CC Presents: Ardal O'Hanlon

  • Season 5, Ep 15
  • 10/07/2001

THAT YOU ALL LOOK VERY FIT AND

HEALTHY.

ALTOGETHER.

YOU LOOK GREAT, ACTUALLY.

I'M STANDING HERE ADMIRING YOUR

MAGNIFICENT TORSOS THERE.

CONGRATULATIONS!

AND YOUR BIG LEGS,

LIKE TREE TRUNKS.

EH?

BIG, MOSSY LEGS-- SQUIRRELS

RUNNING UP AND DOWN THEM!

LOVELY!

I DON'T HAVE A TORSO AT ALL.

THERE'S SUCH A GREAT EMPHASIS

HERE, IN THE UNITED STATES,

ON LOOKING GOOD AND FEELING

GOOD.

USUALLY AT AN ENORMOUS EXPENSE

TO YOUR PERSONALITY.

I FIND.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

GOOD.

WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME

WAVELENGTH.

AND THIS FRIEND OF MINE,

NOT REALLY A FRIEND,

BUT A PERSON I KNOW, IN FACT,

I HATE HIM.

WELL, THIS PERSON I HATE,

HE SUGGESTED TO ME THAT I GO ON

A "FUN RUN" TO RAISE MONEY FOR

CHARITY.

NOW I JUST LAUGHED IN HIS FACE.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW, THOSE TWO

WORDS "FUN" AND "RUN"--

THEY SHOULD NEVER BE SEEN

TOGETHER IN THE SAME SENTENCE,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY WITH A BIG

LUMP ON THE SIDE OF THEIR HEAD,

SAYING, "HEY, LOOK AT MY

"'HUMOR TUMOR.'"

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

RUNNING IS NEVER FUN.

RUNNING IS SOMETHING YOU DO WITH

THERE'S A MAN CHASING YOU WITH A

KNIFE!

(APPLAUSE)

AND YOU SEE LOTS OF PEOPLE GOING

AROUND NOW WITH LITTLE BOTTLES

OF WATER.

THEY'RE DRINKING THREE AND FOUR

LITERS OF WATER A DAY!

YOU SEE THEM THERE-- UM, I'VE

GOT MY LITTLE BOTTLE OF WATER.

I'M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER!

SOMEBODY SHOULD TELL THEM WE'RE

NOT PLANTS!

YOU KNOW?

WE'RE HIGHLY COMPLEX BEINGS!

WE CAN DRINK COFFEE AND

ALCOHOL-- WE COULD DRINK

GASOLINE IF WE WANTED TO, IF IT

WASN'T SO (BLEEP)-ING EXPENSIVE!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH!

YEAH!

YOU KNOW, AND EVERYONE'S ON

THESE HIGH FIBER BREAKFAST

CEREALS AS WELL.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T FALLEN FOR

THIS FAD YET, AND I OBJECT TO

THE CLAIMS ON THE TELEVISION

EVERY HALF AN HOUR.

FACT: THERE'S AS MUCH FIBER IN

BOWL OF BRAN, AS IN A BIG FIELD

OF CARROTS!

OR A BIG SHIPFUL OF BANANAS!

YOU KNOW, WHY CAN'T THEY TELL

THE TRUTH?

FACT: THERE'S AS MUCH FIBER IN

ONE BOWL OF BRAN AS THERE IS IN

THE TOILET AFTER EATING ONE BOWL

OF BRAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BECAUSE PEOPLE NOWADAYS ARE

SO OBSESSED WITH HAVING A

REGULAR AND MASSIVE BOWEL

MOVEMENTS, AREN'T THEY?

THEY WANT TO SPEND HALF THE DAY

IN THE TOILET.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY

DON'T THROW A LAXATIVE TABLET

IN A BOWL OF CHEERIOS, AND ENJOY

THEMSELVES NOW AND AGAIN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'VE NO ENERGY AT ALL.

I USED UP ALL MY ENERGY IN MY

YOUTH, RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE,

PRETENDING TO BE A HORSE.

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, THE ONLY EXERCISE I GET

NOW WOULD BE A VOMIT ON A FRIDAY

NIGHT.

