Tuesday, March 1, 2016

  • 03/01/2016

Hayes MacArthur, Andree Vermeulen and David Koechner celebrate Justin Bieber's birthday, come up with #GrittySeuss stories and guess why kids are unimpressed with politicians.

Ripped from the headlines,today, it's Rapid Refresh!

(applause and cheering)

Behold! These trending topicsstand before us

waiting to be judged.

First up-- publitics.Publitics.

The Three Stags Pub in Londonhas decided

to celebrate the Americanelection (bleep) show

by appropriately addingsomething to their (bleep).

What is theirpolitically-inspired

bathroom installation?

A Bernie Sanders "Don't Feelthe Bern" condom machine,

or urinals shapedlike Republicans' mouths?

-(laughter)-Hayes.

Uh, I'm gonna gowith the Bernie Sanders

"Don't Feel the Bern" condommachine 'cause I feel like

that would be coveredunder his healthcare plan.

-HARDWICK: All right, yeah.-(applause and cheering)

Excellent answer.

The correct one is...

-Look at that.-Yay!

(cheers and applause)

-I think... -VERMEULEN:This is the first time

I have dick envy.

(laughter)

HARDWICK: Gonna give youa hundred points for that.

I think that eventuallythey're gonna remove the Trump.

They'll be like,

(with British accent):Who keeps (bleep)

into the middle one?!

(laughter)

Stop dropping pollywogs.

(applause and cheering)

All right, onto our next topic--Bieber Day.

Tuesday is Justin Bieber'sbirthday, so Belieber...

-WOMAN: Yay!-No! You're making it worse!

-(applause and cheering)-No!

If you do that,he only grows stronger!

WOMAN:Yay!

-Well... No!-(laughter)

Beliebers all over the world

are celebratingin their own special way,

like this interesting takeon his hit song, "Sorry."

♪ Is it too late nowto say sorry? ♪

Uh, I guess, uh, Reggie Nottshere is probably apologizing

for invading his phone'spersonal space.

So, comedians, how did youcelebrate the Biebs birthday?

Hayes.

Same thing I do every day--

sit in my caroutside Selena Gomez's house.

-(laughter, cheering)-Points.

So in other words, a Tuesday.

-Dave Koechner.-I don't give a (bleep).

-All right.-(laughter, cheering, applause)

Well done.

On to our next topic:DTF jobs.

Tinder, everyone'sfavorite fingered right

to be fingered right nowdating app,

just releaseda list of professions

that get the most right swipes.

Now, for the uninitiated,swiping left

on a Tinder profile meansthat you're not horny enough

to settle just yet,and swiping right means

you are DTF ASAP!

Here's a breakdownof the most DTF jobs.

Uh, pilot, founder-entrepreneur,firefighter...

-TV-radio personality?-VERMEULEN: Oh! Okay...

(cheering, applause, whistling)

Uh...

Over there.I'm happy to see that teachers

are crotch-deep in hornyTinder users down there.

-That's very exciting.-(applause, whooping)

-It's nice.-(applause continues)

Ah, unpaid student loansmake me so wet!

-So, comedians...-(laughter)

since we know which jobs getthe most right swipes on Tinder,

I want you to give me themost left-swiped professions.

-Drée.-Uh, serial killer...

I mean, truck driver.

-(laughter, applause)-Points. Points.

-David.-Ebola quarantine manager.

(laughter)

I'm just kidding, Chris.

-Assistant manager.-All right. Points.

It's now timefor the HashtagWars.

(cheering)

I'm glad you're excited.This is a very special one.

If you feel a wumbusin your zummers tomorrow,

and your yuzz-a-ma-tuzzgets all rosy,

that's because Wednesdayis Dr. Seuss's birthday.

-(whooping)-I know! -VERMEULEN: Yay!

Well, you could haveshingles. Maybe.

Let's try the birthday thing.

Now, Dr. Seuss is knownfor his children's books,

but it's only a matter of timebefore Hollywood

starts turning theminto dark movie reboots.

Darker even than this!

That's horrifying!

No one should ever see thatin real life.

Which is why tonight's hashtagis GrittySeuss.

GrittySeuss.Examples might be:

The Lorax Murderer.

Or... Oh, the Places You'll Go to Get Your Weird Pornography.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Koechner. -Rescued Cat in the Hat Was Put Down.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Hayes MacArthur. -How the Grinch Stole the Pensions

-of 9/11 Widows. -Points.

-Drée. -One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Black Fish,

All the Whales Are Dying!

Points. David Koechner.

Where the Sidewalk Ends

and the Lawsuit Against Shel Silverstein begins.

Points. Excellent reference.

-Hayes. -Horton Hears His Father-In-Law

Refer to Them as 'Those People'

but Doesn't Do Anything, 'Cause What Can You do

-About Institutional Racism? -All right. Points.

Very gritty. Very gritty. Drée.

Hop on Pop, Then Call a Cop.

Yeah. Points.

-Hayes. -Oh, The Places You'll Go

If You'll Just Hop in My Van and Help Me Find My Puppy, Kid.

-Yeah. Points.-(laughter)

-Drée. -And the Grinch's Green Penis

Grew Three Sizes That Day.

