Wednesday, July 23, 2014

  • 07/23/2014

Jonah Ray, Emily V. Gordon and Kumail Nanjiani of The Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail list #ComicConBands, title sequels to bizarre graphic novels and try to make Chris cringe.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )TODAY, THE UNHOLY BECAME REAL.

SKIES TURNED DARK AS SACKCLOTHAND THE RIVERS RAN RED WITH

BLOOD.

YES, TODAY IS ONE DIRECTION'SFOUR-YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

AND LIKE A SWARM OF PRE-TEENLOCUSTS, 1-D FANS ABSOLUTELY

DECIMATED TWITTER WITH THEIR1-DEVOTION.

THEIR HALF-DOZEN WORLDWIDETRENDS INCLUDED #THANKYOU1DFOR,

#HOWIHEARDABOUT1D, AND#FOURYEARSAGOFIVESTRANGERSBECAME

FIVEBROTHERS.

OH, ( BLEEP ).

>> OH, GOD.

( LAUGHTER )>> ARE YOU CRYING, TOO.

>> YES.

>> ARE YOU CRYING, TOO?

>> I KNOW YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUTTHE OTHERS BUT WHO IS BOOM

NAKANAGANDA?

>> BOOM! NAKANAGANDA!>> BOOM!

ALL RIGHT. THERE WERE PLENTY OFLESSER-USED 1-D HASHTAGS.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS REAL?

A, #MYVAGINALOVES1DB, #THEREISNOGODONLYONEDIRECTION

C, #GIMMETHAT1DICK( LAUGHTER )

WHICH WOULD SUGGEST THAT THEFIVE OF THEM JUST SHARE ONE

DICK.

( LAUGHTER )>> NO, I GET TO TAKE IT OUT

TONIGHT, MILES.

JONAH.

>> B., THERE IS NO GOD ONLY ONEDIRECTION BECAUSE IF THERE IS

ONE DIRECTION THERE IS NO GOD.

>> I DO APPRECIATE YOUR LOGICBUT I BELIEVE THE CORRECT ANSWER

IS A, #MYVAGINALOVES1D

BY THE WAY, MY VAGAINA LOVES 1DCOULD MEAN A LOT OF DIFFERENT

THINGS.

>> I MEAN, I'VE SAID IT.

WE'VE ALL SAID IT, RIGHT?

CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, OURSHOW DID NOT INVENT USING SOCIAL

MEDIA FOR CROWDSOURCE COMEDY.

I WILL TAKE CREDIT FOR BEING THEFIRST GUY TO POST EROTIC POKEMAN

FANART ON REDDIT WITH MY NOWCLASSIC WORK, PIKACHU LOVES

THICK BLACK POLE.

PIKA, PIKA!

>> OH, I CAME UP WITH A NEWHASHTAG FOR ONE DIRECTION.

ONE DIRECTION YOU CAN HAVE MYONE ERECTION.

>> YOU GET NO POINTS FOR BEING12 MINUTES TOO LATE FOR THAT.

>> SO THE I'M SO BLANK TREND HASBEEN AT THE TOP OF FACEBOOK AND

TWITTER ALL WEEK WHERE PEOPLECOP TO BEING A STEREOTYPE OF

THE CITY, STATE, OR COUNTRYTHAT THEY'RE FROM.

SO COMEDIANS, WHICH IS A REAL"I'M SO BLANK" TWEET:

A, I'M SO MONTANA MY DOOMSDAYBUNCHER HAS A BUNKER IN CASE THE

( BLEEP ) GOES DOWN IN MYPRIMARY BUNKER.

C, I'M SO CHICAGO I GOT SHOT 63TIMES THIS WEEKEND.

B, I'M SO FLORIDA I GOT A D.U.I.ON A FAN BOAT.

KUMAIL.

>> I'M GOING TO GO,UNFORTUNATELY, WITH B, I'M SO

CHICAGO I GOT SHOT 63 TIMESBECAUSE MONTANA PEOPLE CAN'T

SPELL THE WORD PRIMARY.

BOOM! NAKAKAGANDA.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS INFACT, B.

( APPLAUSE )FOR BONUS POINTS PLEASE GIVE US

AN I'M SO BLANK FROM YOUR HOMETOWN, JONAH RAY.

>> I'M SO HOLLYWOOD-- WOOPS.

TURTLE FROM ENTOURAGE IS CALLINGME.

HOLD ON.

>> POINTS.

>> OH, YEAH!

