Lange, Jackson, Schachter, Melson, Keith, Metzger, Gay

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 05/17/2007

Geoff Keith shares a warning about drinking with older people, Artie Lange explains why he's bad at doing drugs, and Kurt Metzger dissects the term "settling down."

I just moved here from Miami.

Clap it up-- South Beach.(applause)

Yeah! That's not the partI lived in.

Don't get all happy.

When you tell peoplefrom New York

you used to live in Miami,they're like, "Oh, CSI.

I've seen that on TV."

I'm not, "No, there's a lotof different parts."

I lived in North Miami.(woman whoops)

Yeah, all right.Do you still live there?

Yeah, not after "they" moved in?


No one ever knows North Miami,so I always tell people,

North Miamiis one of those exits of I-95

where you say, "Damn it,I don't need gas that bad.

I will wait."

It's good to be here, though,I like it here, man.

I'm a full-time comic now,

so, like,I have all day to myself,

and I want to admit to you guys,

that's a first stepin addiction,

that I do have an addiction,and it's MTV's My Sweet 16.

Listen, I'm reaching out, okay?

Don't... don't judge me.

I just thought those kids,

they're not appreciativeof anything.

Like, how do get a drop-top Beamer,

you're like,"You couldn't get it in black?"

And I just think about myselfas a little kid.

Like, I swear to God,when I was ten years old,

I got a bag of those littleplastic army men,

that was... I was good.

That's all I needed.

But, see, my cousins were all bigger than me,

so they would take the army guysand the cool positions,

so the only dude I had leftwas that dude on the phone.


So, really, my armyjust looked like ten gay guys

waiting on their lattesat Starbucks.

"I'll take 50 rounds of ammoand a white chocolate mocha."

We took the beach anyway.


(sparse applause)All right, one person cared...

(crowd cheering)No!

I don't want the fake claps now,that's all right.

I taught seventh grade, man.

Yeah, people-- ah...(aahing)

Yeah, people always"ooh" and "aah"

when I say I taughtthe seventh grade, man.

Teaching wasn't that bad,except for the kids.

My last year of teaching,I got a little gem.

I had to talk to them about thedangers of drugs and alcohol.

And, uh, anybody out therethat knows me at all

knows that I'm the last personin the world

that should be talking to yourkids about that-- I'm a big fan.

Of both. I got posters,I got season tickets.

Uh, but my last year teaching--

and I'm going to read thisfor you as it was given to me--

uh, I got a letter from a kid,we'll call him Billy.

And, uh, I'm going to read thisfor you.

I had to talk to them about thedangers of drugs and alcohol.

"My Marijuana Essay."


"Marijuana is a nine letter wordfor death, pain and misery.

"Marijuana is even worsethan a cigarette.

"In this essay, I will attempt

"to explain to youthe harmful effects

"of marijuana, and how to tell

if somebody's offering youhidden marijuana."

Which never happens.

"First of all, you will not hear

"the term 'marijuana'used as much.

"Other terms are slang terms.

They are weed, pot,cigaweed and crack."

First of all,the crack comment tells you

he's making stuff upfour sentences into this.

Rest of you guys are sittingthere like, "Cigaweed"?

Using terms fromthe '60s, and...

Now, if this next sentencedoesn't say "Miami" all around,

I don't know what does.

"Marijuana has a chemicalin it called hashish."

That's my kid, y'all.

"Hashish can either be baked,smoked or sniffed."

So you knowhe's been to Amsterdam

at least one time in his life,'cause you could not know that.

And here's where it justtakes this weird turn.

"If you are a girl, you haveto be quite careful in college,

because men will bake browniesat a party."

First of all, like, five dudes

in here right nowlike, "Shut up."

"Now, honestly,why would a full-grown man

"spend his timemaking homemade brownies

when he could justbuy some from the store?"

That's a good question.

"I'll tell you why.

"He wants to put hashish in it,so you'll eat it, get high,

and have unprotected sexwith him, that's why."

"Last but...(chuckles)

"Last but not least,

"marijuana can get youinto a lot of trouble.

"The only time you're allowedto carry marijuana

"is if you havea prescription from a doctor

or you'remy seventh grade teacher."

