Thursday, April 3, 2014

  • 04/03/2014

Patton Oswalt, Blaine Capatch and Brian Posehn guess a congressional candidate's alter ego, list #WorseWrestlers and petition the White House.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

WINTER IS NO LONGER COMING,

BUT GAME OF THRONES IS.

(APPLAUSE)

SEASON 4 PREMIERS THIS SUNDAY,

AND ALL MEN MUST BUY...

THINGS.

YES, ETSY IS GOING (BLEEP)HOUSE

OF STARK WITH THRONES CRAP.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING OF THESE

REAL ITEMS, THESE ARE ALL REAL,

WHICH ONE IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE?

A. THESE CROWS BEFORE HOS

BOXER BRIEFS.

(LAUGHTER)

B. THIS BRA OF FIRE AND BLOOD.

NEXT, THESE KHALEESI YOGA PANTS.

(LAUGHTER)

YEP, JUST LIKE THE ONE DAENERYS

WORE WHEN DROGO WAS POUNDING HER

FROM BEHIND SO HE COULD REMEMBER

THAT SHE WAS IN FACT KHALEESI.

HOLY MOTHER OF DRAGONS,

LOOK AT THAT ASS.

YES, BRIAN.

>> C.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY MAKE THOSE IN 48?

(LAUGHTER)

WHO AM I KIDDING?

50.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT

WHAT IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE.

OH!

>> CAN I STILL GET THE PANTS?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES, AND YOU CAN GET

THOSE TO GO ALONG WITH THE

PANTS.

WHICH TV SHOW-INSPIRED ITEM OF

CLOTHING WOULD YOU WISH SOMEONE

WOULD SELL, PATTON OSWALT?

>> HOW ABOUT TO CATCH A PREDATOR

GARANIMALS?

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT.

JAKE RUSH IS A TALENTED YOUNG

LAWYER FROM GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA

WHO IS TRYING TO UNSEAT THE TEA

PARTY CONGRESSMAN IN FLORIDA'S

UPCOMING REPUBLICAN PRIMARY.

BUT GAWKER HAS REVEALED A

DELIGHTFUL TRUTH.

JAKE IS REALLY INTO LARPING.

(SLIGHT LAUGHTER)

THAT WOULD BE LIVE ACTION ROLE

PLAYING.

(LAUGHTER)

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS YOUNG

CONGRESSIONAL HOPEFUL JAKE

RUSH'S ALTER EGO?

ONE OF THESE IS REAL.

IS HE A. ZIP DINGLE,

A GOLDEN SHOWER WEREWOLF?

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT'S PATTON'S OLD

CHARACTER.

>> SHUT UP!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NO, PATTON'S OLD

CHARACTER WAS CALLED STUMP

HAMMER.

HE WAS A DRUNKEN DWARF AND USED

TO GET DRUNK AND SING SONGS.

>> IT'S HOW YOU KNOW HE'S DRUNK.

>> I WISH THAT DINGLE WAS

REAL NOW.

>> Chris: IT MIGHT BE, THIS

COULD BE ONE OF THE REAL ONES.

THERE ARE TWO MORE.

COULD HE BE B. CHAZZ DARLING,

A RAPE FANTASY VAMPIRE.

>> WHAT?

>> YUCK.

THAT'S THE WORST KIND OF

VAMPIRE.

>> Chris: WE'RE EITHER TEAM

JACOB OR TEAM EDWARD.

WE'RE NOT SURE WHICH ONE.

OR ONE MORE, COULD BE ZEUS

COCKSURE, A CROSS-DRESSING

ZOMBIE.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

DOES ANYBODY WANT TO GET

THE WALKING HEAD?

(LAUGHTER)

YES BLAINE, YOU BUZZED IN.

>> I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO

WITH B. CHAZZ DARLING.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS,

IN FACT, B. CHAZZ DARLING.

A RAPE FANTASY VAMPIRE.

(LAUGHTER)

HE DOES LOOK LIKE THE GUY

SUNDAY, SUNDAY.

IT IS THE 30th ANNIVERSARY

OF HULKAMANIA.

