Pitta, Henton, Tompkins, Kuller, Stanhope

  • Season 20, Ep 2001
  • 09/04/1998

IT'S NICE TO BEOUT HERE...

PRETTY COOL, COMIN' OUT HERE,DOIN' A LITTLE SHOW, HEH, HEH ?

( audience chuckles )

ALTHOUGH, MOST PEOPLE KNOW MEAS, "THE GOAT GUY".

YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE,TO BE KNOWN AS "THE GOAT GUY" ?

ANYONE ELSE WALKSDOWN THE STREET--

IF NORM MACDONALDWALKED DOWN THE STREET,

PEOPLE WOULD LIKE,"HEY MAN, NORM MACDONALD !"

( in Norm's voice )"HEY, HEY, HOW YA' DOIN' ?

"I'M NOT ON THE NEWS ANYMORE,BUT...WHATEVER..."

I WALK DOWN THE STREET,PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"HEY, MAN, HEY !

( braying like a goat )

THEY FOLLOW ME--"COME ON, MAN, DO IT !( braying )

"YOU GOTTA SEE HIM DO IT,( braying ).

"IT'S SO FUNNY, MAN !

"JUST A LITTLE ONE,( braying )."

"COME ON MAN, DO IT !"

GIRL-- "OH MY GOD,I'M 'THE GOAT GIRL'( girlish braying )."

THE WORST ISHANGING OUT AT BARS...

PEOPLE ARE DRUNK,AND THEY CAN'T DO IT...

"HEY MAN, HEY !( incoherent babbling )"

( applause )

"DO IT !BLE--AHHH BLE--AHHH..."

"JUST A LITTLE BIT...BLE--AH, BLE--AHHH...

( puking )

YOU ARE HERE ONA SPECIAL NIGHT, FOR ME,

BECAUSE-- I'M NOT LYIN'--THIS IS MY ANNIVERSARY,

OF WHEN I STARTED COMEDY,IN SAN FRANCISCO, BACK IN 1981 !

AND...THIS IS WHERE PEOPLEUSUALLY APPLAUD...

( applause )

I'D LIKE TO COMMEMORATEMY ANNIVERSARY TONIGHT,

AND I WAS THINKING ABOUTHOW ROCK STARS ALWAYS DOTHEIR GREATEST HITS.

SPRINGSTEEN WOULD DO"BORN TO RUN",

AND AEROSMITHDOES "DREAM ON".

COMEDIANS AREN'T ALLOWED TODO THEIR GREATEST JOKES,

BECAUSE YOUHAVE TO BE TOPICAL.

BUT I'M GONNA TRY IT,I'M GONNA TRANSFORMTHIS STAGE BACK TO 1981.

I NEED YOU TO PUT YOUR MINDSBACK IN 1981-'82.

THINK ABOUT WHATYOU WERE WEARING,WHAT YOU WERE DOING...

YOU WERE LEARNINGHOW TO WAVE "BYE-BYE"...

KIND OF A YOUNG CROWD.

YOU'RE GONNA GOBACK TO 1981, WITH ME,

AND I'M GONNA DO MY SETFROM BACK THEN...

THINK OF "PAC-MAN",THINK OF "WHERE'S THE BEEF"...

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,GOOD TO BE HERE,WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW,

WE'VE GOT LEN PARDOE ANDJIMMY CELESTE COMIN' OUT HERE.

LET'S TALK ABOUTOUR PRESIDENT FOR A MINUTE,

RONALD REAGAN, OKAY ?

IT CAME OUT THAT HELIKES JELLY BEANS,

WELL, THATCOSTS US MONEY.

NO MATTER WHO'S PRESIDENT,IT COSTS US MONEY,WHATEVER THEY LIKE.

CARTER LIKED PEANUTS,THE PRICE OF PEANUTS WENT UP.

WHEN KENNEDYWAS PRESIDENT,

YOU COULDN'T GET A HOOKER FOR UNDER $75 DOLLARS.

REMEMBER THE PREMISE,OKAY.

A LOT OF PROBLEMSIN THIS COUNTRY--

COCAINE, AM I SAYING THAT RIGHT,"COKE--CAIN" ?

THIS IS A DRUG,APPARENTLY IT'S EXPENSIVE,

BUT THE THING IS TO OFFER ITTO YOUR FRIENDS FOR NOTHING.

EVERY PARTY I GO TOIT'S LIKE,

"HEY MAN, I GOT SOME COKE,LET'S GO IN THE BACK.

JUST ONCE, I WANNA GO TO A PARTYAND HAVE SOME GUY SAY,

"HEY MAN, I GOT SOME GASOLINE,LET'S PUT IT IN YOUR CAR."

( applause )

'CAUSE WHAT IS GAS NOW,73 CENTS A GALLON ?

WHAT A RIP-OFF !

I DID TRY MARIJUANAIN JR. HIGH SCHOOL.

