Wednesday, September 3, 2014

  • 09/03/2014

Brett Gelman, Horatio Sanz and Rich Fulcher find out about a new set of emoji, write taglines for some freaky Airbnb listings and come up with jobs for industrious stoners.

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> CHRIS: THIS WEEK TWITTER WASROLLING OVER THE NEWS OF THAT

NFL RECEIVER WES WELKER WASSUSPENDED FOUR GAMES FOR

ALLEGEDLY POPPING MOLLY AT THEKENTUCKY DERBY.

THERE HE IS THERE TRYING TOATTACK PEOPLE WITH A STACK OF

HUNDYS OR SOMETHING. I DON'TREALLY KNOW.

YOU'RE SAYING THIS GUY WAS ONMOLLY?

REALLY? WOW, THAT'S REALLY HARDTO BELIEVE.

BUT WHICH ONE OF THESE WELKERMOLLY MEMES GOT THE MOST

RETWEETS.

A, THIS GONZO ADAPTATION? RIGHTTHERE.

B, WELKER'S MILE HIGH JERSEY

OR C, THIS LITTLE DITTY ON VINE.

♪ POP THE MOLLY POP THE MOLLY.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: WHICH ONE OF THOSE?YES, BRETT GELMAN.

>> C.

CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

B IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.

>> WHAT.

>> CHRIS: I KNOW. WELL, THEINTERNET'S WRONG SOMETIMES.

>> C TOOK -- C TOO MUCH WORK.>> CHRIS: IT REALLY DID.

>> THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THISCOUNTRY.

DON'T RESPECT HARD WORK ANYMORE,PEOPLE.

>> CHRIS: NOW IF YOU DIDN'T KNOWTHIS GUY WAS A FOOTBALL PLAYER,

BASED ON THE PICTURE WHO DO YOUTHINK HE IS? RICH FULCHER.

>> I WOULD SAY KEY PARTYORGANIZER.

HEY, I CAN TEACH YOU AND YOURWIFE HOW TO SWING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS>> HEY, KENTUCKY DERBY.

I'M A WILD AND CRAZY GUY.

>> CHRIS: THE INTERNET ISCHANGING THE WAY WE COMMUNICATE.

EMOJI FOR INSTANCE --

LET'S EXPRESS SENTIMENTS THAT WECOULDN'T OTHERWISE SAY, LIKE

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFEITSELF, SANTA, SANTA, PIZZA,

TUGBOAT.

THERE'S NEW EMOJI BEING CREATEDALL THE TIME.

WHICH OF THESE IS A REAL BATCHOF CUTESY IMAGES COMING TO A

SMARTPHONE NEAR YOU?

A, EMOJI FOR HIPSTERS INCLUDINGCANS OF PBR AND MUSTACHES.

EMOJIS FOR GOTHS, INCLUDINGCLOVE CIGARETTES AND MYSTERIOUS

ARM CUTS.

C, EMOJIS FOR DADS INCLUDINGJIMMY BUFFETT'S FACE HIDDEN IN A

PLAYBOY MAGAZINE. BRETT GELMAN.

>> A.

>> CHRIS: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS,YES, A! EMOJI FOR HIPSTERS!

THERE THEY ARE.

>> I DON'T THINK THE PERSON WHOMADE THE HIP EMOJI IS VERY HIP.

>> CHRIS: I'M HANGING OUT WITHCOREY HEART TONIGHT.

WE'RE GETTING DRUNK ANDLISTENING TO PHARELL SONGS AND

TELLING EACH OTHER TO [BEEP]OFF.

THEN WE WON'T BE ABLE TO HEARANYTHING BECAUSE WE'RE WEARING

THESE CANS. BUT THEN WE'LL GROWMUSTACHES AND THEN BE LIKE,

WE'RE AWESOME SO LET'S PUT ONSOME SLIPPERS AND HAVE A

STARBUCKS WHILE WE GET DRESSEDUP LIKE RACIST CHARACTERS

THEN WE'LL HOP ON A SURFBOARDAND BE LIKE, LET'S SCISSOR.

THEN WE'LL [BLEEP] EACH OTHERWITH A CIGAR BUT BE TOO

HIGH ON VITAMINS.

THEN WE'LL JUST WHISTLING IN OURPHONES WHILE THIS WEIRD THING

HAPPENS. THEN WE'LL PUT SOMEBREATH SPRAY, THEN WE'LL HASHTAG

IT BAE BECAUSE THAT'S IRONICALLYFUNNY WHILE WE WIPE OUR ASSES

WE WILL HAVE ANOTHER STARBUCKSBECAUSE WE KNOW HOW TO

PARTY WHEN WE SHOVE A CRAYON INA BIRD'S ASSHOLE.

THAT'S ALL YOU NEED.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: THE CREATORS SAY ITWILL BE PERIODICALLY UPDATED TO

REEFLECT THE LATEST HIPSTERTRENDS.

[BEEP] YOU.

COMEDIANS, WHAT'S A NEW, WHAT'SA NEW SYMBOL YOU HOPE TO SEE

ON HITMOJI. BRETT GELMAN.

