Ford, Benson, Roy, Shubert

  • Season 4, Ep 410
  • 12/18/2000

Candy Ford describes her first time skiing, Jimmy Shubert feels sorry for conjoined twins, and Doug Benson voices a controversial opinion about traffic.

OH, MAN.

WHAT A TREAT.

GOD, DO I LOOK A LITTLE BIT

TIRED?

OH MAN, I COULDN'T GET TO SLEEP

LAST NIGHT.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD YOUR PARENTS

HAVING SEX?

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

THAT IS THE WORST SOUND

IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW, I'M LAYING IN BED,

I'M JUST ABOUT ASLEEP, AND ALL

OF A SUDDEN YOU HEAR THE MOANING

AND THE SIGHING AND THE BED

CREAKING, AND FINALLY I'M LIKE,

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

I ROLL OVER AND I SAY,

"LOOK, GET THE HELL BACK TO YOUR

OWN ROOM 'CAUSE I GOT A SHOW

TO DO TOMORROW, YOU DIRTY,

NUTTY, NUT-NUTS."

PEOPLE DO ANYTHING TO GET LAID

NOWADAYS, THOUGH, HUH?

GOD, I SAW THIS GIRL THE OTHER

NIGHT IN A BAR, SHE GREW HER

FINGERNAILS SIX INCHES LONG.

SIX INCHES LONG!

AND I KNOW IN HER MIND SHE

THOUGHT IT LOOKED REAL SEXY,

BUT IN MY MIND I COULD NOT LOOK

AT HER WITHOUT PICTURING HER

KNEELING BESIDE A RIVER SWATTING

SALMON OUT OF THE AIR.

SOME KINDA GRIZZLY WOMAN, MAN!

ALL RIGHT.

SOMETHING THAT MIGHT BE A LITTLE

CONTROVERSIAL.

YOU MIGHT NOT ALL AGREE WITH IT.

I HATE TRAFFIC.

NOW HEAR ME OUT!

I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE "FER" IT,

BUT I'M "AGAIN" IT.

AND HERE'S WHY. THE TRAFFIC IN

LOS ANGELES HAS GOTTEN SO BAD,

THAT SOMETIMES NOW YOU HAVE TO

SIT IN A LINE OF CARS TO WAIT

YOUR TURN TO GET ONTO A FREEWAY

THAT'S NOT EVEN MOVING.

AND I'M SITTING ONE DAY WAITING

TO GET ON THE FREEWAY, RIGHT?

I'M WAITING MY ASS OFF,

AND I LOOK OVER BY THE SIDE OF

THE ROAD, AND THERE'S A

HITCHHIKER WITH A SIGN, AND IT

SAY, "PICK ME UP, AND YOU CAN

DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE."

(LAUGHTER)

I GOTTA TELL YOU, HE WAS KINDA

SMELLY, BUT HE WAS A GOOD

CONVERSATIONALIST.

(LAUGHTER)

ANOTHER THING THAT I DON'T ENJOY

IS ALL THE STUFF THAT PEOPLE PUT

ON THE BACK OF THEIR CARS THAT

I HAVE TO READ 'CAUSE I'M A

GOOD-- GOOD DRIVER, AND I'M

LOOKING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, THEY'LL PUT A BUMPER

STICKER ON THERE THAT SAYS

SOMETHING LIKE, "MY GRANDCHILD

IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT DUMB-ASS

SCHOOL."

(LAUGHTER)

WHO CARES?!

NOBODY!

I HATE HOW ALL THE, LIKE,

HIP HOP BANDS OF TODAY WILL PUT

CRAZY SOUND EFFECTS INTO THEIR

SONGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE A POLICE OR AMBULANCE SIREN

IN A TUNE?

BECAUSE, I CAN OWN THE CD,

RIGHT?

I CAN LISTEN TO IT 50 GAMILLION

TIMES IN MY CAR, I STILL FALL

FOR IT EVERY TIME!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME SCENARIO.

I'LL BE DRIVING ALONG LISTENING

TO THE BEASTIE BOYS,

IT'LL BE LIKE, INTERGALACTIC

(SIREN SOUND)"

OH NO!

AM I IN SOME SORT OF TROUBLE?

ARE LIVES HANGING IN THE

BALANCE?

WHY AM I YELLING?

HAVE I MENTIONED YET THAT I'M

GREAT IN BED?

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

I'M NOT JOKING AROUND.

I AM EXCELLENT IN THE OLD

SACKAROO.

YEAH.

THAT'S BECAUSE I DO THINGS

FOR THE LADIES.

(CHEERING)

YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I DO THINGS FOR THE LADIES

THAT THEY APPRECIATE.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

DURING THE ACT OF LOVEMAKING,

I WILL ACTUALLY WARN THE WOMAN

WHEN I'M ABOUT READY TO WRAP

IT UP.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK THAT'S A VERY SWEET

GESTURE.

I'LL WHISPER SOMETHING ROMANTIC

IN HER EAR LIKE, "T- MINUS

TEN SECONDS!

NINE!

EIGHT!

OOPS!

(LAUGHTER)

SORRY, NICE LADY!"

ALL RIGHT, LOS ANGELES.

YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS TOWN, MAN.

YOU SEE ALL KINDS OF FREAKY

STUFF.

