CC Presents: Ardal O'Hanlon

  • 10/07/2001

HUH?

AND LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS

PLACE!

HUH?

THIS STAGE IS FAR TOO BIG

FOR MY PURPOSES!

HUH?

I WON'T BE GOING OVER THERE

AT ALL!

(LAUGHTER)

SO, I'M FROM IRELAND.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HOORAY!

HOORAY!

IT'S FANTASTIC!

YOU'RE ALL IRISH!

HOORAY!

AND I'M TYPICALLY IRISH, REALLY,

IN THE SENSE THAT I DON'T LIVE

THERE ANYMORE.

YOU KNOW, WHEREVER YOU GO

IN THE WORLD, YOU'RE ALWAYS

GOING TO RUN INTO A BIG CROWD

OF IRISH PEOPLE.

ALL OVER NEW YORK AND

THE UNITED STATES,

ALL OVER EUROPE.

I GUARANTEE IT IF YOU GO DEEP

INTO THE HEART OF OF THE AMAZON

JUNGLE, YOU WILL STUMBLE ON A

TRIBE OF PREVIOUSLY UNDISCOVERED

IRISH PEOPLE!

WITH STICKS AND TIN WHISTLES,

AND BIG HAIRY EARS!

WHOSE ONLY WORDS ARE-- ARGH!

GO ON AND HAVE A DRINK!

YOU'LL HAVE ONE!

HUH?

COME ON, YOU'LL HAVE A DRINK!

COME ON!

HUH?!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

NOW, THE BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

IRISH PEOPLE AND AMERICAN PEOPLE

IS THAT WE DON'T LIKE TO

COMPLAIN,AND YOU'RE VERY GOOD

AT IT.

IN RESTAURANTS, YOU KNOW,

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE FOOD,

JUST SEND IT BACK.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE CURTAINS,

YOU BURN THEM.

YEAH?

IN IRELAND, WE ACCEPT WHAT WE'RE

GIVEN.

IF YOU'VE GOT HAIR, AND YOU GO

TO A BARBER'S, AND YOU GET YOUR

HAIR CUT, AND THE BARBER MAKES

A COMPLETE MESS OF IT, AND SAYS,

"HOW DOES THAT FEEL?"

YOU ALWAYS GO--

AH, THAT'S GRAND.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

I FEEL LIKE A KING, THANK YOU.

YOU'RE A GENIUS WITH THOSE

SCISSORS!

AND LIKEWISE, I WAS ON THE

PLANE, ON MY WAY TO NEW YORK.

AND THE STEWARDESS COME OVER

TO ME AND SHE SAID, WHERE ARE

YOU FROM?

AND I SAID I WAS IRISH,

'CAUSE IT'S TRUE, AND DIDN'T

WANT TO MESS HER AROUND.

YOU KNOW?

NOT AT THAT ALTITUDE.

AND SHE SAID TO ME,

SO YOU'RE IRISH, ARE YA?

YOU'LL BE NEEDING THIS SO...

AND SHE LEFT THE DRINKS TROLLEY

THERE BESIDE ME.

(CHEERS AND APPL

HOW ARE YOU FEELING.

HOW ARE YOU?

(LOUD CHEERS FROM AUDIENCE)

THAT'S GREAT!

THAT'S MARVELOUS!

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE NOT WELL IN IRELAND.

PEOPLE AREN'T WELL--

THEY'RE SICK.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE SICKER THAN

WE'VE EVER BEEN BEFORE--

WE'RE MORE SICK, MORE OFTEN.

IS IT THE SAME HERE?

YOU KNOW, EVERYONE YOU MEET--

HOW ARE YOU?

OH, I'VE GOT AN AWFUL BUG.

I'VE HAD IT FOR ABOUT FOUR YEARS

NOW-- CAN'T SEEM TO SHRUG IT

OFF.

YOU KNOW, IN THE OLD DAYS,

PEOPLE JUST GOT ON WITH IT--

EVEN THE TERMINALLY ILL.

HOW'RE YOU?

I'M FINE!

WHAT ABOUT THE HORRENDOUS PAIN?

