Pitta, Henton, Tompkins, Kuller, Stanhope

  • Season 2, Ep 2001
  • 09/06/1998

IT'S NICE TO BEOUT HERE...

PRETTY COOL, COMIN' OUT HERE,DOIN' A LITTLE SHOW, HEH, HEH ?

( audience chuckles )

ALTHOUGH, MOST PEOPLE KNOW MEAS, "THE GOAT GUY".

YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE,TO BE KNOWN AS "THE GOAT GUY" ?

ANYONE ELSE WALKSDOWN THE STREET--

IF NORM MACDONALDWALKED DOWN THE STREET,

PEOPLE WOULD LIKE,"HEY MAN, NORM MACDONALD !"

( in Norm's voice )"HEY, HEY, HOW YA' DOIN' ?

"I'M NOT ON THE NEWS ANYMORE,BUT...WHATEVER..."

I WALK DOWN THE STREET,PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"HEY, MAN, HEY !

( braying like a goat )

THEY FOLLOW ME--"COME ON, MAN, DO IT !( braying )

"YOU GOTTA SEE HIM DO IT,( braying ).

"IT'S SO FUNNY, MAN !

"JUST A LITTLE ONE,( braying )."

"COME ON MAN, DO IT !"

GIRL-- "OH MY GOD,I'M 'THE GOAT GIRL'( girlish braying )."

THE WORST ISHANGING OUT AT BARS...

PEOPLE ARE DRUNK,AND THEY CAN'T DO IT...

"HEY MAN, HEY !( incoherent babbling )"

( applause )

"DO IT !BLE--AHHH BLE--AHHH..."

"JUST A LITTLE BIT...BLE--AH, BLE--AHHH...

( puking )

DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT ?

( applause and cheering )

AW...YOU'RE SWEET TO SAY.

PEOPLE GET SELF-CONSCIOUSABOUT THE WAY THEY LOOK.

BUT HERE'S THE THING TO DO,CHANGE THE PERSPECTIVE.

WHENEVER I FEEL BADABOUT THE WAY I LOOK,

I CONSIDER,THAT ON A DAILY BASIS,

ALL I EAT IS...FRIED MEAT...ABOUT HALF A CASE OF BEER,

AND A CARTONOF CIGARETTES.

SO THEN, I SHOULD LOOKA LOT WORSE.

WHO'S THE HANDSOME GUYIN THE SUIT ALL OF A SUDDEN ?

YEAH...I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE.

EVERYBODY'S CONCERNEDWITH THEIR IMAGE.

I LIKE TO WALK AROUND HOLLYWOODON MELROSE AVENUE-STREET.

WHERE YOU HAVE ALLTHE "ALTERNATIVOS"WANDERING AROUND.

PEOPLE WALKING AROUND WITHTHEIR ALTERNATIVE PETSON THEIR BODY.

SEE A GUY CRUISING ALONG,HE'S GOT A CRAZY...IGUANA !

FURTHER ALONG YOU SEE SOMEONEWITH A "COO-C00 COCKATIEL" !

I THINK THESE PEOPLE WANTSOME KIND OF REACTION.

WHEN YOU SEE THEM,THEY WANT YOU TO DOSOMETHING LIKE,

"PARDON ME, SIR.

"IS THAT A BIRDON YOUR SHOULDER ?

"WELL, YOU MUST BEONE FASCINATING INDIVIDUAL.

"YOUR PERSONALITYIS NOT AT ALL MANUFACTURED.

"I SAY, WHAT IF WE WERE TOEXCHANGE ADDRESSES ANDBECAME PEN-PALS ?

"I COULD COLLECT YOUR LETTERSIN A BOUND VOLUME ENTITLED,

" 'MY CORRESPONDENCEWITH THE MOST INTERESTINGPERSON ALIVE'."

YEAH, I TOPPLETHE MIGHTY.

YOU CAN HAVE A--SKIP IT.

--WHATEVER PET YOU WANT,BECAUSE WE HAVE DOMINIONOVER THE BEASTS.

BUT HERE'S THE THING,

MAYBE EVEN ANIMALSNEED SOME "ALONE TIME".

MAYBE THEY DON'T WANT TOGO WITH YOU EVERYWHEREYOU GOTTA GO.

MAYBE THE BIRD WOULD LIKE TOLOOK IN THE MIRROR ANDPLAY WITH THE BELL.

MAYBE THE LIZARD WOULD LIKE TOSIT ON THE ROCK.

MAYBE THEY DON'T HAVE TO COMEON ALL YOUR JACK-ASS ERRANDS.

"COME ON CESAR,WE'RE GOING TO THE BANK

"SO EVERYBODY CAN SEEHOW CRAZY I AM, WOOO !"

LEAVE HIM ALONE...FOR A MINUTE.

IT'S AN HOUR,THAT'S ALL IT IS.

TWICE A YEAR YOUMAKE THE ADJUSTMENT.

