CC Presents: Tracy Smith

  • 08/21/2003

YOU GUYS.

TOMORROW NIGHT, I HAVE MY

FIRST DATE WITH THE GUY I'VE

BEEN SLEEPING WITH FOR A YEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR.

[LAUGHTER]

I EVEN SHAVED ABOVE THE KNEE

FOR THIS ONE, YOU GUYS.

WHOO-HOO!

I AM FEELING SAUCY NOW.

YOU EVER HAVE SOMEBODY TALK YOU

INTO SHAVING THE WHOLE THING

OFF?

GOD, IT LOOKED SO STUPID.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOOKED LIKE A GREAT BIG NAKED

BABY.

HEY, I'M NOT COMING OUT OF

THE BATHROOM.

YOU'RE A SICK (BLEEP).

[LAUGHTER]

I WANTED TO GET A LITTLE TOUPEE

FOR IT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THEN AFTER A COUPLE OF DAYS...

Female Audience Members: OH!

Tracy Smith: OH, YOU DID IT,

DIDN'T YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

IT LOOKED LIKE SOME GUY

ON A CAMPING TRIP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WANTED TO GIVE IT A BEER

AND A CIGAR.

CALL IT "MONICA."

AND THEN-- AHHH!

NO, I DON'T HAVE CRABS.

I'M GOING OUT WITH A

(BLEEP) DAMN PEDOPHILE.

[LAUGHTER]

SICKO.

OH, I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEARS,

DON'T YOU?

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

OH, I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR.

ALL THE COLORS ARE CHANGING

IN THE GAP WINDOW.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE THE GAP.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE STORE.

I'M A SIZE TWO AT THE GAP.

THEY ARE SO FULL OF (BLEEP).

[LAUGHTER]

TRYING TO FLATTER US INTO

BUYING CLOTHES.

THAT'S A LIE I CAN LIVE WITH.

AND THEY HAVE A GREAT SALE RACK,

AND I'M BROKE.

YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU GET

A LITTLE EXTRA MONEY?

RUN INTO A FEW, BONUS BUCKS

SOMEWHERE?

AND THEN SOMETHING HAPPENS

RIGHT AWAY, TO JUST SUCK IT

RIGHT OUTTA YOUR HANDS.

YEAH?

HAS IT GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE

YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE THE ANXIETY

OF HAVING EXTRA MONEY?

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE, YOU JUST WONDER WHAT

THE HELL'S GONNA HAPPEN?

YOU PLAYED LOTTERY?

I WON'T PLAY IT.

UH-HUH, TOO RISKY.

IF I WON THE LOTTERY, $8 MILLION

WORTH OF (BLEEP) WOULD HAPPEN

TO ME.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

I WOULD CRASH MY CAR INTO

A MUSEUM.

"HOW MUCH FOR THE DINOSAUR?"

$8 MILLION?

I'VE GOT THAT.

OH, AND 25 FOR THE PLAQUE.

(BLEEP).

[LAUGHTER]

ALL I HAD HERE WAS THIS

8 MILLION BUCKS, JUST A-BURNING

A HOLE IN MY POCKET.

I WAS GONNA GO TO TARGET

AND JUST TEAR IT UP!

GOD, I LOVE THAT STORE.

I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH MONEY

YOU HAVE.

TARGET (BLEEP) ROCKS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T GET OUTTA THERE

WITHOUT SPENDING 200 BUCKS.

HAVE YOU EVER?

GO IN THERE FOR A PAIR OF

UNDERPANTS.

AND-- (BLEEP) DAMMIT,

I NEED PILLOW SHAMS

AND A MATCHING TOOTHBRUSH CUP.

I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF.

I SAID I WASN'T GONNA USE

A CART TODAY.

WELL, YOU TRY TO KID YOURSELF,

WITH THAT HANDBASKET.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

YOU GOT A FRIGGING MICROWAVE

IN THE HAND BASKET.

[LAUGHTER]

I BOUGHT PATIO FURNITURE.