>> A STRAIN OF HERPESES.

DRINKING A MOSCOW MULE HANGINGUNDERNEATH A EDISON LIGHT BULB

WHILE THEY'RE PROMOTING THEIRSHITTY BAND.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, GOOD. POINTS.

HORATIO.

>> AN EMOJI THAT LAUGHS AT OTHEREMOJIS THAT STILL THINK

FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE ISCOOL.

>> CHRIS: OKAY POINTS. YEAH. OFCOURSE THE HIPSTER, GREAT.

>> A SMILEY FACE SAYING I WENTTO BURN MAN BEFORE IT WAS

CO-OPTED BY CORPORATE TOOLS.

>> CHRIS: GOOD. POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

THE CLOCK HAS STRUCK MIDNIGHT.

WHICH NOT ONLY MEANS THE SHOW ISON THE AIR, BUT IT'S GOOGLE'S

BIRTHDAY.[ APPLAUSE ]

>> CHRIS: SIXTEEN YEARS AGOGOOGLE WAS FOUNDED.

THEN WE HAD TO STOP USING WEBCRAWLER AND LYCOS.

WHAT DO YOU GET THE SEARCHENGINE WITH ALL OF YOUR PERSONAL

DATA, BANKING INFORMATION ANDFETISH HISTORY?

WELL, LET'S GIVE THEM THE GIFTOF TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS

WHY DID I GOOGLE?

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, NANCY GRACEFAN FICTION.

OR WHY DID I GOOGLE, TOO MUCHPUS.

OR, WHY DID RICH FULCHER GOOGLECHRIS HARDWICK NAKED.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

STARTING NOW AND GO. RICH.

>> [BEEP]ABLE CATS.

CHRIS: WAIT A MINUTE. HANG ON,RICH.

YOU COULD OF JUST GOOGLED CATS.

POINTS.

YES, BRETT.

>> [BLEEP]ABLE SQUIRRELS.

CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS. HORATIO.

>> BUTT PLUG BATTERY LIFE.

CHRIS: YEP POINTS. RICH.

>> HOW TO GOOGLE.

CHRIS: YEAH POINTS. HORATIO.

>> BREAST MILK RECIPES.

CHRIS: POINTS. RICH.

>> IF I BEAT OFF IN THE BACKYARDWILL I BE SEEN BY GOOGLE STREET

VIEW.

>> CHRIS: BRETT.

>> SQUIRRELS WITH BIG FATNATURALS.

[LAUGHING]

>> CHRIS: THE VISUAL OF SIXGIANT SQUIRREL GIANT SQUIRREL

TITS IS HILARIOUS. RICH.

>> NICKELBACK TOUR DATES.

CHRIS: NO.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY SCARE BNB.

SCARE BNB.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: AIRBNB OFFERS PEOPLES

HOMES FOR TO STAY AT A FRACTIONOF THE COST OF THE HOTEL.

IT'S A GREAT RESOURCE FORTRAVELS WHO WANT TO SAVE MONEY

AND OFTEN THINK TODAY IS A GOODDAY TO DIE.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUAN PICTURE FROM AN AIRBNB

LISTING, AND FOR 250 POINTS GIVEME A TAGLINE TO ADVERTISE IT.

FIRST ONE: THIS RETIRED CABOOSE$20.

SEEMS FINE. HORATIO.

>> DO IT IN MY CABOOSE.

>> CHRIS: OH PERFECT!POIINTS. RICH.

>> I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN-- SURVIVE!

>> CHRIS: YEAH. POINTS.

GOOD.

BRETT.

>> ONLY FIVE MURDERS AND THREERAPES LAST YEAR.

>> CHRIS: JESUS CHRIST.

>> NO, NO.

ALL VICTIMS WERE STRAIGHTWEALTHY WHITE MEN.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, GOOD POINTS.

THAT MAKES IT OKAY.

NEXT ONE.

THIS BNB MASSACRING AS ALAUNDROMAT. $39.

THIRTY -- OH MY GOD.

THOSE ARE WEIRD PRISON TUBESFROM THE FUTURE.

ANYONE. BRETT.

>> STAY IN THE SAME BED THAT80S STAR ET DIED OF A SPEED-BALL

OVERDOSE LAST YEAR.

>> CHRIS: THIS IS WHERE ET DIED.

>> YA.

CHRIS: HORATIO.

>> HI I NEED A WAKE-UP CALL FORTEN THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ALSO POINTS TO BRETT GELMAN FORTHE OTHER ONE. RICH FULCHER.

>> HOPE YOU LIKE CREAM CORNBECAUSE AT TWO AM EVERY NIGHT

CORKY PIPE THAT'S [BEEP] IN!

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> HOW IS CORKY BY THE WAY.

>> CORKY IS DOING WELL.

HIS FAMILY TREE IS A STRAIGHTLINE.

>> CHRIS: GOOD.

NEXT ONE.

THIS -- THIS LEAN-TUBE-THING.

YOU CAN STAY THERE FOR $82.

HORATIO.

