The Wolf of Bourbon Street

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 10/03/2014

Adam hosts Alingon Mitra, Cy Amundson and Ben Roy and desperately tries to take his house party back to the golden age of stand-up: the 1980s.

♪ TALK ABOUT POP MUSIC

♪ TALK ABOUT

- WHOO!

YEAH!

OOH, THE GIGGLE GANGIN THE HOUSE.

MY HOUSE PARTY.

[laughs]

- WHOA, ADAM.LOOKING...LOUD.

- I'M FEELING LOUD, ALINGON.

I'M GLAD YOU SAID THAT.YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE LAST NIGHT,BEFORE I CAUGHT SOME Zs,

I WAS THINKING TO MYSELF,"I'M SICK OF IT."

- SICK OF--SICK OF WHAT?

- I'M SICK OF BEING TYPECAST

AS A CLEAN-CUT,NICE GUY COMEDIAN,

AS JUST THE CUTE BOY NEXT DOOR

WHO'S GONNA HAVE SEXWITH YOUR DAUGHTER COMEDIAN.

I'M SICK OF BEING TYPECAST

AS THE GUY YOU WANT TO [bleep]COMEDIAN.

- YOU'RE NOT THAT.- EXACTLY. I'M NOT THAT.

I'M BIGGER THAN THAT, RIGHT?

- YEAH, THAT'S NOT--THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

- WHOO!

I'M BIGGER THAN THAT,AND SO ARE YOU.

IM GONNA TAKE US BACKTO THE 1980s,

WHEN COMICS WERE GODS.

- OH, NO.

- [snapping]

THAT MEANS GIVE THEMTHE COSTUMES.

WHOO.OKAY, YEAH.

SO THOSE ARE OUR COSTUMES.

YOU GUYS PUT THOSE ON,AND LET'S CHANGE THE WHOLE WORLD

WITH OUR COMEDICFLAVOR SLASH STYLINGS.

EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO...[sniffs]

GET READY FOR THE SHOW,IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

TUGGS!

LET'S GO, MY MAN.

- IT'S LIKE SOME SORTOF HOUSE PARTY TIME MA--

- DON'T. DON'T.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.

IT'S--LET'S JUST DOTHIS BULLSHIT.

[theme music plays]

AS YOU ALL KNOW,I LOVE KATY PERRY.

I LOVE THAT ONE SONG SHE HAS, LAST FRIDAY NIGHT,

BECAUSE AT CERTAIN POINTSIN THAT SONG,

KATY WILL CLUMP TOGETHERSOME ISSUES

THAT HAVE VASTLYDIFFERENT CONSEQUENCES.

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "RIPPEDMY FAVORITE PARTY DRESS,

WARRANTS OUT FOR MY ARREST,GLITTER ALL OVER THE ROOM."

SORRY, DID YOU SAY YOU HADWARRANTS OUT FOR YOUR ARREST?

YEAH, I RIPPEDMY FAVORITE PARTY DRESS.

I'VE GOT WARRANTSOUT FOR MY ARREST.

THERE'S GLITTERALL OVER THE ROOM.

YEAH, I KNOW GLITTER,

IT'S HARD TO PICK UP,

BUT THE POLICEARE LOOKING FOR YOU.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

"PICTURES OF LAST NIGHTENDED UP ONLINE.

"I'M SCREWED.

OH, WELL."

NO!

THAT'S NOT PICTURESOF LAST NIGHT, KATY.

THAT'S EVIDENCE.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

"IT'S A BLACKED-OUT BLUR,BUT I'M PRETTY SURE IT RULED."

WELL, THINK, KATHERYN.

THERE ARE WARRANTS OUTFOR YOUR ARREST.

THAT MEANS YOU COMMITTEDNOT ONE BUT MULTIPLE CRIMES.

"THERE'S A STRANGERIN MY BED.

THERE'S A POUNDINGIN MY HEAD."

WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR HEADACHE?

THERE'S A STRANGER IN YOUR BED.

IS HE--IS HE BREATHING, KATY?

DID YOU MURDER SOMEBODY?

"BARBIE'S ON THE BARBECUE."

