CC Presents: Jimmy Dore

  • 04/08/2004

ALRIGHT, WELL IT'S GREAT TO BE

HERE IN NEW YORK CITY.

I WAS JUST IN WISCONSIN TELLING

JOKES.

AND-- YEAH, ACTUALLY I WORK A

LOT IN WISCONSIN 'CAUSE LET'S

FACE IT, I HAVE A GREAT AGENT.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT GET THIS.

EVERYBODY UP IN WISCONSIN TOLD

ME, THEY GO IF YOU'RE GONNA BE

DRIVIN' AROUND WISCONSIN YOU

HAVE TO GET A DEER WHISTLE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE?

YOU PUT 'EM ON THE FRONT OF YOUR

CAR AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO KEEP

THE DEER OUT OF THE WAY OF YOUR

CAR AT NIGHT.

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "HEY, YOU

BETTER GET A DEER WHISTLE.

HEY, YOU BETTER GET A DEER

WHISTLE."

I'M LIKE, "HEY, I DON'T WANNA

CALL A DEER."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY GO, "NO, WE PUT THE

DEER WHISTLES ON THE FRONT OF

THE CAR."

I'M THINKIN' THAT'S SICK.

[LAUGHTER]

POOR DEER.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THEN THEY TOLD ME WHAT IT WAS,

SO I WAS LIKE, "ALRIGHT."

SO I GO IN TO BUY, THE LADY'S

SHOWIN' IT TO ME.

I GO, "HEY, COULD YOU TURN IT

ON?

I'D LIKE TO HEAR IT."

SHE GOES, "IT'S ON RIGHT NOW."

[LAUGHTER]

"WELL, IT MUST BE BROKEN.

'CAUSE I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING."

SHE SAYS, "NO, A DEER'S EARS ARE

SO SENSITIVE IT COULD PICK IT

UP."

YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S WHY A DEER

CAN'T HEAR...

[HONKING HORN NOISE]

[LAUGHTER]

[MAKES HORN NOISE]

LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[HONKS HORN]

[APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU GUYS GOT IT, THAT'S

GOOD.

YOU HAVE A NICE SENSE OF HUMOR.

THAT'S IMPORTANT IN A COMEDY

SHOW.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY

PEOPLE SHOW UP WITHOUT THEIRS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M ALWAYS A LITTLE WORRIED

ABOUT THE CROWD.

YOU NEVER KNOW, YOU KNOW.

REMEMBER HOW YOU GUYS WERE

WORRIED ABOUT IF I WAS GONNA

SUCK?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT IT REALLY WORKED OUT FOR US

TONIGHT I THINK.

[LAUGHTER]

I ALWAYS GET A LITTLE WORRIED

BEFORE A SHOW.

I DID A SHOW AT A COLLEGE NOT

TOO LONG AGO.

IT WAS ACTUALLY A PRIVATE SHOW

FOR A FRATERNITY.

AND THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME 'CAUSE

I TOLD 'EM I WAS NEVER IN A

FRAT, YOU KNOW?

AND I COULD HAVE BEEN IF I'DA

JUST HELD THAT EGG IN MY ASS

EIGHT SECONDS LONGER.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE, "OH, NO!

[LAUGHTER]

NOW HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE

FRIENDS?"

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY TIME I DO A SHOW AT A

COLLEGE, I ALWAYS MEET ONE OF

THOSE SUPER ACHIEVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?

PEOPLE THAT BRAG THEY'RE GETTING

OUT OF COLLEGE EARLY.

IS THAT THE WORD?

YOU HEAR SOMEONE DO THAT?

"YEAH, I'M GONNA TAKE A DOUBLE

LOAD NEXT SEMESTER.

I'M GONNA GO DOUBLE, I'M GONNA

DOUBLE UP.

[LAUGHTER]

GONNA GO TO SUMMER SCHOOL,

I'M GONNA TAKE CLASSES 8 TO 5

EVERY DAY.

I'M OUT OF COLLEGE IN THREE

YEARS.

FOUR-YEAR DEGREE, THREE YEARS!

I'M OUT, GOOD-BYE!"

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, SLOW DOWN SPEED RACER.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S NOT A CONTEST.

YOU DON'T GET A PRIZE IF YOU

FINISH COLLEGE FIRST.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GET?

A JOB AND A BOSS.

YOU FRICKIN' LOSE!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHO IS ADVISING THESE KIDS,

YOU KNOW?

WHAT ARE THEY THINKIN'?