I DON'T HAVE A YARD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT HAD MATCHING PLATES

AND A SUN TEA MAKER.

AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING,

GOING TO TARGET FOR JUST ONE

PAIR OF UNDERPANTS FOR, ANYWAY?

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU

ON THE WAY TO TARGET?

[LAUGHTER]

JUST RING UP THE UNDERPANTS,

MA'AM.

I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

I HAVE FIVE SISTERS, JUST BODY

CONSCIOUS TO THE POINT OF

RIDICULOUSNESS.

MY YOUNGEST SISTER WAS IN

A CAR ACCIDENT ONE SUMMER.

NOW, SHE'S OKAY.

THE GIRL WAS IN A COMA

FOR TWO WEEKS, HOOKED UP TO ALL

THESE MACHINES, FIGHTING FOR HER

LIFE.

AND WE'RE AT HER BED SIDE,

GOING, "SHE'S GONNA LOSE SO MUCH

WEIGHT, THAT LUCKY BITCH."

[LAUGHTER]

HOW MANY CALORIES IN THIS

(BLEEP) GOING UP HER NOSE?

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE WE'LL DO ANYTHING

TO LOSE WEIGHT--

ANYTHING EXCEPT DIET

AND EXERCISE.

YOU JUST SCRATCH THAT OFF

THE TOP OF THE LIST.

IS THERE ANYBODY HERE ON THEIR

PRENUPTIAL DIET RIGHT NOW?

YOU KNOW, THAT ONE,

BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED, GET INTO

THE SIZE 5 WEDDING GOWN.

NEVER LOOK THIS GOOD AGAIN FOR

THE REST OF YOUR FRICKING LIFE,

DIET.

HE SAYS, "I DO."

SHE SAYS, "LET'S EAT."

[LAUGHTER]

SALAD BAR MY ASS.

WE'RE MARRIED NOW.

REMEMBER THAT SKINNY GIRL

YOU WERE ENGAGED TO?

SHE'S GONE.

[LAUGHTER]

I ATE HER.

[APPLAUSE]

I HAVE A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT

ON MONDAY.

I'M NOT EVEN SICK.

IT'S JUST THAT I'VE BEEN

WORKING OUT, AND I WANT SOMEONE

TO SEE ME NAKED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE THE BIGGEST CRUSH

ON MY NEW DOCTOR, I CAN'T EVEN

STAND IT.

OH!

OH, HE'S GORGEOUS.

THAT MAN COULD TELL ME I'M

DYING, AND I'D BE LIKE--

"OH, [GIGGLING] REALLY?

GUESS WE'LL BE SEEING A LOT

OF EACH OTHER, HUH?"

[LAUGHTER]

Tracy Smith: MY NIECE

IS GETTING MARRIED NEXT MONTH,

MY NIECE.

YEAH.

JUST PUT A BULLET THROUGH

MY HEAD IF I HAVE TO CATCH THE

BOUQUET AT THAT (BLEEP) WEDDING.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YEAH.

"THROW IT TO POOR OLD AUNTIE

TRACY.

HA-HA-HA."

[SHOOTING SOUNDS]

MY BEST FRIEND'S GETTING MARRIED

FOR HER SECOND TIME.

I'M 34 YEARS OLD.

I THOUGHT I'D BE DIVORCED

BY NOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THOUGHT I'D BE COLLECTING

CHECKS FROM SOME ASS (BLEEP).

[LAUGHTER]

I GOTTA KEEP ON WORKING.

SAY, YOU GUYS KIND OF LOOKED

A LITTLE SURPRISED WHEN I SAID

I WAS 34, YOU BASTARDS.

I'M NOT A BAD LOOKING PACKAGE

UP HERE, HUH, SIR?

NU-HUH.

NOT A STITCH ON ME, EITHER.

YOU CAN GET ANY KIND OF SURGERY

IMAGINABLE IN THIS TOWN, TOO.

AND THEY DO IT.

HOLY (BLEEP).