THE BOYS ARE BACK!

YEAH, I GOTTA GO.

I'M DOING THIS DUMB THING.

>> KUMAIL.

YOU'RE I'M SO BLANK.

>> I'M SO PAKISTANED-- DO YOUREALLY WANT ME TO FINISH THAT?

THERE WILL BE ACTUAL TROUBLE.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FORTHAT.

#HASHTAGWARS.

( APPLAUSE )IF YOU'RE TRAVELING DOWN THE 5

FREEWAY AND WONDERING WHYWHY TRAFFIC IS AT A STANDSTILL

ALL THE WAY FROM L.A. TO SANDIEGO WITH CARLOADS FULL OF

GROWN MEN DRESSED AS OBSCUREJUSTICE LEAGUE OF MEMEBRS,

IT'S BECAUSE COMIC-CON STARTSTONIGHT. TONIGHT'S PREVIEW NIGHT

AT COMINCON.

I'M MISSING IT BECAUSE I'M HERE.

YOU THINK I WANNA HANG HERE? ICOULD BE HANGING WITH TURTLE!

IN HONOR OF THE MOST WONDERFULTIME OF THE YEAR, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #COMICCONBANDSEXAMPLES MIGHT BE:

DUNGEONS AND IMAGINE DRAGONS,LANYARD SKYNYRD.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

>> YES, EMILY.

>> MILEY CYBORG.

>> YES, MILY CYBORG, WELLDONE. JONAH.

>> WEEZER.

>> YEAH, POINTS.

JONAH RAY?

>> THE GRATEFUL WALKING DEAD.

NICE, POINTS.

KUMAIL.

>> DAREDEVIL IS BLIND MELON.

>> YES, WELL DONE! HE CAN SEE NORAIN.

JONAH RAY?

>> COLDPLAY WITH MYSELF.

>> POINTS.

JONAH.

>> INXL.

>> POINTS, EMILY.

>> MARCY COSPLAYGROUND.

OH, OK, YEAH, I LIKE THAT.POINTS. KUMAIL.

>> COMMODORE 64.

>> NICE, THAT'S A PERFECT PLACETO END.

AMAZON BOOK FAIR: GRAPHIC NOVEL

EDITION.

WHOEVER SAID YOU COULDN'T JUDGEA BOOK BY ITS COVER HAD NEVER

BEEN A CONTESTANT ON"@MIDNIGHT."

NOT ONLY DO WE NOT FROWN UPONIT.

WE ACTUALLY GIVE POINTS FOR IT.

SINCE IT IS COMIC CON -- WHICHI''M SUPER EXCITED ABOUT, I'M

GOING TOMORROW -- I'M GOING TOSHOW YOU THE COVER

OF GRAPHIC NOVEL WE FOUND ONAMAZON, AND I WANT YOU TO GIVE

ME THE NAME OF THE NEXT ISSUE INTHE SERIES.

ALL RIGHT, READY? FRIST ONE, THEADVENTURES OF SUPERJEW.

KUMAIL.

>> SUPER JEW VERSUS MR. FREEZINGIN HERE.

WHO MESSES WITH THE THERMOSTAT.

>> POINTS. YEAH, JONAH, YOU WANTTO THROW ONE IN?

>> MY FAVORITE IS SUPER JEWVERSUS THE INCLUDED GRATUITIY.

>> OH, MAN!>> STRETCH IT OUT!

OH BOY, I'M GOING TO FEEL THATONE TOMORROW.

I APOLOGIZE FOR GETTING OUR SHOWCANCELED.

>> I FEEL LIKE EVEN BEING NEARYOU IS GOING TO HURT MY CAREER.

100 POINTS FOR MEL GIBSON.

EMILY.

>> THE HAND THAT ROCKS THEDREIDLE.

>> OH, SO GOOD!

SO GOOD!

NEXT ONE.

THE HOUSE ON HORNY HILL, THEHOUSE ON HORNY HILL.

>> THE CG NATURE OF IT IS VERYDISTURBING.

THERE IS AN UNCANNY VALLEY.

LOOK HOW SCARED THAT KID LOOKS!

>> JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS GOING TOGET IT FROM THE ROCK.

( APPLAUSE )>> IN THIS SULTRY REBOOT--

EMILY.

>> COME WITH ME IF YOU WANTTO JIZZ.

>> I DIDN'T NOT EXPECT YOU TO GOINTO CHARACTER ON THAT.

NEXT ONE.

ZIGGY MARLEY'S MARIJUANAMAN.

