Monday, January 13, 2014

  • 01/13/2014

Cristela Alonzo, Matt Braunger and Kyle Kinane create professional wrestling TV show titles, spot the fake event on Eventbrite and build ridiculous Tumblr blogs.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN WITH

THE CORRECT ANSWER GET 100

POINTS.

CELEBRITIES HAVE TO BE EXTRA

CAREFUL NOW WITH THE GOLDEN

GLOBES.

GAFFES BECOME GIFS AND ONE

WEIRD MOMENT ON THE INTERNET IS

FOR AN ETERNITY.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS AN

ACTUAL TREND BORN OUT OF THE

VODKA SWEATS OF SUNDAY'S GOLDEN

GLOBES?

A) SWIFTING, WHICH IS PHOTO

BOMBING WITH THIS FACE IN THE

BACKGROUND.

THAT'S TAYLOR SWIFT LOOKING AT

HUMANS FOR THE FIRST TIME FACE

TO FACE.

IS IT DIDDYING, B) PUTTING

CUCUMBER PATCHES UNDER YOUR EYES

LIKE DIDDY DID ON INSTAGRAM TO

PREP FOR THE GOLDEN GLOBES?

OR IS IT C) LAWRENCING, USING

USING HOUSEHOLD ITEMS TO MATCH

THIS AMAZING PICTURE OF

JENNIFER LAWRENCE?

YES, CRISTELA?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH C,

AND I THINK I'VE DONE THAT

BEFORE WHEN I WAS DRUNK.

>> Chris: WELL, LET'S SEE.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS IN FACT C,

THAT IS JENNIFER LAWRENCING.

TIP OF THE MATTRESS PAD TO

COLTON HAYNES, AMERICAN ACTOR

AND MODEL, FOR INSTAGRAMING THIS

TREND.

IT WILL GO ON FOREVER AND EVER

AMEN.

THIS WAS HAPPENING QUITE A

BIT ON THE INTERNET LAST NIGHT

AND IT TURNS OUT THE TREND WAS

ACTUALLY BIGGER THAN WE THOUGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LAST NIGHT ON INSTAGRAM, PHOTOS

STARTED POPPING UP OF EVERYONE'S

FAVORITE PARTY MAYOR ROB FORD

HAVING A NIGHT OUT AT A TORONTO

NIGHTCLUB CALLED MUSIK.

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE THIS GUY

JUST FINALLY CUTTING LOOSE.

(LAUGHTER)

TAKING THE BREAK HE NEEDS FROM

THE JOB WHERE ALL OF HIS POWERS

HAVE BEEN STRIPPED.

ONE INSTAGRAM USER MANAGED TO

SNAG A PICTURE WITH FORD

CAPTIONING IT "BOOZIN' WITH THE

MAYOR" AND WHICH OF THE

FOLLOWING HASHTAGS?

A) #ILLVOTEFORYOU

(LAUGHTER)

B) #SWEATYTOMATOHEAD

OR C) #CRACKROCKTHEVOTE?

MATT BRAUNGER?

>> I'VE GOT TO GO WITH A,

BECAUSE I THINK THAT'S THE ONE

AND ALSO THAT'S WHAT I WOULD SAY

IF I WAS HAMMERED IN ONE WORD

LIKE THAT LIKE

I'LL-VOTE-FOR-YOU.

>> Chris: YES, THE CORRECT

ANSWER IS A #ILLVOTEFORYOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HOW CAN YOU NOT VOTE FOR THAT

GUY?

>> THE PEOPLE LOVE HIM.

I WAS IN TORONTO AND I SAID

FIRST OFF, NO ROB FORD JOKES,

THE PLACE WENT INSANE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SO THEY DIDN'T WANT

ROB FORD JOKES OR THEY DO WANT

ROB FORD JOKES?

>> THEY DON'T WANT THEM BECAUSE

THEY'VE ELECTED HOMER SIMPSON

AS THEIR LEADER.

(LAUGHTER)

HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LAST WEEK THE WWE ANNOUNCED THEY

ARE STARTING THEIR OWN 24-HOUR

WRESTLING NETWORK.

"(BLEEP) YEAH, AMERICA!

I DON'T EVEN NEED TO LEAVE THE

HOUSE!"

WITH THAT IN MIND, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS WRESTLING T.V. SHOWS.

WRESTLING T.V. SHOWS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "C.M. PUNKED"

OR "HOW I BODY SLAMMED YOUR

MOTHER" OR "HULK HOGAN'S

HEROES".

THOSE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF

THOSE.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, BUZZ IN WHEN YOU GOT

THEM.

AND GO.

YES, CRISTELA?

>> JAKE THE SNAKE AND THE FAT

MAN.

>> Chris: POINTS!

KYLE?

>> RANDY MACHO MAN VERSUS WILD.