WHAT?

BARBIE'S ON THE BARBECUE.

THAT'S NOT A SIGNOF A GOOD PARTY.

THAT'S THE SIGNOF A SERIAL KILLER.

"BARBIE'S ON THE BARBECUE.

IS THIS A HICKEYOR A BRUISE?"

WELL, YOU SHOULD FIND OUT,

BECAUSE EITHER YOU MADE OUTWITH SOMEBODY

OR AN ASSAILANT PUNCHED YOUIN THE NECK.

GET IT TOGETHER, KATY.

I LOVE PRANKS.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE ONE,

GUY THAT I'M ASSUMINGIS NAMED DARYL.

I LOVE PRANKS.THIS IS MY FAVORITE ONE.

I LIKE TO GO TOA DEPARTMENT STORE

AND COMPLETELY RUINAN EMPLOYEE'S DAY.

HERE'S WHAT I DO.I GO IN.

I FIND A SHIRT.IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT SHIRT.

TAKE IT INTHE DRESSING ROOM.

PUT IT ON.COME BACK OUT.

FIND ONE OF THE EMPLOYEES,

AND I'LL BE LIKE,"EXCUSE ME, SIR.

"COULD I GET SOME ADVICEFROM YOU?

"COOL.THANKS.

"IF YOU WEREA JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT,

WOULD YOU TRUST AN ADULTIN THIS SHIRT?"

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,"WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?"

I'M LIKE, "HA, NO, RELAX.

"I DON'T WANT THERE TO BEANY MISCOMMUNICATION HERE TODAY.

"IF YOU WEREIN THE EIGHTH GRADE,

AND I HAD THIS SHIRT ON,WOULD YOU GET IN MY VEHICLE?"

HERE'S WHERE IT GETS GOOD,PORTIONS OF THE AUDIENCE

THAT DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW FUNNYTHIS IS GOING TO BE AT THE END.

I ALWAYS BUY THE SHIRT.EVERY TIME.

THEN I TAKE THE SHIRT BACKTO MY SISTER'S HOUSE,

I PUT IT ON, AND I PICK UPMY 14-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW ETHAN,

AND THEN THE TWO OF US GO BACKTO THAT SAME STORE.

WE GO WALKING BYTHAT SAME EMPLOYEE.

AND AS WE PASS HIM,I SLIDE MY ARM

AROUND MY NEPHEW'S SHOULDER,GIVE THE EMPLOYEE ONE OF THESE.

"YOU DID THIS.

BEST WINGMAN EVER."

HEY, YOU GUYSHAVE BEEN SO MUCH FUN.

I LOVE YOUR CITY.

THIS PLACE IS [bleep] AWESOME.

[cheers and applause]

NOT THAT AWESOME.

I LIKE IT.IT'S SUPER RAD.

BUT I CAN SEE THAT YOU GUYS

HAVE THE SAME PROBLEMTHAT WE HAVE EVERYWHERE ELSE

IN THE UNITED STATES RIGHT NOW,WHICH IS THOSE STUPID

TRAFFIC-MOUNTEDRADAR CAMERA THINGS.

[scattered cheers]

DO YOU KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT?

DOESN'T THAT SHITPISS YOU OFF?

- YEAH!

- IF YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT--

AND THOSE OUT IN TV LAND--BASICALLY,

WHAT HAS HAPPENEDIS THAT EVERY MUNICIPALITY

IN THE UNITED STATESHAS DECIDED

THAT IF YOUR FRONT TIRESCROSS OVER A CROSSWALK,

OR MAYBE YOU GO THROUGHAN INTERSECTION

A LITTLE BIT LATE,OR MAYBE YOU'RE GOING

A FEW MILES OVERTHE SPEED LIMIT,

THAT IT IS THEN SAFE FOR THEM

TO REWARD YOUR UNSAFE BEHAVIOR

BY BLINDING YOUIN AN INTERSECTION

LIKE THEY'RE TRAFFIC PAPARAZZI.

RIGHT?

TAKING YOUR PHOTOBEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL.

