The Horror

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 05/21/2013

Amy gets a terrible haircut, farts when she gets scared and makes out with Amber Tamblyn.

I don't know, I've just neverreally been into porn.

I mean, the idea of people

getting paid tohave sex, it's just...

it's awful, it's neverever turned me on.

Totally, like, I hear you,but trust me this is--

It's just different.

It's not likeporny-porn, it's...

It feels likereal sex.

It just happensto be, literally,

from the woman'spoint of view.

I'm curious,I guess.Yeah.

( bed springs squeaking )( man groaning )


( bed springs squeaking )

( phone ringing )


( man grunting )

( man )Move down, move down.

Move down, move down.

( woman )Ow, you're on my hair.

Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Did you ever see thatmovie, "Spanglish"?


Call meAdam Sandler.

Can you-- can you--

Move your--bend your leg back more?


Oh, all right,sorry.

Okay, okay,okay, okay, okay.



( exhaling )

Oh... oh...

Don't, don't,don't, don't, don't.


( man ) Can I get a $75 bid now?

At $75...

Did you showme this so

I would thinkguys were gross

and I would lez-outwith you?

It worked.


( Amy )This haircut is a disaster.

You'll be hearing frommy lawyer, okay.

I'm gonna shut thisentire operation down.

Oh, God.I'm so sorry.

I didn't see you.No, it's fine,I'm sorry.

Let me help you.

This-- thisis mine.

Oh, right,I'm sorry.

Uh, this is weird.

I never do thisbut...

I love your hair.

Oh, really, no.

I think it'sthe most amazing hairdo

I've ever seenin my life.

What would you evencall a shape like that?

Oh, I...a circle?

Okay, yeah,yeah, I see that now.

A hair circle.

Huh, well...

I guess I love haircircles, who knew?

Life is so full oflessons and surprises.

Do you wanna grabcoffee or something?

Uh, yes,yes, I would.


I'm Amy.

Oh, it's niceto meet you.

I can't believe youlike my perm.

I was reallymad about it.


Oh, wow, cool dog.

Is thata permanent dog?

What?Come here.

I love you.I love you.

Hi, you're the mostbeautiful thing

I've everseen in my life.

Yes, you are.

I love yourhair circle.

Does he go toa salon to get this done?

Look at the goldenlight on you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I love you.


And he's like really,really hot.

So what's the catch?

I think he may onlybe interested in me

becauseI have this perm.

You're being crazy.

I don't know.

So then I said,

"You, sir,may sit on my face."

( all laughing )

And then what didyour perm say, Angie?


I mean, what didyour dad say, perm-perm?


Yeah, no...

He's only interested inyou because of your perm.

Also, I think he thinksyour name is Angie.

He definitely thinksmy name is Angie.

What should I do?

He's really hot.

I know.



my life has changed sincethe day I ran into you...

and your perm.

And I think it's timethat you and I became...

... permanent.

Oh, my God!


Oh, baby.

Oh, my God!

What the hell?!What's wrong?

What happened?!

What, my hair?Yes!

It grows out, what'swrong with you?

It's calleda permanent.

They just callit that.

It's so fucked up!Wait, what?!

God, it's sofucking ugly!


( screaming )

What's wrongwith you?

( screaming )

Oh, no!

My head.I'm so sorry,come here.


Give me the ring.


Cliff, are youcoming back?


So, Kareem, you havea huge penis.


Um, at what agedid you realize

that your penis wasbigger than other peoples?

I was watchinga television show, um...

AKA, a Triple-X movie.

A television show--you're watching porn, okay.

And I noticedthat mine

was the same sizeas a grown man.

And how oldwere you?

I was in my teens,I was probably like 14.

What worddo you say?

I say, like, penisor ( bleep )

if I'mfeeling comfortable.

I have the nameMr. Manhattan, so...

Do you call yourpenis Mr. Manhattan?

Mr. Manhattan.

It's a star.

It sounds likea star.

Have you ever beennervous for a girl to see,

or are you alwayspretty excited?

I've heard, "Wow!"

You knowwhat I mean?

You know,yeah, yeah...Hey!

( laughing )That kind of a...

Yeah, you couldhit a high...

♪ Whoo Oh, wow.

So peoplefind the Lord

in your underwear.Doves will release...

Pigeons will releaseinto the air.

You changed it from doves topigeons, you downsized it?

Have you evershowed it to a girl

and she just startedcrying?


Do you wanna see ifthat happens right now?

No, just kidding.

Does it take you longer tojerk off than other guys?

Jerk off chronicles-- um,ended in my earlier stages.

You never jerk off?

No, not now, no.

Why, is ittoo hard?

You need like a teamof experts to come in?

Well...They're like,heave-ho...

Um...( laughing )

What's going onwith your balls?

Are they-- arethey bigger?

Um, it's perfect, actually.

You know what I mean,it's like, um...

a hot dog with two meatballs,you know what I mean?

That doesn'tsound perfect.

They're fantastic,my balls are fantastic.

I do notdoubt that.

What are theirnames?

Hoboken and Secaucus?

( laughing )

Do you get excitedwhen you find out

a girl hasa big ( bleep )?


Yeah, that doesn'texcite me.

You're not like, "Oh, you'refinally gonna go home"?

You know,you don't say like,

"Oh, we found a placefor you, boy"?

Have you evertried anal?

And whereis she buried?

That's hilarious.

( laughing )