BOTOX AND COLLAGEN, AND VAGINAL

REJUVENATION.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, MY GOD, WHAT?

VAGINAL REJUVENATION.

HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW WHEN

THAT LOOKS OLD?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHO DO YOU TRUST WITH THAT

QUESTION?

COME ON.

WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE

PICTURES FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I THOUGHT

I WAS FAT THEN.

I THINK I'LL STICK THAT

TO THE FRIDGE FOR MOTIVATION.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M FEELING ALL RIGHT

FOR MY AGE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, LAST WEEK

I GOT HIT ON BY THE MOST

ADORABLE 22-YEAR-OLD...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BISEXUAL GIRL.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE THOUGHT I WAS ALL THAT.

WHOO-HOO!

I GAVE THE MATTER SOME

CONSIDERATION.

HEY, YOU GET TO BE MY AGE,

YOU THINK ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT,

OKAY?

BUT SHE'S, YOU KNOW,

12 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME.

FOUND MYSELF LOOKING AT MYSELF

IN THE MIRROR NAKED.

YOU KNOW.

TWENTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD BOY

SEES ME NAKED, HE'LL GO, "WELL,

THAT'S WHAT AN OLDER WOMAN

LOOKS LIKE, I GUESS."

22 YEAR-OLD GIRL SEES ME NAKED?

SHE'LL GO, "I BETTER START

TAKING CARE OF MYSELF."

[LAUGHTER]

"NEVER TOO EARLY TO MOISTURIZE."

I'M SEEING A YOUNGER GUY,

NOW, THOUGH.

OH.

YOUNGER MEN ARE SO CUTE,

AREN'T THEY?

MMMM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE úEM.

'CAUSE THEY STILL BELIEVE IN

THEIR DREAMS.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST THINK THAT'S ADORABLE.

TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT YOUR 5-YEAR

PLAN.

YOU CAN DO IT.

EVERYBODY KEEPS ASKING ME

WHAT HE DOES.

"WHAT DOES HE DO?

WHAT DOES HE DO?"

I DON'T GIVE A (BLEEP).

HE DOES ME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M IN MY MID 30s NOW,

NOT SO PICKY ANY MORE.

IT'S NOT LIKE BEING IN THE 20s.

OH, I WAS HAVING A BLAST.

I WAS GOING THROUGH MEN LIKE

THEY WERE FRICKIN' KLEENEX.

IT'S LIKE, WHOO-HOO!

♪ YOU'RE TOO TALL ♪

♪ AND YOU CAN'T DANCE ♪

♪ AND I DON'T LIKE ♪

♪ THE PLEATS IN YOUR PANTS ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

YEAH?

WELL, THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE 30 YEARS OLD.

AND YOUR KLEENEX BOX IS EMPTY.

AND YOU ARE DIGGING THROUGH

THE TRASH FOR A WAD YOU HAVEN'T

USED UP YET.

WHERE'S THE GUY WHO LIKED ME

TOO MUCH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHERE'S THE ONE WHO WAS

TOO NICE?

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

YOU FINALLY MEET A GUY WHO

BUYS YOU FLOWERS AND OPENS DOORS

FOR YOU AND YOU GO, "(BLEEP)

WIMP."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"MOMMA'S BOY.

GO ON BACK TO MOMMA.

SEND ME BACK SOMEBODY WHO'LL

TREAT ME LIKE (BLEEP)."

I AM NOT THERE YET.

BUT MARK MY WORDS.

YOU HIT YOUR MID 30s

AND YOU'RE STILL SINGLE,

YOU'LL LOOK AROUND AND FEEL LIKE

YOU MISSED OUT ON THE FIRST

ROUND DRAFT PICKS.

AND THAT GUY WHO COULDN'T DANCE

NOW LOOKS AWFULLY CUTE CARRYING

A DIAPER BAG.

NOW WE GOTTA WAIT FOR TRADING

SEASON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOKING FOR DIVORCED MEN.