OH, IT HELPS PASS THE TIME!

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

AND OF COURSE, MEN GET MUCH

SICKER THAN WOMEN.

YOU NOTICE THIS?

THE SAME SYMPTOMS, MEN SUFFER

MORE.

AND THERE'S A REASON FOR THIS,

WHY MEN EXPERIENCE PAIN MORE

ACUTELY THAN WOMEN.

AND THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S

ALWAYS A PART OF THE WOMAN'S

BRAIN THINKING ABOUT SHOES.

YEAH?

YEAH.

OF COURSE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW THIS.

YOU SEE, WOMEN ARE CAPABLE OF

HAVING MORE THAN ONE THOUGHT

AT ANY ONE TIME.

MEN CAN'T!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I DON'T KNOW, I HAVE A RUNNY

NOSE.

WOMEN CAN BE THINKING ABOUT

THEIR RUNNY NOSE, AND THINKING

ABOUT WORK, AND WHAT THEY'RE

HAVING FOR DINNER TOMORROW,

AND RECALLING EVERY WORD OF A

CONVERSATION THEY JUST HAD WITH

A FRIEND, TO FIND OUT IF THERE'S

ANY OFFENSE CAUSED OR RECEIVED,

YOU KNOW?

AND THEY CAN BE PLOTTING THEIR

REVENGE-- ANY AMOUNT OF THINGS!

NOW, I'VE NO RESPECT FOR DOCTORS

ANYMORE.

I'VE LOST ALL MY RESPECT FOR THE

MEDICAL PROFESSION.

THEY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!

YOU GO IN THERE, AND THEY SAY--

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG WITH

YOU?

I DON'T KNOW!

IT'S NOT MY JOB TO THINK!

IT'S YOUR JOB TO THINK!

I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE A BUG.

OH, REALLY?

THANKS A MILLION!

WHAT BUG?

YOU KNOW?

AND THE MOST YOU CAN EXPECT

IS A PRESCRIPTION FOR SOME

ANTIBIOTICS.

NOW WHERE I COME FROM,

WHEN YOU GET A PRESCRIPTION FOR

ANTIBIOTICS, YOU DON'T SAY,

WELL, WILL THEY WORK?

WILL THERE BE ANY SIDE EFFECTS?

NO, IT'S-- "WILL I BE ABLE TO

DRINK WITH THESE?"

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

THAT YOU ALL LOOK VERY FIT AND

HEALTHY.

ALTOGETHER.

YOU LOOK GREAT, ACTUALLY.

I'M STANDING HERE ADMIRING YOUR

MAGNIFICENT TORSOS THERE.

CONGRATULATIONS!

AND YOUR BIG LEGS,

LIKE TREE TRUNKS.

EH?

BIG, MOSSY LEGS-- SQUIRRELS

RUNNING UP AND DOWN THEM!

LOVELY!

I DON'T HAVE A TORSO AT ALL.

THERE'S SUCH A GREAT EMPHASIS

HERE, IN THE UNITED STATES,

ON LOOKING GOOD AND FEELING

GOOD.

USUALLY AT AN ENORMOUS EXPENSE

TO YOUR PERSONALITY.

I FIND.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

GOOD.

WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME

WAVELENGTH.

AND THIS FRIEND OF MINE,

NOT REALLY A FRIEND,

BUT A PERSON I KNOW, IN FACT,

I HATE HIM.

WELL, THIS PERSON I HATE,

HE SUGGESTED TO ME THAT I GO ON

A "FUN RUN" TO RAISE MONEY FOR

CHARITY.

NOW I JUST LAUGHED IN HIS FACE.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW, THOSE TWO

WORDS "FUN" AND "RUN"--

THEY SHOULD NEVER BE SEEN

TOGETHER IN THE SAME SENTENCE,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY WITH A BIG

LUMP ON THE SIDE OF THEIR HEAD,

SAYING, "HEY, LOOK AT MY

"'HUMOR TUMOR.'"

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

RUNNING IS NEVER FUN.

RUNNING IS SOMETHING YOU DO WITH

THERE'S A MAN CHASING YOU WITH A

KNIFE!

