Tuesday, April 26, 2016

  • 04/26/2016

Sara Schaefer, Anthony Atamanuik and Jimmy Carr inspire millennials to vote, #MakeAMovieSick and discover who ruined an Internet dance craze.

With primariesacross the Northeast today,

one thing we're seeing more thanever before this election season

is hordes and hordes ofpumped-up millennial voters!

Which is why New Hampshire--or "Nampshire" as we call it--

had to ban ballot selfieslike these.

Uh, officials sayballot selfies could lead

to voter fraud and coercion,but how else

do you let your ex-boyfriendConnor know

you're doing just finewithout him,

and you're living your lifeand making America great again?

-(laughter)-That's how you do that.

Snapchat thought the same thing,

so they filed an Amicus brieflast week

defending ballot selfies.

For the record, Snapchat alsonever liked Connor,

-'cause he's a dick.(Bleep) him. -(laughter)

Snapchat's lawyers said,

"The ballot selfiecaptures the very essence

"of that political processas it happens,

"and thus, dramatizes the powerthat one person has

"to influence our government.

Also (bleep) Connor."

-I added the last part. Um...-(laughter)

So, what are you waiting for?Pull out a dick, snap a pic,

and then sendthe most patriotic selfie

you ever tookin your entire life!

And as silly as this may seem,I know how the power

of the Internet can be used toreach people and inspire them.

So, comedians,what are some other ways

to inspire millennialsto get out to vote? Sara.

The two choicesby each candidate

are "Yas, queen,"and "Bye, Felicia."

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Yes. Absolutely.

-(applause)-Anthony.

A free mustache waxwith every vote.

-HARDWICK: Yeah, absolutely.Yeah. -(laughter)

-You got to keep thosemustaches... -For the kids.

-For the kids. -The kids.-HARDWICK: Jimmy Carr.

-Vice President Kanye.-(laughter, applause)

HARDWICK:Right.

Because then you could havethe Kanye West Wing.

HARDWICK:Absolutely. Oh, and while

we're at it, let's make HoneyBoo Boo a Supreme Court justice.

It doesn't matterif she's not old enough.

Who gives a (bleep) anymore?Our country's a reality show.

The Running Man Challenge isthe latest dance craze

sweeping the Internet.

Here's what this looks like.

♪ I've been watching you

♪ At night I think of you

♪ I wantto be your lady, baby... ♪

(laughter)

-Wait.-(applause and cheering)

Wait!

This is not the Running Man!This is not the Run...

The Running Man is likewhen I was in college,

and you were like,"Yeah, (bleep)."

-(applause and cheering)-♪ Running man

♪ This is kind of fast,this is kind of fast... ♪

-Come on! This is the...-They don't even do it in class.

(applause and cheering continue)

Running Man--you're running in place.

This is a run.

This is... this is whatmillennials do.

-They just...-(laughter)

(Bleep) up everythingand make it lazier.

(laughter, Hardwick sighs)

I can't believe I justGrandpa Gen X yelled at someone

-about the Running Man.-(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

I think it's fun. I think...

You know what?

They're probably gonna tweakyour dosage.

-I think you're gonna be fine.-HARDWICK: Just a little bit.

Let me just do anotherlittle dose right here.

-SCHAEFER: Yeah.-Back of the neck.

This all startedwith college athletes

shaking their cut, hunky,often-shirtless thangs

to the R&B '90s hit "My Boo,"

which is also the songthat I lost my virginity to.

-(laughter, whooping)-No! I'm kidding.

The song I lost my virginity towas "Hotline Bling."

-2015 was the best!-(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

-I wonder what mine's gonna be.-(laughter)

HARDWICK:This trend has been

mostly delightful, but like all

small islandsof online coolness,

it's beenunceremoniously shanked

by a dagger madeof middle-aged lameness.

Uh, unlikewhat happened here earlier

which was ju... the best.

-(laughter)-Uh, so, comedians,

who killedthe Running Man Challenge?

Bon Jovi dancingwith Ellen DeGeneres,

or a South Carolinalocal news team?

Sara?

South Carolina local news team?

I believe you might be correct.Let's take a look.

♪ I wantto be your lady, baby... ♪

(laughter)

(laughter)

-Wow. -Well,that's the end of television.

(laughter)

I can't believe,who killed the running man,

the answerwas not Oscar Pistorius.

(laughter)

The creepiest thingabout this is the guy

that has the cardboard cutoutof his coworker right here.

That's not terrifying at all.

Even though Flesh Deborah won'thave anything to do with me,

I will give Cardboard Deborahmy seed.

(laughter)

And this (bleep) rose gardenright here,

-what's that all about?-I bet Cardboard Deborah

has seen some terrible things.

-Poor Cardboard Deborah.-I'll tell you one thing

about Cardboard Deborah--she's laminated.

(laughter)

Hundred points to Jimmy Carr.

It's now timefor our #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

All right, all right!It's not that great!

(laughter)

It's almost May--we're entering

what newyorkpost.comis already calling

the worst allergy season ever.

Pollen is everywhere,whether you want it or not.

It's kind of likenature's Kardashians.

So to get readyfor this sniffly time of year,

tonight's hashtagis MakeAMovieSick.

MakeAMovieSick.Examples might be...

Mad Cow: Furry Road, or:

10 Things I Hate About Gout.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Tony. -Driving Miss AIDSY.

-(laughter)-Points. Jimmy.

-There Will Be Blood... -Points.

in... in Your Stool.

-Yes.-(laughter)

-Tony. -Shingles All the Way.

Points.

-Jimmy. -Polio and Juliet.

Points. Tony.

Big Tumor in Little China.

Points. Jimmy Carr.

-Rosemary's Rabies. -Points.

-Sara. -Pinkeyes Wide Shut.

Points.

-Tony. -Herpes the Love Bug.

-Yes, points!-(laughter)

-Sara. -Beauty and the Yeast Infection.

-Points. Jimmy Carr.-(laughter)

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spina Bifida.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Sara. -Schindler's Listeria.

Points! Tony.

Crouching Typhoid, Hidden Dragon.

Points! Jim Carr.

-Lawrence of Malaria. -Yes, points.

Mark this day on your calendars,'cause something nice

actually happenedin meth country.

A Florida high school threwa senior prom for residents

at a local nursing home so thethe elderly could bust a move

and hopefully not a hip.

The theme was...the theme was Under the Sea.

and in parentheses "(Where MyFriends from the Titanic Are.)"

And... look how sweetthey are back there.

Look at this lady starringin a Far Side cartoon.

Wow, those are some GILFs.

I think those are some G-GILFs--

that is great-grandmotherthat, uh, you get in there.

I likes me a little bitof granny fanny. Oh, yeah.

That means somethingdifferent where he's from.

It means something differentover there.

Yeah, that's the front partover there.

-No, it means what you thinkit means. -Oh, nice.

They nameda prom queen and king,

seen here right... This is...Prom... There's prom king.

-Uh...-ATAMANUIK: Oh, my God.

This, uh, this was shortly...right after

he orchestratedthe red wedding. Uh...