YOU CAN'T GETTHROWN OUT OF WHACK BY THAT.

BUT YOU HEAR PEOPLESAY THING LIKE,

"SORRY I'M ALL SCREWED UP 'CAUSEOF DAYLIGHT'S SAVINGS TIME."

IF YOU FIND YOURSELFSAYING THAT, YOU MIGHT AS WELLJUST SAY,

"I'M NOT GOOD AT TALKING,SO I JUST LET MY MOUTH OPEN UP

"AND LET THINGSFALL OUT OF IT.

" 'CAUSE I'M...DON'T...WITH WORDS."

IT'S AN HOUR !

YOU JUST DIDN'T GET OFFTHE PLANE FROM AUSTRALIA.

"OH, WHAT'S HAPPENING,WHAT'S...WHAT...

"WHAT STRANGE WORLDIS THIS ?

"WHAT DO I...WHAT...IS THIS MILK STILL GOOD... ?

"WHO'S...OH...WHO'S THE PRESIDENT NOW... ?

"IS THAT ANELECTRIC CAR... ?

"DO I HAVE A BIG BUSHY BEARD...WHAT'S... ?"

BUT THERE'S SOMETHINGTHAT HAPPENS ON LOCAL NEWS,

THAT I FIND...DEEPLY DISTURBING.

YOU HAVE YOUR ANCHORMAN,HE OSTENSIBLY "ANCHORS"THE BROADCAST.

YOU ALSO HAVEYOUR WEATHERMAN,

HE'S TRYING TOPREDICT THE WEATHER.

HE'S JUST A GUY, TRYINGTO SUPPORT HIS FAMILY,DO HIS JOB...

SOMETIMES, HE MAKES MISTAKES,AS WE ALL DO !

HE'S A WEATHER MAN,NOT A WEATHER MACHINE.

BUT THE ANCHORMAN...HE FEELS HE HAS EVERY RIGHTTO MOCK THE WEATHERMAN,

ON TELEVISION,

IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE,EVERY TIME THE GUY SLIPS UP.

THE ANCHORMAN'S JUSTWAITING FOR IT TO HAPPEN !

"SAY PHIL, IT SEEMS YOUDROPPED THE BALL THE OTHER DAY.

"TOO BAD IT WASN'T A"SNOWBALL", HA-HA..."

THE WEATHERMAN JUST TAKES IT,JUST LIES DOWN AND TAKES IT.

LIKE A DOG BEING BEATENWITH A HANGER !

IT MAKES ME MAD.

JUST ONCE I WANT HIM TOTURN ON THE ANCHORMAN,

"HOW DARE YOU,YOU IGNORANT IMBECILE !

"YOU SIT BEHIND A DESK,READING THINGS THAT HAVEALREADY HAPPENED,

"I'M TRYING TOPREDICT THE FUTURE !"

BUT I'M SURE IT'LL BEAS GOOD AS JERRY SPRINGERWITHOUT THE FIGHTS.

WE WERE SCREWING AROUNDIN THE GREEN ROOM,

AND WE FOUND A VENT GRATEIN ONE OF THE DRESSING ROOMS,

AND YOU CAN ACTUALLY PULL THE FACE OFF THE VENT

AND GO THROUGHTHE VENTILATION SYSTEM,

AND YOU GET TO ANELECTRICAL DUCT THAT GOESDOWN INTO THE GROUND,

AND AT THE BOTTOMIS A MUDDY SEWER PIPE,

AND IF YOU JIMMY YOUR WAYTHROUGH THE SLUDGEFOR 60 YARDS OR SO,

YOU GET TO A BIG VATOF RAW SEWAGE.

BUT OVER IN THE CORNERBY THE CORPSE,

WE FOUND A PLACE YOU CAN SMOKEIN THIS JOINT.

SO IF YOU'RE INTERESTED,I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CARE OR NOT.

YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN BARS,YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN RESTAURANTS,

IT'S SUCHA WASTE OF A HABIT,

'CAUSE THERE'S NOHIGH TO SMOKING,NO EUPHORIA,

IT'S NOT LIKE DRINKING--NOT THAT DRINKING IS THAT GOOD,

BUT IT HAS BENEFITS:

YOU CAN'T SMOKE SOMBODYPRETTY.

THAT'S SUCH A HUGE LIE,ALCOHOL DOES NOT MAKEUGLY PEOPLE ATTRACTIVE,

IT JUST MAKES IT SO THATYOU CARE LESS THEY'RE UGLY.

"EWW, YOU'RE UGLY AS SIN...

"BUT I'LL BONE YA',GET IN THE CAB."

AS MANY STORIES AS YOU HEARABOUT PEOPLE GETTING DRUNK

AND SLEEPING WITHSOMEONE UGLY,

NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT BEIN' THE UGLY ONE.

I WANNA HEARTHOSE STORIES.