>> FIGHTING CRIME-- STARTINGTOMORROW.

>> YES, YES, POINTS.

>> I THINK THIS IS A TRICKQUESTION BECAUSE HE-- THE SECOND

ISSUE NEVER CAME OUT BECAUSE HEFORGOT TO TAKE IT TO THE

PRINTER.

>> HE WAS GETTING TO IT.

>> HE WAS TOTALLY GOING TO DOIT.

NEXT ONE, MUSTANG HOPS: HOBODETECTIVE.

JONAH.

>> THE NEXT ONE IS HOBODETECTIVE, 2099, ROBO HOBO

STRIKES BACK.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

>> I DID A PREQUEL STORY FORTAHT ONE WHICH WAS, HOBO

DETECTIVE, ORIGIN STORY, I WASBITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE HOBO.

>> POINTS. KUMAIL.

>> HOBO DETECTIVES -- MY PARENTSWERE ALSO KILLED IN FRONT OF ME.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT A NEW DOWNLOADABLE FEATURE

IN THE PLAYSTATION 4 WAR GAME,"KILLZONE: SHADOW FALL" ALLOWING

PLAYERS TO FART ON THEIROPPONENTS.

OR IN THEIR GENERAL DIRECTION.

I ASKED YOU TO WRITE A LETTER TOTHE HOME FRONT AS A SOLDIER IN A

WAR WHERE THE MAIN WEAPON ISFARTS.

LET'S HEAR THOSE LETTERS.

EMILY GORDON.

>> DEAR MOM AND DAD, WE ARERUNNING LOW ON SUPPLIES.

PLEASE SEND BROCCOLI AND BLACKCOFFEE.

IF THERE'S ONE THING I'VELEARNED HERE, IT'S THAT WAR IS

SILENT BUT DEADLY.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> KUMAIL.

>> MY DEAREST GERTRUDE, THISMORN I BID FAIR WELL TO A

BROTHER IN ARMS.

YOUNG BILLY SMELLED IT, BUT ITWAS FATE WHO DEALT IT.

P.S., THIS WAR IS CALLED THETURD WORLD WAR.

( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

>> JONAH RAY.

>> DEAREST ABIGAIL. (FART)

I LOVE THE SMELL OF BACON EGGBURRITOS IN THE MORNING.

IT SMELLS LIKE (FART) VICOTRY.SIGNED, YOUR LOVING HUSBAND.

CORPORAL (FART) J.R RODRIGUEZ(FART) OF THE PROUD FARTING 25TH

>> ALL RIGHT.

THAT MEANS IT'S ANYONE'S GAME.

IT'S TIME FOR CRINGEWORTHY,COMIC-CON EDITION.

ONE TIME A REDDITOR NAMED BOXOF KANGAROOS ASKED OTHER MEMBERS

OF THE COMMUNITY TO TRY TO MAKEHIM CRINGE USING ONLY 3 WORDS.

WE LIKED THE IDEA SO MUCH, WETURNED IT INTO A GAME.

COMIC-CON ISN'T ALL SUNSHINE ANDSPECIAL EDITION BOOSTER GOLD

ACTION FIGURES.

THERE'S ALSO A SEEDY UNDERBELLY.

WITH THAT IN MIND, YOU HAVETHREE COMIC-CON RELATED WORDS TO

MAKE US CRINGE.

EVERY TIME WE CRINGE, YOU GET250 POINT.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO! YES JONAH.

>> CHRIS HARDWICK COSPLAY.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FORTHAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH. KUMAIL

>> KLINGON BLOOD FARTS.

POINTS! POINTS! YES, EM.

>> NOT ORIGINAL BOX.

OH POINTS. POINTS. EMILY.

ABBREVIATING DOCTOR WHO?

>> YES!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WRITE THEWHOLE WORLD.

YOU DO NOT ABBREVIATE DOCTOR INDOCTOR WHO, GODDAMNIT!

>> EWORK CIRCLE JERK.

>> #YUBNUB. POINTS.

KUMAIL AGAIN.

>> NANCY GRACE COSPLAY.

>> IS SHE COSPLAY OR COSPLAYINGAS NANCY GRAY.

>> EITHER ONE.

>> POINTS.

>> WELL, UM, ACTUALLY-->> YEAH, POINTS.

>> ANOTHER INDIANA JONES.

>> POINTS.

>> COSTUME CROTCH FUNGUS.

>> POINTS TO KUMAIL.

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