SO...

(LOUD CHEERS)

KEEPS ME IN TRIM.

WELL, AND I HAD AN OPERATION

A COUPLE MONTHS AGO, YOU KNOW?

NOTHING TOO SERIOUS.

JUST HAVING MY PAJAMAS

SURGICALLY REMOVED.

BUT THIS OPERATION,

IT DID INVOLVE ME HAVING

MY GENITAL AREA SHAVED.

AND I WAS A BIT NERVOUS ABOUT

THIS AT FIRST.

BUT TO BE HONEST, I'VE BEEN

DOING IT EVER SINCE.

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER>>

YEAH, BABY!

O'HANLON>> IT'S JUST ALL THE

GUYS IN THE WARD SAID I LOOKED

MUCH YOUNGER WITHOUT IT,

YOU KNOW?

APPARENTLY IT TAKES YEARS OFF

ME!

WELL, ONCE YOU START SHAVING

AN AREA, YOU JUST CAN'T STOP.

IT GROWS WILDLY OUT OF CONTROL!

I'M STANDING UP HERE AT THE

MOMENT, I FEEL LIKE I HAVE

DON KING'S HEAD IN MY

UNDERPANTS!

AND THAT'S NOT A VERY PLEASANT

THOUGHT, YOU KNOW.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE DON KING.

I'M PERMANENTLY EXHAUSTED.

I SAW A SIGN ON THE SIDE OF

THE ROAD THAT SAID--

"TIREDNESS CAN KILL."

I NEVER KNEW THAT.

LAST SATURDAY, I STAYED UP ALL

NIGHT WATCHING MOVIES.

I COULD'VE DIED!

NOBODY TELLS YA THESE THINGS!

I LOVE SLEEPING.

I THINK SLEEPLESSNESS IS THE

ROOT CAUSE OF ALL THE PROBLEMS

IN SOCIETY TODAY.

PEOPLE DON'T GET ENOUGH SLEEP,

YOU KNOW?

THEY WORK TOO HARD AND THEY'RE

STRESSED OUT.

MAKE MISTAKES AND COMMIT CRIMES,

AND GROW LONG BEARDS AND RUN

AMOK IN THE WORKPLACE WITH

AUTOMATIC WEAPONS.

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE A

SPANISH STYLE SIESTA IN THIS

COUNTRY.

YES.

(LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

FROM ABOUT HALF ELEVEN

IN THE MORNING UNTIL THURSDAY.

THAT WOULD BE ABOUT RIGHT.

FRIEND OF MINE WAS TELLING ME

TO RELAX, AND HE SAID THE BEST

WAY TO RELAX IS TO GO ON

HOLIDAYS.

AND YOU KNOW, THAT'S FAR FROM

BEING RELAXING, GOING ON

HOLIDAYS' THE MOST STRESSFUL

THING YOU CAN DO IN YOUR LIFE!

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE IN A BLIND

PANIC BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THINKING OF ALL THE THINGS YOU

HAVE TO DO-- OH MY GOD,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL THE

MILK.

AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT DOWN

THE DOG.

YOU KNOW?

AND LEAVING A LIGHT ON DOESN'T

FOOL THE BURGLERS FOR A SECOND.

THEY KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT!

I'M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE A HAIR

DRYER ON FOR TWO WEEKS,

SO'S THEY'LL THINK THERE'S

SOMEBODY INSIDE WITH A MASSIVE

HEAD OF HAIR!

THEY'LL THINK DON KING'S LOOKING

AFTER THE HOUSE!

ANYWAY...

OH, LIKE I SAID, I'M FROM

IRELAND, AND UH, THAT'S TRUE,

AND I CAN'T DENY IT.

BUT, SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW THAT

IRELAND HAS THE REPUTATION FOR

BEING A GREAT LITERARY NATION.

YOU KNOW, YOU WALK INTO ANY BAR

IN DUBLIN, APPARENTLY IT'S FULL

OF WRITERS AND POETS.

MOST OTHER COUNTRIES, THEY'RE

CALLED DRUNKS.

NOT IN IRELAND.

AND LIKE MOST IRISH PEOPLE,

I'VE WRITTEN A NOVEL AS WELL.