I WAS DRIVING AROUND TODAY,

I PULL OFF THE FREEWAY,

I GET STUCK AT THE BOTTOM

OF THE OFF-RAMP.

THERE'S A GUY STANDING THERE,

HAD TO BE TIPPING THE SCALES

AT A SMOOTH 420 POUNDS.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY HE WAS FAT,

LET'S SAY HE WAS GRAVITATIONALLY

CHALLENGED.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, THE BACK OF HIS NECK

LOOKED LIKE A PACKAGE OF BALL

PARK FRANKS.

AND HE'S HOLDING A CARDBOARD

SIGN THAT SAYS, "WILL WORK FOR

FOOD."

(LAUGHTER)

THE AUDACITY OF IT!

I'M SCREAMING OUT MY CAR WINDOW,

"HEY!

TAKE SOME TIME OFF, WILL YA?

(LAUGHTER)

WHO ARE YOU, A WORKAHOLIC?

GIVE SOMEBODY ELSE A CHANCE,

YOU BASTARD!"

ANYWAY, IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

I WAS JUST BACK VISITING MY

FAMILY.

SAW MY GRANDMOTHER, WHICH WAS

GREAT.

DON'T GET TO SEE HER ENOUGH.

I WALK IN HER HOUSE, FIRST THING

SHE SAYS TO ME IS, "JIMMY, LAST

TIME I SAW YOU, YOU WERE THIS

HIGH."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO,

GRAMS.

YOU HOLDIN'?"

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE GRANDMA'S

PRETTY HEAVILY-MEDICATED

MOST OF THE TIME HERSELF.

SHE LIKES TO TAKE THOSE BUS

RIDES UP INTO CANADA,

GET THAT CHEAP PHARMACEUTICAL.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY SHE'S ON

MEDICATION BUT SHE HAS AN ELVIS

PEZ DISPENSER WITH VALIUM IN IT.

(LAUGHTER)

THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL, AND THEY

HAD THIS DOCUMENTARY ON ABOUT

THESE SIAMESE TWINS, BUT YOU

CAN'T REALLY CALL 'EM SIAMESE

TWINS, THEY'RE CALLED CONJOINAL

TWINS NOW.

I WAS WATCHING THIS.

I FELT BAD FOR THEM, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE THE THING IS, YOU TAKE

THINGS FOR GRANTED BEING ONE

PERSON.

I MEAN, COULD YOU IMAGINE HAVING

SOMEBODY ELSE CONNECTED TO YOU?

THAT WOULD SUCK, I'M SORRY!

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THE WEIRD THING WAS, IT WAS

LIKE, THE ONE LADY WAS, LIKE,

SHE WAS LIKE A REGULAR-SIZED

LADY, AND THEN CONNECTED TO HER

HEAD WAS A MUCH SMALLER PERSON.

I MEAN THERE'S REALLY NO NICE

WAY TO SAY IT.

THE LADY HAD A MIDGET HANGING

OFF HER HEAD.

SHE HAD TO WHEEL HER AROUND IN

THIS LITTLE STAND LIKE SHE WAS

A BAD PUPPET ACT OR SOMETHING.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT

I SAW!

AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE FUNNY

PART.

THE ONE LADY WANTS TO BE A

COUNTRY WESTERN SINGER.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT HERE?

UNBELIEVABLE.

AND NO ONE HAD THE HEART TO TELL

HER, "YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY CAN'T

BE A COUNTRY WESTERN SINGER WITH

A MIDGET HANGING OFF YOUR ON A

STICK THAT YOU'RE WHEELING

AROUND.

LIKE, WHY DON'T YOU BECOME

A VENTRILOQUIST FOR GOD'S SAKES,

YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE!

BUT A COUNTRY WESTERN SINGER,

MY GOD!

YOU'RE GOING AGAINST

SHANIA TWAIN!"

IT'S NOT LIKE A MOLE WITH A

COUPLE OF HAIRS COMING OUT OF

IT.

IT'S A MIDGET!

AND FIRST OFF, LET'S NOT GET

CRAZY, ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT EVEN TAKING THINGS FROM

THE MIDGET'S SIDE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, THINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH

YOU'RE A MIDGET, AND THEN YOU

WIND UP CONNECTED TO A COUNTRY

SINGER?

HOW BAD WOULD THAT SUCK?

I MEAN, IT'S JUST TOUGH!

IT'S JUST TOUGH!

YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU CAN'T EVEN GO ON A REGULAR

DATE.

HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION.

LET'S SAY YOU WERE ATTRACTED

TO THE COUNTRY WESTERN SINGER,

AND YOU WANTED TO TAKE HER

ON A DATE.

YOU KNOW?

YOU GOTTA PICK UP DINNER

FOR THE MIDGET, TOO?

WHAT'S THE ETIQUETTE ON THAT?

I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST ASKING!

I DON'T KNOW!

AND GOD FORBID YOU GOT LUCKY,

AND YOU WERE HAVING SEX

WITH THE COUNTRY WESTERN SINGER

AND YOU'RE GOING AT IT, AND THE

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THE MIDGET

STARTS TAKING OFF HER CLOTHES.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MIDGET?

I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR SISTER.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, YOU CREEPY LITTLE

MIDGET!

ALL RIGHT, YOU CREEPY LITTLE

MIDGET.

COME ON!

HEY!

COME ON!

HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE?!

LISTEN, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT