Ford, Benson, Roy, Shubert

  • Season 4, Ep 0410
  • 12/17/2000

OH, MAN.

WHAT A TREAT.

GOD, DO I LOOK A LITTLE BIT

TIRED?

OH MAN, I COULDN'T GET TO SLEEP

LAST NIGHT.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD YOUR PARENTS

HAVING SEX?

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

THAT IS THE WORST SOUND

IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW, I'M LAYING IN BED,

I'M JUST ABOUT ASLEEP, AND ALL

OF A SUDDEN YOU HEAR THE MOANING

AND THE SIGHING AND THE BED

CREAKING, AND FINALLY I'M LIKE,

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

I ROLL OVER AND I SAY,

"LOOK, GET THE HELL BACK TO YOUR

OWN ROOM 'CAUSE I GOT A SHOW

TO DO TOMORROW, YOU DIRTY,

NUTTY, NUT-NUTS."

PEOPLE DO ANYTHING TO GET LAID

NOWADAYS, THOUGH, HUH?

GOD, I SAW THIS GIRL THE OTHER

NIGHT IN A BAR, SHE GREW HER

FINGERNAILS SIX INCHES LONG.

SIX INCHES LONG!

AND I KNOW IN HER MIND SHE

THOUGHT IT LOOKED REAL SEXY,

BUT IN MY MIND I COULD NOT LOOK

AT HER WITHOUT PICTURING HER

KNEELING BESIDE A RIVER SWATTING

SALMON OUT OF THE AIR.

SOME KINDA GRIZZLY WOMAN, MAN!

ALL RIGHT.

"ATTRACTIVE," 'CAUSE, LET ME

TELL YOU HOW I STARTED MY DAY.

>> AUDIENCE MEMBER: UH-OH.

>> CANDY: OH, EXACTLY.

A WOMAN SAYS TO ME,

"OOH, LOOK AT YOU!

YOU PRETTY TO BE SO BLACK!"

(LAUGHTER)

SO I RESPONDED APPROPRIATELY.

I SAID, "WHY, THANK YOU!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

'CAUSE I TRY SO HARD!"

SO, A FRIEND OF MINE, HER SHOES

BROKE.

YOU KNOW THOSE LITTLE STRAPPY

ALLIGATOR THINGS ALL THE GIRLS

WEAR?

AND SHE WAS GONNA THROW 'EM OUT

AND I SAID, "DON'T DO THAT.

THEY'RE GOLD.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE BY A ROUND OF APPLAUSE,

TELL ME, HOW MANY OF YOU ARE

REMINDED OF THE GIRL AT THE DMV?

(APPLAUSE)

"I AM THE MANAGER.

I AM-- SIR!

SIR!

EXCUSE ME.

I AM VERY AWARE OF YOUR ANGER

AND CONFUSION.

DOING WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING,

I SAY, WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

IN THE MEANTIME, YOU NEED TO

TREK YOUR LITTLE ASS ALONG

THE BLUE LINE AND GO TO SECTION

A, LINE 2 LIKE I TOLD YOU.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

SO I WENT TO A SKI RESORT.

I KNOW, ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE

ARE LIKE, "WHY?"

'CAUSE I NEVER'D BEEN SKIING

BEFORE, I FIGURED I'D GIVE IT

A SHOT.

AND THERE WAS ONLY A HANDFUL

OF US BLACK PEOPLE THERE.

AND, UH--

BUT IT NEVER FAILS.

AND, I DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF

THE OTHER BLACK PEOPLE THERE,

LET'S JUST MAKE THAT CLEAR,

BUT I ALWAYS GOT THAT QUESTION.

(VALLEY GIRL VOICE) "EXCUSE ME,

THERE'S ANOTHER, UM, BLACK

PERSON UP ON THE MOUNTAIN OVER

THERE.

I MEAN, THEY'RE KINDA GOOD,

I'M NOT SURE, BUT I WAS

WONDERING, DO YOU GUYS KNOW

EACH OTHER?"

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I TRIED TO KEEP IT A SECRET

AND I CAN'T ANYMORE.

WE ACTUALLY ALL DO KNOW

EACH OTHER.

WE MEET ONCE A YEAR IN

DODGER STADIUM.