MY SCHOOL WAS INTO THAT DRUG,THEY HAD "ZIG-ZAG" PAPER DRIVES.

THE MOST COMMMONLY USED WORDWHEN SMOKING MARIJUANAIS THE WORD "EAR".

( toke ) "EAR" !

( laughs & applause )

I KNEW THAT WOULD WORK--

SAW A MOVIE, TODAY, "ET",IT CAME OUT TODAY,

ACTUALLY THERE WERETWO SCREENS,

IT WAS ONE BUILDING BUTTWO SEPARATE SCREENS,

TWO DIFFERENT MOVIES...WEIRD.

I FELT MANIPULATED,'CAUSE THE DIRECTOR MAKESGROWN MEN CRY, OVER WHAT ?

THIS LITTLE PIECEOF RUBBER.

ALTHOUGH I KNOW GUYS HAVE CRIEDOVER A LITTLE PIECE OF RUBBER...BEFORE...

BY THE WAY,YOU HAVE TO WEAR CONDOMS,

YOU DO NOT WANT TO GETTHAT HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE DISEASE,

HERPES... WOW !

MAN !

IT'S NOT GONNA GETANY WORSE THAN THAT, WOOO !

I NAMED MY DOG HERPESBECAUSE HE WOULDN'T HEEL.

( audience groans )

I THINK LEONARDO DICAPRIO--WHICH IS A HARD NAME TO SAY

YOUR MOUTHKEEPS MOVING--

LE-O-NAR-DO-DE-CA-PRIO...

I THOUGHT HE WAS TOO YOUNGFOR KATE WINSLET.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO BETHIS WORLDLY TRAVELER--

GIVE HIM A GUITAR,HE'S IN "HANSEN".

( cheers and applause )

SO...THERE'S THE SCENEWHERE HE'S DRAWING HER,AND SHE'S NUDE,

AND IT'S,OOOOH, VERY ROMANTIC...

HE LOOKED TOO YOUNGEVEN WHEN HE WAS DRAWING HER.

I THINK THEY CUT THE SCENE OUTWHEN SHE LEAVES AND HE GOES,

"LOOK WHAT I MADE,NAKED PICTURES !

"LOOK AT THAT...NAKED...I'M GONNA KEEP THIS !"

SOME WOMEN HATE THAT, BECAUSEWOMEN CRY DURING THAT MOVIE,

AND GUYS WILL NEVERCRY AT A MOVIE.

EVEN IN THE SCENEWHERE THEY'RE FLOATING...

( voice cracking )AND SHE'S HOLDING HIM...

AND HE'S...

HE SAYS TO HER,"LET GO"...

AND THEY'RE FLOATINGAND THE RESCUE...SHIPS COME,

AND SHE'S STILL HOLDING ON,AND SHE HAS TO LET GO,

AND I THOUGHT SHE SHOULDAUSED HIM TO FLOAT,

BECAUSE HE'S STIFF !

THEY COULDAHELD ON...

I DID CRY AT ONE MOVIE,"DEVIL'S ADVOCATE",

'CAUSE I CAN'T BELIEVEKEANU REEVES RUINED THAT MOVIE !

( cheers and applause )

SEE, I'M A BIGPACINO FAN,

( in Pacino's voice )"VANITY... MY FAVORITE SIN."

I LOVE HOW HE TALKS.

DOESN'T AL PACINOSCREAM ALL HIS LINES,SINCE "DICK TRACY" ON ?

( as Pacino )"I WANT TRACY DEAD,I WANT HIM DEAD !"

AND IN "SCENT OF A WOMAN",HE'D GO, "HOO-HA, HOO-HA !"

AND IN "GODFATHER III",YOU HAD LIKE,

"THIS IS NOTWHAT I WANTED !"

MY FAVORITE IS "HEAT"WITH HIM AND DeNIRO,

THEY HAVE THIS VERYQUIET SCENE OVER COFFEE.

PACINO GOES BACKTO THE POLICE STATION,THE POLICE SAY,

"OOH, WE LOST HIM, WE DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS."

AND HE HAS A VERY SIMPLE LINE,BUT HE DELIVERS IT LIKE THIS:

"I WAS JUST...HAVING...COFFEE...WITH McCULLOUGH,

"A HALF-AN-HOUR AGO !"

THAT'S WHEN YOU REALIZEIT WASN'T DECAF.

( as Pacino )OH YEAH, OH YEAH,THIS IS A GOOD CROWD,

YOU GUYS ARE SO GOOD.

BEFORE I GO, I'M GONNAPLAY A PRACTICAL JOKE,

I READ THAT EVERY 8 SECONDS,SOMEONE JOINS A TV SHOWALREADY IN PROGRESS,

SO SOMEONE IS GONNA JOINTHIS SHOW, RIGHT NOW,IN PROGRESS.