(APPLAUSE)

AND YOU SEE LOTS OF PEOPLE GOING

AROUND NOW WITH LITTLE BOTTLES

OF WATER.

THEY'RE DRINKING THREE AND FOUR

LITERS OF WATER A DAY!

YOU SEE THEM THERE-- UM, I'VE

GOT MY LITTLE BOTTLE OF WATER.

I'M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER!

SOMEBODY SHOULD TELL THEM WE'RE

NOT PLANTS!

YOU KNOW?

WE'RE HIGHLY COMPLEX BEINGS!

WE CAN DRINK COFFEE AND

ALCOHOL-- WE COULD DRINK

GASOLINE IF WE WANTED TO, IF IT

WASN'T SO (BLEEP)-ING EXPENSIVE!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH!

YEAH!

YOU KNOW, AND EVERYONE'S ON

THESE HIGH FIBER BREAKFAST

CEREALS AS WELL.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T FALLEN FOR

THIS FAD YET, AND I OBJECT TO

THE CLAIMS ON THE TELEVISION

EVERY HALF AN HOUR.

FACT: THERE'S AS MUCH FIBER IN

BOWL OF BRAN, AS IN A BIG FIELD

OF CARROTS!

OR A BIG SHIPFUL OF BANANAS!

YOU KNOW, WHY CAN'T THEY TELL

THE TRUTH?

FACT: THERE'S AS MUCH FIBER IN

ONE BOWL OF BRAN AS THERE IS IN

THE TOILET AFTER EATING ONE BOWL

OF BRAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BECAUSE PEOPLE NOWADAYS ARE

SO OBSESSED WITH HAVING A

REGULAR AND MASSIVE BOWEL

MOVEMENTS, AREN'T THEY?

THEY WANT TO SPEND HALF THE DAY

IN THE TOILET.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY

DON'T THROW A LAXATIVE TABLET

IN A BOWL OF CHEERIOS, AND ENJOY

THEMSELVES NOW AND AGAIN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THEY'RE USELESS, AREN'T THEY?

THEY ARE.

THEY'RE USELESS AND THEY'RE

INEFFECTIVE AND THEY BURST.

AND YOUR STOMACH JUST CAN'T COPE

WITH THE SUDDEN IMPACT OF TWO

KILOS OF COCAINE!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S A VERY DELICATE ORGAN,

THE STOMACH.

AS SOME OF YOU KNOW, THE BEST

WAY TO SMUGGLE DRUGS INTO A

COUNTRY, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU

CHOOSE TO DO, AND I'M NOT

RECOMMENDING IT.

THE BEST THING TO DO IT PLACE

THEM CAREFULLY IN A DOG'S

BOTTOM, LIKE SO.

YEP.

JUST SHOVE THEM UP A DOG'S ASS.

BECAUSE AT THE AIRPORT, IF THE

SNIFFER DOGS SUSPECT ANYTHING,

THEY UM...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, THE OFFICIALS WILL

JUST THINK THEY'RE BEING FRISKY.

SO IT'S FOOLPROOF.

UNLESS OF COURSE, YOUR DOG WEARS

SUNGLASSES AND SWEATS A LOT--

THAT'LL GIVE IT ALL AWAY.

SO, AH, I SUPPOSE SHEEP GET A

LOT HEAVIER WHEN THEY'RE WET,

DON'T THEY?

HUM?

AFTER A BIG DOWNPOUR THEY CAN

HARDLY WALK WITH THE EXTRA

WEIGHT, CAN THEY?

ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE CARRYING

PASSENGERS AND LUGGAGE.

YOU STILL WITH ME?

(LAUGHTER)

COWS-- THEY'RE NOT ABSORBENT

AT ALL, UNLIKE SHEEP.

I MEAN, THE WATER JUST RUNS OFF

A COW'S BACK LIKE IT WOULD A

LITTLE DUCK'S BACK.

AND A DUCK WOULD RUN OFF A COW'S

BACK LIKE WATER OFF A LITTLE

DUCK'S BACK.

