Monday, November 14, 2016

  • 11/14/2016

Arden Myrin, Samm Levine and Doug Benson give President-elect Donald Trump some pointers, guess the source of a bizarre sound and create #ScienceCelebs.

Our future president,

slash, amazing sourceof vitamin C, Donald Trump...

-(laughter) ...recently metwith Barack Obama

to go over the transitionof power

and also to ask"What do presidents do?"

(laughter)

This is...

(cheers and applause)

This is the exact moment

of it just sinking in,what he's got to do right here.

And Obama's like,

"Yeah, mother(bleep), that'swhat this (bleep) is about."

-(laughter)-According to CNBC,

aides on Trump's teamwere surprised to learn

the entire West Wing staffwill leave with Obama,

which is a bummer, 'cause Trumpwas really looking forward

to saying, "You're fired!"to a bunch of housekeepers.

-(laughter) -Trump was alsoreportedly planning

to split his time betweenWashington D.C., Trump Tower

and Mar-a-Lago because hedoesn't want this job, you guys!

-He doesn't want to do it.-(applause and cheering)

He didn't think it through.

-He just didn'tthink it through. -Yeah.

Right? This is likea Twilight Zone ending for Trump

where he getshis Faustian bargain.

"You mean I actually haveto do this?! No!"

-Yeah, but... think about it.-(cheers and applause)

He's a billionaire,he's 70 years old.

The next four to eight years

are a considerable chunkof the rest of his life,

and he's gotto (bleep) do it now.

It's hilarious. I mean, it's...

(applause and cheering)

I don't know how funny it isto some people, but

it seems likeDonald doesn't know

what the presidencyactually entails.

He's like America's drunk friend

watching American Ninja Warrior, saying,

-"Yeah, I could do that(bleep)." Except... -(laughter)

"It's not so hard.I could do that (bleep)."

Except now,60 million people were like,

"Okay, then do that (bleep),why don't you?"

-(laughter,applause and cheering) -Now,

comedians,since the president-elect needs

some helping hintsto get started,

what are some other presidentialduties he should know about?

Arden Myrin.

Presiding over the governmentof the United States of America.

-(laughter)-All right.

-All right.-(applause and cheering)

Well, a branch of it.Yeah. Points.

-Judge Doug Benson.-(laughter)

-I...-(laughter)

I don't...

I don't know exactlyhow the custom works, Chris,

but I thinkaround the holidays,

he has to choose a turkeyand grab its lady giblets.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: All right.

-Points. Yeah.-(applause and cheering)

-Samm Levine.-He's got to

renew trade agreementswith other countries.

He has to negotiate thecease fire in the Middle East.

He has to reducethe federal budget.

I'm just (bleep) with you,Donnie.

Mike Pence will handle all that.Don't worry about it.

First up-- audio quiz.

FEMALE VOICE: Audio quiz.

You can't spell "hear"without "ear"!

Comedians, I want you to hearthis sound with your ears.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

(laughter)

This sound wasall over the online.

What was it?

A) A baby monitorin a Chipotle bathroom?

B) Larry King doing pushups?

C) Yoko Ono's responseto Trump get elected?

D) An owl with brain damage?

E) A Cabbage Patch dollmelting in an oven?

F) Margaret Cho walkingover hot coals?

-G) The Goodyear Blimpdeflating? -(applause)

H) Queens of the Stone Ageplaying laser tag?

I) A divorceemeeting Chris Isaak?

J) A Stromboliexploding in a vacuum?

K) Bobby Flay gettinghis dick caught in his zipper?

-(cheers and applause) -L) Amonkey burping some Tupperware?

M) Nick Nolte on a trampoline?

N) A pumpkin fightat a Wal-Mart?

O) Donald Trump reacting toYoko Ono putting out a new song?

P) The final hoursof Sting having sex?

Q) One Gen Xergetting that joke?

R) Somebody getting arrestedat an Ikea?

-(laughter)-S) Sushi prank gone wrong?

T) A Furbywith dying batteries?

U) The pope sitting on his pen?

V) Meerkats makingsweet, sweet love?

W) Poppingthe world's largest zit?

X) Siri doingan Urkel impression?

Y) Why am I still doing this?

Z) C) Yoko Ono's responseto Trump getting elected?

(cheers and applause)

Doug Benson?

-It's "A."-(laughter)

HARDWICK:Let's find out together.

-Ooh. Ooh. Oh. Oh.-(laughter)

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Aah. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Aah! Aah!

MYRIN:Wow.

-Uh...-MYRIN: Wow.

-Wow.-(cheers and applause)

LEVINE:I guess it was "Z."

So...

-So, she liked it then?-(laughter)

That's Yoko Ono,the woman famous

for breaking up the Beatlesreacting to Donald Trump,

the manfor breaking up 'Merica.

And now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

Thanksgiving isn'tthe only holiday coming up.

November 27 isBill Nye's birthday,

commemorating the day a doctorlooked at his mom and said,

"Congratulations!It's a science guy!"

-(laughter)-And...

Uh, my birthday's November 23,but don't worry about it.

-(whooping, whistling, applause)-Uh, and...

Ooh, I know. Oh, my God.

Oh! The big two-nine this year.

-(shouting, applause)-Uh...

Shut up. (bleep) shut up.

Oh, (bleep) youand your Wikipedia.

(laughter)

And since science is endingJanuary 20,

-MAN: What?-let's create some more star...

Yeah, some guy's like, "What?"Think about it.

-(laughter)-Uh... let's create

some more stars with tonight'shashtag #ScienceCelebs.

#ScienceCelebs.Examples might be--

Hydro-Jennifer Aniston,and Bunsen Bernie Sanders.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock. Begin.

-Doug.-Uh, George Clone-y.

-Yes, points.-(laughter, applause)

-Sammy Levine.-Uh, Ion McKellen.

Yes, points.

-Arden Myrin.-L. Ron Hubble.

-Points.-(whooping, laughter)

Doug Benson.

Jude Law of Gravity.

-Points.-(laughter)

Samm Levine.

Weird Al Bert Einstein.

-Points.-(cheering, applause)

Arden.

Hydro-Cloris Leachman.

-Points.-(whooping, applause)

-Samm.-Acid Rainn Wilson.

-Points.-(whooping, applause)

Arden.

Bill Nye the Science Guy Fieri.

-Points.-(cheering, applause)

Doug.

E equals MC Hammer.

-Points.-(cheering, applause)

Samm.

-Jack Black Hole.-Yes. Very good. Points.