SO LET'S PLAYA JOKE ON THEM.

I'M GONNA TELLTHE END OF A JOKE,

IT'S NOT GONNAMAKE ANY SENSE,

BUT YOU LAUGH LIKE IT'STHE FUNNIEST THINGYOU'VE EVER HEARD.

IN FACT, A STANDING OVATIONWOULD LOOK REALLY GOOD.

SO I'M GONNA TELLTHE END OF A JOKE,

GIVE ME A GREAT APPLAUSE,AND STAND UP,

THEN WE'LLPLAY THE JOKE...

OKAY, 5, 6, 7, 8--

... SO THEN I SAID TO HER,"YEAH, BUT LAST TIME,

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE CRACKERS IN YOUR MOUTH."

( cheering and applause )

THANK YOU,GOOD NIGHT !

EVERYBODY SUING EVERYBODY,

STUFF THAT MAKES NO SENSE,

SOMEBODY TRIED TO SUEOPRAH WINFREY,

FOR A SHOW THAT SHE DID.

MADE NO SENSE.

SHE HAD A SHOW ABOUTTHE BEEF INDUSTRY.

CATTLEMEN TRYING TO SUE HER.

SHE HAD A SHOW,A GUY CAME ON,

WAS DESCRIBING HOWTHE MAD COW DESEASE

GOT STARTEDOVER IN LONDON.

HE SAID THAT COWS WOULD DIE NATURALLY,

FEED THEM TO THE OTHER CATTLE

THAT'S HOWIT SPREAD,

SAID THIS COULD HAPPEN,IN OUR COUNTRY.

OPRAH GOT SCARED,

SHE SAID, " WELL THAT JUSTSTOPPED ME COLD,

I'LL NEVER EAT ANOTHER BURGER AGAIN."

WELL, RIGHT OFF THE BAT, YOU KNOW OPRAH WAS LYING.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY IT, BUT YOU KNEW SHE WAS LYING,

YOU KNOW SHE WOULD GO HAVEANOTHER BURGER, YOU KNOW.

AND SHE'S SUPOSED TO, SHE AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE SKINNY,

SHE'S BIG-BONED.

YOU EAT AS MUCH AS YOU NEED TO, OPRAH,

YOU GOT ALL THE MONEY,DON'T NOBODY CARE,

I'LL MARRY YOU, GIVE ME THAT MONEY.

LOVE OPRAH...

ONE TIME, OPRAH HAD JANET JACKSON ON.

AND SHE ASKED JANET,

"YOU HAD TOLD ME SOMETHING

"THAT DEVASTATED YOU WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER

"I WAS WONDERINGIF YOU WANTED TO SHARE IT."

AND JANET CAME OUT THEREAND SHE SAID,

WELL OPRAH, "ONE DAY I WASAT THE CHALKBOARD IN CLASS,

"I HAD TO FIGURE OUT A PROBLEM,

"AND I WAS THINKING,AND I COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT,

"AND I JUST COULDN'TCOME UP WITH THE ANSWER.

"THE TEACHER CAME FROM BEHIND ME AND SAID,

" 'COME ON JANET, ANYBODY CAN DO THIS '.

"AND WHEN HE SAID THAT,I WAS DEVASTATED !"

I'M LIKE, WHAT,THAT'S ALL IT WAS ?!

IT COULDN'T BE THE FACTTHAT YOUR FATHER JOE

BEEN WOOPING EVERYBODYIN THE FAMILY'S ASS,FOR 30 YEARS.

THAT WOULDN'TDEVASTATE YOU, HUH ?

OR THE FACT THATYOUR BROTHER MICHAEL IS WHITE ?

THAT MIGHT THROW MEA LITTLE BIT.

EVERYBODY GETTING SUED.

TRYING TO SUE THE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES.

USED TO CALL HIM,"SLICK WILLIE"

HE AIN'T SO SLICK NO MORE,'CAUSE THEY JUST COMIN'OUT THE WOODWORK,

FLIGHT ATTENDANTS,EVERYBODY...

BUT HE ALWAYS GET THEMUGLY WOMEN.

AIN'T NONE OF THEMLOOKING GOOD.

I GUESS HE FIGURED, THEY SO UGLYTHEY JUST HAPPY TO GET SOME.

PAULA JONES UGLY, JUST NOSE,EXTRA MEAT HANGING DOWN.

AND HER NOSE BEEN GROWINGTHE WHOLE TIME.

WATCH IT ATTHE BEGINING OF THE TRIAL,BIG NOSE.

THEN THEY ASK YOU QUESTIONSABOUT THE PRESIDENTIAL...THE FIRST "THING".

I DON'T WANNA KNOWWHAT THE FIRST THING LOOK LIKE,AIN'T NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

LONG AS THE ECONOMYIS RUNNING SMOOTH,

I FIGURE WE'RE ABOUT3 INTERNS AWAYFROM A BALANCED BUDGET.

