Tuesday, January 19, 2016

  • 01/19/2016

Patton Oswalt, Shelby Fero and Blaine Capatch check their symptoms online, divulge #5WordConspiracies and whip up Paula Deen-style dishes.

Ripped from today's internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

-(cheers and applause)-(whooshing)

I love the new graphic.It makes me happy.

Here's a list of the mosttrendingest topics

on the Web today.

Let's blast through 'emas quickly as possible.

Our first topic-- audio quiz.

-It's audio quiz.-FEMALE VOICE: Audio quiz.

Aw. That's Phoebe.

She works here, but she tookanother job, 'cause it's...

-It probably pays a lot better,and so, uh... -Mm-hmm.

We will miss her, and we willforever trap her voice

in our audio quiz,so a huge hand for Phoebe.

-PHOEBE: Audio Quiz. -Yes! That's her.

(applause and cheering)

-Oh, Phoebe. -HARDWICK:Comedians, I'm gonna play you

a short sound clip from a videowe found on Mashable today,

and I want you to tell me whatwe're listening to, all right?

Listen to this.


Okay, what is that?

Is that A:A brick in a washing machine?

B: An Entourage slot machinebeing pushed down the stairs?

C: Bernie Sanders tryingto parallel park?

-Oh! Park.-Shelby Fero.

Uh, I got to go with "B," man.

Let's find out together.

-Oh, no.-Oh! -Oh!


CAPATCH:Oh, (bleep)!

-Forgot to put dryer sheetsin it! -(laughter)

My brick is gonna be not soft.

-I think this countsas ballet in Florida. -Yeah.

Just looks like R2-D2 shizerporn. Like, really early...

Like, that's whathe would do up to.

-Ooh, my. -OSWALT: "Yeah, geton the trampoline,

Boop Beep."

-Here. -FERO: These are liketits bouncing to...

-Yeah. -Let me take offthis restraining bolt.

-Yeah.-HARDWICK: All right.

Onto our next topic:add "ing." Add "ing."

This is a fun, non-fight-clubor furry-porn-related trend

that took over reddit today.

User... Oh, God, the user's nameis "racistpuffs."

-All right.-OSWALT: (Bleep).

Uh, I don't know what that is,but great. Um...

My mom thought it was funny.

I'm Ku Klux Klanfor Racist Puffs.

HARDWICK:It might be, yeah. Well,

Racistpuffs created "add 'ing'"

which has users add "I-N-G"to a movie title

and then describing the newmovie it creates, all right? So,

for instance, one person said,"Breakfast Clubbing.

"Clubbing so latethat you actually

end up clubbingreally, really early."

Uh, nicely done,PM_YOURóLADY_HUMPS.

Reddit names are the best.

Prime Minister Your Lady Humps?

HARDWICK:Yeah. That's right.

-Comedians, I would like youto throw in... -Your Majesty.

HARDWICK:I would like you to throw in

your own add-ingmovie description,

'cause we want to get inon the game, as well.

Uh, Blaine Capatch.

Phantom Menacing. That's when you ruin Star Wars.

-FERO: Yeah.-HARDWICK: All right, points.

(cheers and applause)

Shelby Fero.

Uh, Ghosting. Patrick Swayzestops returning my texts.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Very well done.Very well done. Patton.

ETing. A dyslexic has dinner.


(applause and cheering)

-Points.-Not bad. All right.

All right, onto our next topic.

"Kim K: Krime Detective."

Uh, Kim Kardashian tweetedthat she just got Netflix,

which means that she can finallystart watching

Making a Murderer.

Uh, she saysshe's a huge true-crime buff.

You know,like the double-homicide

her dad helped O.J. Simpsonget away with, for instance.

-CAPATCH: Consider that...-(audience groaning)

But, uh...well, it happened.

-(applause)-FERO: Oh, no!

I chose to let it go.


But I like to thinkthat pretty soon

she'll stop watching true crimesand start solving true crimes.

-OSWALT: Oh.-Right?

Comedians, what's a mystery thatKim Possible could solve?