BUT A DUCK WOULDN'T RUN OFF A

SHEEP'S BACK.

YOU KNOW?

THEY WOULD TRY VERY HARD

BUT WOULDN'T GET VERY FAR.

THEY WOULD JUST BE ABSORBED

INTO THE WOOL.

AND YOU'D HAVE A SHEEP FULL OF

DEAD DUCKS.

AND THAT'S NO GOOD TO ANYONE

REALLY, IS IT?

YOU KNOW, THE SHEPHERD WOULD

THINK-- THAT'S A UNIQUE PELT,

I'LL GET A GOOD PRICE FOR THAT.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

SO, AH...

SO, IF ANYONE EXPECTING SOME

HARD-HITTING POLITICAL SATIRE

FROM ME THIS EVENING, MIGHT BE

SLIGHTLY DISAPPOINTED AT THIS

STAGE.

UNLESS, OF COURSE,

YOU'RE FARMYARD ANIMALS--

AND THEN YOU'LL BE THINKING--

OH-- THERE'S AS FELLA TOUCHING

ON THE ISSUES THAT AFFECT US!

THAT WHOLE ABSORBENCY DEBATE

IS RAGING IN THE FIELDS AT THE

MOMENT!

NOW...

I AH-- I DON'T KNOW AN AWFUL LOT

ABOUT NEW YORK--

I'VE BEEN HERE A COUPLE OF

TIMES.

I LOVE NEW YORK,

IT'S A MAGNIFICENT CITY.

THING I LOVE MOST ABOUT IT IS

IT'S DIVERSITY.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER KNEW THERE

WERE SO MAY DIFFERENT WAYS

TO SAY "(BLEEP) YOU!"

IT'S FANTASTIC!

BUT, ONE THING I WOULDN'T DO

HERE-- I WOULDN'T TRY TO DRIVE

IN MANHATTAN.

YOU DRIVE LIKE CRAZY HERE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T APPROVE OF

DRINK DRIVING, BUT I'D NEED TO

HAVE A FEW DRINKS TO PLUCK UP

THE COURAGE TO DRIVE, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

YEAH.

IT'S MAD ON THE ROADS.

AND THE MOST DANGEROUS PEOPLE

ON THE ROAD ARE THE AMBULANCE

DRIVERS.

THEY'RE RECKLESS.

NOW I HAVE NO RESPECT AT ALL

FOR THAT PARTICULAR EMERGENCY

VEHICLE.

AND THE THING I DISLIKE MOST

ABOUT THE AMBULANCE IS THE WAY

THEY HAVE THE WORD "AMBULANCE"

SPELLED BACKWARDS-- EMBLAZONED

ACROSS THE FRONT OF THE VEHICLE.

NOW, THE THINKIN' BEIN' THAT

YOU'RE DRIVING ALONG IN TRAFFIC,

AND YOU LOOK IN YOUR REARVIEW

MIRROR, AND SAY-- "OH,

THERE'S AN AMBULANCE BEHIND ME!

SO I BETTER PULL OVER."

THAT'S ASSUMING THAT YOU HAVEN'T

HEARD THE INCREDIBLY LOUD SIREN

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, THEY THINK WE'RE IDIOTS,

DON'T THEY?

SO WHENEVER I SEE AN AMBULANCE

COMING TOWARDS ME, DOWN THE

WRONG SIDE OF THE STREET,

AS THEY OFTEN DO, I THINK TO

MYSELF-- "HMM.

WELL, I HEAR THE SIREN

ALL RIGHT, BUT HOW CAN I BE

SURE?"

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

HOW CAN I BE

I'VE NO ENERGY AT ALL.

I USED UP ALL MY ENERGY IN MY

YOUTH, RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE,

PRETENDING TO BE A HORSE.

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, THE ONLY EXERCISE I GET

NOW WOULD BE A VOMIT ON A FRIDAY

NIGHT.

SO...

(LOUD CHEERS)

KEEPS ME IN TRIM.

WELL, AND I HAD AN OPERATION

A COUPLE MONTHS AGO, YOU KNOW?