KEEP THE FLOW, LET IT GO.

SITTING UP THERE TAKINGDEPOSITIONS...

HE NEED HIM A GOOD LAWYER,TO GET HIM BEHINDALL THIS STUFF--

JOHNNIE COCHRAN.

'CAUSE "J.C." CAN COME IN THEREAND BUST SOME RHYMES.

IF YOU DON'T KNOWWHICH WAY IT HANG,

YOU GOT THE WRONG THANG !

IF SHE LEFT OUT OF THERETHAT QUICK,

SHE COULDN'T HAVE SEENANYTHING RELEVANT TOTHE WHITEWATER INVESTIGATION.

I KNOW THAT DON'T RHYME WITH"QUICK", I KNOW "DICK" RHYMES,

THE CENSORS SAIDI COULDN'T SAY "DICK",

I SAID IT TWICE NOW, HAAA !

THEN MONICA LEWINSKICOMES IN NEXT, AND SHE TALKS.

THEY TALKIN' ABOUTIT'S OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.

OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE ?

LOOK AT HER,BIG BOOGA-BEAR GIRL !

EVERYBODY IN HERE MADE LOVETO SOMEBODY,

FIRST THING THEY SAY IS,"HEY, DON'T TELL NOBODYABOUT THIS."

NO OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE,JUST COMMON SENSE.

LEONARDO TRIED TO GET THE GIRLUP ON THAT PIECE OF BOARD,

HE CAN'T GET ON, HE FALLS OFF,AND PUTS HER ON THE BOARD.

HE JUST SITS THEREAND FLOATS IN THE WATER.

( stuttering from cold)"I-I L-LOVE YOU..."

I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE,"B-B-BITCH, IT'S YOUR TURN,

"TO-TO GET IN THISC-COLD-ASS WATER,I'M F-FREEZING... !

"I-I-I JUST MET YOU 2 DAYS AGO,I DON'T LOVE YOU, LIKE THAT.

"FIND YOU'RE OWNPIECE OF BOARD."

I REMEMBER LAST YEAR,I WAS LAYING ON MY COUCH,

A NICE SUNDAY AFTERNOON

FLIPPING THROUGH THE STATIONS,AND I SEE GOLF TOURNAMENT ON.

I AIN'T SUPPOSED TOBE WATCHING NO GOLF,BUT I SAW A BROTHER,

IN A TOURNAMENT CALLED"THE MASTERS",

IN AUGUSTA, GEORGIA,WITH A WHITE CADDY,

AND HE WAS WINNING, I'M LIKE,"MARTIN LUTHER,WE HAVE OVERCOME, THIS IS IT."

I THOUGHT IT WAS A BROTHERI WAS ALL HAPPY FOR HIM,

THEY SAID, "WELL TIGER,YOU'RE THE FIRST AFRICAN--"

HE SAYS, "AH-AH-AH-AH !

"FIRST OF ALL,I'M NOT AFRICAN-AMERICAN,

"I'M 2/3 THIS, 1/4 OF THAT,A FIFTH OF IRISH--"

HOW MANY PEOPLE WASHAVING SEX THAT NIGHT, TIGER ?

EVERYBODY IN THIS COUNTRY KNOWIF YOU LOOK BLACK, YOU'RE BLACK.

EXCEPT FOR TIGER.

I GOT A LITTLE TIPFOR YOU, TIGER.

SAY YOU'RE DRIVINGDOWN THE HIGHWAY AT NIGHTAND YOU'RE SPEEDING--

AND THE OFFICERPULL YOU OVER AND SAY,"GET OUT OF THE CAR, N-- !"

YOU MIGHT WANT TOGET OUT THAT CAR, TIGER,

JUST IN CASE THE OFFICER'SNOT GOOD WITH FRACTIONS.

MAYBE HE MESSED THAT UPON THE POLICE EXAM.

DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT ?

( applause and cheering )

AW...YOU'RE SWEET TO SAY.

PEOPLE GET SELF-CONSCIOUSABOUT THE WAY THEY LOOK.

BUT HERE'S THE THING TO DO,CHANGE THE PERSPECTIVE.

WHENEVER I FEEL BADABOUT THE WAY I LOOK,

I CONSIDER,THAT ON A DAILY BASIS,

ALL I EAT IS...FRIED MEAT...ABOUT HALF A CASE OF BEER,

AND A CARTONOF CIGARETTES.

SO THEN, I SHOULD LOOKA LOT WORSE.

WHO'S THE HANDSOME GUYIN THE SUIT ALL OF A SUDDEN ?

YEAH...I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE.

EVERYBODY'S CONCERNEDWITH THEIR IMAGE.

I LIKE TO WALK AROUND HOLLYWOODON MELROSE AVENUE-STREET.

WHERE YOU HAVE ALLTHE "ALTERNATIVOS"WANDERING AROUND.

