CC Presents: DC Curry

  • 08/24/2000

BUT AMERICAISN'T HUMBLE SOMETIMES.

GOT A BIG EGO PROBLEM.

IF YOU LET AMERICA--LET THE MEDIA TELL YOU

EVERYTHING MAJOR--ALL THE MAJOR TECHNOLOGY--

WAS CREATED IN AMERICABY AMERICANS.

ALL OF THE RECENT INVENTIONS

THAT HAVE BROUGHT TECHNOLOGYTO WHERE IT IS WERE FROM HERE.

HENRY FORD INVENTED THE CAR,

AND THE AIRPLANE WASBY THE WRIGHT BROTHERS.

THE TELEPHONE, GRAHAM BELL;

AND ELECTRICITY, THOMAS EDISON.

AND WHAT WASEVERYBODY ELSE DOING

WHILE WE WERE BUSYTHINKING OF EVERYTHING?

WHAT WERE THE CHINESE DOING,EATING RICE?

WHAT WERE THE JAPANESE DOING,PRACTICING MARTIAL ARTS?

NOBODY INVENTED ANYTHING MAJOREXCEPT US.

THE MEDIA WOULD EVEN HAVE YOUBELIEVE GOD WAS AN AMERICAN.

GOD WASN'T AN AMERICAN.

THEY CREATEDTHE BIG Y2K MAYHEM,

AND WE WENT OUTAND ACTED LIKE FOOLS

WHEN THE YEARWAS ROLLING OVER INTO 2000.

SPENT BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

EVEN COMPUTER EXPERTSAND HIGH TOP EXECUTIVES

SPENT BILLIONS OF DOLLARSFIXING THE COMPUTERS

SO NOTHING WOULD HAPPENWHEN IT ROLLED OVER.

THOUGHT MAYBETHE END OF THE WORLD WAS COMING,

AND WHEN IT CAME,NOTHING HAPPENED.

NOT A DAMN THING HAPPENED.

NOW, A LOT OF USDIDN'T HAVE COMPUTERS,

BUT WE DID SOME OTHERIGNORANT STUFF,

LIKE WE UNPLUGGED THE MICROWAVEOVEN SO IT WOULDN'T GO OUT.

MY FATHER CRANKED THE CAR UPAND LET IT RUN

FROM '99 TO 2000,

SAYING THAT WHEN IT SWITCHEDOVER, THE CAR MIGHT NOT START.

BUT IT DIDN'T STARTHALF THE TIME IN 1999,

SO I REALLY DON'T SEEWHAT THE BIG DEAL WAS.

MY MAMA FILLED UP THE BATHTUBWITH WATER

BECAUSE SHE HEARD THERE WASGOING TO BE A REVOLUTION

OR THE END OF THE WORLD.

AND IF SHE SURVIVED,

SHE WANTED TO MAKE SURETHE TOILET WOULD FLUSH.

I TOLD MY MAMA,

"IF THE END OF THE WORLD COMEAND YOU HAPPEN TO SURVIVE,

"WHERE YOU [bleep]OUGHT TO BE YOUR LAST CONCERN.

"YOU COULD GO NEXT DOORAND USE THE TOILET

"AND THENJUST COME BACK HOME.

"YOU COULD DO ITOUT IN THE FRONT YARD.

"NOBODY'S AROUND BUT YOU.

"OR YOU COULD JUST USETHE BATHROOM ON YOURSELF.

YOU'VE DONE THAT BEFORE, MAMA."

I WAS DETERMINEDNOT TO LET THE MEDIA GET TO ME

WITH ALL OF THAT HYPE.

I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN IT.

I KNOW THE MEDIA WILL BRAINWASHYOU IF YOU LET THEM,

BUT TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.

YOU GOT TO GO WITH WHATYOUR MIND TELLS YOU TO DO,

AND THAT'S WHAT I DID.

BUT AS THE DAY NEARED,IT STARTED GETTING TO ME.

IT STARTED WEARING AND TEARINGON MY MIND,

SO ON THE NIGHT OF NEW YEAR'S--

ON NEW YEAR'S EVE--

IT REALLY HIT ME THAT THIS MIGHTBE THE END OF THE WORLD.

SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN.