NOTHING TOO SERIOUS.

JUST HAVING MY PAJAMAS

SURGICALLY REMOVED.

BUT THIS OPERATION,

IT DID INVOLVE ME HAVING

MY GENITAL AREA SHAVED.

AND I WAS A BIT NERVOUS ABOUT

THIS AT FIRST.

BUT TO BE HONEST, I'VE BEEN

DOING IT EVER SINCE.

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER>>

YEAH, BABY!

O'HANLON>> IT'S JUST ALL THE

GUYS IN THE WARD SAID I LOOKED

MUCH YOUNGER WITHOUT IT,

YOU KNOW?

APPARENTLY IT TAKES YEARS OFF

ME!

WELL, ONCE YOU START SHAVING

AN AREA, YOU JUST CAN'T STOP.

IT GROWS WILDLY OUT OF CONTROL!

I'M STANDING UP HERE AT THE

MOMENT, I FEEL LIKE I HAVE

DON KING'S HEAD IN MY

UNDERPANTS!

AND THAT'S NOT A VERY PLEASANT

THOUGHT, YOU KNOW.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE DON KING.

I'M PERMANENTLY EXHAUSTED.

I SAW A SIGN ON THE SIDE OF

THE ROAD THAT SAID--

"TIREDNESS CAN KILL."

I NEVER KNEW THAT.

LAST SATURDAY, I STAYED UP ALL

NIGHT WATCHING MOVIES.

I COULD'VE DIED!

NOBODY TELLS YA THESE THINGS!

I LOVE SLEEPING.

I THINK SLEEPLESSNESS IS THE

ROOT CAUSE OF ALL THE PROBLEMS

IN SOCIETY TODAY.

PEOPLE DON'T GET ENOUGH SLEEP,

YOU KNOW?

THEY WORK TOO HARD AND THEY'RE

STRESSED OUT.

MAKE MISTAKES AND COMMIT CRIMES,

AND GROW LONG BEARDS AND RUN

AMOK IN THE WORKPLACE WITH

AUTOMATIC WEAPONS.

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE A

SPANISH STYLE SIESTA IN THIS

COUNTRY.

YES.

(LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

FROM ABOUT HALF ELEVEN

IN THE MORNING UNTIL THURSDAY.

THAT WOULD BE ABOUT RIGHT.

FRIEND OF MINE WAS TELLING ME

TO RELAX, AND HE SAID THE BEST

WAY TO RELAX IS TO GO ON

HOLIDAYS.

AND YOU KNOW, THAT'S FAR FROM

BEING RELAXING, GOING ON

HOLIDAYS' THE MOST STRESSFUL

THING YOU CAN DO IN YOUR LIFE!

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE IN A BLIND

PANIC BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THINKING OF ALL THE THINGS YOU

HAVE TO DO-- OH MY GOD,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL THE

MILK.

AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT DOWN

THE DOG.

YOU KNOW?

AND LEAVING A LIGHT ON DOESN'T

FOOL THE BURGLERS FOR A SECOND.

THEY KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT!

I'M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE A HAIR

DRYER ON FOR TWO WEEKS,

SO'S THEY'LL THINK THERE'S

SOMEBODY INSIDE WITH A MASSIVE

HEAD OF HAIR!

THEY'LL THINK DON KING'S LOOKING

AFTER THE HOUSE!

ANYWAY...

OH, LIKE I SAID, I'M FROM

IRELAND, AND UH, THAT'S TRUE,

AND I CAN'T DENY IT.

BUT, SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW THAT

IRELAND HAS THE REPUTATION FOR

BEING A GREAT LITERARY NATION.

YOU KNOW, YOU WALK INTO ANY BAR

IN DUBLIN, APPARENTLY IT'S FULL

OF WRITERS AND POETS.

MOST OTHER COUNTRIES, THEY'RE

CALLED DRUNKS.

NOT IN IRELAND.

AND LIKE MOST IRISH PEOPLE,

I'VE WRITTEN A NOVEL AS WELL.

IT'S NOT MY FIRST.