BUT NO ONE EVER COMES INTHE NEXT MORNING AND SAYS:

"DID YOU SEE THE CHICKI NAILED LAST NIGHT ?

"WHAT WAS SHE THINKING,OH MY GOD !

"SHE'S WAY BETTER THAN ME,WHO SLIPPED WHAT IN HER DRINK ?"

YOU'RE BRAGGIN' TO YOUR BUDDIESABOUT THE HOT CHICK YOU BONED,

SHE'S TALKIN' ABOUT YOUIN AN "AA" MEETING SOMEWHERE,

"THAT'S WHEN I KNEWI'D HIT MY BOTTOM."

IT'S SO EASY TO BETHE UGLY ONE IN THIS BUSINESS...

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME...ASK THE BAND.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKEIN THIS BUSINESS.

UGLY IS "IN".

IMAGINE HOW MANY TIMES THESEGUYS HAVE BEEN THE MISTAKE.

YOU GET OFFSTAGE,AND SOME DRUNK CHICK,9 SHOTS OF JAGERMEISTER:

"YOU'RE THE FUNNY GUY,YOU WERE PICKING ON ME'CAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY,

"YOU'RE THE STAR."

YOU'RE THE STAR FORABOUT 15 MINUTES AFTERYOU GET OFFSTAGE.

NEXT MORNING, YOU'RE JUSTA BLOATED ALCOHOLIC,DROOLING ON HER PILLOW.

YOU WAKE HER UP TAKIN' A BIGSCREAMING DUMP IN HER BATHROOM.

YOU LEFT A BITE MARK ON HER ASS,HER BOYFRIEND'S COMIN' HOME--

YOU CAN LOOK LIKELEONARDO DICAPRIO,YOU'RE STILL THE UGLY ONE.

ALL THE MALLS JUST SWOONFOR LEONARDO.

AND I THINK HE'S A GREAT ACTORDON'T GET ME WRONG,

BUT WHERE WASTHE ATTENTION BEFORE ?

DID YOU SEE:"WHAT'S EATING GILBERT GRAPE ?"

WHERE WERE YOU WHENHE WAS PLAYINGTHE GURGLING RUBBER HEAD

WITH SNOT CAKE FROMHIS NOSE TO HIS EAR,"AHHHH..."

YOU WEREN'T JUMPINGON THE BAND WAGON THEN.

WHAT ABOUT"BASKETBALL DIARIES" ?

PLAYS A JUNKIE TURNIN' TRICKSWITH GUYS IN SUBWAY TOILETSFOR SMACK MONEY.

NO ONE WANTED TO WIN"THE DREAM DATE WITH LEONARDO"THEN.

BUT YOU PUT HIM IN A TUXEDOON A SINKING SHIP--

I WANT TO PLAY"TEMPEST".

IT STOLE MY QUARTER !

EVERY DAY FORA YEAR-AND-A-HALF STRAIGHT.

DID YOU EVER STAYWITH SOMEONE YOU HATE'CAUSE THEY LOOK GOOD ?

THE MAGIC'S GONE, YOU GOTNOTHING IN COMMON ANYMORE,

BUT THE THOUGHT OF THEMSLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSEIS JUST FAR TOO EXCRUTIATING,

SO YOU STICK IT OUTA FEW MORE WEEKS.

I HATE THAT I'MTHAT SHALLOW.

I HAD THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND,PERFECT, FLAWLESS PERFECT:

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,SHE'S LOADED,

SHE DOESN'T DRINK OR SMOKEOR DO DRUGS,

SHE'S INTELLIGENTAND AMBITIOUS, SHE RECYCLES,

LOVES LITTLE CHILDREN,SHE'S GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT,

EVERYONE SAYS HOW SHE'SSO FREAKIN' SWEET--

IF YOU EVER FINDTHE PERFECT PERSON,

RUN SO FAST THEY SEE FLAMESSHOOT OUT YOUR ASS.

'CAUSE ALLTHE PERFECT PERSON DOES

IS AMPLIFY YOUR FLAWSA THOUSAND-FOLD.

MAKES YOU LOOK LIKETHAT MUCH MORE OF A DICK.

I USED TO BE A "PARTIER",NOW I'M AN "ALCOHOLIC".

IT'S ALL INWHO'S JUDGING YOU.

FIND SOMEONE WITH AT LEASTAS MANY CHARACTER DEFECTSAS YOU HAVE,

IF YOU WANT TO RETAIN EVENA MODICUM OF SELF-ESTEEM.

A NICE MANIC-DEPRESSIVECRACK WHORE.

YOU COME HOME LATE, YOU FIND HERCUTTIN' HER WRISTS,AND DOIN' YOUR MAILMAN,

CHANCES ARE, SHE'S NOTGONNA BITCH ABOUT YOUSMOKIN' IN THE HOUSE.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN,THANK YOU VERY MUCH.