Thursday, April 3, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01046
  • 04/03/2014

Patton Oswalt, Blaine Capatch and Brian Posehn guess a congressional candidate's alter ego, list #WorseWrestlers and petition the White House.

>> RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

WINTER IS NO LONGERCOMING BUT GAME OF THRONES

IS.

>> PREMIERING THIS SUNDAY,AND ALL MEN MUST BUY THINGS.

YES, ETSY IS GOING [BLEEP] HOUSEOF STARK WITH THRONES CRAFTS.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING OFTHE REAL ITEMS, ALL REAL,

WHICH IS THE MOSTEXPENSIVE.

A, THESE CROWS BEFORE HOESBOXER BRIEFS.

B, THIS BRA OF FIRE ANDBLOOD.

NEXT, THESE YOGA PANTS.

JUST LIKE THE ONE DAENERYSWORE WHEN DROGO WAS

POUNDING HER FROM BEHIND SO,REMEMBERS SHE WAS CALISI.

HOLY MOTHER OF DRAGONS LOOKAT THAT.

YES, BRIAN.

>> C.

(LAUGHTER)>> THEY MAKE THOSE IN 48?

>> WHO AM I KIDDING.

50.

>> LET'S FIND OUT WHAT ISTHE MOST EXPENSIVE.

OH.

>> I CAN STILL GET THEPANTS?

>> YES, YOU CAN.

AND YOU CAN GET THOSE TO GOALONG WITH THE PANTS.

>> WHICH TV SHOW INSPIRED IAM A CLOTHING, WOULD YOU

WISH SOMEONE WOULD SELL, PATTON OSWALT

>> HOW ABOUT TO CATCH APREDATOR GARANIMALS?

>> ALRIGHT, NEXT. JAKE RUSH IS ATALENTED YOUNG LAWYER FROM

FLORIDA WHO'S TRYING TO UNSEATTHE TEA PARTY CONGRESSMAN IN

FLORIDA'S UPCOMINGREPUBLICAN PRIMARY.

BUT GAWKER HAS REVEALED AA DELIGHTFUL TRUTH.

JAKE IS REALLY INTO LARPING.

COMEDIANS -- THAT WOULD BELIVE ACTION ROLE PLAYING.

COMEDIANS-- , WHAT IS YOUNGCONGRESSIONAL HOPEFUL JAKE'S

ALTER EGO.

ONE OF THESE IS REAL.

IS HE A, ZIP DINGLE, AGOLDEN SHOWER WEREWOLF.

>> THAT'S PATTON'S OLDCHARACTER.

>> SHUT UP.

>> NO, PATTON'S OLDCHARACTER WAS CALLED STUMP

HAMMER.

HE WAS A DRUNKEN DWARF ANDUSED TO GET DRUNK AND SING

SONGS.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW HE ISDRUNK.

>> I WISH ZIP DINGLE WASREAL NOW.

>> IT MIGHT BE THIS COULD BEONE OF THE REAL ONS, THERE

ARE TWO MORE.

COULD HE BE B, JAZZ DARLING,A RAPE FANTASY VAMPIRE.

>> WHAT?

>> YUCK.

>> THAT'S THE WORST KIND OFVAMPIRE.

>> WE'RE EITHER TEAM JACOBOR TEAM EDWARD.

WE'RE NOT SURE WHICH ONE.

OR ONE MORE, COULD BE ZEUSCOCKSURE, A CROSSDRESSING ZOMBIE

>> DOES ANYBODY WANT TO GETTHE WALKING HEAD?

YES, BLAINE YOU HAVE BUZZEDIN.

>> I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GOWITH B, JAZZ DARLING.

>> IT IS, IN FACT, B.

CHAZZ DARLING.

>> A RAPE FANTASY VAMPIRE.

>> WRESTLEMANIA IS THISSUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY.

IT IS THE 30th ANNIVERSARYOF HULKAMANIA.

IT IS THE 30th ANNIVERSARYOF HULKAMANIA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> WOW.

>> GO AHEAD, YEAH.

>> IN HONOR OF THE EVENTTONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS WORSE

WRESTLERS. EXAMPLES ARE ANDRETHE GIANT'S PUSSY OR CM

STEAMPUNK OR REASONABLERODDY PIPER.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

>> YES.

>> [BLEEP] MAN SHARK.

>> POINTS.

>> THE IRON DEFICIENT SHEIK.

>> POINTS.

>> ME.

>> YES.

>> POINTS.

>> BRIAN.

>> ULTIMATE WARRIO.

>> OH, YES.

POINTS.

>> YES, BLANE.

>> STONE COLD EVE AUSTIN ANDNOT STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN.

>> POINTS.

>> BROOKE HOGAN.

>> POINTS.

>> BRET HART BUT WITHDIARRHEA.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> TAP ME OUT ELMO.

>> POINTS.

>> KING KONG TED BUNDY.

>> POINTS.

>> THE JIZZ.

CRYMALL.

I'M SURE YOU ARE FAMILIARWITH THE SKYMALL CATALOG IN

THE AIRPLANE POCKETS.

THEY FEATURE THINGS WEDIDN'T KNOW WE NEEDED UNTIL

SOMEONE SHOWED THEM TO US INAN ENCLOSED SPACE.

LUCKY FOR US, SKYMALL NOWHAS A WEB SITE SO I'M GOING

TO SHOW YOU AN ITEM FROMSKYMALL.COM AND I WOULD LIKE

YOU TO GIVE ME A TAG LINETO SELL IT TO A RICH PERSON.