PEOPLE WALKING AROUND WITHTHEIR ALTERNATIVE PETSON THEIR BODY.

SEE A GUY CRUISING ALONG,HE'S GOT A CRAZY...IGUANA !

FURTHER ALONG YOU SEE SOMEONEWITH A "COO-C00 COCKATIEL" !

I THINK THESE PEOPLE WANTSOME KIND OF REACTION.

WHEN YOU SEE THEM,THEY WANT YOU TO DOSOMETHING LIKE,

"PARDON ME, SIR.

"IS THAT A BIRDON YOUR SHOULDER ?

"WELL, YOU MUST BEONE FASCINATING INDIVIDUAL.

"YOUR PERSONALITYIS NOT AT ALL MANUFACTURED.

"I SAY, WHAT IF WE WERE TOEXCHANGE ADDRESSES ANDBECAME PEN-PALS ?

"I COULD COLLECT YOUR LETTERSIN A BOUND VOLUME ENTITLED,

" 'MY CORRESPONDENCEWITH THE MOST INTERESTINGPERSON ALIVE'."

YEAH, I TOPPLETHE MIGHTY.

YOU CAN HAVE A--SKIP IT.

--WHATEVER PET YOU WANT,BECAUSE WE HAVE DOMINIONOVER THE BEASTS.

BUT HERE'S THE THING,

MAYBE EVEN ANIMALSNEED SOME "ALONE TIME".

MAYBE THEY DON'T WANT TOGO WITH YOU EVERYWHEREYOU GOTTA GO.

MAYBE THE BIRD WOULD LIKE TOLOOK IN THE MIRROR ANDPLAY WITH THE BELL.

MAYBE THE LIZARD WOULD LIKE TOSIT ON THE ROCK.

MAYBE THEY DON'T HAVE TO COMEON ALL YOUR JACK-ASS ERRANDS.

"COME ON CESAR,WE'RE GOING TO THE BANK

"SO EVERYBODY CAN SEEHOW CRAZY I AM, WOOO !"

LEAVE HIM ALONE...FOR A MINUTE.

IT'S AN HOUR,THAT'S ALL IT IS.

TWICE A YEAR YOUMAKE THE ADJUSTMENT.

YOU CAN'T GETTHROWN OUT OF WHACK BY THAT.

BUT YOU HEAR PEOPLESAY THING LIKE,

"SORRY I'M ALL SCREWED UP 'CAUSEOF DAYLIGHT'S SAVINGS TIME."

IF YOU FIND YOURSELFSAYING THAT, YOU MIGHT AS WELLJUST SAY,

"I'M NOT GOOD AT TALKING,SO I JUST LET MY MOUTH OPEN UP

"AND LET THINGSFALL OUT OF IT.

" 'CAUSE I'M...DON'T...WITH WORDS."

IT'S AN HOUR !

YOU JUST DIDN'T GET OFFTHE PLANE FROM AUSTRALIA.

"OH, WHAT'S HAPPENING,WHAT'S...WHAT...

"WHAT STRANGE WORLDIS THIS ?

"WHAT DO I...WHAT...IS THIS MILK STILL GOOD... ?

"WHO'S...OH...WHO'S THE PRESIDENT NOW... ?

"IS THAT ANELECTRIC CAR... ?

"DO I HAVE A BIG BUSHY BEARD...WHAT'S... ?"

BUT THERE'S SOMETHINGTHAT HAPPENS ON LOCAL NEWS,

THAT I FIND...DEEPLY DISTURBING.

YOU HAVE YOUR ANCHORMAN,HE OSTENSIBLY "ANCHORS"THE BROADCAST.

YOU ALSO HAVEYOUR WEATHERMAN,

HE'S TRYING TOPREDICT THE WEATHER.

HE'S JUST A GUY, TRYINGTO SUPPORT HIS FAMILY,DO HIS JOB...

SOMETIMES, HE MAKES MISTAKES,AS WE ALL DO !

HE'S A WEATHER MAN,NOT A WEATHER MACHINE.

BUT THE ANCHORMAN...HE FEELS HE HAS EVERY RIGHTTO MOCK THE WEATHERMAN,

ON TELEVISION,

IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE,EVERY TIME THE GUY SLIPS UP.

THE ANCHORMAN'S JUSTWAITING FOR IT TO HAPPEN !

"SAY PHIL, IT SEEMS YOUDROPPED THE BALL THE OTHER DAY.

"TOO BAD IT WASN'T A"SNOWBALL", HA-HA..."

THE WEATHERMAN JUST TAKES IT,JUST LIES DOWN AND TAKES IT.

LIKE A DOG BEING BEATENWITH A HANGER !

IT MAKES ME MAD.

JUST ONCE I WANT HIM TOTURN ON THE ANCHORMAN,

"HOW DARE YOU,YOU IGNORANT IMBECILE !