THE NAMING OF BLACK CHILDREN

HAS GOT TO STOP.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S DONE,

BUT I'M HERE TO PREACH THAT IT

HAS TO STOP TODAY.

I GREW UP IN COMPTON AND MY

FRIENDS WOULD SAY, "CANDY,

THAT'S A WHITE NAME."

I'M LIKE, "WHY?

'CAUSE I CAN SPELL IT?

I SAW A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL.

SHE WAS ACTUALLY THE LITTLE GIRL

OF MY BEST FRIEND'S COUSIN.

BEAUTIFUL.

AFRO-PUFFS, BIG ALMOND-SHAPED

EYES AND CHOCOLATE SKIN,

AND I LEANED INTO HER AND

I SAID, "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

AND I HEAR THIS GLARING VOICE

BEHIND ME.

HER MOTHER.

"'I'M-UNIQUE!'"

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL BITE.

"HOW DO YOU SPELL IT?"

"O-M-Y-U-N-I-Q-U-E."

I SAID, "WELL, THE BRIGHT SIDE

IS, SHE'S TOO YOUNG TO KNOW

SHE'S SCREWED."

THAT'S THE BRIGHT SIDE ABOUT IT.

ANYBODY WATCH THE CROCODILE

HUNTER?

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

I KNOW HE'S PASSE, BUT I LOVE

THAT DUDE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT TO SEE

HIM--?

I WANT TO SEE HIM GET WITH A

BLACK WOMAN.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE.

(LAUGHS)

(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)

AS YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN WITH

THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS

CREATURES, BUT NOTHING HAS

PREPARED ME FOR THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

THE SIGHTING OF AN AMERICAN

BLACK FEMALE.

OH, LOOK AT HER, SHE'S KINDA

BIG, AND SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, BUT OF

COURSE HER DEFENSE MECHANISMS,

HER HEAD MOVING TO AND FRO,

MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO TELL.

(LAUGHTER)

THEIR VORACIOUS APPETITES CAN BE

LETHAL, SO I CARRY A GOODY-BAG

WITH ME.

IT CONTAINS A WAD OF THE

BENJAMINS, A COUPLE OF BATCHES

OF CHICKEN-FRIED DINNERS, AND

STRAWBERRY AND/OR GRAPE SODA.

Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

(LAUGHTER)

OKAY, THIS LOOKS KINDA ROUGH,

SO THIS MIGHT BE A TWO-PARTER.

I'M GONNA WAIT A LITTLE WHILE,

OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT, WE'RE GONNA

TAKE IT 'TIL TOMORROW.

STAY TUNED, WHEN WE MEET UP

WITH ONE OF HER BABY'S DADDIES."

(LAUGHTER)

SOMETHING THAT MIGHT BE A LITTLE

CONTROVERSIAL.

YOU MIGHT NOT ALL AGREE WITH IT.

I HATE TRAFFIC.

NOW HEAR ME OUT!

I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE "FER" IT,

BUT I'M "AGAIN" IT.

AND HERE'S WHY. THE TRAFFIC IN

LOS ANGELES HAS GOTTEN SO BAD,

THAT SOMETIMES NOW YOU HAVE TO

SIT IN A LINE OF CARS TO WAIT

YOUR TURN TO GET ONTO A FREEWAY

THAT'S NOT EVEN MOVING.

AND I'M SITTING ONE DAY WAITING

TO GET ON THE FREEWAY, RIGHT?

I'M WAITING MY ASS OFF,

AND I LOOK OVER BY THE SIDE OF

THE ROAD, AND THERE'S A

HITCHHIKER WITH A SIGN, AND IT

SAY, "PICK ME UP, AND YOU CAN

DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE."

(LAUGHTER)

I GOTTA TELL YOU, HE WAS KINDA

SMELLY, BUT HE WAS A GOOD

CONVERSATIONALIST.

(LAUGHTER)

ANOTHER THING THAT I DON'T ENJOY

IS ALL THE STUFF THAT PEOPLE PUT

ON THE BACK OF THEIR CARS THAT

I HAVE TO READ 'CAUSE I'M A

GOOD-- GOOD DRIVER, AND I'M

LOOKING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, THEY'LL PUT A BUMPER

STICKER ON THERE THAT SAYS

SOMETHING LIKE, "MY GRANDCHILD

IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT DUMB-ASS

SCHOOL."