I put that.

"Did you know thatevery three seconds

"someone diesbecause of marijuana?

"One, two, three.

See? Someone's dead."

And he counts it downfor you at the end.

And I'm gonna tell you this,New York City,

I swear to God,one of my dreams in life

was to perform for this network.

My only other dream in comedyis, ten years from now,

this kid's gonna be at a show,we're gonna go down to my car,

roll one upand laugh our ass off.

Give it up for Billy.You guys are great.

the weird but true crime section

in the paper wherethey keep the hilarious crimes,

but this guy just got six monthsin jail

for posing as a gynecologistand doing fake exams

in motel roomson the Jersey Turnpike.

He did, like, seven of them,

and you only get six monthsfor that.

That makes it almost worthtrying now, doesn't it?


I... That makes me feel badfor women now,

'cause it has... I...

You know, I don't blamethe victims.

I'm sure it's hard for youto find a reliable,

uh, motel gynecologist.

You know, they don't...

they don't have any McGruffthe Crime Dog,

Warning Signs of Gyno Fraudpamphlets that you can...


"Does your gynecologist havea teardrop tattoo right here?"

"Did he perform the examwith a shoehorn,

and, or Twizzler?"

(laughter and groaning)

"Get your money backif that happens.

That's not cool."


I can't even see you guysthat well.

I need glasses really bad,

and it turns outI can't wear them medically

because my eyebrowsare too ...damn big.

I'm not wearing glasses.

And I got big nostrils, also.

And it looks likeI have a beard,

but that is the shadowof my nostrils.


If I... If I wear glasses,it's going to look

like my eyebrows and nosecame with my damn glasses.

I'm not living my lifelike that.

But, you know, I would never getsurgery to try to fix it,

'cause on TV,it doesn't look worth it.

I saw liposuction.

That's... you ever seehow they do that?

That's, like, violent.

They take the hoseand ram it like that.

They, it looks like they're madat how fat you are.

Like, "Look at this (bleep)!

Look what I got to do 'causeyou don't know how to eat."

That's not cool.

Right in the officewith the doctor,

when he writes on your facewith a marker,

that's when I would haveto leave 'cause I...

I can't take that kind ofjudgment with a pen on my face.

He's like, "Uh... no.

(audience laughs)


"I don't even know what this is.

"I'm just goingto scribble it out.

I'm just going to save timeand write 'pig' on your face."

Because, uh...she does this thing.

I don't knowif everybody's girl does this,

but she points out other femaleson TV or on the street.

And she goes,"Do you think she's pretty?"

Like some kind of entrapment,that's what it is.

And I'm an idiot so I answer.

I'm like,"Oh, yeah, she's a ten."

A gave a ten to another female,in front of my girl.

And that's gonna cost, then shewants to know her score, right?

Then there's going to bean argument,

because, uh, first of all,

I happen to think an eightis an excellent score, okay.

That is no reasonto yell at someone

unless you have a problem, okay?

And then she's like, "What I'mnot a ten, what does that mean?

"Did you settle?

Did you have to settle for me?"

Which is awkward,

because that's what I thoughtwe were both doing

first of all, right?

"It's a problem now?

"Isn't that why it's calledsettling down?

That's what I thought, like..."

"It's not called 'Reachingfor the stars,' is it?"


I don't want a ten.

I'm not some kindof shallow guito, okay.

My perfect girl... I metmy perfect woman in Canada.

It was this girl,she would have been a ten, okay,

but the only thing wrongwith her

was she just had one arm missingat the elbow.

And, but,and not from an accident.

It was a birth defect,so there were little, uh...

nubby, beginnings of fingertipsthat came out.

(audience groaning)

They were little,they had like nails on them.


But she was awesome.

She was so hot, dude, but justlittle, this would come at you.


That was, it looked likeyou could, like, pull on them

and fix her, like a, a TV antenna.

Just, like,"Have you tried this...?"

Might be a foot of good armtucked into this.


That is my perfect woman.

That's a girl that would be outof my league normally,

but now I can get herat a discount,

because she's slightlyirregular.


Don't feel bad for her, ladies.