"YOU SIT BEHIND A DESK,READING THINGS THAT HAVEALREADY HAPPENED,

"I'M TRYING TOPREDICT THE FUTURE !"

LIKE MOST COMEDIANS,

I'M STILL GETTING OVERA PAINFUL BREAK-UPWITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

( audience )AWWW...

SHE WAS A "BLACKJACK" DEALERIN VEGAS, AND SHE SAID,

"I'M DONE YOU'LL BEDATING SOMEONE ELSE NOW."

"GOOD LUCK."

THIS IS HOW SHE TRIED TOSOFTEN THE BLOW OF THE BREAK-UP.

"I'M REALLY SORRY JASON,BECAUSE OBJECTIVELY,

"YOU'RE EVERYTHING I WANTIN A MAN."

"OBJECTIVELY"...SHE JUST DIDN'T LIKE ME"SUBJECTIVELY".

THAT'S LIKE COMING UP TO MEAFTER THE SHOW,

"HEY, OBJECTIVELY,YOU'RE A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN,

"YOU JUST DIDN'TMAKE ME LAUGH."

I'VE YET TO GO TOA JOB INTERVIEWAND THE EMPLOYER SAYS,

"MR. KULLER,WE HAVE YOUR RESUME,AND YOU'RE OUR IDEAL APPLICANT.

"WE WANT TO HIRE SOMEONEWITH YOUR EXACT EDUCATIONAND EXPERIENCE,

"WE JUST DON'T WANT TO HIRE YOU PERSONALLY.

THIS WE LOVE,

BUT WE HAVE TO DRAW THE LINEAT YOU, IN THE FLESH.

SORRY...

THAT'S MY PROBLEM,I LOOK REAL GOOD ON PAPER,

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINKI LOOK LIKE ALEC BALDWIN.

( cheering )

YOU THINK--

LOT OF PEOPLE THINKI LOOK LIKE ALEC BALDWIN.

( cheering and applause )

THEY DON'T ACTUALLYTELL ME THAT,

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE,THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE THINKING.

IT'S NOT GOOD WHENYOUR GIRLFRIEND'S FAVORITEPOSITION IN BED

IS THE FOETAL POSITION.

I WISH I WEREMAKING THAT UP.

I HAD A BIG BREAK-THROUGHIN MY SEX LIFE,

THOUGHT I SHARE IT WITHA BUNCH OF STRANGERS.

FOUND OUT WHY I'M NOTGETTING LAID ANYMORE.

FEEL FREE TO DEVELOPYOU'RE OWN THEORIES...

BUT, I THINK I KNOW WHY I'M NOTGETTING ANY OF THE CHICKS.

APPARENTLY, IT'S BECAUSEI USE EXPRESSIONS LIKE,

"GETTING LAID"...

AND "CHICKS".

THAT DOES NOT SEEM TOFLY WITH THE "BABES".

THE "FOXY LADIES".

ONE WOMAN SAID,THE REASON I'M NOTGETTING LAID IS,

I RELY TOO MUCHON THE "AIR QUOTES".

THAT APPARENTLY,IS A BIG TURN-OFF.

ESPECIALLY IN THE BEDROOM,YOU DON'T WANNA BE...

MY "PENIS", SO CALLED.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT GETTINGPENILE-ENLARGEMENT SURGERY.

BUT THE SURGERY IS DANGEROUS,AND IT'S REALLY EXPENSIVE.

BUT I FOUND THIS GREATSAFE ALTERNATIVE:

THE METRIC SYSTEM.

( cheering and applause )

YES !

I AM HUGEIN CENTIMETERS !

26 CENTIMETERS !

YOU,WITH YOUR INCHES...

MY LAST GIRLFRIEND WANTED METO TALK DIRTY IN BED.

AND, I'M NO "WILD MAN"IN THE SACK,

DON'T LET THE GLASSESAND THE HIP THREADS FOOL YA'.

I HAD A HARD TIME WITHTHE DEGRADING, PROFANE LANGUAGE

'CAUSE I WAS RAISED,THE PROVERBIAL,"NICE JEWISH BOY".

SO, THIS IS HOW I WOULDTALK DIRTY TO HER:

"YOU REALLY LIKE MYSHMECKLE, DON'T YOU ?

"I AM GOING TO SHTOOP YOUSO HARD !

"DON'T MAKE ME STICK ITYOUR TUSHIE."

I AM THE TUSHMASTER !

MY NICKNAMEIN THE BEDROOM.

SO, TO GET MORE MACHO,I'VE BEEN TAKIN'ISRAELI MARTIAL ARTS.

THEY TEACH IT IN L.A.IT CALLED "KRAV MAGA".

AND THEIR SLOGAN IS:"WE PUT THE 'JEW' IN JUJITSU."