IT'S NOT MY FIRST.

I'VE BEEN WRITING FOR YEARS,

UNDER THE PSEUDONYM MIA BINCHY

GOING QUITE WELL.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THIS PERSON ASKED ME,

IF I WAS EVER STUCK ON A DESERT

ISLAND, I WAS ON A RADIO TALK

SHOW, AND THE PRESENTER ASKED ME

IF I WAS EVER STUCK ON A DESERT

ISLAND, WHAT TWO BOOKS WOULD

I BRING WITH ME?

AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE THREAT

IMPLIED IN THAT QUESTION.

AND I SAID TO HER.

THE FIRST BOOK I'D BRING WITH

ME, WOULD BE A BIG, PLASTIC,

INFLATABLE BOOK...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THE SECOND ONE WOULD BE.

HOW TO MAKE OARS OUT OF SAND.

NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

THAT SHUT HER UP.

I DON'T LIKE LENDING MY BOOKS

TO PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, PARTLY BECAUSE,

THEY'RE PART OF YOUR IDENTITY.

YOUR BOOKS.

AND ALSO, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE

TO KNOW WHAT I ALREADY KNOW.

YOU KNOW?

I'VE INVESTED A LOT OF TIME AND

EFFORT IN ACQUIRING THAT

KNOWLEDGE.

I DON'T WANT TO THROW AWAY

MY SLENDER ADVANTAGE!

YOU KNOW?

OF COURSE, I'LL LEND THEM

(BLEEP) BOOKS, YES.

I'LL SAY, HERE'S "ANGELA'S

ASHES," TAKE THAT.

HERE YA GO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE OTHER REASON I DON'T LIKE

LENDING BOOKS TO PEOPLE IS THAT

PEOPLE HAVE THIS DISGUSTING

HABIT OF LICKING THEIR THUMBS

BEFORE TURNING A PAGE.

I HAVE A VEGETARIAN FRIEND

THAT DOES THIS AND HE BORROWS

MY BOOKS ALL THE TIME.

AND WHAT I DO IS, I SMEAR THE

CORNER OF THE PAGES WITH BITS OF

GREASY BACON.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERS)

AND I STICK A SAUSAGE IN THE

MIDDLE AS A BOOKMARK.

THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE

IN THE WORLD, TWO TYPES OF

PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM TONIGHT.

THERE ARE THOSE WHO HAVE LOTS OF

CASUAL SEX WITH STRANGERS.

AND THERE'S JEALOUS PEOPLE.

(APPLAUSE AND SCREAMS)

AND THERE THEY ARE OVER THERE.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

THIS COULD BE YOUR LUCKY NIGHT.

ACCORDING TO A MAGAZINE I GET

CALLED, GROSS GENERALIZATION,

VERY IMPORTANT PUBLICATION,

A PERSON HAS SEX 2,580 TIMES

IN HIS OR HER LIFE.

THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT OF SEX,

IT MEANS I HAVE AN AWFUL LOT OF

CATCHING UP TO DO.

I USED TO GET THIS IRISH

CATHOLIC MAGAZINE CALLED,

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES.

PAINTED A VERY DIFFERENT

PICTURE.

I WAS TRYING TO WORK OUT AN

AVERAGE.

HOW MANY TIMES A YEAR IS THAT?

ASSUMING YOU START HAVING SEX

WHEN YOUR 33, AND YOU KEEP GOING

ON TILL YOU'RE MARRIED FOR

AWHILE.

ASSUMING THAT YOU KNOW THAT

MARRIAGE IS WHEN TWO PEOPLE

ARE JOINED TOGETHER TO BECOME

ONE DESPERATELY BORING PERSON.

(APPLAUSE)

NOW IN IRELAND, IT TOOK US

AWHILE TO CATCH UP.

I MEAN, WERE VERY SEXUALLY

LIBERATED NOW OF COARSE,

AS A NATION.

BUT THAT WASN'T ALWAYS THE CASE,

YOU SEE BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE

THE 60s IN IRELAND.

WE WENT STRAIGHT FROM THE 50s

TO 1972.