SO I SAT ON THE BACK PORCHIN MY UNDERWEAR

WITH A SHOTGUNAND SOME EXTRA SHOTGUN SHELLS,

THINKING THERE MIGHT BEA REVOLUTION.

THEN ABOUT 10:00 AT NIGHTIS WHEN IT HIT ME.

THAT'S WHEN I CAME TO MY SENSESAND REALIZED,

EVEN IF GOD WAS GONNA ENDTHE WORLD AT THE END OF 2000,

WHY WOULD HE DO ITON PACIFIC COAST TIME?

HE WASN'T FROM LOS ANGELES.

AND I HEARD THE TV.

I HAD THE TV ON IN THE HOUSE,AND I COULD HEAR IT.

AND IT WAS ALREADY 2000IN SOME OTHER FOREIGN COUNTRIES,

SO WHY WOULD GOD WAIT AND ENDTHE WORLD ON AMERICAN TIME?

THAT'S WHAT I WONDERED;HOW STUPID CAN I DAMN BE?

GOD WASN'T FROM LOS ANGELES.

HE WASN'T AN AMERICAN.

BUT THE MEDIA--THE AMERICANMEDIA IS SO EGOTISTICAL,

THEY WOULD HAVE YOUBELIEVE THAT.

GOD WASN'T AMERICAN.

A LOT OF PEOPLE BELIEVE GOD ISWHITE; GOD AIN'T WHITE.

AND IF HE WAS WHITE, HE WOULDN'TEND THE WORLD ANYWAY.

HE'D STAND BACKAND LET SOMEBODY ELSE END IT.

THEN IF IT TURNED OUT GOOD,

HE'D STEP UPAND TRY TO TAKE CREDIT FOR IT.

AND IF IT TURNED OUT BAD,HE'D STEP BACK AND SAY,

"I KNEW NEGROES WAS GONNAMESS UP THE WORLD I CREATED."

GOD WASN'T WHITE.

GOD WASN'T BLACK, EITHER.

AND IF HE WAS BLACK,

HE'D END THE WORLDLIKE HE SAID HE WOULD,

BUT IT WOULDN'T BEAT MIDNIGHT.

IT WOULD BEABOUT 12:30, 12:35.

NOBODY PRESSURIZES ME.

I GOT KIDS;THEY DON'T PRESSURE ME.

DON'T LET YOUR KIDS PRESSURE--PUT PRESSURE ON YOU,

MAKE YOU FEELALL BROKE DOWN AND GUILTY.

YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULDFOR THOSE SORRY-ASS KIDS.

RAISED THE DAMN DUMMIES,AND YOU STUCK BY THEM.

THEY'VE ALREADY HAD MORE

THAN YOU EVER DREAMED OF HAVINGIN YOUR CHILDHOOD.

YOU DON'T OWE YOUR KIDSA DAMN THING.

YOU BOUGHT THEM POKEMON,COMPUTER GAMES,

AND SIT IN FRONT OF TVFOR HOURS AND PLAY.

YOU GOT THEMMICHAEL JORDAN GYM SHOES, $200,

AND SOME OF THEMARE HALF RETARDED.

THEY CAN'T EVEN MAKE A LAYUP,LET ALONE DUNK.

YOU BOUGHT THEMALL THEM EXPENSIVE TOYS.

THEY'VE BEEN MORE PLACESTHAN YOU,

SEEN MORE THINGS ALREADY,BEFORE THEY'RE EVEN TEENAGERS.

YOU DON'T OWE YOUR KIDSA DAMN THING.

DON'T LET THEMMAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY,

LIKE YOU MISTREATED THEM.

YOU BOUGHT THEM BRACES, ANDYOUR TEETH WERE ALL CROSSED UP.

YOU NEEDED BRACES YOURSELF.

NOW YOU'RE 55 YEARS OLD,

GOING BACK,TRYING TO GET YOURSELF FIXED UP,

WEARING BRACES,LOOKING LIKE A DAMN FOOL.

YOU DON'T OWEYOUR KIDS NOTHIN'.

YOU ENCOURAGED THEM.

YOU KNEW THEY WASN'TTHE BRIGHTEST KIDS IN THE WORLD.

STUCK WITH THEM, TOLD THEMTHEY COULD BE THE PRESIDENT.

