July 6, 2016 - Bassem Youssef

  • 07/06/2016

Barack Obama stumps for Hillary Clinton, and Larry discusses how Clinton's email scandal impacts her presidential bid with Bassem Youssef, Rory Albanese and Mike Yard.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much. -AUDIENCE(chanting): Larry! Larry!

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

They are correct.They are correct.

I am Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry,Larry, Larry, Larry, Lar...

Our good friend Bassem Youssefis here tonight, you guys.

-(cheering, applause)-I'm so excited.

He good. He good.

He good, y'all, he good.

All right, so, this morning,I'm having a little Morning Joe.

Watching a little Morning Joe

and I had a little momentof "whoa."

Guys, they put together amontage of Hillary's statements

about her e-mailsfrom a year ago

with the FBI director'sstatements from yesterday.

Ooh! Enjoy.

I thought it would be easierto carry just one device.

She also used numerousmobile devices

to send and to read e-mail.

...so that the e-mailswere immediately

captured and preserved.

There was no archivingat all of her e-mails.

There were no security breaches.

It is possible thathostile actors gained access.

There is noclassified materials.

110 e-mails containedclassified information.

Good morning.

Yes.

Good morning.

Oh, my God.

I... If they were that roughon Hillary on MSNBC,

I can't imagine what theywere doing over at Fox, right?

Oh, you know what,I think we have a shot

of the Fox Newscontrol room, actually.

(orchestral music soars)

Mm.

Man, this does notlook good for Hillary, you know.

She needs something bigto distract her

from all this, you know?

And you know what I always say,when you want to distract,

always go black.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God,she was on the Soul Plane?

♪ Go, Hillary,it's your birthday ♪

♪ Go, Hillary

Please join me in welcoming

the Presidentof the United States,

Barack Obama!

Oh, my God,look how happy she is.

I've never seen herso relieved, right?

Yes, the boss is hereto bail you out, Hillary.

I mean, look at that smile.

She's like a YouTube baby

watching a dogpop bubbles, right?

(giggling)

In this analogy,Hillary is the baby.

I just want to clear that up.

Just so you know.Just so you know.

Uh, by the way, that is thegreatest thing on the Internet.

So, yes, despite all thecontroversy

swirling aroundthe ex-secretary of state,

the president took to the mic

and becameher biggest cheerleader.

The bottom line is she wasa great secretary of state.

I don't know if that'sthe bott line.

Right? I...

I mean, we really need to lookat the entirety of her career.

Al Pacino may have beenbrilliant in The Godfather

and Dog Day Afternoon, but sadly,

that's not the bottom line.

I mean, have you seen Jack and Jill?

(bleep) pretty awful.

But the president...but the president forged ahead

and spoke movinglyabout Hillary's

capability for kindness.

I saw how she treated everybodywith respect,

even the folkswho aren't "important."

Folks who aren't "important"?

What's up with that?

"Hillary, uh, you wereso nice to that peasant.

I'm impressed. I'm impressed."

And the bottom line is she hadto do everything I had to do,

but she was like Ginger Rogers--

she had to do itbackwards in heels.

Backwards and in heels?

Actually, that would explainBenghazi and the e-mails,

when you think about it.If she was...

What, am I wrong? It would.

What? Come on.

-(cheering, applause)-No.

But... No, no, no.

But the president made it reallyclear that he is with her.

I have run my last campaign.

And I couldn't be prouder ofthe things we've done together,

but I'm ready to pass the baton.

And I know that Hillary Clintonis gonna take it.

You better (bleep) believeshe's gonna take it.

Oh! Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

You don't have to passthe baton, Mr. President.

In fact, you might want to checkyour pockets right now,

make sure you stillhave the baton.

I ha... What happenedto my baton, you guys?

But you know, you know what,but... I, you know,

I make fun, but I have to sayit's kind of nice

to see them together, you know?They fought so hard in 2008.

Man, you know, I wonderwhat President Obama

really thinks of all this.

Why am I...why am I thinking about it?

Why don't I just call him?

Right? Right?

(cheering, applause)

I mean... I mean, he is my boy.

I'll just usemy special black phone.

-(line ringing)-It-It's a red phone,

but the person on the other endis gonna be black, trust me.

Air Force One, this is Barack.

Hey, Mr. President. Uh,it's Larry Wilmore, your boy.

Oh, hey, Larry.

Uh, I'm just sitting here,uh, not smoking a cigarette.

Right. Right, right, right.

Hey, whatever you say, sir.Okay, so, yesterday

was your first dayof campaigning with Hillary.

So, how'd it go?

It was great.Uh, got up on stage,

uh, waved to the crowd,

-dropped some sick sound bites.-All right.

And then, uh, totally distractedthe American public

from the e-mail to the female,

which is Hillary Clinton.

Oh, nice.I like how you did that.

You've got some rhyme skills,Mr. President.

(short chuckle) No, Larry, I'vegot 197 days left in office.

At this point, if there wereless than zero (bleep) to give,

I'd have that.

Wow.

Really?

Yup. The Hillary folks needed meto serve as distracter-in-chief.

-Uh-huh. -And because of theblood pact I made with Hillary

-in 2008...-Blood pact?

Yeah. To get her to drop out,I had to do my part.

Now I can getmy third child back.

Oh, my... Thir... Third child?

You have...you have a third child?

Exactly.God bless those Clintons.

-Uh-huh?-Say what you want about 'em,

but they know howto honor a blood pact.

Wow.

I had no idea. Okay.

Okay, so, your jobwas to turn America's attention

away from the e-mail story,like, as quickly as possible,

and that's whyyou're stumping for her?

Yup. Americans love jiggly,shiny stuff.

-Uh-huh. -Remember that timeI hosted a beer summit?

Yeah, yeah, I remember.

I was tryingto distract everyone

while we replaced Vice PresidentBiden with an imposter.

-Wha...?!-(laughter)

Oh, my God.He's an imposter?

-This is way aboveyour security clearance. -Oh.

-Oh, okay.-Moving on.

All right, all right.

WOMAN:I'm gonna be president!

Hell, yeah!

Wait. Is Hillary on Air ForceOne with you right now?

Yup. I asked herto leave, and she won't.

(laughter)

It's getting really awkwardin here.

Oh. Oh, my God,she won't leave? Really?

Wha-What is she doing?

I-I think she's measuring stuff.

-Oh!-(laughter)

HILLARY: I can set upmy e-mail server over here!

OBAMA: No. That's what got youin trouble the last time!

HILLARY:Shut up! It's my plane!

OBAMA:She does not listen.

Oh. All right, Mr. President.

Well, good luck with that,and I hope you guys...

I hopeyou guys work things out.

HILLARY:Who are you talking to?!

WILMORE:Larry, I have to go.

Oh, okay.No problem, Mr. President.

Hey, man, you'll always be my...

(click, dial tone)

-Hello? Hello?-(laughter)

Hello?

I never get to finish that linewith him anymore!

President Obama,Secretary Clinton, everybody.

-We'll be right back. Hello?-(applause and cheering)

All right, welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Mike Yard.

(applause and cheering)

And Nightly Show contributorRory Albanese.

(applause and cheering)

And his new Fusion Web series,

The Democracy Handbook with Bassem Youssef,

will be availableto stream in its entirety

beginning Thursday,July 14, at Fusion Net.

Comedian Bassem Youssef!

(cheers and applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter @NightlyShowusing the hashtag #Tonightly.

Okay, so we showed thisearlier in the show.

A mash-up that Morning Joe didof Hillary talking

a year ago about her e-mails,

and the FBI's James Comeyreporting yesterday.

Check it out again.

I thought it would be easierto carry just one device.

She also used numerousmobile devices

to send and to read e-mail.

So that the e-mails were

immediately capturedand preserved.

There was no archivingat all of her e-mails.

There were no security breaches.

It is possible thathostile actors gained access.

There is no classifiedmaterials.

110 e-mails containedclassified information.

Good morning.

-(laughter) -It's just funnyevery time. -Yeah.

Uh, Bassem, you're asophisticated gentleman.

I'm going to ask you directly--did she lie?

Well, I can only think of onething as she's saying that--

"I did not have sexwith this woman."

-(laughter)-I mean she is ready...

WILMORE:That's what it feels like!

-She is ready to be president.-I know.

She is doingwhat presidents do best.

-WILMORE: Oh. Okay.-YARD: Yeah, right.

-They lie, and it works.-WILMORE: Yeah.

-Yeah.-And it worked for her. Denial.

-You just, like, yeah, deny.-WILMORE: Deny, deny, deny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,she's ready. She's ready.

-She's ready. -Right.That Eddie Murphy joke, right?

Just put herin the office already.

It's like that Eddie Murphy jokefrom Raw. "It wasn't me."

-Yeah.-Yeah, but isn't it...?

"I saw you (bleep) her!""It wasn't me."

-Yeah.-(laughter)

-And maybe it wasn't you.-WILMORE: Well, the old joke is

who are you gonna believe?Me or your lying eyes?

-YARD: Exactly.-ALBANESE: Yeah. -YOUSSEF: Yeah.

Isn't it...? Yeah, like,

they all lie,but isn't that like a...

a bad place we've gone tothat we accept that?

-Like, look at David Cameron.-YARD: I know. -Mm-hmm.

How cool was that? He's, like,"Yeah, I blew it. See ya."

Like, wow, that's cool.Why don't we ever get

-people like that? Who are like,"You know what?" -But-but...

-"I'm an asshole. I got to go."-But kind of that's the other...

That's the other sideof the spectrum.

-"Yeah, I screwed up. Sue me."-Mm-hmm. -Yeah.

-WILMORE: Right. -You can'tdo anything. I mean...

ALBANESE: Well, Trump willsue you just for saying it.

-Right. -But Trump is like,"Yeah, I'm a racist. Yeah."

-Mm-hmm. -Mm-hmm. Yeah.-And people love it.

-"Yeah." -YARD: It's amazing,though, how she looked at

that camera,there were no classified...

-WILMORE: Yeah.-I grew up with dudes

-that could look at you and lie,just lie. -Yeah. -Yeah.

And they all locked you,so it's even better.

-WILMORE: I feel like you kindof... Right. -(laughter)

-And by the way... -Yeah.I almost sense ad...

I almost sense admiration

-from this panel for it. -YARD:You know, listen, I'm not...

YOUSSEF:I'm just pragmatic.

-I understand. I get it.-She didn't forget, man.

-No.-She don't have a tell.

Do you know how much moneyshe can make playing poker?

-She don't have a (bleep) tell,dude. -She does not have a tell.

She already made enough moneyjust from,

like, giving a few speecheson Wall Street.

I don't know why

she doesn't just usethat grandma card again.

"I don't know how things work.

-I just don't know. I'ma grandma." -YARD: But, hey...

Hey, listen, first of all,that is...

I mean, people go,"I believe her." You know?

If she wasn't lying since 1975,the grandma excuse would work.

-I know, right?-Grandma-In-Chief here.

Plus, I feel like that'sdisrespectful to grandmas, okay?

-'Cause my mother's a grandma.-No... Yeah.

And she got bettere-mail security

-than (bleep) Hillary Clinton.-(laughter)

-Really? Really? -Really.You want to e-mail my mother,

-you got to e-mail my sister.-Yeah.

-My mother don't get (bleep)directly, dawg. -WILMORE: Yeah.

Come-come November,will the average person

even care about this typeof thing, do you think?

It's-it's just like elongatedas like a 57 playoff...

-Uh, it's-it's too long.-Yeah.

And I think you should profitfrom this,

kind of like sell tickets...

-Mm-hmm.-because everybody's

-watching you guysfrom out there. -Right.

-And I don't know why...-Yeah.

I mean, back there,

-where I come from,-Mm-hmm.

we just have a guywith a couple of tanks

and he just takes power.

-Yeah.-And he's there for life.

-It's simple.-And-and he's there for life.

-Ah. -That simple.-And-and-and, and that,

like a life presidencyis like first term.

-It's like that's it?-ALBANESE: Yeah.

And you guys are spendingthat much money,

-I know. -and you'reending up with Trump?

-I mean...-That's what I...

-No! -We just go therelike a soldier...

WILMORE: Wait, wait. Calm down.

We haven't ended upwith Trump yet.

-ALBANESE: No, but the thing...-You're close.

The thing you descri...the thing...

Bassem, the thing you describedis our Congress.

You know, we have them forever,you know.

-But they just don't have tanks.-YOUSSEF: It's time to extend it

-They have motorcades-to presidency.

that we pay for, you know.

What does the restof the world think of us

when they seeour political process,

especially this year?

Very entertainingand very disturbing.

And seriously, you, like,if you go to Times Square,

like those lines,if you just, like, sell tickets.

But like, this...seriously, guys,

I think the only peoplewho are profiting from this

-are the news networks.-Yeah, of course.

I mean, this is the only placewhere they have the rating.

-I mean, you need...-ALBANESE: By the way,

you have to say "news networks."

-Yeah, yeah, "news."-That's just the... yeah, yeah.

Y-You need a year and halfto know a candidate? Come on.

-WILMORE: Yeah.-ALBANESE: Yeah.

We already know they're (bleep).

Well, it's a big job,it's a big job.

-Do you need a year anda half... -Right.