AND THEN TWO WEEKS LATER,YOU GET A PHOTOGRAPH

IN THE MAILOF YOUR DUMB FACE, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, IN DENVER, WE HAVEA VAN THAT JUST PARKS THERE.

NOW I THOUGHTABOUT VANDALIZING THEM,

BUT I'M TOO OLD,AND I CAN'T FIT INTO

THAT AIRBRUSHEDTUPAC SHIRT ANYMORE.

WHEN I SEE ONE OF THESEPHOTO RADAR VEHICLES NOW

OR ONE OF THESETRAFFIC-MOUNTED CAMERAS,

I NO LONGER SLOW DOWN.

WHAT I DO IS,I ACCELERATE TOWARDS THEM

AT A REASONABLELAW-BREAKING SPEED.

THEN AS I GETWITHIN RANGE OF IT,

I SLOWLY LOWER MY SEATALL THE WAY BACK.

THEN WHAT I DO ISGRAB THE BOTTOM

OF MY STEERING WHEEL,AND AS THE CAMERA GOES OFF,

I LAY FLAT AND BLOWRIGHT BY THE THING, WHICH--

THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE LAUGHINGARE DOING THE MATH IN YOUR HEAD.

'CAUSE THAT MEANSTWO WEEKS LATER,

I INEVITABLY GET A PHOTOGRAPHIN THE MAIL

OF MY CAR DRIVENBY ABSOLUTELY [bleep] NOBODY,

WHICH IS AWESOME, RIGHT?

I LOVE IT TOO'CAUSE IT SENDS A MESSAGE

TO OUR SHITTY BUREAUCRATICLAWMAKERS.

IT SAYS, "HEY.

"IF YOU DON'TTECHNICALLY HAVE TO BE THERE

"WHEN ISSUING ME A TICKET,

"I GUESS I DON'TTECHNICALLY HAVE TO BE THERE

WHEN RECEIVING ONE, NOW, DO I?"

THAT'S THE BEST WAYTO DEAL WITH IT.

- GUYS, WE NEED TOHAVE AN INTERVENTION.

- YES, ABSOLUTELY, AND HONESTLY,

I FEEL LIKE I'M A GOOD LEADER,

SO I FEEL LIKE--OH, ADAM.

ADAM, ADAM, ADAM, ADAM.THERE HE IS--GET HIM.

GO, GO, GO, GO,GO, GO, GO, GO.

HEY. HEY, BUD.- NO, NO.

I'LL GET--I HAVE THIS.

I GOT THIS.

HEY, BUDDY.

- THE BATHROOM IS OFF-LIMITS

'CAUSE THE BATHTUBIS FILLED WITH POOP,

LIKE I ESTABLISHED.

- STOP DOING COKE, ADAM.

- YEAH,SOMEONE MUST CARE IF YOU DIE.

- ABSOLUTELY, YEAH.

AND PLUS,YOU HAVEN'T PAID US YET, SO...

- GUESS WHAT.

YOU'RE GONNA FEELLIKE REAL NINCOMPOOPS,

'CAUSE I'M NOT DOING COCAINE.

MEET TUGGS.

HE'S MY BAKER, ALL RIGHT?- OH.

- AND HE COOKS THE BEST BEIGNETSIN THE BUSINESS.

I'M LIKE, ADDICTED,TO THESE THINGS.

THE POWDERED SUGARON THESE THINGS ARE INCREDIBLE.

MMM. TRY ONE.

- THEY GOOD?- OH, MY GOD, YEAH.

- I KNOW, RIGHT?- MMM.

- THESE ARE REALLY GOOD.- [mumbling through food]

- THEY JUST GIVE ME THE ZIPI NEED IN ORDER TO BE

THE MC HAMMER OF COMEDY

AND TAKE MY BIWEEKLYAEROBICS CLASS.

- OH, I'M SO SORRY, DUDE.

WE THOUGHT--WE THOUGHT TUGGSWAS YOUR DRUG DEALER.

[laughter]

- MY DRUG DEALER.

- 'CAUSE HOW HE LOOKSAND DRESSES.

- OH, I ALSO SELL COCAINE.

- YEAH.