FIRST UP, WE HAVE THIS.

>> BIGFOOT GARDEN YETI.

>> YES.

>> AN EXCELLENT [BLEEP]CONVERSATION STARTER.

>> OH WHERE DID YOU FINDTHIS BRONZE YETI.

>> IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASKTHAT, YOU SEE, THE ANCIENT

HIMALAYANS -->> OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO

KILL MYSELF WITH THE STATUE.

POINTS.

>> THAT LOOKS LIKE THE COVEROF MY RON JEREMY FAN PICTURE.

>> (LAUGHTER)

>> POINTS FOR BLAINE.

>> ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, THISKING TUT CD-ROM CABINET.

COME ON GUYS, ALL THOSECD-ROMS YOU LIKE TO STORE

NOW.

YOU SET IT NEXT TO YOURZIP DRIVE, A BARGAIN FOR

ONLY 199.

>> YES, BRIAN.

>> PERFECT FOR YOUR COPY OFIRON MADDEN "POWER SLAVE."

>> POINTS.

>> YES, PATTON.

>> IT CAN ALSO BE USED TO STOREYOUR MINI PITAS.

WE DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP], WEIRDO.

>> SOMEONE HAS DISTURBED THEMINIPITAS.

>> ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

FAUX TATTOO MEN'S LONG SLEEVESHIRTS.

>> OH MY GOD.

>> A BAD IDEA AT ANY PRICEBUT HERE $39.95.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW, THEY HAVETHEM IN STOCK.

>> YES, BRIAN.

>> FAKE TATTOO, REALDOUCHEBAG.

>> YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A[BLEEP] BUT YOU'RE TOO MUCH

OF A PUSSY TO GET TATTOOS.

>> YOU CAN LOOK LIKE YOUSKINNED MICKEY ROURKE.

MORNING ZOOS!

HERE WE GO.

>> HEY, WAKE UP, IT IS@MIDNIGHT.

WE'RE COMING AT WITH YOU 30MINUTES OF NONSTOP ROCK, OH

YEAH.

HANG ON, ARE WE DOING AWHOLE MORNING ZOO CATEGORY.

>> LET ME THANK YOU QUICKLYI HATE MY BOSS DONUT TOSS.

WE'LL BE TELLING ALL ABOUTTHAT LATER WHEN WE GIVE IT

50 MINUTES ON THE HIGHESTSIDE OF 5:00.

RIGHT BACK TO YOU.

>> (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> NOW COMEDIANS, I WILLGIVE YOU THE NAME OF TWO

WACKY MORNING ZOO RADIOTEAMS AND TELL ME WHICH IS

THE REAL DEAL WITH THE FACEFACEBOOK PAGE.

>> FIRST ONE, GRAND RAPIDSMICHIGAN IS THEIR MORNING

TEAM THE FREE BEER AND HOTWINGS SHOW.

OR EARLY BUZZ WITH OSCAR ANDTHE JINK.

>> PATTON.

>> IT HAS TO BE EARLY BUZZWITH OSCAR AND THE JINK.

>> I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE ITAND I KNOW THE REAL ANSWER.

>> THE REAL ANSWER IS, THEREAL ANSWER IS --

FREE BEER AND HOT WINGS!

>> OH MY GOD.

>> I'M NOT GOING BACK THEREALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, ARE YOU WAKING UPTO RUMBLE IN THE MORNING

OR-- PERVY HERVY AND THEDEETS.

>> IT'S GOT TO BE RUMBLE INTHE MORNING BECAUSE PERVY

HERVY AND THE DEETS IS ABAND.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> RUMBLE IN THE MORNING.

(APPLAUSE)>> FINALLY ONE WITH A LADY.

AND SHE'S ONLY THERE TO GOYOU GUYS, COME ON!

HEY!

>> ALL I'M SAYING.

>> I'M JUST JOKING, COME ON,LIGHTEN UP.

>> GUY, GUY, I GOOSE, LET'SGO TO JOE WITH TRAFFIC.

(LAUGHTER)>> TIME TO PLAY WHITE HOUSE.UGh.

LAST WEEK A PETITION WENTONLINE TO THE WHITE HOUSE

TO GIVE ALASKA BACK TORUSSIA.

SO COMEDIANS I WOULD LIKEYOU TO AM COULD UP WITH THE

DUMBEST WHITEHOUSE.GOVPETITIONS YOU CAN THINK OF.

I'M EXCITED FOR WHAT YOU'REARE ABOUT TO DO HERE, GO.

>> REDUCE MUMFORD AND SONSBY AT LEAST TWO SONS.

>> POINTS.

>> MORE DOKKEN AND LESSDOCKERS.

>> OKAY, POINTS.

>> PATTON>> I WANT A BALLOON.

(LAUGHTER)>> POINTS.

>> U.S. OUT OF MY DREAMS AGEINTO MY CAR.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FORTHAT.

>> BLAINE.

>> KEEP MY WIFE OUT OF MYBROWSER HISTORY.

>> POINTS.

>> YES, PATTON.

>> NEW GUANTANAMO BAY, BUT ONLYFOR NANCY GRACE.

>> WOW, POINTS.

>> BRIAN.

>> CHANGE NATIONAL ANTHEM TO THE INSPECTOR GADGET THEME.

>> OH CAN YOU SEE BY THE DAWN'SEARLY LIGHTS.

>> I LOVE YOU.

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