HERE'S SOMETHING YOU CANTAKE WITH YOU IF YOU'REIN A DANGEROUS NEIGHBORHOOD.

GET YOUR KEYS OUT,"ON THE READY",AS WE LIKE TO SAY IN KRAV MAGA,

THAT'S A TECHNICAL TERM.

AND IF THATDOESN'T SCARE 'EM...

NO REASON WHYIT SHOULDN'T...

THEN COME OUTAND TRY THIS MOVE:

"TAKE THE CAR,JUST DON'T HURT ME."

A LOT OF HIP AND SHOULDER,NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS.

ADVANCED KRAV MAGA,DON'T TRY THIS WITHOUT PRACTICE.

"TAKE THE WALLET ALSO."

ONE, TWO, ZIP, ZIP.

BUT I'M SURE IT'LL BEAS GOOD AS JERRY SPRINGERWITHOUT THE FIGHTS.

WE WERE SCREWING AROUNDIN THE GREEN ROOM,

AND WE FOUND A VENT GRATEIN ONE OF THE DRESSING ROOMS,

AND YOU CAN ACTUALLY PULL THE FACE OFF THE VENT

AND GO THROUGHTHE VENTILATION SYSTEM,

AND YOU GET TO ANELECTRICAL DUCT THAT GOESDOWN INTO THE GROUND,

AND AT THE BOTTOMIS A MUDDY SEWER PIPE,

AND IF YOU JIMMY YOUR WAYTHROUGH THE SLUDGEFOR 60 YARDS OR SO,

YOU GET TO A BIG VATOF RAW SEWAGE.

BUT OVER IN THE CORNERBY THE CORPSE,

WE FOUND A PLACE YOU CAN SMOKEIN THIS JOINT.

SO IF YOU'RE INTERESTED,I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CARE OR NOT.

YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN BARS,YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN RESTAURANTS,

IT'S SUCHA WASTE OF A HABIT,

'CAUSE THERE'S NOHIGH TO SMOKING,NO EUPHORIA,

IT'S NOT LIKE DRINKING--NOT THAT DRINKING IS THAT GOOD,

BUT IT HAS BENEFITS:

YOU CAN'T SMOKE SOMBODYPRETTY.

THAT'S SUCH A HUGE LIE,ALCOHOL DOES NOT MAKEUGLY PEOPLE ATTRACTIVE,

IT JUST MAKES IT SO THATYOU CARE LESS THEY'RE UGLY.

"EWW, YOU'RE UGLY AS SIN...

"BUT I'LL BONE YA',GET IN THE CAB."

AS MANY STORIES AS YOU HEARABOUT PEOPLE GETTING DRUNK

AND SLEEPING WITHSOMEONE UGLY,

NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT BEIN' THE UGLY ONE.

I WANNA HEARTHOSE STORIES.

BUT NO ONE EVER COMES INTHE NEXT MORNING AND SAYS:

"DID YOU SEE THE CHICKI NAILED LAST NIGHT ?

"WHAT WAS SHE THINKING,OH MY GOD !

"SHE'S WAY BETTER THAN ME,WHO SLIPPED WHAT IN HER DRINK ?"

YOU'RE BRAGGIN' TO YOUR BUDDIESABOUT THE HOT CHICK YOU BONED,

SHE'S TALKIN' ABOUT YOUIN AN "AA" MEETING SOMEWHERE,

"THAT'S WHEN I KNEWI'D HIT MY BOTTOM."

IT'S SO EASY TO BETHE UGLY ONE IN THIS BUSINESS...

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME...ASK THE BAND.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKEIN THIS BUSINESS.

UGLY IS "IN".

IMAGINE HOW MANY TIMES THESEGUYS HAVE BEEN THE MISTAKE.

YOU GET OFFSTAGE,AND SOME DRUNK CHICK,9 SHOTS OF JAGERMEISTER:

"YOU'RE THE FUNNY GUY,YOU WERE PICKING ON ME'CAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY,

"YOU'RE THE STAR."

YOU'RE THE STAR FORABOUT 15 MINUTES AFTERYOU GET OFFSTAGE.

NEXT MORNING, YOU'RE JUSTA BLOATED ALCOHOLIC,DROOLING ON HER PILLOW.

YOU WAKE HER UP TAKIN' A BIGSCREAMING DUMP IN HER BATHROOM.

YOU LEFT A BITE MARK ON HER ASS,HER BOYFRIEND'S COMIN' HOME--

YOU CAN LOOK LIKELEONARDO DICAPRIO,YOU'RE STILL THE UGLY ONE.

ALL THE MALLS JUST SWOONFOR LEONARDO.

AND I THINK HE'S A GREAT ACTORDON'T GET ME WRONG,

BUT WHERE WASTHE ATTENTION BEFORE ?

DID YOU SEE:"WHAT'S EATING GILBERT GRAPE ?"