>> Chris: POINTS!

CRISTELA?

>> $6 MILLION MACHO MAN.

>> Chris: POINTS!

BRAUNGER.

>> JERRY LAWLER AND ORDER.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

KYLE?

>> BROCK LESNAR'S TICKLE PARTY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NOT EVEN AN ACTUAL

SHOW, JUST SOMETHING I'D WATCH.

POINTS.

CRISTELA?

>> REMINGTON STEELE CAGE MATCH.

>> Chris: POINTS!

BRAUNGER.

>> TWO MEN AND A MAN WE BROKE IN

HALF.

>> Chris: POINTS!

KYLE.

>> TRIPLE-H. R. PUFNSTUF.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WAY POINTS.

CRISTELA?

>> OWEN HART TO HART.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YOU HAVE A LOT OLDER REFERENCES.

YOU'RE A YOUNG GIRL.

HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT "HART TO

HART"?

>> I USED TO WATCH IT.

>> Chris: HOW DID YOU USED TO

WATCH IT?

>> IN MEXICO IN SPANISH.

>> Chris: OH!

I'M SORRY.

>> WE'RE LIKE 20 YEARS BEHIND.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YEAH, SO IT'S FIRST

RUN.

"WELCOME TO EL CORAZON EL

CORAZON."

>> WE ACTUALLY JUST GOT "SINGLED

OUT" LAST WEEK!

>> Chris: OH NO!

>> YOU'LL NEVER ESCAPE IT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: BRAUNGER, ONE MORE.

>> BROKEN SPINEFELD.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

IT'S TIME TO PLAY YAHOO!

ANSWERS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF YOU'RE A FAN OF CROWD SOURCED

MISINFORMATION AND BORDERLINE

RACISM, YAHOO! ANSWERS IS FOR

YOU!

I'M GOING TO READ A REAL

QUESTION POSTED TO YAHOO!

ANSWERS AND IF YOUR ANSWER IS

BETTER THAN THE YAHOO! FAVORITE

ANSWER YOU GET 250 POINTS.

YOU GUYS READY?

HERE'S THE FIRST QUESTION: HOW

WERE UNICORNS MADE?

I JUST WANT TO KNOW EVERYONE'S

IDEA OF HOW UNICORNS WERE MADE.

THANKSSS!

LOLZ.

YES, KYLE?

>> THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS

UNICORNS, JUST GAY HORSES WITH

TIARAS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I'M ALREADY GOING TO

GIVE YOUR POINTS FOR YOUR

ANSWER.

THE MOST POPULAR ANSWER WAS: A

KID WITH ICE CREAM WAS LIKE,

"OH, PONY."

THE KID TRIED TO RIDE IT BUT

DROPPED HIS ICE CREAM ON THE

PONY'S HEAD, THE CONE STAYED

AND WHEN THE PONY HAD A BABY THE

BABY HAD A HORN.

>> THAT IS SOLID.

THAT IS SOLID.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: IT IS A GOOD ANSWER

BUT I STILL LIKED YOURS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE: "HOW DO I

SUCCESSFULLY FOOL AN ELEPHANT TO

GO TO THE SEA?"

YES, BRAUNGER?

>> 'ELL IF I KNOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: #DADJOKE.

>> JUST KIDDING, YOU TELL THEM

THERE'S NO ELEPHANT GOD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SO YOU (BLEEP) WITH

THEM ON AN EXISTENTIAL LEVEL.

>> AND THE DEPRESSION DRIVES HIM

INTO THE OCEAN.

>> Chris: "EVERYTHING I BELIEVED

IS A LIE."

>> "I PRAY TO YOU EVERY DAY,

GANESH."

>> Chris: THE TOP ANSWER WAS

"PROMISE ICE CREAM AT THE

BEACH."

SO YOU GET POINTS MATT BRAUNGER.

WELL DONE.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,

EVENT OR INVENTED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IN THIS BRAND NEW GAME I'M GOING

TO READ A PAIR OF EVENTS AND FOR

250 POINTS YOU HAVE TO GUESS

WHICH ONE IS AN ACTUAL EVENT

FROM EVENTBRITE.

SO HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

"I LOVE YOU BUT I CAN'T STAND

YOU RIGHT NOW MOTHER DAUGHTER

SEMINAR AND FAIR."

(LAUGHTER)

OR "TRAMPOLINING THROUGH THE

HURT.

OVERCOMING INFIDELITY THROUGH

BOUNCING."

(LAUGHTER)

YES, KYLE?

>> I WANT THE TRAMPOLINING ONE

TO BE TRUE SO BAD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IS THAT YOUR ANSWER?

>> IT DOES INHERENTLY MAKE

EVERYTHING BETTER.

>> Chris: IS THAT YOUR ANSWER?

