Kevin Meaney & Paul Provenza

  • Season 1, Ep 0132
  • 02/24/1992

I MEAN, THEY'RE GREAT,BUT I MEAN...

I JUST... I JUST,I DON'T KNOW, I JUST...

I HEARD I WAS GREAT IN B...I THINK SOMEONE TOLD ME...

ACTUALLY, I HEARDI WAS GREAT IN BED.

NOT BY A WOMAN... MY PARROTSAID, "YOU'RE GREAT IN BED.

YOU'RE GREAT IN BED."

THAT'S PRETTY MUCHALL I TAUGHT HIM.

IT COST ME A THOUSAND DOLLARSTO TEACH HIM TO SAY THOSE TOO.

NO, I HAVEN'T...I'VE BEEN SCARED THE LAST YEAR

AND THAT'S...YOU KNOW, RIGHTFULLY SO

AND KIDS, CONDOMS.

( rumbling )

THAT WAS A CANNONOR AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT.

WHO CARES?

BUT, UH... I HAD TROUBLEWITH THE LAST RELATIONSHIP.

SO I GOT SCARED A LITTLE BITAND I HAD...

I HAD TWO AMISH PEOPLE COME OVERWHO WERE FRIENDS OF MINE.

THEY HAD AN ERECTION RAISING.

IT WAS FUN.

NO, IT HELPED ME, HELPED ME OUT.

BUT, UH...I'VE GIVEN UP RIGHT NOW.

I DON'T CARE.

I TOOK THE MIRROROFF THE CEILING.

I JUST PUT A POSTER UP OF THEFIVE BASIC FOOD GROUPS UP TOP.

AND I BLAME MY FAMILY.

ACTUALLY MY FAMILY TOOK--

FORGET MIRRORS, I DON'T THINKMY MOM AND DAD HAD A MIRROR--

THEY LITERALLY TOOKTHE WHOLE BED OUT

AND PUT A SHUFFLEBOARD COURTIN THEIR BEDROOM.

SO I SAW THAT.

I WISH I WAS AN ANIMAL.

( screeches )

I WISH I WAS JUST AN ANIMALLIKE AN ELK.

HE'LL MAKE LOVE TO A GIRAFFE

AND HE'LL SCRATCH HIS ASSAND THEN HE'LL GO TO A TREE

AND HE'LL JUST SWAT A FLY.

THAT'S IT!

HE DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKEA PHONE CALL.

THERE'S NO GUILT.

THERE'S NO... YOU KNOW.

BIRDS-- HUMMINGBIRDS.

YOU THINK HUMMINGBIRDS CAREABOUT PREMATURE EJACULATION?

THEY COULD CARE LESS.

WHOO!

IT'S... IT'S OVER.

THAT'S THE DIVORCE,THE HONEYMOON, THE MARRIAGE.

THEY MOVE TO FLORIDA,COME BACK TO JERSEY.

WHOO!

THEY GET DIVORCED AGAIN.

I JUST DID JACKIE MASONFOR A SECOND.

IT'S LIKE IT'S SILLY.

I SHOULD ASK MY SHRINK, BUTI DON'T GO TO A SHRINK ANYMORE.

SO... GOOD NIGHT.

I'M SORRY, I PANICKED.

NO, BUT I REALLY HAVE A...I HAVE SEXUAL PROBLEMS.

HERE'S THE DEAL,I'LL SPELL IT RIGHT OUT TO YOU:

O-R-G-A-S-M-- ORGASM, THAT'S IT.

IT SHOULD BEAN IMPORTANT PART OF SEX.

I FEEL IT'S A MISTAKE.

I FEEL ORGASMS ARE OVERRATED,QUITE FRANKLY.

YOU KNOW, ALL RIGHT.

OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T AGREEWITH ME.

BUT I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND...I WANT TO...

WOMEN ARE SO COMPLEXAND BEAUTIFUL

AND I JUST...YOU KNOW, IN MY LAST ORGASM--

WELL, NOT MINE... I...YOU KNOW, MY LOVER'S--

SHE SAID SHE HAD AN ORGASM.

I SAID, "WAS YOUR OR...WELL, WAS IT...

"WAS IT AS ENIGMATIC FOR YOUAS IT WAS FOR ME?

I'M JUST CURIOUS."

BECAUSE I HAD NO IDEAWHERE I WAS.

I WEAR A... WHEN THE LIGHTSGO OUT, I PUT A MINER'S CAP ON.

"AM I CLOSE, HONEY?"

"RICHARD, I LOVE YOUBUT YOU'RE IN THE KITCHEN."

"OH, THAT'S RIGHT."

I WAS IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

THERE'S TOO MANY STUPID PEOPLE--SCREWED UP THE CURVE.

EVERYTHING IN OUR SOCIETY GOES

TO THE LOWESTCOMMON DENOMINATOR.

HAVE YOU NOTICED?

IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

I BOUGHT A DICTIONARY--BELIEVE ME, THIS CONNECTS--

WEBSTER'S COLLEGIATE,ABRIDGED DICTIONARY.

AN ABRIDGED DICTIONARY--PERFECTLY SOUND CONCEPT.

I DON'T NEED EVERY WORD.

IT'S CHEAPER TO MAKE, LIGHTERTO CARRY-- GREAT IDEA, RIGHT?

HOW COME EVERY WORD I LOOK UPIS NOT IN THIS DICTIONARY?

TOO MANY STUPID PEOPLESCREWING UP THE CURVE.

THE BOOK IS THIS THICK.

WHAT DID THEY DETERMINE NEEDSTO BE IN THAT DICTIONARY?

THE WORD "HAT" IS IN THERE.

THEY HAD MEETINGS:

"SHOULD WE LEAVE IN HAT,SHOULD WE TAKE HAT OUT?"

"NO, DON'T TAKE HAT OUT.

"LEAVE THAT IN.

SOMEBODY COULD GET HURT."

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,IF YOU CAN OPERATE A DICTIONARY

I WOULD THINKIT'S REASONABLE TO ASSUME

YOU KNOW THAT THINGON YOUR HEAD IS A HAT.

WHO DO THEY EXPECT TO BUY THIS?

WHO'S THEIR TARGET AUDIENCE?

VERY PEOPLE WITH SHOESON THEIR HEADS GO TO BOOKSTORES.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

IF YOU NEED TO LOOK THE WORD HATUP IN THE DICTIONARY

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO.

WE KNOW THAT ABOUT YOU.

VOCABULARY IS CLEARLY NOTA PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE.

FOR CRYING OUT...

IT'S THE COLLEGIATE,ABRIDGED DICTIONARY.

THE WORD CHAIR IS IN THERE.

WHAT DOES THIS SAYABOUT EDUCATION IN AMERICA?

ARE WE TO ASSUMESOMEWHERE IN SOME COLLEGE

THERE ARE KIDS SITTINGIN A DORM ROOM GOING

"WHERE THE HELL ISMY DICTIONARY?

"I LEFT IT RIGHT HERE

ON THIS WOODEN, LEG-BENDING,ASS-RESTING THING."

"AND GET THAT SHOEOFF YOUR HEAD!"

( laughter )

HERE'S THE KILLER.

I'M LOOKING UP A WORD THATSTARTS WITH THE LETTER "D."

IT'S NOT IN THERE.

NONE OF MY WORDS ARE.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN THE MIDDLEOF THE PAGE

WHERE MY WORD WOULD HAVE BEEN?

THEY PUT THE WORD "DICTIONARY"IN THE DICTIONARY.

AM I FROM ANOTHER PLANET?

WHEN DID I BECOME SMARTER THANTHE DICTIONARY COMPANY--

THAT ALL OF A SUDDEN I'MTHE ONE THAT STOPS TO THINK

"IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHATTHE HELL A DICTIONARY IS

HOW SHOULD YOU EVEN KNOWTO LOOK IT UP THERE?"

LEAVE IT OUT.

OR IF YOU'RE GOING TO PUT INTHE WORD DICTIONARY

AT THE VERY LEAST, TAKE THEOPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A POINT.

PUT RIGHT IN THERE: "DICTIONARY.

WHAT ARE YOU,SOME KIND OF MORON?"

"SEE ALSO THE COVER."

( laughter )

YOU'RE NOT EVEN AWARE OF IT.

I BOUGHT A BOTTLE OF WINDEX--

THIS CONNECTS.

IT'S $3.99FOR THE BIG, GIANT SIZE.

I'M LOOKING AT THE THINGAND I'M GOING

"$3.99? WHAT A RIP-OFF!

WHERE DO THEY GET THE NERVETO CHARGE US?"

IT'S LIKE 11 CENTS WORTH

OF WATER, AMMONIAAND A LITTLE BLUE STUFF.

WATER AND AMMONIAARE DIRT CHEAP.

HOW MUCH COULD BLUE STUFF RUN?

ESPECIALLY IN BULK,LIKE THEY BUY IT.

AND I'M GETTING ANNOYED.

I'M STEAMINGAND I'M LOOKING AT THE THING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,THE ANSWER JUMPS OUT AT ME.

IN BIG BLOCK LETTERS,IT ACTUALLY SAYS RIGHT ON THERE:

"WARNING:DO NOT SPRAY INTO EYES."

HERE WE GO,NOW IT'S ALL CLEAR TO ME.

YEARS AGO, BEFORETHEY HAD THAT ON THE LABEL

AND IT WAS, OH... 17 CENTSFOR THE LARGE SIZE

SOME GENIUS WOKE UP ONE MORNING,THOUGHT TO HIMSELF, "YOU KNOW...

( sighs )

CLEANING MY CONTACT LENSES ISSUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS."

( laughter )

"BOY, IF I COULD JUST COME UPWITH SOME QUICK AND EASY WAY

THAT WOULD MAKE IT CONVENIENTAND SIMPLE FOR ME TO GET THE..."

( chuckling )

"HEY!

WINDOW... LOOK THROUGH..."

( pretends to squirt )

"HEY! THIS IS GREAT-- I JUST..."

( screams )

OKAY, SO THIS EINSTEINGOES BLIND.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, HE'STICKED OFF AT THE WHOLE WORLD.

APPARENTLY HECOULDN'T EVEN LEARN

HOW TO PLAY A MUSICALINSTRUMENT OR ANYTHING

SO HE SUES THE WINDEX COMPANY

AND BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVETHAT WRITTEN ON THE LABEL YET

HE WON, AND NOWYOU AND I HAVE TO PAY $3.99

FOR 11 CENTS WORTH OF WATER,AMMONIA AND A LITTLE BLUE STUFF.

NO, NO, WHOA.

NOW, I BOUGHT A PIANO.

NOWHERE DOES IT SAY, "DO NOT SLAM LID ON GENITALS."

( loud laughter )

REALLY-- THAT'SWHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO.

NOBODY PAYS ATTENTIONTO WARNINGS.

WE NEE CIGARETTE WARNINGS.

NOBODY PAYS ATTENTION TO IT.

THERE'S FIVE OR SIXDIFFERENT WARNINGS

GO ON DIFFERENT PACKAGES.

I DON'T THINK THEY KNOW

WHAT PHOTOGRAPH WILL END UPWITH WHAT WARNING

BECAUSE THEY'D PLANMORE CAREFULLY.

I SAW ONE I COULDN'T BELIEVE.

THESE TWO WOMEN SITTINGON A PORCH SWING

PETTING A LITTLE PUPPY,DRINKING ICE TEAS

WATCHING THE SAILBOATS GO BY,REAL PASTORAL SETTING

AND IN THE CORNER,IT SAID, "WARNING:

SMOKING CAUSES FETAL INJURYAND PREMATURE BIRTH DEFECTS."

I THOUGHT,"HEY, THAT'S NOT A PUPPY."

YOU SEE, NOW, THAT...

( laughter )

THAT ISA VERY EFFECTIVE WARNING.

BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE...

THERE ARE PEOPLE

WHO WANT TO MAKECIGARETTE SMOKING ILLEGAL.

I HATE SMOKINGMORE THAN THE NEXT GUY

BUT YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU CANNOT LEGISLATEINTELLIGENCE.

YOU CAN'T MAKEPEOPLE STOP SMOKING.

WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS MAKEPEOPLE WANT TO STOP SMOKING.

LET'S USE OUR HEADS.

THERE'S A WHOLE FREUDIAN,ORAL-FIXATION THING

INVOLVED WITH CIGARSAND CIGARETTES.

WE DON'T NEEDTO MAKE THEM ILLEGAL.

LET'S JUST MAKE THEM PINK.

( laughter )

OH, OH, MOST GUYS WOULD STOPSMOKING LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW

AND VERY FEW WOMEN WOULD INHALE.

YOU SEE HOW THAT WORKS?

Loading...