WE GET TO PICK OVER THE

CARCASSES OF WHAT THE EX-WIVES

LEFT US.

RUNNING AROUND HOTEL LOUNGES,

GOING, "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD."

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE THREW

THAT OUT.

THERE'S STILL SOME MEAT ON THOSE

BONES.

AAH-AAH!

GET BACK, YOU FRIGGING VULTURES.

I SAW IT FIRST.

AAH-AAH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAN'S BEST FRIEND UP HERE.

ANYBODY THINKS I DON'T LIKE MEN,

TAKE A LITTLE CLOP AROUND THE

BLOCK IN THESE FRICKING SHOES.

COME BACK WITH YOUR BLISTERED

FEET, AND TELL ME HOW MUCH

I HATE MEN.

I LOVE MEN.

I THINK WOMEN ARE THE PROBLEM.

OH, YEAH.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR WOMEN,

I'D HAVE ALL THE MEN I NEED.

[LAUGHTER]

I'D BE SHEENA, QUEEN OF THE

JUNGLE.

YOU'D BE MY LOYAL SUBJECT.

NOT FOR SEX, JUST TO FETCH ME

STUFF.

YOU COULD BRING ME FOOD.

'CAUSE IF I'M GONNA BE THE ONLY

WOMAN ON EARTH, FAT'S COMING

BACK IN STYLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, DON'T START CLAPPING NOW,

LADIES.

IT'S MY ISLAND.

I'D INVITE YOU, BUT ONE OF YOU

WOULD LOSE WEIGHT AND (BLEEP)

IT UP FOR ALL OF US.

YOU'VE ALREADY SCREWED UP

ENOUGH THINGS FOR EACH OTHER.

MEN ARE PISSED OFF AT US.

MEN DON'T TRUST US.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE WOMEN COST MONEY.

YEAH.

AND IF A MAN IS OVER 35

AND HE'S SINGLE, OR SINGLE

AGAIN, WELL, HE'S MADE SOME BAD

INVESTMENTS.

USED TO BE THE WOMEN HAD ALL

THE LAND AND ALL THE MONEY.

WE WERE GIVEN DOWRIES.

PARCELS OF LAND.

AND WHOEVER HAD THE BIGGEST

DOWRY, AND THE BIGGEST PARCEL

OF LAND, GOT HER CHOICE

OF THE HOTTEST BACHELORS.

OF COURSE, THAT WAS THE SAME

TIME IN OUR HISTORY WHEN THE MEN

WERE RUNNING AROUND WEARING

MAKE-UP, WIGS, AND HIGH HEELS.

WHO'S MOMMY'S LITTLE WHORE NOW.

DON'T WEAR SO MUCH ROUGE, HONEY.

YOU LOOK DESPERATE.

BUT WOMEN WORRY ABOUT LOSING

TIME.

YOU KNOW.

THEIR LOOKS FADE AFTER TIME.

THAT'S WHAT THEY GET SCARED

ABOUT.

BUT WOMEN OVER 35 ARE BEAUTIFUL,

DON'T YOU AGREE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT LOOK

REALLY YOUNG.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WE JUST DON'T TRUST

EACH OTHER ANYMORE.

NOW WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN JOBS,

AND OUR OWN TICKING CLOCKS

AND OUR OWN MONEY.

AND MEN AND WOMEN CAN'T

GET TOGETHER, 'CAUSE WE DON'T

TRUST EACH OTHER.

WE ALL HAVE BAGGAGE.

I CAN'T CHANGE MEN.

IF I COULD, I WOULDN'T BE SINGLE

ANYMORE.

SO, NOW I GOTTA GIVE THE ADVICE

TO THE WOMEN.

AND GUYS BACK ME UP ON THIS

IF YOU WANT THEM TO LISTEN,

ALL RIGHT?

LADIES, IF YOU WANNA MEET

SOMEBODY, KNOW THAT EVERYBODY

WORKS HARD FOR A LIVING.

