm not a jerk--that's mean, but I'm not a jerk.

If my girlfriendgot her leg taken off,

I would be there to help herfind another boyfriend.

'Cause I got heart.

We found outshe wasn't pregnant.

The doctor said it's whatthey call a false positive,

which is cool,because, apparently,

I'd only false peed my pantswhen he told us.

I was like, "This feels real,but you are the doctor."

You don't even wantto hear the word "pregnant"

when you have that situation.

We go out to dinner one night,and my girlfriend

didn't feel very well,and she goes,

"Tommy, I kind of feel sick."

And the woman with us goes,"Maybe you're pregnant."

And I go, "Maybe you should shutup and eat your taters, lady!"

That's ridiculous.

Every friend she's gotdoes that.

My friends would never do that.

I could have a girl eightand a half months pregnant.

My friends would be like,"Maybe it's gas."

I'd be like,"I saw the ultrasound.

There's a baby in there."

They'd be like,"Maybe she ate a baby."

You're right, I'm not lookingon the bright side.

Oh, darn.

I went to college to do this--not really.

I finished collegein three years.

A lot of people say

that's hard to do, but allthose people have degrees.

( muttering ):Not me-- I don't have...

They're like,"How'd you finish so quickly?"

And I go, "I just said, 'I'mfinished,' and then, I left."

Like nobody's gonna stop me?

I went to a community college,'cause I'm not very smart.

The hardest thing to doat a community college

is cheat on a test,

because the only peopleyou can cheat off of

also go to a community college.

I was like, "What'd you getfor number three?"

The guy is, like,"True. What'd you get?"

I go, "Finland. Wow.

One of us is goingto get this wrong."

I lost my virginity in college,

which is kind of latefor some people.

The girl was, like,very experienced.

She was a chatterbox, she waswanting me to talk dirty to her.

She goes, "Tommy, tell mewhat you're thinking."

So I smacked her on the butt,and I was like,

"I can't wait to tell my friendsabout this."

I had a little racismthis morning that I think

we should just get outof the way, so we can move on.

Starbucks-- I'm notgonna tell you which one--

but it was on 26th and 7th.

There's four over there.

I'm not gonna tell youwhich one.

But I walked in there,and this little Asian girl

behind the counterlooked up at me and yelled,

"Tall, single,nonfat Americano."


I just want a muffin.

And what makes you thinkI'm single?

I am single.

And let's talk abouta date I had the other day

out in Los Angeles.

I was, like, "Whatever you want,this is your day.

I'm gonna accommodate you."

So first we went hiking.

She wanted to go hiking,and that was fun.

And then after that,she was like,

"You know, let's gorollerblading, biking."

And we did that.

Then after that, she was like,"Let's run along the ocean,

watch the sunset."

We did that.

Then after that, she was like,

"You know, we should go camping,maybe kayaking in the morning."

I was, like, "Wait a second...

Do you have herpes?"

Because I thinkI've seen this commercial.

I don't likethat commercial at all.