>> THAT'S MY ANSWER.

>> Chris: NO, THE CORRECT ANSWER

IS "I LOVE YOU BUT I CAN'T STAND

YOU RIGHT NOW MOTHER DAUGHTER

SEMINAR AND FAIR."

(LAUGHTER)

>> THEY SELL T-SHIRTS.

>> Chris: THEY SELL T-SHIRTS.

I MADE THIS MACRAME WITH MY

BITCH MOTHER OVER HERE.

(LAUGHTER)

NEXT ONE "THE FOURTH ANNUAL

AFTERLIFE AWARENESS CONFERENCE"

OR "PLAYING TAPS: TAP DANCING

FOR SENIORS WHO AREN'T DONE

YET."

(LAUGHTER)

>> OH!

>> MY GOD!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU CAN'T CATCH ME IF

I'M ALWAYS MOVING, KIDS!

YES, BRAUNGER?

>> OH, GOD!

I'M GOING TO GO WITH TAP DANCING

FOR SENIORS WHO AREN'T DONE YET

BECAUSE (BLEEP) THAT'S AMAZING.

>> Chris: IT WOULD BE BUT IT'S

THE FOURTH ANNUAL AFTERLIFE

AWARENESS CONFERENCE.

>> I KNEW IT BUT-- WHO CARES?

>> Chris: YOU GUYS AREN'T ANY

GOOD AT GUESSING STUFF.

(LAUGHTER)

NEXT ONE "KARDASHIAN FANTASY

CAMP" OR "TRAPPED IN A ROOM WITH

A ZOMBIE."

YES, CRISTELA?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY "TRAPPED IN

A ROOM WITH A ZOMBIE" BECAUSE

THERE'S NO (BLEEP)ING WAY I'D

EVER DO THE OTHER ONE.

>> Chris: I AGREE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND I'M VERY HAPPY TO SAY

THAT "TRAPPED IN A ROOM WITH A

ZOMBIE" IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.

>> ISN'T THAT THE SAME THING?

>> Chris: THEY ARE PRETTY MUCH

THE SAME THING, YEAH.

NEXT ONE "SCRUNCHO @SPOKENFUNK'S

FIRST FUNK OF THE YEAR" OR "THE

KIDNEY STONE ZUMBA-THON AND

CHILI COOKOFF."

BRAUNGER?

>> SCRUNCHO @SPOKENFUNK'S FIRST

FUNK OF THE YEAR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES, THAT'S THE

CORRECT ANSWER.

POINTS TO YOU MATT BRAUNGER.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE!

THE (BLEEP) THAT'S FOR M.L.K.

DAY?

>> WHAT, YOU'VE NEVER KNOWN

SCRUNCHO?

HE'S A HUGE CIVIL RIGHTS

ACTIVIST.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS LAST GAME IS CALLED TUMBLR?

I HARDLY KNOW HER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)TUMBLR IS A PLATFORM WHERE

ANYONE CAN CREATE A BLOG ABOUTANYTHING NO MATTER HOW

RIDICULOUS IT IS.

SOME TUMBLRS ARE "ANIMALSIN HOODIES" OR "OLD PEOPLE

WRITING ON RESTAURANT FACEBOOKPAGES."

SO FOR 250 POINTS, YOU GUYS, IWANT YOU TO COME UP WITH

TUMBLRS THAT ARE EVEN MORERIDICULOUS THAN REAL TUMBLR

PAGES.

SO LET US BEGIN RIGHT NOW.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, BRAUNGER?

>> BONERS IN GYM SHORTS ON GUYSNOT AT THE GYM.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, CRISTELA?

>> COSBY COSPLAY.

>> Chris: POINTS!

KYLE?

>> GORILLAS WITH HOT BOOBS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: THAT'S ALL OF THEM TO

THIS GUY.

POINTS!

YES, CRISTELA?

>> MY TOKEN ETHNIC FRIENDS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

KYLE?

>> THREE MEN AND A BABY EROTICFAN FICTION.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)YOU KNOW IT'S OUT THERE

SOMEWHERE.

>> Chris: THE AUDIENCE IS WRONG.

THAT WAS AMAZING.

YES, POINTS.

BRAUNGER?

>> PICTURES OF MY MOM'SBOYFRIENDS 1984 TO 2012.

>> Chris: POINTS.

CRISTELA?

>> MEXICAN STAR TREK.

>> Chris: POINTS!

KYLE?

>> HOT DOGS OR LEGS OR TWO DONGSREAL CLOSE TO EACH OTHER.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: I WOULD BE SHOCKED IF

THAT'S NOT A REAL ONE.

POINTS.

BRAUNGER?

>> (BLEEP) YEAH! OLD PEOPLECRYING AT LAST CALL IN BARS.

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