>> HOBO [BEEP] SHACK.

CHRIS: IN MURDER-ADJACENT WOODS.YEAH, BRETT.

>> BELIEVE IN BIGFOOT? DON'TLIKE GETTING A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP.

STAY HERE, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. RICH FULCHER.

>> FUN FACT THIS WAS THEUNI-BOMBER'S FIRST APARTMENT.

>> CHRIS: NICE. POINTS.

HOW ABOUT THIS.

THIS IS A SELF DESCRIBED WOMBROOM.

$188. $188.

YOU KNOW, THE WORST OFFENSE INTHERE IS THAT GUYS [BEEP] VEST.

THAT'S WORST THAN EVERYTHINGELSE THERE.

THAN THAT WEIRD MURDEROUSARK OF THE COVENANT.

BRETT GELAMAN

>> THIS WOMB ROOM COMES WITHTHESE TWO GUYS.

ADDED BONUS ONLY ONE OF THEMWILL JERK OFF ON YOU.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YES, RICH.

>> BE SENT TO EARTH BEFORECRYPTON EXPLODES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,HELL'S KITCHENS, HELL'S KITCHENS

THE KITCHEN IS A VERY DANGEROUSPALCE, WHAT WITH ALL THE HOT

SURFACES AND GLUTEN.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU THE BEGINNING PORTION OF A

KITCHEN FAIL VIDEO AND FOR 250POINTS, YOU HAVE TO TELL ME

HOW IT ENDS.

OKAY, FIRST ONE. THIS CURIOUSKITTY. THIS CURIOUS KITTY.

ALRIGHT.

WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS [BEEP] CAT.[LAUGHING]

I MEAN, CAT.

>> DOES IT JUMP FROM THE COUNTERAND IMMEDIATELY HIT THE GROUND

OR JUMP AND LAND ON AN OLDLADY'S HEAD? YES, BRETTY GELMAN.

>> JUMP FROM THE COUNTER ANDIMMEDIATELY HIT THE GROUND.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, LET'S FIND OUT.

[LAUGHING]

>> CHRIS: THAT WAS ME IN PEGRADES THREE THROUGH TWELVE.

NEXT ONE.

THIS HOME SPUN NINJA MASTER.

[LAUGHING]

>> DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK.>> CHRIS: THIS CAN ONLY GO WELL.

DOE SHE HIT HIMSELF IN THECROTCH OR SHATTER THE WINDOW

BEHIND HIM? RICH.>> CROTCH.

>> CHRIS: SHOW ME CROTCH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THAT'S THE BEST THING THATHAPPENED TO THAT GUY THAT DAY.

>> CHRIS: THAT WAS IT.

LAST ONE.

THIS PANTLESS GENTLEMAN RIBBINGHIS FRIENDS.

HOW DOES THAT END FRIENDSSHOOTING HIM WITH A FIRE

EXTINGUISHER OR CABINETS ANDDISHES FALLING ON TOP OF HIM.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS HE GETSHURT EITHER WAY. RICH.

>> I'D LIKE TO SAY HE DIES.

NO CABINETS AND DISHES FALLINGON HIM.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

NOW HIGH-IRING.

IF YOU WANT TO GET INVOLVED INAN EXCITING GROWTH INDUSTRY FULL

OF DYNAMIC PEOPLE WHO REALLY"GET" DONNY DARKO, WELL NOW THAT

MARJIUANA LEGALIZATION IS ON THERISE, THE WEED INDUSTRY IS

LOOKING FOR INDUSTRIOUS STONERSTO WORK IN IT'S DISPENSARIES AND

HYDROPONIC FARMS.

IF YOU'RE IN THE MARKET FOR AJOB, THERE'S A NEW APP,

WEEDHIRE.COM THAT LET'S YOU KNOWABOUT JOBS FROM BUD EXTRACTION

TECHNICIAN, TO VAP CONSULTANT.

SO COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO COMEUP WITH AS MANY OTHER JOB

MIGHT FIND ON WEEDHIRE.COM.LET'S START NOW, 60 SECONDS AND

GO. RICH FULCHER.

>> BUGLES TASTE TESTER.

CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

HORATIO.

>> COUCH MODEL.

CHRIS: YES POINTS. BRETT.

>> CAUCASIAN DREADOLOGIST.

CHRIS: YES. GOOD ONE. HORATIO.

>> URINE COUNTERFEITER.

CHRIS: YES POINTS. YES, THAT'S AREAL ONE! BRETT.

SQUIRRELS WITH BIG FAT BIGFAT NATURALS.

SIX, CHRIS.

SIX BIG FAT SQUIRELL TITTIES.

CHRIS: I KNOW. POINTS. RICHFULCHER.

>> MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

CHRIS: YES, POINTS. HORATIO.

>> WAIT, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BRETT.

>> ALL POSITION AT WEEDHIRE.COMON ACCOUNT EVERYONE HAS BEEN

FIRED.

>> CHRIS: YES, YES, POINTS.RICH.

>> GLAUCOMA SUFFERER I SWEAR TOGOD I'M GOING BLIND.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GOOD.