YOU KNEW THAT DAMN DUMMYCOULDN'T BE THE PRESIDENT.

TOLD YOUR LITTLE DAUGHTERSHE COULD SING.

YOU PUT HER IN THE CHILDREN'SCHOIR AT CHURCH.

THAT WAS THE ONLY TIMEGOD GOT BOOED:

WHEN YOUR NO-SINGING DAUGHTERWENT UP THERE

AND STARTED SINGING A SOLO.

TOLD YOUR LITTLE SONHE COULD BE THE PRESIDENT,

A POLITICIAN,MEMORIZE SOMETHING.

AND YOU GAVE HIM A EASTER--

GAVE HIM A EASTER SPEECHIN THE EASTER PLAY,

AND YOU KNEWTHAT SON OF A BITCH

COULDN'T REMEMBERTHAT DAMN SPEECH.

AND ALL HE HAD TO SAY WAS,"HAPPY EASTER," THAT'S IT.

YOU HAD ITSIX MONTHS IN ADVANCE.

YOU WENT OVER IT WITH HIM.

"HAPPY EASTER, JOHNNY.THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO SAY.

YOU GOT IT?""I GOT IT, MAMA."

"HAPPY EASTER."YOU WENT OVER IT WITH HIM.

DAY AND NIGHT,YOU WENT OVER IT WITH HIM.

"HAPPY EASTER.I GOT IT, MAMA. HAPPY EASTER."

YOU DRESSED HIM UPON EASTER MORNING,

PUT HIM IN A YELLOW SUIT.

AND YOU PUT HIMOUT TO THE CAR,

AND ONE LAST TIME,YOU SAID, "HAPPY EASTER.

"ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS GOTO THE X IN THE PULPIT

AND SAY HAPPY EASTER."

AND JOHNNY GOT OUT THE CAR

AND WALKED UP TO THE "X"IN THE PULPIT

AND SAID "MERRY CHRISTMAS"AND [bleep] UP THE WHOLE PLAY.

[applause]

I'VE MADE SOME MONEY NOW, BUTI DON'T OWE MY DADDY NOTHIN'.

MY DADDY'S GOT HIS HAND OUT.

"HEY, I STUCK WITH YOU."THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

"YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT TOPAY THEM CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS.

"YOU STUCK WITH ME,BUT YOU WASN'T A PERFECT DAD.

"WHAT KIND OF FATHERTRIES TO KILL HIS SON?

"AND YOU TRIED SEVERAL TIMES,

"BUT MAMA SAVED MY ASS FROM YOU.

"SHE TOLD MEWHAT YOU WERE UP TO.

"WHAT KIND OF FATHERHAS HIS SON IN THE CAR

"AND TELLS HIMTO TAKE HIS SEAT BELT OFF, HUH?

"I'M NOT TAKINGTHIS SEAT BELT OFF.

"MAMA WARNED ME ABOUT YOU.

"TRIED TO GET ME TO PLAYLITTLE LEAGUE FOOTBALL

"WITHOUT A HELMET.

"YOU'RE TRYING TO GET ME KILLED.

"THE REST OF THE KIDSGOT ON HELMETS,

"EVEN BIG-HEAD JOHNNY.

"WE CALL HIM HELMET HEADWITH NO HELMET.

"HE GOT A HELMET ON.

"I'M NOT TAKING OFFTHIS HELMET.

TOLD ME TO JUMP IN THE WATER;YOU KNOW I CAN'T SWIM, DADDY."

"WELL, IF YOU DON'T TRY,YOU'LL NEVER LEARN."

"WELL, TAKE ME TO A SWIMMINGPOOL WITH THE REST OF THE KIDS.

I AIN'T GETTING OUT THIS BOATWITHOUT A LIFE JACKET ON."

MY DADDY SAID,

"I'LL TAKE YOUBACK TO THE HOUSE."

I SAID, "WELL, LET'S RIDE."

SO I'M SITTING UP IN THE CAR

WITH A SEAT BELT ON,A LIFE JACKET,

AND A FOOTBALL HELMET.

"WHEN YOU GET MEBACK TO MY MAMA,

I'LL TAKE IT OFF."

MY MAMA, THAT'S WHO I HELP;THAT'S WHO RAISED ME.