-Patton. -The case of where doesthe sun go in the night time.

It's now time for tonight's#HashtagWars.

(cheers and applause)

I'm super excited

'cause now you goddamnmillennials'll get to see

what dad's all jacked up about.

The X-Files finally returnsto television this Sunday.

-(applause and cheering)-Nice!

-HARDWICK: Oh.-Bravo.

This show was so good,it inspired a whole generation

to believe bat (bleep)conspiracy theories.

You can thank Agent Fox Mulderfor every Twitter user

who broke a massive 9/11cover-up wide open, but

can't figure out how to changetheir picture from an egg.

-FERO: "Ask Obama?" -We're gonnacome up with some more

X-Files worthyconspiracy theories

with tonight's hashtag:#5WordConspiracies.


Examples might be MichaelJackson faked the moon walk.

Or Donald Trump is actuallyMexican. Hmm? Think about it.

-OSWALT: Hmm. -I'm gonna put 60seconds on the clock and begin.

Uh, Patton.

The Revenant bearis Bill Cosby.


Oh. And he's just wearinga big ol' Cosby sweater.

-It's a big ol' costume.-Yeah. Uh, Shelby.

Uh, 9/11 was inside Steve Jobs.

-All right, points.-Oh.


Jews control weatherand traffic.

All right, points.


I'm Hitler.Shh, don't tell.

All right, points.Patton.

Jews, Jews, Jews, Jews, Beyoncé.

Points. Blaine.

They faked the Knots Landing.

You know what,no points, Blaine.

-Wow. -No, no. No pointsfor a Knots Landing reference.

-Patton.-A five-word sentence

can actually containmore than five words

and in some cases 17.

All right.That is very well done, points.

Yes, Patton.

JFK was killed by Chipotle.

It is time to playThe Symptoms. The Symptoms.

-CHORUS: ♪ The Symptoms -WOMAN: (coughs)

-Yeah.-Very nice.

Who needs a doctor to tell youthat a zit on your back

is cancer when Googlewill do that for you?

Just type in your symptomsand good old Goog

will provide a soothingwatercolor

of rare, exotic diseasesthat you wish you had,

but probably don't have.You're probably okay.

So comedians, I'm gonna show youa Google illustration

of some sick sickiesand their symptoms

and for 250 points I want youto tell me what they have.

All right, first up, this one...

looks a little swollen.I don't know what that is.

What is that?Uh, Shelby.

Oh, she used to beso cute syndrome.


Points. Blaine.

Well, obviously, Chris, thisyoung girl filled up on glands.

-All right, points.-I'm... Chris, Chris,

I'm-I'm kidding, I'm kidding.Uh, this child

-has terminal mom haircut.-All right, points.


-Terminal?-She does.

Uh, Patton.

Chipotle cheek.

All right, points to Patton.

Next one, this one...

Well, this looks fun.Patton.

Cancer of the snuggles.

-Oh...-It's incurable.

He's got a little cancerto snuggle!

If your snugglelasts more than four hours...

-That is... Oh, you...-Points. Shelby.

Aw, he's got a bad case of thefirst ten minutes of Up, Chris.

-Yeah, all right, points.OSWALT: Oh...

-No, you don't.-Yes!

-And she does.-All right, next one.

Next one.This one looks uncomfortable.

Uh, Patton.

Early onset Ted Cruz.

That's not curable.I don't think that's curable.

-It's really... Poor kid.-Yeah, you're right.

You're right.It-it spreads easily.

-It, uh, really does.-Yeah.

At least that'swhat your mother said.


Oh, snap!


My mom will totally (bleep) youby the way. I don't know if...

-Oh, okay.-All right.

Well then, good-bye. I...

(whooping, applause)

The... Sorry, the joke was

that I left to (bleep) your mom.

No, the joke wasthat you did it that fast.

-Oh... Mm...-Oh.


Well, Chris, I don't knowabout these kids,

but it looks like their fatherhas explosive diarrhea.

FERO:He's just smiling through it.

I'm kidding, Chris.

They have leukemia.