WHERE WERE YOU WHENHE WAS PLAYINGTHE GURGLING RUBBER HEAD

WITH SNOT CAKE FROMHIS NOSE TO HIS EAR,"AHHHH..."

YOU WEREN'T JUMPINGON THE BAND WAGON THEN.

WHAT ABOUT"BASKETBALL DIARIES" ?

PLAYS A JUNKIE TURNIN' TRICKSWITH GUYS IN SUBWAY TOILETSFOR SMACK MONEY.

NO ONE WANTED TO WIN"THE DREAM DATE WITH LEONARDO"THEN.

BUT YOU PUT HIM IN A TUXEDOON A SINKING SHIP--

I WANT TO PLAY"TEMPEST".

IT STOLE MY QUARTER !

EVERY DAY FORA YEAR-AND-A-HALF STRAIGHT.

DID YOU EVER STAYWITH SOMEONE YOU HATE'CAUSE THEY LOOK GOOD ?

THE MAGIC'S GONE, YOU GOTNOTHING IN COMMON ANYMORE,

BUT THE THOUGHT OF THEMSLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSEIS JUST FAR TOO EXCRUTIATING,

SO YOU STICK IT OUTA FEW MORE WEEKS.

I HATE THAT I'MTHAT SHALLOW.

I HAD THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND,PERFECT, FLAWLESS PERFECT:

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,SHE'S LOADED,

SHE DOESN'T DRINK OR SMOKEOR DO DRUGS,

SHE'S INTELLIGENTAND AMBITIOUS, SHE RECYCLES,

LOVES LITTLE CHILDREN,SHE'S GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT,

EVERYONE SAYS HOW SHE'SSO FREAKIN' SWEET--

IF YOU EVER FINDTHE PERFECT PERSON,

RUN SO FAST THEY SEE FLAMESSHOOT OUT YOUR ASS.

'CAUSE ALLTHE PERFECT PERSON DOES

IS AMPLIFY YOUR FLAWSA THOUSAND-FOLD.

MAKES YOU LOOK LIKETHAT MUCH MORE OF A DICK.

I USED TO BE A "PARTIER",NOW I'M AN "ALCOHOLIC".

IT'S ALL INWHO'S JUDGING YOU.

FIND SOMEONE WITH AT LEASTAS MANY CHARACTER DEFECTSAS YOU HAVE,

IF YOU WANT TO RETAIN EVENA MODICUM OF SELF-ESTEEM.

A NICE MANIC-DEPRESSIVECRACK WHORE.

YOU COME HOME LATE, YOU FIND HERCUTTIN' HER WRISTS,AND DOIN' YOUR MAILMAN,

CHANCES ARE, SHE'S NOTGONNA BITCH ABOUT YOUSMOKIN' IN THE HOUSE.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN,THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHAT IF YOU CAN'T TURNTO THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU,

MAYBE YOUR SPECIAL PERSON,AND SAY,

"HONEY,YOU REALLY TURN ME ON."

YOU CAN'T SAY IT BECAUSEYOU DON'T FEEL IT, OK ?

AND THAT'SA STRANGE PREDICAMENT,ISN'T IT ?

IT'S REALLY A HARD MESSAGETO TELL SOMEBODY.

MAYBE WE CAN HELP YOU.

MAYBE WE CAN DELIVERA "SINGING TELEGRAM" MESSAGE.

I CAN PICTURE IT NOW.

DING DONG.

♪ I LIKE THE STORIESYOU TELL ME ♪

♪ I LIKE THE WAYYOU THINK ♪

♪ I LIKE THE WAYYOU SPEND MONEY ♪

♪ I LIKE THE BEERYOU DRINK ♪

BUT--

♪ I DON'T LIKEI DON'T LIKE ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKEI DON'T LIKE ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKEKISSING YOU ♪

♪ YOU

♪ YOU

♪ YOU

♪ I LIKE THAT YOU LIKEMY FAMILY ♪

♪ I LIKE THAT YOU LIKEMY RULES ♪

♪ I LIKE THAT YOU LIKEMY GLASSES ♪

♪ I LIKE THAT YOU LIKEMY TATTOO ♪

BUT !

♪ I DON'T LIKEI DON'T LIKE ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKEI DON'T LIKE ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKEKISSING YOU ♪

♪ YOU

♪ YOU

♪ YOU

♪ I'M REALLY SORRYTHAT I HURT YOUR FEELINGS ♪

♪ AND IF YOU NEVER WANNASEE ME AGAIN ♪

BEFORE YOU GO CANYOU DO ME ONE FAVOR ?

AND INTRODUCE METO YOUR BEST FRIEND ?

CAUSE !

♪ I DON'T LIKEI DON'T LIKE ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKEI DON'T LIKE ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKEKISSING YOU ♪

♪ KISSING YOU

♪ KISSING YOU

♪ KISSING YOU !

( cheering and applause )

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