...to know this?

They're already, like,

corrupted, lying, racist,xenophobic, whatever.

You-you don't need a yearand a half to know all of this.

Well, we need to find out...

we need to find out if the pieceof (bleep) lands on our side.

-Yeah.-That's what we're looking for.

We are really ina situation now,

like this Hillary thing,to me, is bad,

because I was leaningtowards Hillary,

'cause of Trump being horribleand then, now I'm like, oh!

You know, I think that'swhere everyone's at.

That's why the-the statwe had yesterday was,

I think, 13% of America

-is hoping for a-a meteor-WILMORE: Right.

to destroy Earth.

-That was...-And that's like...

-And I'm kind of like...-That was a true story.

I'm not lying, I'm kind of...

I'm kind of gettingon the bandwagon.

-You know?-Well, I'll be honest with you,

I was, I was happywhen Deez Nuts was trending.

Right?

Remember that?

-I would, I... -Say what--say what you want to be--

about Deez Nuts,but he, you know,

-they make some good points.-WILMORE: He had a shot.

-Deez Nuts.-But-but-but-but-but,

but-but-but seriously, you guys,

like, after just like a couple

of bad candidates and you'rew-wishing for a meteor?

I mean,welcome to the Middle East.

We're like, we are like...

WILMORE:It's so true.

We are screwed for decades!

WILMORE:Yeah, I know.

And it takes you justtwo candidates?

-WILMORE: You guys would,you guys would... -Come on.

-...love Donald Trump.-No!

I mean, already like-likesome Americans are like,

"Oh, we got to go to Canada."

ALBANESE:No, they're not.

YARD:Everybody always says that.

WILMORE:We're not going anywhere.

Oh, now-n-n-now you knowhow we feel.

Yeah, yeah.

So, you, maybe you shouldn'treject refugees.

Maybe you should sympathize.

You're like,"Okay, come in, come in."

I'm not, I'm not going anywhere.

I'm staying right here.

Well, everybody-everybodyalways threatens to go to Canada

and then they go to Canadaand they're like, (bleep).

Even America's betterthan Canada.

Brothers never threaten

-to go to Canada, man.-YARD: We ain't going nowhere.

Yeah, it's not like we're gonnablend in all of a sudden there.

YARD: Listen, we made itthrough slavery.

We gonna ride this (bleep) out.

(laughter)

We gonna ride it out.

-We'll see what's left.-(laughing): Yeah.

We'll see what's left here.

We ain't going nowhere.

Do you-- do you-- do you thinkwe'll see President Trump

because of all of this or...

-ALBANESE: No.-What-what do you think?

-Seriously.-Well, well...

okay, I mean, uh,eh, a-a part of me...

WILMORE:Uh-huh?

...says no, but, like,look at Brexit in Britain.

WILMORE:Right.

-I mean, they made it.-Yeah.

They made it.

So, don't underestimatethe power of hate and ignorance

and-and-and-and-and-and fear.

And or-- and just orange skin,you know.

YOUSSEF:Yeah, all right, yeah, yeah.

Or the orange menace,the orange hate...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.-...the orange fear.

WILMORE: Or-Orange makeseverything better.

Orange fear, oh, my God.

Isn't there-- that a weapon?

You just had a...

YOUSSEF:Agent Orange?

ALL:Agent Orange.

WILMORE:Yeah, yeah.

ALBANESE:It is.

-It is.-Yeah.

-Agent Orange?-But, uh, but, uh, but...

but unlike, but...

I feel like I got a revelation.

But-but unlike Trump,unlike Trump,

Agent Orange was in Vietnamso it's not the same.

I know, he... I know.

I know.We'll be right back.

We'll see.

(cheers and applause)

YARD: If you live in the New York City area

or are planning to visit,

-(cheering, applause)-Welcome back.

Now, tonight we have to talk

about the latestpolice shooting video

that's making national news.

Police in Louisiana this morning

are investigating the deadlypolice shooting of a black man.

NEWSWOMAN: The video apparently shows police confronting

37-year-old Alton Sterling Tuesday morning.

He's tackled by one of the officers.

Seconds later, an officer appears to scream out,

"Sterling is holding a weapon."

Sterling was pronounced dead at the scene.

He was pronounced deadat the scene

because he was shot by the cops

while he was pinnedto the ground.

I mean, when I saw this video,like many of us in this office,

I mean, we were alljust speechless.

I mean,is this the type of thing

we should really haveon a comedy show?