It's time for our next game,

Cloudy With a Chance of (bleep).Cloudy With a Chance of (bleep).


Internet trends--they come and they go,

but one genre of videothat is as popular today

as it was in the dark agesof dial-up

is the local news blooper.

I'm gonna show youa local news person

about to make a little oopsieand for 250 points

you have to tell me what thatoopsie is gonna be.

First up, this news boob--

does he accidentallycall his cameraman "Mommy"

or he gets attackedby a giant bug?


I'm gonna go with bug.He's on the beach.

-They're there. Two and two.-Let's find out.

This, uh... Aah!

Oh, oh!What is that?

That's because it's hot outside.

-Did he startturning into a werewolf? -Yeah.

Like, the...

Next one, this next clue

pertains to the manon the left's crotch.

Does he wet his pantswhen the snake starts to rattle

or does his penis get attackedby a lizard?

Either way we're going to win.

Uh, Patton.

Uh, okay, his penis is gonnaget attacked by a lizard.

Let-Let's hope so.

Texas rat snakes are gonna beone of the largest snakes

that you findin the Metroplex area.

-Did someone throw...-I think he was just

getting excited because he wasabout to save a lot of money

on car insurance.

-That's bad Geico marketing.-Wow.

-That's bad.-All right, next one.

What about thiscasually-dressed Canadian?

Does he start swearingin two different languages

or get hit with a fallingpiece of ceiling?

-FERO: Oh.-Blaine.

Uh, it would be delightful

to see somebody get hit with afalling piece of ceiling, Chris.

-OSWALT: It would.-All right, let's see.

FERO:It's like they go together.

(speaking French)


-Is, uh...-What?

Is he dead?Did he die?

I... Uh...

he's probably fine.

Next up, this Doppler dork.Does he call his producer

a "scoundrel" or freak outat a cockroach in a studio?

Patton Oswalt.

That's gonna bea cockroach freak-out.

Let's find out.

Oh, God, is that...

Oh, my God, no, no, no!

Oh, my God!Oh, no!

-Wow. -I mean,that's the right reaction.

-I'm not mad about his reaction.-It's a good rea... Yeah.

And, in (bleep) Florida...there's a...

Your lives are in danger,but let me sing Prince's "Kiss."

As we go to our next game,Redneck Recipes.

Redneck Recipes.

Anyone's game!

Be fast on the buzzers!

If your blood pressure rosea little bit today,

that's 'cause it's, uh,feathered stick of butter

-Paula Deen's birthday!Over the... -Yeah.

-over the years, the FoodNetwork host has created -God.

some truly disturbing dishes,

like the Lunch Lady'sBrunch Burger,

-which is a bacon-egg burgerwith donuts as the buns. -Ooh.

Only for us ladies though.

Oh, for the ladies.

The last thing you ever eat.

I can't believeshe got the diabetes. So...

Comedians, in honor of her,please give me

as many redneck recipesas you can.

Examples might betrailer park mix

and a meth reduction sauce.Let's begin.

-Shelby. -A flambé-ently gay sonthat we don't talk about.

Points. Shelby.

Uh, Ku Klux clam sauce.

Yes, points. Blaine.

Jeff-ducken.That's a duck inside a chicken

shoved into Jeff.

All right, points. Patton.

Uh, cousins in the same blanket.


Shelby. Shelby Fero.

Sorry. Sorry.

Uh, the Civil Warwas about steak's fries.

-All right, points.-Oh!

-Patton.-Lightly battered sister.

All right, points. Patton.

Uh, braised Dover solewith a pumpkin seed reduction

and a suncho...I'm kidding, meth!

All right, points. Blaine.

Uh, get-r-ducken.

That's a-a duckshoved inside a turkey

shoved inside a cable box.

-All right, points. Shelby.-Yeah.

You can pry this gunfrom my cold, dead hams.

Points. Blaine.

A sir-ducken. That's a, uh...

that's a duck shovedinside a chicken

shoved inside a turkeyand then knighted by the queen.

-All right, points. Yeah, that'sa... Delicious. -Very nice.