"OOH, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET UP

EXTRA EARLY EVERY DAY FOREVER!"

[LAUGHTER]

SHIRT AND TIE, RUSH HOUR

TRAFFIC, CUBICLE, BOSS

BITCHIN' AT ME, CASUAL FRIDAY,

LOOK OUT!

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T WAIT TO BE CASUAL.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK THAT'S FUNNY, GROWNUPS

LOOKIN' FORWARD TO CASUAL

FRIDAY.

I FIGURE THERE'S GOTTA BE ONE

GUY REALLY INTO IT, YOU KNOW?

HE'S AT HOME WITH A CALENDAR.

"WEDNESDAY'S DONE.

[LAUGHTER]

ONE MORE DAY AND THEN LOOK OUT.

I HAVE GOT A POLO SHIRT THAT'S

GONNA TAKE THEIR [BLEEP] HEADS

OFF.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO, LADIES, WOULD YOU LIKE

TO MEET MY FRIEND RALPH?

RALPH LAUREN.

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME I SHOULD

TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY ON STAGE

'CAUSE IT'S INTERESTING TO THEM.

BUT IT'S MOSTLY STUFF I'D RATHER

FORGET 'CAUSE I COME FROM A BIG

FAMILY, YOU KNOW?

TWELVE KIDS IN MY FAMILY.

WHENEVER I TELL THAT TO PEOPLE,

THEY ALWAYS GO, "WOW, 12 KIDS.

WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?"

HORRIBLE, A LOT OF PEOPLE NOT

ENOUGH FOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THEY TRY TO MAKE IT NICE.

THEY GO, "WELL, YOU LEARN A LOT

ABOUT LIFE GROWIN' UP IN A BIG

FAMILY, DON'T YA?"

YEAH, I LEARNED I'M REPLACEABLE.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE IF I DIED, IF MY MOM WOULD

BE SITTIN' AROUND WITH ALL MY

BROTHERS AND SISTERS, "OH, NO!

WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOW WITH JUST

THE 11 OF YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DO YOU FILL THE EMPTY 1/12th

OF YOUR HEART?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND MY PARENTS WERE GREAT

PARENTS, THEY RAISED 12 KIDS,

GOD BLESS 'EM.

I CAN'T EVEN TEACH MY DOG

TO SIT.

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

BUT THEY WOULD HIT US FOR

DISCIPLINE, YOU KNOW 'CAUSE

WE GREW UP REALLY POOR.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW,

BUT POOR PEOPLE BEAT THE [BLEEP]

OUT OF EACH OTHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S OUR MAJOR MOTIVATIONAL

TOOL.

[LAUGHTER]

WORKS FOR EVERYTHING.

"GO TO SCHOOL!

DO YOUR HOMEWORK!

SIT UP STRAIGHT!"

CAN'T YOU JUST ASK ME?

[LAUGHTER]

"DON'T TALK BACK."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HIT YA TO GO TO SLEEP.

"GO TO SLEEP!"

OH, NOTHIN' MAKES YA SLEEPIER

THAN A GOOD CRACK.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, I'M SLEEPY NOW.

IF I WAKE UP, TAKE A SWING AT

ME.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME

WOOZY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I HATED GETTIN' HIT AS A

KID, BUT WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO?

YOU KNOW WE ALL GET THROUGH IT.

AND NOW AS A GROWNUP, IF SOMEONE

HITS THEIR KID IN FRONT OF ME

IT'S ALWAYS AWKWARD.

I NEVER KNOW IF I SHOULD SAY

SOMETHIN'.

LIKE I WAS IN AN AIRLINE

TERMINAL ONE TIME, THIS LADY'S

HITTIN' HER KID.

HE WAS LIKE FIVE.

SHE WAS HITTIN' HIM THEN SHE

STARTS SWEARIN'.

I FINALLY GO, "HEY, CUT IT OUT,

WHAT ARE YA DOIN'?"

SHE GOES, "NO, YOU GOTTA HIT

'EM.

MAKES 'EM GOOD PEOPLE."

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YEAH?

HOW MANY PUNCHES WOULD IT TAKE

TO MAKE YOU A DECENT HUMAN

BEING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TURNS OUT 80.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

AND NOW I GO TO SOME OF MY

BROTHERS' HOUSES, SOME OF MY

BROTHERS HIT THEIR KIDS, WHICH

IS WEIRD.

I GO, "TONY, DON'T YOU REMEMBER

HOW MUCH YOU HATED THAT?"