(GRUNTING)

OH, HULKSTER!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

(LOUD CHEERING)

>> SHH, PLEASE.

WOW.

GO AHEAD, YEAH.

>> Chris: IN HONOR OF THE EVENT,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#WORSEWRESTLERS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "ANDRE THE

GIANT PUSSY" OR "CM STEAMPUNK"

OR "REASONABLE RODDY PIPER."

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

YES, BLAINE.

>> BRET THE (BLEEP)MAN SHART.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PATTON.

>> THE IRON DEFICIENT SHEIK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PATTON AGAIN.

>> OH, UH... ME!

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

BRIAN.

>> ULTIMATE WARIO.

>> Chris: OH, YES!

WARIO REFERENCE, POINTS.

YES, BLAINE.

>> STONE COLD EVE AUSTIN,

NOT STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, BRIAN.

>> BROOKE HOGAN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

PATTON.

>> BRET HART BUT WITH DIARRHEA.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

THAT'D BE A WAY WORSE WRESTLER.

BLAINE.

>> TAP ME OUT ELMO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRIAN.

>> KING KONG TED BUNDY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

BRIAN.

>> THE JIZZ!

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

AN EXCELLENT WAY TO END.

(APPLAUSE)

I'M SURE YOU ARE FAMILIAR

WITH THE SKYMALL CATALOG THAT

ARE ON THE AIRPLANE POCKETS.

THEY FEATURE THINGS THAT WE

DIDN'T KNOW WE NEEDED UNTIL

SOMEONE SHOWED THEM TO US

IN AN ENCLOSED SPACE.

LUCKY FOR US, SKYMALL

NOW HAS A WEB SITE.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW

YOU AN ITEM FROM skymall.com

AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME

A TAG LINE TO HELP SELL IT TO

THE RICH PERSON WHO IS MOST

LIKELY SUFFERING FROM CABIN

PRESSURIZATION.

FIRST UP, WE HAVE THIS.

BIGFOOT GARDEN YETI STATUES.

(CHEERING)

YES, PATTON.

>> AN EXCELLENT (BLEEP)TY

CONVERSATION STARTER.

>> Chris: OH, WHERE DID YOU FIND

THIS BRONZE YETI?

>> IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD

ASK THAT.

YOU SEE, THE ANCIENT HIMALAYANS

BELIEVE THAT...

>> Chris: OH MY GOD, I'M GOING

TO KILL MYSELF WITH THE STATUE.

POINTS FOR PATTON.

>> THAT LOOKS LIKE THE COVER

OF MY RON JEREMY FAN FICTION.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS FOR BLAINE.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE,

THIS KING TUT CD-ROM CABINET.

COME ON GUYS, ALL THOSE CD-ROMS

YOU LIKE TO STORE NOW.

SET IT RIGHT NEXT

TO YOUR ZIP DRIVE.

(LAUGHTER)

A BARGAIN FOR ONLY $199.

YES, BRIAN.

>> PERFECT FOR YOUR COPY OF

IRON MAIDEN: POWERSLAVE.

(CHEERING)

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, PATTON.

>> CAN ALSO BE USED TO STORE

MINI-PITAS.

WE DON'T GIVE A (BLEEP), WEIRDO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SOMEONE HAS DISTURBED

THE MINI-PITAS.

WE SHALL ALL BE CURSED!

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

FAUX TATTOO MEN'S

LONG SLEEVE SHIRT.

>> OH MY GOD.

>> Chris: A BAD IDEA AT ANY

PRICE, BUT HERE, $39.95.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW,

THEY HAVE THEM IN STOCK.

YES, BRIAN.

>> FAKE TATTOO, REAL DOUCHEBAG.

>> Chris: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

DO YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A

DICKHEAD BUT YOU'RE TOO MUCH

OF A PUSSY TO GET TATTOOS?

>> YOU CAN LOOK LIKE YOU SKINNED

MICKEY ROURKE.

(LAUGHTER)

POINTS.

"MORNING ZOOS!"

(APPLAUSE)

>> HERE WE GO.

>> Chris: HEY, WAKE UP PARTY

PEOPLE, THIS IS @MIDNIGHT.