THAT'S WHO REALLY RAISES YOU.

YOUR DAD'S NOT AROUND THAT MUCH.

WHEN I MADE SOME MONEY,

I WENT BACKAND TOOK CARE OF MY MAMA.

I TRIED TO BUY HER SOME STUFF.

TRIED TO GET HER A HOUSE,GET HER TO MOVE.

SHE'S SENTIMENTALLY ATTACHEDTO THE HOUSE

WHERE WE GREW UP...40 YEARS AGO.

HOUSE DIDN'T COSTBUT $17,000.

MY MAMA IS NOT GONNA MOVE,

BUT SHE'LL SURE LET ME

REMODEL THE HELLOUT OF THAT PIECE OF [bleep].

I PUT UP $92,000 WORTH OFPANELING; THAT'S ALL SHE'LL DO.

PANELED THE LIVING ROOM,THE DINING ROOM,

THE KITCHEN, THE FLOORS,AND ALL THE BATHROOMS.

PANELED THE GARAGE.

SHE RAN THE CONTRACTORS OFFBEFORE THEY FINISHED.

NOW THERE AIN'T NO STEPS

TO GET FROM THE HOUSEDOWN INTO THE GARAGE.

YOU GOT TO JUMPOUT OF THE HOUSE.

I SAID, "MAMA,I'M PAYING FOR IT."

I STILL GIVE HER MONEY.

SHE DOESN'T BELIEVETHE MONEY I GAVE HER INITIALLY

IS IN THE BANK.

SHE'S NEVER SEENTHAT MANY ZEROES BEFORE.

SHE WAS GOING TO GETHER HAIR DONE THE OTHER DAY.

I GAVE HER $100.

I KNEW IT COULDN'TBE MORE THAN THAT.

SHE ONLY HADTHREE STRANDS OF HAIR,

JUST SOME BANGS IN THE FRONT.

THAT'S $33 A STRAND.

I KNOW IT CAN'T BEMORE THAN THAT, MAMA.

AND WHEN SHE CAME BACK,

I WANTED TO WHIP EVERYBODY'S ASSAT THE BEAUTY SHOP,

BECAUSE SHE CAME BACKWITH A WEAVE.

"74 YEARS OLD.YOU DON'T NEED NO WEAVE, MAMA.

"AND IT DOESN'T MATCH THE RESTOF THE HAIR ON YOUR FACE.

"HOW CAN YOU HAVELITTLE RED, NAPPY EYEBROWS,

"RED MUSTACHE,RED HAIR ON YOUR CHEST,

LONG, SILKY BLACK HAIRHANGING DOWN YOUR BACK?"

I KNEW MY MAMA COULDN'T MANAGETHAT KIND OF HAIR.

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE,SUGAR DIABETES, GOUT.

IF SHE'D RAISE HER HAND UPOVER HER EAR,

SHE'D LOSE HER BALANCE.

YOU'LL FALLAND BREAK YOUR HIP

TRYING TO LOOK CUTEAT 73.

OH, THEY WERE MAD AT ME

TILL SHE WENT TO SLEEPONE NIGHT

AND THE GLUE HEATED UPIN THE WEAVE.

THEY'D GLUED ITTO MY MAMA'S SCALP,

'CAUSE SHE DIDN'T HAVE NOTHIN'FOR THEM TO WEAVE IT ONTO.

AND IT CAME UNATTACHED,

AND IT WRAPPEDAROUND MY MAMA'S NECK

AND LIKE TO CHOKED HER TO DEATH.

MY MAMA USED TO BEGOOD-LOOKING,

BUT YOU GOT TOKIND OF WATCH HER NOW.

IT AIN'T THE SAME.

I SAW MY MAMA NAKED ONE TIME

WHEN I WAS ABOUTEIGHT OR NINE YEARS OLD.

I GOT OVER IT 'CAUSESHE WASN'T THAT BAD-LOOKING.

BUT IF I SEE MY MAMA NAKED NOW,I'M GONNA HAVE TO KILL HER.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO SHOOT HER.

I DON'T BELIEVE I COULD EVER GETTHAT IMAGE OUT OF MY MIND.

MY MAMA TAUGHT US COMMON SENSE.

A LOT OF COMMON SENSE.