Now, we've coveredthis type of thing in the past,

and to be frank with you,

we're just tiredof this (bleep) happening,

and feel like we haveto address it in some way.

And let me just say, thank Godfor (bleep) cell phones.

(applause, whooping)

Really. Because...

we would never even hear aboutincidents like this otherwise.

In fact, part of what makespeople in the black community

so enraged about this is,for years we never had evidence

for these things.

But, you know, in Baton Rouge,the cops have body cameras.

Okay. So let's seewhat that shows. Roll it.

NEWSMAN: The officers in question

were wearing body cameras, but they apparently fell off

at the altercation.

-Fell off?-MAN: Fell off.

Things don't just fall off.

Unless you're talkingabout Sisqó

and face of the (bleep) earth.

All right? I mean, seriously,Sisqó, where's "Thong Song 2"?

(laughter, groans)

I don't know,this looks bad, Louisiana.

And they know it looks bad, too.

They even brought outthe governor to talk about it.

The video is disturbing,to say the least.

In Louisiana,we're known for our ability

to come togetherin difficult circumstances.

We will certainly get through,uh, this tragedy.

Okay, seems likethey're taking it seriously.

I mean, he's gotmore middle-aged black women

on that stage thana community theater production

of The Color Purple, so...

-(laughter)-Right? Right?

Kudos, kudos, kudos to you.

Right.

But, uh...

but what does the, uh,Louisiana governor

specifically have to sayabout the investigation?

There should be no, uh...

doubt in anybody's mindbut this incident

is gonna be investigatedimpartially,

professionally and thoroughly,

uh, by the United StatesDepartment of Justice

Civil Rights Division.

Wait, hold on a second.

The Department of Justice?

The same Department of Justice

that just handledHillary's e-mails?

I don't think black peopleare waiting for these cops

to be excused because the FBIsays they were just "careless."

And what gets me about this,what really gets me,

is that whenever this happens,

there's alwaysan immediate takedown

of the dead man's character.

We do understand he did in facthave a criminal record.

According to his family and someof the records that we dug up,

yes, he did have at least...at least one prior conviction.

NEWSWOMAN: Sterling has an arrest history,

ranging from battery to drug possession.

So he had a criminal record.

Martha Stewart hasa criminal record.

-(laughter, applause, whooping)-I don't...

I don't remember herbeing executed

in a convenience storeparking lot.

Maybe I missed it,but it feels like

that would have made Huffington Post at least.

No matter what his crimes were,

Alton Sterling did not deserveto be executed for them.

Look, guys, the punishmentfor resisting arrest

shouldn't be death.

The punishmentfor selling bootleg CD's

shouldn't be death.

The punishment for having a gunin an open-carry state

shouldn't be death.

The punishmentfor being a black man

shouldn't be death.

(applause, whooping)

Now...

Black Lives Matter protestshave already sprung up

across Louisianain the past 24 hours,

and, you know, let me just saya quick word about this

just for a second.

It's not that black lives aremore important than white lives,

or Asian lives,

but all people don't have thesame uniquely fraught history

with law enforcementthat black people do.

This is why as infuria...infuriating as it was,

that black people cheered forthe O.J. Simpson verdict, okay?

Long before white peoplecould give an Emmy

to Sarah Paulson's hair.

(laughter)

So when Black Lives Matteris protesting,

can we just not hear thisright now?

This themeof Black Lives Matter--

you know what also matters?Blue lives matter.

And all lives matter.

Absolutely, all lives matter.

-Black lives matter because all lives matter. -Mm-hmm.

-All lives matter.-All lives matter.

Black lives matter or all lives?

Well, they sayblack lives matter.

I and you and Donald Trump sayall lives matter.

Okay.

If you really believe in"all lives matter"-- it's fine--

then you should be out thereprotesting, right?

-I mean, Alton Sterling...-(applause, cheering)

If you break it down.

Alton Sterling was a life,

the loss of whichshould upset you.

You know what?I'll tell you what.

In the spirit of inclusuvity...inclusivity,

let's check inwith an All Lives Matter,

uh, rally here in New York.

(cricket chirping)

I'm sorry, that's our bad.Um, that's right,

uh, maybe All Lives Matter isprotesting in Chicago. Our bad.

(birds chirping)

That was my bad again.

Uh, All Lives Matter must beprotesting in Louisiana.

I mean, that's where the murderhappened. If you could just...

(cricket chirping)

Where's the outrage, guys?

I thoughtall lives mattered to you.

Doesn't Alton Sterling'slife matter?

We'll be right back.