HE GOES, "NO, IT'S OKAY TO HIT

'EM IF YOU'RE NOT ANGRY.

I READ IT IN A BOOK."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M THINKIN' WOW, WHAT A WEIRD

TIME TO START READING.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER HEAR PEOPLE GIVE THAT

ADVICE?

"IF YOU'RE GONNA HIT YOUR KIDS,

MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT ANGRY.

THAT'S WHEN IT'S WRONG.

DON'T CROSS THE LINE.

DON'T BE ANGRY IF YOU HIT 'EM."

OF COURSE YOU'RE ANGRY, THAT'S

A PROPER EMOTION THAT GOES WITH

HITTING.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT KIND OF A NAZI TRICK ARE

YOU SUPPOSED TO PULL OFF,

YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, WHO IS SITTIN' AROUND

LAUGHIN' THEIR ASS OFF AND THEN

THEY DECIDE TO START BEATIN'

THE HELL OUT OF THEIR OWN KID?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S HORRIBLE.

YOU WANNA SCREW A KID UP,

GIGGLE WHILE YOU'RE HITTING 'EM.

[LAUGHTER]

[HITTING SOUND]

[GIGGLES]

I MEAN, HOW DOES THAT WORK

EXACTLY?

"OH, YOU DID IT THIS TIME,

BUDDY!

YOU WAIT TILL I'M IN A GOOD

MOOD!"

[LAUGHTER]

Jimmy Dore: BUT MY MOM WAS

TYPICAL MOM, RIGHT?

SHE HATED THE MUSIC WE LISTENED

TO, WHICH MAKES IT MORE FUN.

SHE WOULD GO, "YOU KNOW, ALL

THEY DO IS TALK ABOUT SEX IN

YOUR MUSIC.

SEX, SEX, SEX.

THERE'S A LOT MORE TO LIFE THAN

SEX, JIMMY.

SOMEDAY YOU'RE GONNA FIND THAT

OUT."

"MOM, YOU HAD 12 KIDS.

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THE PERSON."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

NOT GONNA TAKE DRIVIN' TIPS FROM

TED KENNEDY, ARE YA?

I DON'T THINK SO.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, YOU THINK JOHN F. KENNEDY

EVER SAID, "MAN, I NEED ANOTHER

PARADE LIKE I NEED A HOLE IN MY

HEAD," SERIOUSLY?

[GROANING]

NO, NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT, STILL TOO SOON.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S MY BAD.

I WAITED THE STANDARD 40 YEARS,

BUT APPARENTLY I CROSSED THE

LINE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THEY TOLD ME BEFORE I CAME OUT,

HE SAID, "JIM, CROWD'S A LITTLE

SENSITIVE TONIGHT.

BETTER NOT DO THAT KENNEDY JOKE.

TALK ABOUT LINCOLN, THEY'VE HAD

MORE TIME WITH THAT ONE."

[LAUGHTER]

KNOW IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE POOR

BECAUSE POOR PEOPLE PLAY A TRICK

ON THEIR KIDS.

THEY TELL 'EM THEY'RE MIDDLE

CLASS.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY POORER

THAN US.

I'M LIKE, "MOM, WE'RE POOR,

AREN'T WE?"

"NO, WE'RE MIDDLE CLASS.

DRINK YOUR POWDERED MILK AND

SHUT UP."

[LAUGHTER]

"WOW, POWDERED MILK.

WHAT ARE POOR PEOPLE DRINKIN'?"

"JUST THE POWDER."

[LAUGHTER]

DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

BUT I DON'T KNOW, THE WORST

PART ABOUT GROWIN' UP POOR WAS

THE HORRIBLE CLOTHES I HAD TO

WEAR.

EVERYTHING I WORE WAS HANDED

DOWN; I HAD SIX OLDER BROTHERS.

AND WHENEVER I DID GET SOMETHIN'

NEW TO WEAR, MY DAD WOULD TAKE

ME CLOTHES SHOPPIN' AT THE SEARS

OUTLET.

NOT SEARS!

THE SEARS OUTLET!

THE STUFF THAT COULD SELL AT

FRICKIN' SEARS!

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I WAS STYLING IN MY

IRREGULARS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "JIMMY,

IS THAT A TRIPLE BREASTED SUIT

YOU'RE WEARING?"

[LAUGHTER]

"HORIZONTAL PLEATS, TOO, MO-FO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY DAD LOVED FINDIN' IRREGULARS,

YOU KNOW?

IT WAS LIKE HIS WAY OF SCREWIN'

THE MAN.

IF HE FOUND AN IRREGULAR

HE LIKED, HE WON THAT DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'D BRAG ABOUT IT AT BARBECUES.

"LOOK, IT'S AN IRREGULAR.

HA-HA, CAN'T EVEN TELL!"

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE ARE LIKE "THERE'S A BIG

SEAM DOWN THE MIDDLE.

I COULD TELL.

YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT."

"YEAH, HALF PRICE.

WHO'S THE IDIOT NOW?"

[LAUGHTER]

"STILL YOU."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

EQUIVALENT OF DORKY CLOTHES IS

TO GET YOUR CREDIT CARD

DECLINED.

THAT'S THE WORST FEELING.

EVERYBODY REACTS THE SAME WAY.

GUY GOES, "YOUR CREDIT CARD'S

BEEN DECLINED."

[GASPS WITH SARCASM]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THAT'S WEIRD 'CAUSE I JUST

USED IT.

[LAUGHTER]

COULD YOU RUN IT THROUGH AGAIN?"

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

"COULD YOU RUN IT THROUGH AGAIN

AND PROLONG THIS HUMILIATION?"

[LAUGHTER]

JUST ONE TIME I'D LIKE TO SEE

SOMEBODY TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

FOR THAT.

WOULDN'T THAT BE NOVEL?

GUY GOES, "HEY, YOUR CREDIT

CARD'S BEEN DECLINED."

"YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE BEEN [BLEEP] UP FOR QUITE

A WHILE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN

WEEKS AGO, SERIOUSLY.

[LAUGHTER]

I STOPPED PAYIN' THAT BEFORE

I WENT INTO DETOX, ARE YOU

KIDDING?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND I DON'T KNOW, THE WORLD'S

CHANGIN'.

I REMEMBER A TIME YOU USED TO

HAVE TO BE A MOTORCYCLE GANG

MEMBER OR A FELON TO GET A

TATTOO.

NOW EVERYONE GETS TATTOOS,

IT KINDA TAKES THE FUN OUT OF

IT.

CERTAINLY THE DANGER IS GONE

WHEN LIBRARIANS ARE SPORTIN'

TATS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT THAT I'VE EVER SEEN A

LIBRARIAN WITH A TATTOO,

BUT I'M SURE SOMEWHERE THERE'S

GOTTA BE A COUPLE.

LIKE WHAT KIND OF A TATTOO

WOULD A LIBRARIAN GET,

YOU THINK, YOU KNOW?

"BOOKS KICK ASS."

[LAUGHTER]

"SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP AND READ."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

AND I DON'T WANNA SOUND LIKE

AN OLD MAN.

"OH, THE KIDS TODAY WITH THE

HAIR AND THE CLOTHES."

BUT I DON'T REALLY LIKE WHEN

WOMEN GET TATTOOS, IT DOES NOT

TURN ME ON--

I MEAN, IT'S NOT A DEAL BREAKER,

HOLY CRAP.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WHY IS THIS SUCH A POPULAR

SPOT?

YOU EVER NOTICE?

LIKE HAVE TO GET TOP OF THE

BUTT, GOES ALL THE WAY ACROSS.

CAN I JUST SAY THIS TO THOSE

WOMEN?

THE FEMALE ASS NEEDS NO DRESSING

UP.

[LAUGHTER]

IF I'M BACK THERE, I'M HAPPY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOUR ASS IS PERFECT THE WAY GOD

MADE IT!

YOU DON'T PUT A BUMPER STICKER

ON A ROLLS ROYCE.

LEAVE IT THE HELL ALONE ALREADY!

[LAUGHTER]

Jimmy Dore: SO WE'RE ALL GONNA

DIE.

I CAN'T STOP THINKIN' ABOUT IT.

AND--

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE JUST--

EVERY ONE OF US, WE'RE ALL GONNA

DIE.

AND I WAS READIN' THIS ARTICLE

ABOUT IT.

AND THIS ARTICLE SAID THAT WE'RE

THE ONLY ANIMAL AWARE OF OUR OWN

DEATH.

SO WE DO A LOT OF THINGS, LIKE

WE INVENT RELIGION AND HEAVEN

TO MAKE IT EASIER TO DIE SO WE

DON'T GO KICKING AND SCREAMING

INTO OUR GRAVES, AND WE HAVE

DIGNITY AT THE END OF LIFE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, THAT

MAKES SENSE," YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE I WAS BROUGHT UP

CATHOLIC, RIGHT, SO I HAVE A LOT

OF HATE.