MY MAMA DIDN'T HAVEA LOT OF FANCY MEDICINE.

YOU DIDN'T NEED IT;MY MAMA HAD A BACKHAND.

THAT'S WHAT SHE RAISED US WITH,JUST A SWIFT BACKHAND.

NO RITALIN, PERCODAN, PROZACTO CALM YOU DOWN.

SHE BACKHANDED YOU,

AND WHATEVER WAS WRONG WITH YOU,YOU GOT OVER IT.

EVEN IF YOU WERE SICK,

YOU STARTED FEELING BETTERONCE MAMA BACKHANDED YOU.

SHE SLAPPED YOUWITH A KNUCKLE SANDWICH.

MY MAMA DIDN'T KNOWWHAT FANCY TERMS WERE.

WASN'T NO MUSCULAR SCLEROSISAND THAT.

YOU WERE JUST ACTING BAD.

YOU COULDN'T BLAME--

YOU COULDN'T BLAME ACTING BADON ANY SOCIAL INCONSISTENCIES.

YOU WERE JUST A BAD CHILD.

THERE WERE GOOD CHILDRENAND BAD CHILDREN.

THAT'S ALL THERE WAS TO IT.

AND A BACKHANDWOULD HEAL ANYTHING.

MY KINDERGARTEN TEACHER WASTHE FIRST ONE TO RECOGNIZE

SOMETHING WASN'T QUITE RIGHTWITH ME,

AND SHE CALLED MY MAMA.

SAID, "MRS. CURRY,WE SENDING D.C. TO THE HOUSE.

WE THINK HE'S RETARDED."

MY MAMA DIDN'T KNOWWHAT RETARDED MEANT.

SHE SAID, "SEND HIM ON HOME.

I BET HE WON'T BE RETARDEDTOMORROW."

MY MAMA HAD A BACKHAND THATWOULD CURE MOST DISEASES.

IT CURED A COMMON COLD,

AND IT WOULD CUREMOST BIRTH DEFECTS.

WE HAD SOME BIRTH DEFECTS.

I DON'T KNOW IF MAMA AND DADDYWERE RELATED OR WHAT,

BUT SOMETHING WAS WRONGWITH EVERY CHILD IN MY FAMILY.

YOU'D THINK ONE OF USWOULD COME OUT NORMAL,

BUT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

MY SISTER WAS CROSS--WELL, SHE WAS CRISS-CROSS-EYED,

BECAUSE THE EYES WENT CROSS.

THEY LOOKED LIKE THEY CAME BACKAND CROSSED AGAIN.

SHE COULD SEE 'ROUND THE CORNEROF A BUILDING.

YOU WOULD THINK MY MAMA WOULDTAKE HER TO AN OPTOMETRIST.

"EYE DOCTOR--WHAT'S THAT?"

MY MAMA JUST LOOKEDAT MY SISTER AND SAID,

"YOU GOT ONE MORE TIMETO ROLL THAT EYE AT ME."

MY SISTER SAID,"I AIN'T TRYING TO ROLL IT.

SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME."

NY MAMA BACKHANDED MY SISTER37 YEARS AGO.

MY SISTER CAN SEE STRAIGHTERTHAN ANYBODY IN HERE.

I WAS CRIPPLED;I WAS BORN LIKE THAT.

JUST FOUND OUT THE OTHER DAY.

MY TAILORWAS MEASURING MY LEGS.

HE SAID, "ONE OF YOUR LEGSIS A INCH SHORTER."

I SAID, "I KNEW THERE WASSOMETHING WRONG WITH MY ASS."

TRIED TO TELL MY MAMA.

SHE THOUGHT I WAS PIMPING;NOW I'M LIMPING.

"SOMETHING'S WRONGWITH ME, MAMA."

YOU'D THINK THEY'D TAKE MEDOWN TO THE FOOT DOCTOR.

I'VE SEEN FOLKS LIKE THIS.

YOU BUY ONE LITTLE SHOEAND ONE GREAT BIG SHOE

TO HELP THEM WALK BETTER.

MY MAMA JUST TOLD ME,"YOU GOT ONE MORE TIME

TO LIMP YOUR ASS IN THE MALLAND EMBARRASS ME,"

AND BACKHANDED ME.

YOU CAN'T EVEN TELLI'M CRIPPLED NOW.