Okay, but you'd hate herif you saw how hot she was.

She was adorable.

We don't carehow many arms you have,

trust me, that doesn't makea difference.

If you want to feel bad,feel bad for her friend.

She had a friend with her.

Nobody would hit on her.

Not that hot, perfectly fine,

two good working,Christian arms, nobody cared.

They just wanted to talkto Total Recall every time.

This is my favorite showI've ever seen.

It's on the Discovery Channel,

and it was called The 101 Craziest Objects

Ever Found in the Human Body.

And the lastten minutes are just

about things they found uppeople's asses at the hospital,

which is a lot of stufffrom your home.

And they talked to the doctorthat has to take that out,

and he just looks miserable,right?

'Cause, you know, that's notwhy he became a doctor probably

to do that all day.

And he looks at the cameraand he goes,

"I recommend to everyone

that they not put a foreignobject in their rectum."

And then he just getsthis sad look on his face

like he knows no one is goingto listen to him.

Tomorrow he's going to be backto square one.


It looked like he wantedto start going to schools

and talking to kidsand, like, you know,

like a "Just say no to stuffup your ass" presentation.

With objects that he pulledout at the hospital, like...

a lightbulb, a jelly jar,some mice.

"What do all these objectshave in common?

"I had to fish them outof somebody's greasy (bleep).

"That's what.

"What's wrong with you people?

"Why would you ram everythingup there until it disappeared?

"You can't leave an inchhanging out and plan ahead

for when you're donedisgracing your family?"

Mice, man, that's like a...

it's like a little biology fact.

'Cause you know human beings arethe only animal in all of nature

that sometimes shoves otheranimals up their ass.


you don't watch any natureprograms?

Does, like, a bear grab a duckand stick it up his ass?

And then, uh,he can't get it out

and they got to call some kindof medical bear to help him.

it's like there's a murdergoing on!

The doors are locked,

the shades are drawn,

everything's wrapped in plastic.

I'm not for everybody.

(applause and cheering)

I am now going to teach you everything I have learned

after ten yearsof stand-up comedy.

If you are on unemployment,

and you want to stayon unemployment,

all you have to do, at any pointduring the job interview,

is respond in this fashion.

If they say,"Why should we hire you?"

You look them right in the eyesand you say,

"I'm J.J. Fad,and I'm here to rock."


That is another six weeksof unemployment...

right there!

I have gotten so good at it,

I don't even wait for theinterview to start anymore.

I walk in, I shake hands,

and I say,"Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Humpty."


Then they look at my resume,they're like,

"We see you once got busyin a Burger King bathroom."

"Tell us about that, Humpty."


This is the highlightof my month!

My girlfriend broke up with me.

You ever break up with somebodyand get that phone call

where they try to weaseltheir way back in your life.

Like a month later,and they're drunk,

they call up, and they're like,"I want my stuff."


"I want my stuff!"

I was like, "You don't haveany stuff here."

She said, "You have my broom,

"you have my dustpan,

and you have my wine glasses."

And I said, "How aboutI send you a check for $25

and we never talk again."

And she said, "No.

That stuffhas sentimental value."

I said, "Fine,it'll be outside the house.

Don't ring my bell."

And I was angry!

So I put it out with the trash.

And then she showed up,and she kept ringing the bell.

Bing, bing, bing, bing,bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

And I was watching herthrough that little peephole.

And I was like, "Yes!"

And I said,"Listen, if you leave now,

I won't have to callthe police."

And she went nuts.

She scooped up the glasses,and she started breaking them

one by one off my door.

(imitates glass shattering)

And I was like, "Yes!

God has given me the right thingto say."

And I was watching her, I said,

"Good! Now take your broomand your dustpan

and clean this (bleep) up."

(laughter and cheering)

The only positive thingto happen...

in New York City,

after September 11th is,on September 12th,

every tourist that moved herefrom Maine

and Wyoming and Minnesota,

got up on September 12th

and stood in front ofa video camera and said,

"It's not safe."

No kidding.

It's New York City.

It's not supposed to be safe.

Get the (bleep) out!


Real New Yorkers got upon September 12th

and said, "Hey!

Is there alternate sideof the street parking today?"