WE'RE COMING AT YOU WITH 30

MINUTES OF NONSTOP ROCK BLOCK,

OH YEAH.

(COWBELL RINGING)

>> HANG ON CHRIS, ARE WE DOING

A WHOLE MORNING ZOO CATEGORY?

>> Chris: WE'RE DOING AN ENTIRE

MORNING ZOO CATEGORY, PATTON

OSWALT.

>> LET ME JUST MENTION QUICKLY

I HATE MY BOSS, DONUT TOSS HIM

OFF THE ROOF OF THE STUDIO,

RIGHT?

WE'LL BE TELLING YOU ALL ABOUT

THAT LATER WHEN WE GIVE IT

50 MINUTES ON THE HIGH SIDE

OF 5:00.

WE'LL GO RIGHT BACK TO YOU,

CHRIS.

>> Chris: THANK YOU VERY MUCH

PATTON OSWALT!

NOW COMEDIANS, I WILL GIVE YOU

THE NAME OF TWO WACKY MORNING

ZOO RADIO TEAMS AND YOU HAVE

TO TELL ME WHICH ONE IS THE REAL

DEAL WITH THE FACEBOOK PAGE

AND THE PHRASE THE PAYS!

FIRST ONE, GRAND RAPIDS,

MICHIGAN.

IS THEIR MORNING TEAM "THE

FREE BEER AND HOT WINGS SHOW."

(CHICKEN CLUCKING)

OR "EARLY BUZZ WITH OSCAR AND

THE JINK."

(CLOCK ALARM RINGING)

(LAUGHTER)

>> ♪ I DON'T WANT TO WORK...

>> Chris: PATTON.

>> IT HAS TO BE EARLY BUZZ

WITH OSCAR AND THE JINK.

>> I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE IT

AND I KNOW THE REAL ANSWER.

>> Chris: THE REAL ANSWER IS

THE FREE BEER AND HOT WINGS

MORNING SHOW!

>> OH MY GOD.

>> I'M NOT GOING BACK THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

CHESAPEAKE, VIRGINIA, ARE YOU

WAKING UP TO "RUMBLE IN THE

MORNING."

(PUNCHING NOISES)

OR "PERVY HERVY AND THE DEETS."

(FAST BANJO PLAYING)

BLAINE.

>> IT'S GOT TO BE RUMBLE IN

THE MORNING BECAUSE PERVY HERVY

AND THE DEETS IS A BAND.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

RUMBLE IN THE MORNING

ON FM99.

(APPLAUSE)

>> FINALLY, ONE WITH A LADY.

>> AND SHE'S ONLY THERE TO GO,

"YOU GUYS, COME ON!

HEY!"

"I'M JUST JOKING, COME ON,

LIGHTEN UP."

>> "GUYS, GUYS, LET'S GO TO

JOE SATRIANI WITH TRAFFIC."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IT'S TIME TO PLAY

"WHITEHOUSE.UGH."

(APPLAUSE)

LAST WEEK A PETITION WENT ONLINE

TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO GIVE

ALASKA BACK TO RUSSIA.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO COME UP WITH THE DUMBEST

whitehouse.gov PETITIONS

YOU CAN THINK OF.

I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT WHAT

YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO HERE.

60 SECONDS, AND GO.

BLAINE.

>> REDUCE MUMFORD AND SONS

BY AT LEAST TWO SONS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRIAN.

>> MORE DOCKING, LESS DOCKERS.

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

PATTON.

>> I WANT A BALLOON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

BLAINE.

>> U.S. OUT OF MY DREAMS

AND INTO MY CAR.

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

BLAINE.

>> KEEP MY WIFE OUT OF MY

BROWSER HISTORY.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, PATTON.

>> NEW GUANTANAMO BAY,

BUT ONLY FOR NANCY GRACE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRIAN.

>> CHANGE NATIONAL ANTHEM TO

"INSPECTOR GADGET" THEME.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: OH SAY, CAN YOU SEE

BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT...

(LAUGHTER)

>> I LOVE YOU.

>> Chris: AW.

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