MY BABY BROTHERHAD A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.

WASN'T BUTABOUT FIVE MONTHS OLD.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BESPEAKING YET NO WAY,

BUT GOT TO HURRY UP AND GROW UPWHERE I LIVED.

WHEN HE COULDN'T FIGURE OUTWHAT HE WANTED,

HE'D HAVE A FITAND START THROWING STUFF,

GO INTO A TEMPER TANTRUM.

I SAW MAMA APPROACHING HIM.

I SAID, "HE'S GONNA GETA BAD ASS-WHIPPING.

"YOU'RE GONNA WISH YOU COULDCRAWL BACK UP IN MAMA'S WOMB

WHEN SHE FINISHED."

SHE GOT TO HIMAND PICKED HIM UP AND CHOKED HIM

AND, "SAY WHATEVER THE HELLYOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.

"I DON'T HAVE THE TIMENOR THE PATIENCE TO RAISE YOU.

"IT'S EIGHT YEARS 'TWEEN YOUAND THE NEXT CHILD IN LINE.

JUST LOOK AT THEMAND ACT LIKE THEY ACTING."

BACKHANDED MY BABY BROTHER.

FIVE MONTHS OLD,HE ROLLED OVER TWICE.

HAD NEVER SAIDA WORD IN HIS LIFE.

HE STOOD UP AND SAID,"I'D LIKE A BOTTLE, PLEASE."

THAT'S WHY I VOTEDFOR BILL CLINTON.

I VOTED FOR BILL CLINTON.

THE MEDIA WOULD HAVE ME BELIEVEHE'S A BAD GUY

'CAUSE HE MADE SOME MISTAKES.

WELL, I'VE MADE SOME, TOO,AND SO HAVE YOU.

SO HAS KEN STARR.

SO IT'S HYPOCRITICALFOR ME TO BE TRIPPING

'CAUSE HE DROPPED HIS DRAWERSIN FRONT OF A WOMAN.

THAT'S WHO YOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO DROP YOUR DRAWERS.

I WOULDN'T TRIP HIMABOUT THE MONEY.

I WOULDN'T TRIP HIM ABOUT THEMONEY HE STOLE FROM THE BANK.

I DIDN'T HAVE NO MONEYIN THE BANK AT THE TIME,

SO THAT DIDN'T BOTHER ME.

I VOTED FOR BILL CLINTON

'CAUSE HE SEEMED TO BE CONNECTEDWITH THE AVERAGE PERSON.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON--

THAT'S THE ONLY THINGYOU CAN COUNT ON ANYWAY.

YOU DON'T KNOWALL THE STATISTICS THEY QUOTE.

YOU DON'T KNOWIF IT'S TRUE OR NOT.

SO I JUST LOOK AT THEMAND WATCH WHAT THEY DO

AND FIGURE OUT WHETHERI LIKE THEM OR NOT.

I SHOULD RUNFOR PRESIDENT MYSELF.

I'D STRAIGHTEN OUTA LOT OF THINGS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE I'D LOCK UP.

YOU OUGHT TO BE ABLETO LOCK UP SOME PEOPLE

JUST ON SUSPICION ALONE.

I'D LOCK UP SOME PEOPLE THATGET ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

I UNDERSTOOD IT YEARS AGOWHEN THE SHOW FIRST CAME OUT.

YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE INFOR A HAPPY FAMILY REUNION,

SO YOU SHOWED UPIN A NEW OUTFIT, WAVING.

THEN YOU SAT DOWN AND FOUND OUTYOUR MAMA WAS A MAN.

SO YOU HAD TO THROW SOMETHINGAT SOMEBODY.

THAT WAS UNDERSTANDABLE.

BUT THE SHOW'S BEEN ON SEVEN,EIGHT YEARS NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENINGIF JERRY SPRINGER CALLS YOU.

SOMETHING IN YOUR IMMEDIATEFAMILY IS DYSFUNCTIONAL.

SO IF I GET A CALLFROM THE JERRY FOLK,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET ME ONNATIONAL TV AND EMBARRASS ME,

'CAUSE SOON AS I HEARWHO IT IS,

I'M KILLINGMY MAMA AND DADDY,

KILLING MY KIDS.