AND--

[LAUGHTER]

MY PARENTS WERE CATHOLIC,

THEY WERE REALLY CATHOLIC,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE THEY ALMOST MOLESTED

SOMEBODY.

AND--

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

YEAH.

[APPLAUSE]

CAN'T GET MUCH MORE CATHOLIC

THAN THAT, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S HARDCORE, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I MEAN, I'LL GO TO CHURCH ON

SUNDAY, BUT THAT'S WHERE I DRAW

THE LINE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WENT TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL

FOR 12 YEARS, YOU KNOW.

AND PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY TO ME,

THEY GO, "JIMMY, YOU WENT TO

CATHOLIC SCHOOL FOR 12 YEARS.

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT A CATHOLIC?"

SAY, "'CAUSE I WENT TO CATHOLIC

SCHOOL FOR 12 YEARS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD IT BEATEN OUT OF ME BY

GOD'S LITTLE HELPERS."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

I WAS TAUGHT BY THE NUNS.

BOY, THEY'RE A HAPPY-GO-LUCKY

BUNCH.

[LAUGHTER]

AND GET THIS, AT MY SCHOOL THEY

HAD THE RELIGIOUS TEACHERS,

RIGHT?

THEY HAD LIKE THE NUNS AND

STUFF.

AND THEY HAD THE NON-RELIGIOUS

TEACHERS, LIKE THE REGULAR

PEOPLE.

AND THEY MADE A LOT LESS MONEY

THAN THE PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHERS

DID, AND I KNOW THAT BECAUSE

THEY TOLD US EVERY DAMN DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'D BE LIKE "WE DON'T MAKE

AS MUCH MONEY AS THE PUBLIC

SCHOOL TEACHERS.

WE TEACH HERE BECAUSE WE ENJOY

THE DISCIPLINE THEY ALLOW US!"

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M THINKIN', "HOLY CRAP,

I'M IN TROUBLE."

[LAUGHTER]

HERE IS SOMEONE WILLING TO TAKE

A CUT IN PAY...

[LAUGHTER]

SO THEY CAN HIT ME!"

HOW SICK IS THAT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT KIND OF AN INTERVIEW

WAS THAT LIKE?

"AH, WE CAN'T PAY YOU MUCH."

"CAN YA HIT 'EM?"

[LAUGHTER]

"AH, YEAH."

"HOW HARD?"

[LAUGHTER]

"HARD AS YOU WANT, JUST DON'T

BE ANGRY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT RELIGION, I DON'T KNOW,

RELIGION'S A GOOD THING BUT

NOBODY REALLY FOLLOWS IT,

EVEN THE POPE, RIGHT?

I MEAN, PEOPLE ARE ONLY

RELIGIOUS WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT.

LIKE FOR INSTANCE, LIKE THE IRAQ

WAR.

YOU COULD BE FOR THE IRAQ WAR,

YOU COULD AGAINST THE IRAQ WAR,

IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

BUT I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS

FUNNY WHEN PEOPLE WERE

CHRISTIANS FOR THE WAR, WHICH

IS WEIRD 'CAUSE YOU KNOW JESUS

REALLY GAVE ONE COMMANDANT.

HE SAID, "LOVE YOUR ENEMY,"

RIGHT?

"OH, WELL, WE DO LOVE THEM.

AND THEN WE KILL 'EM.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S MUCH HARDER THAT WAY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WE ARE WILLING TO MAKE

THAT CHRISTIAN SACRIFICE."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ABOUT "THOU SHALT NOT

KILL?"

THAT'S PRETTY CLEAR.

[THUMP]

"THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T READ THE BIBLE MUCH.

IT MEANS DON'T KILL 'EM, YEAH,

THAT'S WHAT-- BUT, YOU KNOW,

THEN YEAH, YOU CAN KILL 'EM."

[LAUGHTER]

REALLY?

HOW 'BOUT PRO-DEATH PENALTY

CHRISTIANS.

TO ME, THAT'S THE ULTIMATE IRONY

SEEIN' THAT JESUS REALLY CAUGHT

THE SHORT END OF THE STICK OF

THAT CAPITAL PUNISHMENT HIS

FIRST TIME HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'LL BE AN AWKWARD MEETING

IN HEAVEN, THE PRO-DEATH PENALTY

CHRISTIAN AND JESUS.

BE LIKE, "HEY, YOU GUYS, GOOD TO

SEE YA.

DO YOU REMEMBER THIS?

[LAUGHTER]

TURNS OUT I'M AGAINST IT.

BAH-HA-HA!

[LAUGHTER]

I MADE 'EM.

I'LL TAKE 'EM OUT.

THANKS FOR THE HELP, THOUGH."

PEOPLE GO--

IT'S A BIG CONTROVERSY NOW.

A LOT OF STATES ARE STOPPIN' IT.

BUT I ALWAYS FELT LIKE IF YOU

KILLED SOMEONE, YOU DESERVE TO

DIE.

HOW CLEAR COULD THAT BE, RIGHT?

AND THEN ONE NIGHT AFTER A SHOW,

THIS LADY COMES UP TO ME, AND

SHE GOES, "IT'S NOT THAT THEY

DON'T DESERVE TO DIE, THEY

DESERVE IT.

BUT WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO

DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL AND BECOME

JUST LIKE THEM.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SET A EXAMPLE

OF HOW TO HANDLE OUR PROBLEMS,

NOT APE CRIMINALS' POOR

CHOICES."

AND I HATE WHEN SOMEONE'S

SMARTER THAN ME.

AND--

[LAUGHTER]

AND I STARTED THINKIN' ABOUT

THAT.

LIKE WHY DON'T WE DO THAT--

LIKE IF WE'RE GONNA MURDER

MURDERERS, WHY DON'T WE RAPE

RAPISTS?

[LAUGHTER]

SOUNDS GOOD ON PAPER.

[LAUGHTER]

BET THERE'D BE A SHORT LINE

FOR THAT JOB.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THEY'D HAVE TO MAKE THE JUDGE

DO IT, AND THAT'D BE A RELUCTANT

GUILTY VERDICT, I'LL TELL YA

THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

"GUILTY.

GET HIM OVER HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DID IT THIS TIME, BUDDY.

HERE'S AN INCH AND A HALF OF

AMERICAN JUSTICE COMIN' AT YA

RIGHT HERE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT BEFORE I GO, LET ME MAKE

A LITTLE CONFESSION, AS LONG

AS WE'RE HERE I SAW THIS MOVIE

ABOUT THREE OR FOUR YEARS AGO,

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER IT.

IT'S CALLED THE TALENTED

MR. RIPLEY.

IT STARRED MATT DAMON.

WELL, YOU REMEMBER THE OTHER

GUY IN THAT MOVIE, JUDE LAW?

WELL, EVER SINCE I SAW THAT

MOVIE, I THINK I COULD BE QUEER

FOR HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW.

AND I HAVE NEVER HAD A

HOMOSEXUAL FEELING IN MY LIFE

THAT I HAVE EVER ACKNOWLEDGED.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, HE WAS BEAUTIFUL.

HE WAS PRETTIER THAN THE GIRLS

IN THAT MOVIE.

AND IT CAUGHT ME BY SURPRISE.

I'M WATCHIN' THE MOVIE AND I

FIND MYSELF GOIN', "I WONDER

WHAT HE'S GONNA WEAR IN THE NEXT

SCENE.

[LAUGHTER]

I HOPE IT'S LINEN.

OOH, IT'S A PANCAKE HAT AND A

SCOOTER!

FRICKIN' HOT, THIS GUY!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I KEPT IT INSIDE, MY OWN

LITTLE DIRTY SECRET, FOR YEARS.

THEN FINALLY A FEW MONTHS AGO,

I WAS AT LUNCH WITH MY BEST

FRIEND TIM.

I WAS LIKE I GOTTA TELL

SOMEBODY, GET IT OFF MY CHEST.

I GO, "TIM, I GOTTA TELL YOU

SOMETHIN'.

I THINK I COULD BE QUEER FOR

THAT GUY JUDE LAW."

[LAUGHTER]

HE GOES, "OH, I FEEL THE SAME

WAY ABOUT BRAD PITT."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS LIKE, "BRAD PITT.

THAT'S SO CLICHé."

[LAUGHTER]

HE SAYS, "NO, DID YOU SEE HIM IN

THELMA AND LOUISE?"

I GO, "YOU KNOW, I NEVER DID SEE

THAT MOVIE."

HE GOES, "HE WAS BEAUTIFUL IN

THAT MOVIE."

[LAUGHTER]

I GO, "MAYBE I JUST DON'T LIKE

BLONDES."

THEN I THOUGHT, "WHAT THE HELL

ARE WE TALKIN' ABOUT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Loading...