(LAUGHTER)

WHO CARES?!

NOBODY!

I HATE HOW ALL THE, LIKE,

HIP HOP BANDS OF TODAY WILL PUT

CRAZY SOUND EFFECTS INTO THEIR

SONGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE A POLICE OR AMBULANCE SIREN

IN A TUNE?

BECAUSE, I CAN OWN THE CD,

RIGHT?

I CAN LISTEN TO IT 50 GAMILLION

TIMES IN MY CAR, I STILL FALL

FOR IT EVERY TIME!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME SCENARIO.

I'LL BE DRIVING ALONG LISTENING

TO THE BEASTIE BOYS,

IT'LL BE LIKE, INTERGALACTIC

(SIREN SOUND)"

OH NO!

AM I IN SOME SORT OF TROUBLE?

ARE LIVES HANGING IN THE

BALANCE?

WHY AM I YELLING?

HAVE I MENTIONED YET THAT I'M

GREAT IN BED?

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

I'M NOT JOKING AROUND.

I AM EXCELLENT IN THE OLD

SACKAROO.

YEAH.

THAT'S BECAUSE I DO THINGS

FOR THE LADIES.

(CHEERING)

YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I DO THINGS FOR THE LADIES

THAT THEY APPRECIATE.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

DURING THE ACT OF LOVEMAKING,

I WILL ACTUALLY WARN THE WOMAN

WHEN I'M ABOUT READY TO WRAP

IT UP.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK THAT'S A VERY SWEET

GESTURE.

I'LL WHISPER SOMETHING ROMANTIC

IN HER EAR LIKE, "T- MINUS

TEN SECONDS!

NINE!

EIGHT!

OOPS!

(LAUGHTER)

SORRY, NICE LADY!"

I'M IN, UH, IN FROM

NEW HAMPSHIRE.

MY LITTLE BROTHER'S BACK THERE.

HE'S 17 YEARS OLD, LIVES IN NEW

HAMPSHIRE, AND HE'S A GANGSTA G.

(CHEERING)

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT?

HE'S ONE OF THESE KIDS WITH

THE LITTLE HAT ON SIDEWAYS,

THE HALF SHIRT, THE PANTS

HALFWAY DOWN HIS ASS.

HE'S-- HIM AND HIS FRIENDS,

HIS LITTLE HOMEBOYS, HIS POSSE,

THEY ALL THINK THEY'RE IN A

GANG.

IN NEW HAMPSHIRE!

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE HANGING OUT AT THE MALL

AS IF THAT WERE THEIR 'HOOD!

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, YOU LIVE IN

NEW HAMPSHIRE!

HOW TOUGH ARE YOU?

YOUR 'HOOD IS A CUL-DE-SAC

BETWEEN HAPPY LANE AND PLEASANT

STREET, PAL!

YOU AND YOUR HOMEBOYS ARE

CRUISING THE 'HOOD FOR BITCHES

IN THE BACK OF MOM'S MINIVAN!"

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHERE I'M FROM.

I GREW UP A FAT KID.

REMEMBER ALL THE FAT KID NAMES

YOU LITTLE THIN BASTARDS HAD FOR

GUYS LIKE ME GROWING UP?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU REMEMBER 'EM?

"CHUBBY," "FATSO," STUFF LIKE

THAT.

MY MOM ACTUALLY HAD THE WORST

ONE.

SHE NEVER USED TO SAY I WAS FAT.

SHE USED TO JUST SAY I WAS

PUFFY.

STRAIGHT UP.

MY LITTLE BROTHER NEVER MADE FUN

OF MY WEIGHT, MAN.

HE KNEW HE COULDN'T,

OR I'D NEVER LOAN HIM MY PANTS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

DUMBEST THING I EVER LOANED

MY LITTLE BROTHER WAS $4,000.00

SO HE COULD BUY A CAR.

HE PAID $500.00 FOR THE CAR.

QUICK MATH WILL TELL YOU,

THERE'S 3500 BUCKS LEFT IN

THE BUDGET.

THERE'S A $3500.00 SOUND SYSTEM

IN A $500.00 CAR.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY I'M ANGRY.

I'M HOLLERING AT HIM, HE'S LIKE,

"DUDE, MY RIDE HAS MUCH SOUND!

OOHH!"

I'M LIKE, "NO, NO, NO, LITTLE

TUPAC.

NO.

NO.

YOUR RIDE HAS MUCH RUST,

IS WHAT IT HAS.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME OUT HERE

FOR THE SUMMER.

THAT WAS THE DEAL.

HE WAS GONNA SPEND THE SUMMER

WITH ME.

I PICK HIM UP FROM THE AIRPORT--

IT LASTED ONE DAY--

I PICKED HIM UP FROM THE

AIRPORT, TOOK HIM STRAIGHT

TO SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES.

OH YEAH, YEEH!

(LAUGHTER)

HE WENT BACK TO NEW HAMPSHIRE

WITH THOSE PANTS SHOVED UP HIS

ASS.

(LAUGHTER AND

STORE.

I'M 6'4", THAT MAKES ME A TALL,

IF I WANT SHIRT SLEEVES THAT FIT

THE RIGHT LENGTH, THAT'S WHERE

I GO.

YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE BIG &

TALL STORE?

THAT'S WHERE YOU LITTLE THIN

BASTARDS SEND US FOLKS TO SHOP.

WE DON'T GET ANY COOL BRAND

NAMES.

YOU LITTLE THIN PEOPLE HOG

THOSE.

YOU GET THE GAPS AND THE POLOS

AND THE FUBU.

WE DON'T GET NO FUBU.

WE GET BIZARRE FAT PEOPLE BRAND

NAMES, LIKE "KNIGHTS OF

THE ROUND TABLE."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M A KNIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I'VE SEEN THIS AT THE BIG & TALL

STORE.

I'VE SEEN THIS: A PAIR OF PANTS

IN A SIZE 50W 30L.

WHEW!

50W 30L!

FRIEND, WHEN YOUR PANT SIZE

IS ALSO A MOTOR OIL VISCOSITY...

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK THERE'S A NEED FOR SOME

REDIRECTION IN YOUR DIET

PROGRAM.

I RAN INTO MY 3RD GRADE GYM

TEACHER AT THE BIG & TALL STORE.

YOU REMEMBER 3RD GRADE GYM

CLASS, THEY TAUGHT YOU DODGE

BALL?

GYM TEACHER'D LINE UP ALL THOSE

LITTLE RED BALLS IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE GYM FLOOR, YOU RUN FROM

THE WALL TO THE BALLS,

BACK TO THE WALL, YOU START

PEGGING YOUR FRIENDS?

I NEVER EVEN MADE IT TO

THE BALLS BEFORE...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"OW!"

BE LYING ON THE GYM FLOOR IN A

BIG CONCUSSION, WELTS ALL OVER

MY HEAD.

GO HOME, MY MOM WOULDN'T EVEN

NOTICE THE WELTS, SHE JUST

THOUGHT I GOT PUFFIER.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, LOS ANGELES.

YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS TOWN, MAN.

YOU SEE ALL KINDS OF FREAKY

STUFF.

I WAS DRIVING AROUND TODAY,

I PULL OFF THE FREEWAY,

I GET STUCK AT THE BOTTOM

OF THE OFF-RAMP.

THERE'S A GUY STANDING THERE,

HAD TO BE TIPPING THE SCALES

AT A SMOOTH 420 POUNDS.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY HE WAS FAT,

LET'S SAY HE WAS GRAVITATIONALLY

CHALLENGED.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, THE BACK OF HIS NECK

LOOKED LIKE A PACKAGE OF BALL

PARK FRANKS.

AND HE'S HOLDING A CARDBOARD

SIGN THAT SAYS, "WILL WORK FOR

FOOD."

(LAUGHTER)

THE AUDACITY OF IT!

I'M SCREAMING OUT MY CAR WINDOW,

"HEY!

TAKE SOME TIME OFF, WILL YA?

(LAUGHTER)

WHO ARE YOU, A WORKAHOLIC?

GIVE SOMEBODY ELSE A CHANCE,

YOU BASTARD!"

ANYWAY, IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

I WAS JUST BACK VISITING MY

FAMILY.

SAW MY GRANDMOTHER, WHICH WAS

GREAT.