I'M GONNA SHOW UPON THE SHOW,

BUT AIN'T GONNA SURPRISE ME.

JERRY GONNA SAY,"HOW YOU DOIN'?"

"I'M ALL RIGHT;HOW YOU DOING, JERRY?"

"I GOT A SURPRISEFOR YOU, D.C."

"NOPE.

"I GOT A SURPRISEFOR YOU, JERRY.

"AIN'T NONE OF YOUR SURPRISEGUESTS COMING,

'CAUSE I DONE KILLEDALL THEIR ASS."

TOUCHY SUBJECT, HUH?

I'D LOCK UP THE PARENTSOF JONBENET RAMSEY.

THAT'S A SAD CASE TO ME.

YOU GOT PLENTY OF EVIDENCE.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT THEY'RE WAITING ON,

BUT YOU SHOULD'VELOCKED THEM UP,

IN MY OPINION,A LONG TIME AGO.

YOU GOT MORE EVIDENCE--

YOU GOT MORE EVIDENCE--

YOU GOT MORE EVIDENCEAGAINST THEM

THAN YOU HADAGAINST O.J. SIMPSON.

AND O.J. HAD SO MUCH EVIDENCEAGAINST HIM,

I THOUGHT THE OJAYSHAD KILLED THE FOLK.

THEY SHOULD'VE LOCKED UPTHE RAMSEYS.

I DON'T KNOWIF THEY ACTUALLY HAD

ANYTHING TO DOWITH THE MURDER OR NOT,

BUT YOU SHOULD'VE LOCKED THEM UP

FOR DRESSING THAT BABY UPLIKE A WHORE

IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE.

HIGH-HEELED SHOESAND MAKE-UP

DON'T BELONGON NO BABY CHILD.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO.

A LOT OF PEOPLE SAYI CAUSE HAVOC.

WELL, THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL.

I DON'T TELLA LOT OF ONE-LINERS.

THAT'S NOT HOW I FEEL;I FEEL IN STORIES.

AND I EMPATHIZE.

I'M DOING WHAT I CANTO HEAL RACE RELATIONS.

WE OUGHT TO EMPATHIZE.

THAT WOULD SOLVEA LOT OF OUR PROBLEMS.

PUT YOURSELFIN THE OTHER PERSON'S SHOES.

YOU MAY NOT AGREEWITH EVERYTHING THEY DO OR SAY,

BUT YOU'D UNDERSTANDHOW THEY FEEL.

YOU WANT TO UNDERSTANDWHITE FOLK?

JUST ACT WHITE SOMETIMES.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

I GET UP IN THE MORNINGAND KISS MY DOG IN THE MOUTH.

SOMETIMES I DRIVE AROUND TOWN

WITH ONE FOOT HANGINGOUT THE WINDOW OF THE CAR.

SOMETIMES I GO TO THE MAILBOX,GET MY BILLS, OPEN THEM UP,

AND PAY THEMSOON AS I LOOK AT THEM.

YOU WANTTO UNDERSTAND MEXICANS?

JUST ACT MEXICANFOR A DAY OR TWO;

YOU'D UNDERSTANDTHEIR FRUSTRATIONS.

JUST PUT 17 OR 18 BADASS MEXICANCHILDREN IN A STATION WAGON,

FILL THE BACK SEAT UPWITH ORANGES,

AND GO RIDING AROUND TOWN TRYINGTO SELL THEM FOR $1 A BAG.

WRITE YOUR NAME ON THE SIDEOF A MAILBOX IN SPANISH.

THEN, IF YOU WANT TO UNDERSTANDBLACK FOLK,

ACT BLACK FOR A DAY OR TWO.

YOU'D UNDERSTANDWHY WE'RE FRUSTRATED.

GO TO WORK MONDAY MORNING;CUSS YOUR BOSS THE HELL OUT.

TELL HIMWHAT YOU AIN'T GOIN' DO

AND WHAT HE AIN'T GOIN' DOABOUT IT.

THEN YOU WALK UP OUT OF THERELIKE YOU OWN THE PLACE,

CUSSING FOLK OUTON YOUR WAY.

GO HOME,SIT ON THE EDGE OF YOUR BED,

AND WORRY,

WONDERING WHAT IN THE HELL

YOU'RE GOIN' DO FOR A JOBTHE NEXT WEEK.