(laughter)

-Koechner. -All the Things You'll Find

When You Fist His Behind.

It's time to play Sketch Comedy.Sketch Comedy.

(cheering)

Courtroom sketch artistsare like drunks

that witness a car accident

and then try to draw itwith their mouths.

I'm not sure whythey don't just use cameras,

but who am I to judge a judge?

So, comedians, I'm gonnashow you a bad courtroom sketch,

and for 250 points, just answera few simple questions.

And remember,you are under oath.

First up--bailiff, what's our next case?

Oh.

-Hayes. -The UPS Guyversus the Traffic Cone

That ThoughtIt Was Better Than Him.

Yeah. Points.

-David. -Your Honor,it's a case of my ex-wife

marrying Jim Simmons--he used to be

my best friend in the world!

-All right. Points.-(applause, cheering)

-Yeah.-(applause, whooping)

Next up--you may cross-examine.

(audience groans)

Yes, Drée.

Mr. Carrot Top,you've been accused

of murdering a woman...

with a toilet seattied to a baseball bat.

Points. Next up, next up--

closing statements,closing statements.

Hayes.

Before we sentencethis guy to death,

give it up for Randyon the keys!

(laughter, whooping)

Just playing"Stairway to Heaven."

-MacARTHUR:Tickling the ivories. -Drée.

Uh, the defense rests,Your Honor.

Jimmy, hit it.♪ Never gonna give you up

-♪ Never gonna let you down. -Yeah, points. Points.

Koechner.

Ladies and gentlemen of thejury, I'd like to thank you all

for hanging out for 12 weeksof laborious testimony.

Before you leave,tip your waitstaff.

Yeah. Points.

Finally, please risefor your sentence.

Please rise...

I don't get up for anything lessthan a paragraph.

Yes, points.

Well played.

Well played indeed.

Hayes MacArthur.

Uh, the courtfinds you free to go.

However, your faceand sweater sentence you

to a lifetimeof solitary confinement.

Points.

It's time for our next game,Thugs Not Hugs.

Thugs Not Hugs.

Oh, boy.

This is one of myfavorite games.

This is a shiny new 2016 editionof Thugs Not Hugs.

If you're not familiarwith the game,

please direct your attentionto the monitor.

WOMAN:Say hello to the camera.

Hello, (bleep).

Starts off all cute and huggy

and reveals that he will nottake (bleep) from anybody.

So comedians,we're gonna show you an image

of a cute childand for 250 points

you're gonna tell usif they're living a hug life

or a thug life.

First up, thisbuckled little buddy.

-Koechner.-Thug.

All right, let's find out.

-WOMAN: Oh, I love you.-Catch it.

WOMAN:Got it. Love you.

Oh, (bleep) in your mouth.

♪ (bleep) the police, comin'straight from the underground ♪

He should knowthat's a thing you can do

for at least another 13 years.

Next up, this childlet down by her best friend.

Thug life or hug life?

Hayes.

Hug, 'cause I have to believein the innocence of children.

All right, let's find out.Let's find out.

(babbles)

VERMUELEN:Aw.

-KOECHNER: Wait...-And then the dog eats her face.

HARDWICK:Then the dog eats her face.

Next up, this pint-sized driver.This pint-sized driver.

Thug life or hug life?Drée.

-Thug life.-Yeah, let's find out.

Batman! Batman!

Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh.

He...

He ran over Batman.

I know, he was very happy.

Look at that sadistic,deranged face.

Possibly the prequelto Batman v Superman?

Could be, yeah.Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's little Kal-El.That's little Kal-El

right there,running down little Batman.

As we go to our next game,

Kissing Handsand Shaking Babies!

People get so fired upabout politics.

They whine and they poutand they cry

and sometimes they (bleep)their pants just a little bit.

I'm talking about babies.Uh, they're an important tool

often used in photo ops to makepoliticians seem likable.

That is,if the babies play along,

'cause babies do not put upwith bull(bleep).

So, comedians, I'm gonna showyou some photos of politicians

with babieswho do not seem impressed,

and I would like you to tell mewhat the politician said

to upset that child.

First up, this little hipsterwho's unimpressed with Obama.

Drée.

(a la Obama):Uh, your Hot Topic application

has been... rejected.

Points. Next up,

this little scamp and RussianSith Lord, Vladimir Putin.

-Hayes. -(Russian accent):The burning you feel

is just the plutoniumtaking effect.

All right. Points.

Next up,

this little one who can't evenwith Senator McCain.

Koechner.

And then someone whisperedthe name Sarah Palin in my ear.

Points. Points.

All right. Next up, thisunhappy tyke and Mitt Romney.

-Drée. -(singing introto "The Circle of Life")

Wonderful.

Next up, this kidwho's getting contact-drunk

from former Toronto mayor,Rob Ford.

-Koechner. -What do you meanI can't snort you?

You look like some white pilesomeone gave me.

Points. Points.

Finally, this little fellaand Daddy Whorebucks here.

Yeah, Koechner.

You tell your Mexican nannyto start building that wall!

All right.

-Points.-Not a nice man.

Not a nice man. Points.