DON'T GET TO SEE HER ENOUGH.

I WALK IN HER HOUSE, FIRST THING

SHE SAYS TO ME IS, "JIMMY, LAST

TIME I SAW YOU, YOU WERE THIS

HIGH."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO,

GRAMS.

YOU HOLDIN'?"

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE GRANDMA'S

PRETTY HEAVILY-MEDICATED

MOST OF THE TIME HERSELF.

SHE LIKES TO TAKE THOSE BUS

RIDES UP INTO CANADA,

GET THAT CHEAP PHARMACEUTICAL.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY SHE'S ON

MEDICATION BUT SHE HAS AN ELVIS

PEZ DISPENSER WITH VALIUM IN IT.

(LAUGHTER)

THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL, AND THEY

HAD THIS DOCUMENTARY ON ABOUT

THESE SIAMESE TWINS, BUT YOU

CAN'T REALLY CALL 'EM SIAMESE

TWINS, THEY'RE CALLED CONJOINAL

TWINS NOW.

I WAS WATCHING THIS.

I FELT BAD FOR THEM, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE THE THING IS, YOU TAKE

THINGS FOR GRANTED BEING ONE

PERSON.

I MEAN, COULD YOU IMAGINE HAVING

SOMEBODY ELSE CONNECTED TO YOU?

THAT WOULD SUCK, I'M SORRY!

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THE WEIRD THING WAS, IT WAS

LIKE, THE ONE LADY WAS, LIKE,

SHE WAS LIKE A REGULAR-SIZED

LADY, AND THEN CONNECTED TO HER

HEAD WAS A MUCH SMALLER PERSON.

I MEAN THERE'S REALLY NO NICE

WAY TO SAY IT.

THE LADY HAD A MIDGET HANGING

OFF HER HEAD.

SHE HAD TO WHEEL HER AROUND IN

THIS LITTLE STAND LIKE SHE WAS

A BAD PUPPET ACT OR SOMETHING.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT

I SAW!

AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE FUNNY

PART.

THE ONE LADY WANTS TO BE A

COUNTRY WESTERN SINGER.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT HERE?

UNBELIEVABLE.

AND NO ONE HAD THE HEART TO TELL

HER, "YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY CAN'T

BE A COUNTRY WESTERN SINGER WITH

A MIDGET HANGING OFF YOUR ON A

STICK THAT YOU'RE WHEELING

AROUND.

LIKE, WHY DON'T YOU BECOME

A VENTRILOQUIST FOR GOD'S SAKES,

YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE!

BUT A COUNTRY WESTERN SINGER,

MY GOD!

YOU'RE GOING AGAINST

SHANIA TWAIN!"

IT'S NOT LIKE A MOLE WITH A

COUPLE OF HAIRS COMING OUT OF

IT.

IT'S A MIDGET!

AND FIRST OFF, LET'S NOT GET

CRAZY, ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT EVEN TAKING THINGS FROM

THE MIDGET'S SIDE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, THINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH

YOU'RE A MIDGET, AND THEN YOU

WIND UP CONNECTED TO A COUNTRY

SINGER?

HOW BAD WOULD THAT SUCK?

I MEAN, IT'S JUST TOUGH!

IT'S JUST TOUGH!

YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU CAN'T EVEN GO ON A REGULAR

DATE.

HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION.

LET'S SAY YOU WERE ATTRACTED

TO THE COUNTRY WESTERN SINGER,

AND YOU WANTED TO TAKE HER

ON A DATE.

YOU KNOW?

YOU GOTTA PICK UP DINNER

FOR THE MIDGET, TOO?

WHAT'S THE ETIQUETTE ON THAT?

I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST ASKING!

I DON'T KNOW!

AND GOD FORBID YOU GOT LUCKY,

AND YOU WERE HAVING SEX

WITH THE COUNTRY WESTERN SINGER

AND YOU'RE GOING AT IT, AND THE

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THE MIDGET

STARTS TAKING OFF HER CLOTHES.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MIDGET?

I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR SISTER.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, YOU CREEPY LITTLE

MIDGET!

ALL RIGHT, YOU CREEPY LITTLE

MIDGET.

COME ON!

HEY!

COME ON!

HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE?!

LISTEN, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT

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