THEN GET UP THE NEXT MORNIN'

AND JUST SHOW UPLIKE [bleep] AIN'T HAPPENED.

THE WORLD WOULD BEA BETTER PLACE.

[applause]

FOR A LONG TIME,I DEFENDED WHITE PEOPLE.

IN THE O.J. TRIAL--

I BELIEVE O.J. KILLED EVERYBODYON THAT DAMN BLOCK THAT NIGHT.

HE WAS IN A BADASS MOOD.

I WENT ALONG WHEN THEY OPENEDTHE TANNING BOOTHS.

A LOT OF BLACK FOLKS SAYTHEY WANT TO BE LIKE US.

YEAH, TO A DEGREE.THEY WANT YOUR SKIN TONE.

THEY MAY NOT WANTYOUR CREDIT REPORT,

BUT THEY WANT YOUR SKIN TONE.

WHEN THEY STARTEDBUNGEE JUMPING,

A LOT OF BLACK FOLKSSAID THEY WERE CRAZY.

NO, WHITE FOLKS NEEDA CHALLENGE.

LET THEM JUMP OFF A BUILDING

WITH A RUBBER BAND WRAPPEDAROUND THEIR NECK,

HOPING IT'LL STOP THEM BEFORETHEY BUST THEIR HEAD WIDE OPEN.

THAT'S A CHALLENGE FOR THEM.

BUT THEY WENT OVERBOARD

WHEN THEY CALLED MEWITH A PET MOTEL THE OTHER DAY.

THEY CALLED ME AND ASKED MEABOUT PUTTING MY DOG

IN THE PET MOTELFOR $9 A NIGHT.

I DON'T PUT MY DAMN DOG NOWHEREFOR $9 A NIGHT.

THIS CRAZY-ASS DOG AIN'T BROUGHTME NO NEWSPAPER IN 12 YEARS.

THEY'RE ALL IN THE FRONT PORCH.

AIN'T BROUGHT ME MY HOUSE SHOES.

I GOT CALLUSES ON MY FEET NOW.

THINK I'M GONNA PUT THISLAZY-ASS DOG IN A PET MOTEL?

THEY SAID, "WELL, WE HEARDYOU TAKE VACATIONS,

AND A DOG OF THAT SORTOUGHT TO BE PUT UP SOMEWHERE."

I SAID, "OF THIS SORT?"

THEY SAY, "YEAH,WHAT KIND OF DOG IS IT?"

"I DON'T KNOWWHAT KIND OF DAMN DOG THIS IS."

THEY SAID, "WHEN YOU BOUGHT IT,DIDN'T YOU GET THE PAPERS?"

"WHEN I BOUGHT IT?

"BLACK FOLK DON'T BUYNO DAMN DOGS.

"SOMEBODY GIVES YOUR ASS A DOG,

"OR KING AND QUEENACROSS THE STREET HAD PUPPIES,

"AND ONE OF THEM WANDEREDUP ON YOUR STEPS.

"YOU GAVE HIM SOME FRIED CHICKENAND SOME MEAT LOAF,

"AND HE WON'T [bleep] LEAVE.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT KIND OF DAMN DOG THIS IS."

THEY SAID, "WELL,DO YOU TAKE VACATIONS?"

"YES, I DO."

"WELL, WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR DOGWHEN YOU TAKE A VACATION?"

"I DO THE SAME THINGMY DADDY DID.

"I TIE HIS ASS UPTO A TREE IN THE BACKYARD,

"GIVE HIM A BIG-ASSBUCKET OF FOOD

"AND A BIG-ASSBUCKET OF WATER

AND SAY, I'LL SEE YOUR ASS IN TWO OR THREE WEEKS."

[applause]

I KNOW.

I KNOW THE DOGAIN'T THAT BRIGHT.

GONNA EAT UP ALL THE FOODTHE FIRST DAY,

TURN THE WATER OVERTHE SECOND DAY,

AND WRAP HIS ASS AROUND THE TREEABOUT 17 TIMES.

BUT WHEN I GET BACKTHREE WEEKS LATER,

HE'S RIGHT THEREWHERE I LEFT HIM,

AND I DIDN'T SPENDA DAMN DIME.

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