SO WE DIDN'T EXPERIENCE NOTIONS

OF FLOWER POWER OR FREE LOVE

OR WOODSTOCK.

WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT,

YOU KNOW?

WE WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN WHAT TO

DO WITH FREE LOVE.

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN SAYING--

WHAT ARE YOU AFTER?

MY LAND, HUH?

GO AWAY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IF IT WAS FREE DRINK,

THAT WOULD BE A DIFFERENT STORY

AND THEN AFTER A FEW FREE DRINKS

WE'D BE WONDERING IS THE FREE

LOVE STILL GOING.

BUT LUCKILY, I HAVE NO INTEREST

IN SEX AT ALL.

YOU KNOW, IT'S SO UNDIGNIFIED

REALLY ISN'T IT.

ATTACHING YOURSELF TO ANOTHER

HUMAN BEING LIKE THAT.

AND MAKING ALL THOSE FACES.

(APPLAUSE)

AND THOSE NOISES.

HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH.

SURELY THERE MUST BE A MORE

DIGNIFIED WAY TO EXPRESS YOUR

LOVE AND ADMIRATION FOR ANOTHER

HUMAN BEING.

YOU KNOW, LIKE BAKING THEM A

NICE CAKE OR SOMETHING--

OR JUST LEAVING THEM ALONE

FOR AWHILE.

THAT WOULD DO IT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND SOME PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO

REALIZE THAT SEX IS A VERY

IMPORTANT PART OF A

RELATIONSHIP.

LET'S JUST PICK A GENDER AT

RANDOM HERE.

SOME WOMEN DON'T SEEM TO KNOW

ABOUT THIS, YOU KNOW?

IT'S NEVER THE RIGHT TIME,

THEY'VE ALWAYS GOT A HEADACHE

OR THEIR TOO TIRED, YOU KNOW?

OR THEY HAVE MORE IMPORTANT

THINGS TO DO LIKE PUTTING THINGS

IN LITTLE BOXES.

WELL, TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME

CAN'T THEY.

WELL, LET'S START THE GENDER

WAR.

YOU KNOW, THE SHOE WILL BE ON

THE OTHER FOOT THEN,

WE'LL SEE WHO'S GOT THE

HEADACHE, WHO'S TOO TIRED,

WHO'S GOT TO PUT THE LITTLE

THINGS INTO BOXES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ARDAL O'HANLON>> SO, A FRIEND

OF MINE WAS RECENTLY TELLING ME

THAT I SHOULD TELL MY DAD THAT

I LOVE HIM BEFORE HE DIES.

AND I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS--

BUT WHAT IF I GOT THE TIMING

WRONG?

YOU KNOW, AND HE LIVED FOR

ANOTHER 20 YEARS.

I DON'T THINK EITHER OF US COULD

COPE WITH THE EMBARRASSMENT.

I'D HAVE TO KILL HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, THAT'S ABOUT ALL I KNOW

REALLY.

YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO

COME HERE AT ALL, YOU KNOW.

I EXPECTED COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

PEOPLE, BUT YOU'VE BEEN

MARVELOUS.

YOU KNOW, I COULDN'T WISH FOR A

BETTER AUDIENCE.

IF I PUT MONEY IN A WISHING

WELL, I DON'T WISH FOR LOVE

OR RICHES OR ANYTHING.

I JUST WISH THAT NOBODY ELSE'S

WISHES COME TRUE AND THAT ALWAYS

WORKS, YOU KNOW.

SORRY ABOUT THAT, IT'S ALL MY

FAULT.

(APPLAUSE)

SO I WISH I HAD A BIG FINISH FOR

YOU PEOPLE AND I WISH I HAD A

BIGGER START AND I WISH THERE

WAS MORE BIGNESS IN THE MIDDLE

BUT LIKE I SAID, IT'S NOT

RIVERDANCE, YOU KNOW?

AND WHERE I COME FROM WE DON'T

EXPECT VERY MUCH.

I MEAN, THERE'S A SAYING IN MY

HOME TOWN-- IF YOU EXPECT A KICK

IN THE BALLS AND YOU GET A SLAP

IN THE FACE THEN IT'S A VICTORY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR

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