I'VE BEEN WRITING FOR YEARS,

UNDER THE PSEUDONYM MIA BINCHY

GOING QUITE WELL.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THIS PERSON ASKED ME,

IF I WAS EVER STUCK ON A DESERT

ISLAND, I WAS ON A RADIO TALK

SHOW, AND THE PRESENTER ASKED ME

IF I WAS EVER STUCK ON A DESERT

ISLAND, WHAT TWO BOOKS WOULD

I BRING WITH ME?

AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE THREAT

IMPLIED IN THAT QUESTION.

AND I SAID TO HER.

THE FIRST BOOK I'D BRING WITH

ME, WOULD BE A BIG, PLASTIC,

INFLATABLE BOOK...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THE SECOND ONE WOULD BE.

HOW TO MAKE OARS OUT OF SAND.

NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

THAT SHUT HER UP.

I DON'T LIKE LENDING MY BOOKS

TO PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, PARTLY BECAUSE,

THEY'RE PART OF YOUR IDENTITY.

YOUR BOOKS.

AND ALSO, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE

TO KNOW WHAT I ALREADY KNOW.

YOU KNOW?

I'VE INVESTED A LOT OF TIME AND

EFFORT IN ACQUIRING THAT

KNOWLEDGE.

I DON'T WANT TO THROW AWAY

MY SLENDER ADVANTAGE!

YOU KNOW?

OF COURSE, I'LL LEND THEM

(BLEEP) BOOKS, YES.

I'LL SAY, HERE'S "ANGELA'S

ASHES," TAKE THAT.

HERE YA GO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE OTHER REASON I DON'T LIKE

LENDING BOOKS TO PEOPLE IS THAT

PEOPLE HAVE THIS DISGUSTING

HABIT OF LICKING THEIR THUMBS

BEFORE TURNING A PAGE.

I HAVE A VEGETARIAN FRIEND

THAT DOES THIS AND HE BORROWS

MY BOOKS ALL THE TIME.

AND WHAT I DO IS, I SMEAR THE

CORNER OF THE PAGES WITH BITS OF

GREASY BACON.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERS)

AND I STICK A SAUSAGE IN THE

MIDDLE AS A BOOKMARK.

THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE

IN THE WORLD, TWO TYPES OF

PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM TONIGHT.

THERE ARE THOSE WHO HAVE LOTS OF

CASUAL SEX WITH STRANGERS.

AND THERE'S JEALOUS PEOPLE.

(APPLAUSE AND SCREAMS)

AND THERE THEY ARE OVER THERE.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

THIS COULD BE YOUR LUCKY NIGHT.

ACCORDING TO A MAGAZINE I GET

CALLED, GROSS GENERALIZATION,

VERY IMPORTANT PUBLICATION,

A PERSON HAS SEX 2,580 TIMES

IN HIS OR HER LIFE.

THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT OF SEX,

IT MEANS I HAVE AN AWFUL LOT OF

CATCHING UP TO DO.

I USED TO GET THIS IRISH

CATHOLIC MAGAZINE CALLED,

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES.

PAINTED A VERY DIFFERENT

PICTURE.

I WAS TRYING TO WORK OUT AN

AVERAGE.

HOW MANY TIMES A YEAR IS THAT?

ASSUMING YOU START HAVING SEX

WHEN YOUR 33, AND YOU KEEP GOING

ON TILL YOU'RE MARRIED FOR

AWHILE.

ASSUMING THAT YOU KNOW THAT

MARRIAGE IS WHEN TWO PEOPLE

ARE JOINED TOGETHER TO BECOME

ONE DESPERATELY BORING PERSON.

(APPLAUSE)

NOW IN IRELAND, IT TOOK US

AWHILE TO CATCH UP.

I MEAN, WERE VERY SEXUALLY

LIBERATED NOW OF COARSE,

AS A NATION.

BUT THAT WASN'T ALWAYS THE CASE,

YOU SEE BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE

THE 60s IN IRELAND.

WE WENT STRAIGHT FROM THE 50s

TO 1972.

SO WE DIDN'T EXPERIENCE NOTIONS

OF FLOWER POWER OR FREE LOVE

OR WOODSTOCK.

WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT,

YOU KNOW?

WE WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN WHAT TO

DO WITH FREE LOVE.

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN SAYING--

WHAT ARE YOU AFTER?

MY LAND, HUH?

GO AWAY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IF IT WAS FREE DRINK,

THAT WOULD BE A DIFFERENT STORY

AND THEN AFTER A FEW FREE DRINKS

WE'D BE WONDERING IS THE FREE

LOVE STILL GOING.

BUT LUCKILY, I HAVE NO INTEREST

IN SEX AT ALL.

YOU KNOW, IT'S SO UNDIGNIFIED

REALLY ISN'T IT.

ATTACHING YOURSELF TO ANOTHER

HUMAN BEING LIKE THAT.

AND MAKING ALL THOSE FACES.

(APPLAUSE)

AND THOSE NOISES.

HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH.

SURELY THERE MUST BE A MORE

DIGNIFIED WAY TO EXPRESS YOUR

LOVE AND ADMIRATION FOR ANOTHER

HUMAN BEING.

YOU KNOW, LIKE BAKING THEM A

NICE CAKE OR SOMETHING--

OR JUST LEAVING THEM ALONE

FOR AWHILE.

THAT WOULD DO IT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND SOME PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO

REALIZE THAT SEX IS A VERY

IMPORTANT PART OF A

RELATIONSHIP.

LET'S JUST PICK A GENDER AT

RANDOM HERE.

SOME WOMEN DON'T SEEM TO KNOW

ABOUT THIS, YOU KNOW?

IT'S NEVER THE RIGHT TIME,

THEY'VE ALWAYS GOT A HEADACHE

OR THEIR TOO TIRED, YOU KNOW?

OR THEY HAVE MORE IMPORTANT

THINGS TO DO LIKE PUTTING THINGS

IN LITTLE BOXES.

WELL, TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME

CAN'T THEY.

WELL, LET'S START THE GENDER

WAR.

YOU KNOW, THE SHOE WILL BE ON

THE OTHER FOOT THEN,

WE'LL SEE WHO'S GOT THE

HEADACHE, WHO'S TOO TIRED,

WHO'S GOT TO PUT THE LITTLE

THINGS INTO BOXES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ARDAL O'HANLON>> SO, A FRIEND

OF MINE WAS RECENTLY TELLING ME

THAT I SHOULD TELL MY DAD THAT

I LOVE HIM BEFORE HE DIES.

AND I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS--

BUT WHAT IF I GOT THE TIMING

WRONG?

YOU KNOW, AND HE LIVED FOR

ANOTHER 20 YEARS.

I DON'T THINK EITHER OF US COULD

COPE WITH THE EMBARRASSMENT.

I'D HAVE TO KILL HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, THAT'S ABOUT ALL I KNOW

REALLY.

YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO

COME HERE AT ALL, YOU KNOW.

I EXPECTED COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

PEOPLE, BUT YOU'VE BEEN

MARVELOUS.

YOU KNOW, I COULDN'T WISH FOR A

BETTER AUDIENCE.

IF I PUT MONEY IN A WISHING

WELL, I DON'T WISH FOR LOVE

OR RICHES OR ANYTHING.

I JUST WISH THAT NOBODY ELSE'S

WISHES COME TRUE AND THAT ALWAYS

WORKS, YOU KNOW.

SORRY ABOUT THAT, IT'S ALL MY

FAULT.

(APPLAUSE)

SO I WISH I HAD A BIG FINISH FOR

YOU PEOPLE AND I WISH I HAD A

BIGGER START AND I WISH THERE

WAS MORE BIGNESS IN THE MIDDLE

BUT LIKE I SAID, IT'S NOT

RIVERDANCE, YOU KNOW?

AND WHERE I COME FROM WE DON'T

EXPECT VERY MUCH.

I MEAN, THERE'S A SAYING IN MY

HOME TOWN-- IF YOU EXPECT A KICK

IN THE BALLS AND YOU GET A SLAP

IN THE FACE THEN IT'S A VICTORY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR

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