BUY A GUY A BEER ONCE IN A

WHILE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE MAYBE MR. SO-AND-SO

ISN'T COMING UP TO US,

'CAUSE HE KNOWS IT'S GONNA COST

HIM 10 BUCKS JUST TO SAY HELLO.

AND WE'RE GONNA TELL HIM TO

(BLEEP) OFF.

AND IF WE DON'T TELL HIM

TO (BLEEP) OFF, IT'S GONNA COST

HIM ANOTHER 20 TO GET THE WRONG

PHONE NUMBER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I KNOW WE'VE ALL BEEN

(BLEEP) ON A FEW TIMES, YEAH?

YOU KNOW SISTERS.

GET OVER IT.

LOOK, IF ANNE FRANK COULD STILL

WRITE IN HER DIARY THAT SHE

THINKS PEOPLE ARE BASICALLY

GOOD, I THINK WE COULD HAVE A

FEW BAD DATES, WITHOUT THINKING

THAT ALL MEN ARE ASS (BLEEP).

GIVE A GUY A BREAK.

I MEAN, WHAT MAKES HIM

AN ASS (BLEEP), ANYWAY?

WHAT?

HE DIDN'T NOTICE YOUR SHOES?

HE'S UNCOMFORTABLE AT CANDLELIT

DINNERS?

HE DOESN'T LIVE UP TO YOUR

ROMANCE NOVEL EXPECTATIONS?

IF YOU COULD FIND SOMEONE

WHO COULD DO THAT FOR MORE THAN

ONE MONTH, MARRY THAT GUY.

YEAH.

AND MAYBE IF YOU'RE LUCKY,

BY YOUR THIRD ANNIVERSARY,

HE'LL COME OUT OF THE CLOSET...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WEARING YOUR SHOES.

Tracy Smith: I DON'T KNOW

IF I'LL EVER GET MARRIED.

DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO.

BUT I DO WISH AT SOME POINT,

MY FRIENDS WOULD AT LEAST THROW

ME A SHOWER.

YEAH, YEAH, MAYBE FOR MY

35th BIRTHDAY.

SAY, LOOK, MARRIAGE MIGHT NOT BE

YOUR THING BUT WE WENT TO TARGET

AND GOT YOU SOME KITCHEN CRAP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE KNOW YOU WOULDN'T GET THIS

FOR YOURSELF.

IT'S A HEART-SHAPED PANCAKE

MAKER.

BREAKFAST FOR ONE.

YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF.

OKAY, NOW.

THIS ONE'S REALLY SPECIAL.

WE ALL CHIPPED IN ON IT.

IT'S A "NECK MASSAGER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I FIND IT VERY HANDY WHEN

MY HUSBAND JIM'S OUT OF TOWN

ON BUSINESS.

OH, WAY TO GO, FRANCINE,

IF THAT'S WHAT GETS YOU THROUGH

THE NIGHT WHEN JIM'S OUT OF TOWN

ON "BUSINESS".

BUT IF YOU CAN'T GET THAT

"NECK MASSAGER" TO BITE

MY NIPPLES AND SPANK ME,

YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A GOOD

NECK MASSAGE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT KIDS, EITHER.

MAYBE A FOSTER CHILD, THAT'D BE

COOL.

WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE

MARRIED, AND YOU COULD SEND IT

BACK WHEN IT'S NOT FUN ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, COME ON.

I MEAN, KIDS ARE GREAT

AND EVERYTHING.

BUT DON'T TEENAGERS JUST GIVE

YOU THE CREEPS?

THEY'RE JUST SO BLOODY SAD

ALL THE TIME.

YOU JUST WANNA TELL úEM,

"LOOK, GO TO YOUR ROOM,

AND DON'T COME BACK úTIL YOU'RE

OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK...

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE YOU ARE BUMMING ME OUT.

YOU ARE SPOILING COCKTAIL HOUR

FOR AUNTIE TRACY.

[LAUGHTER]

MY LITTLE SISTER'S ONLY

30 YEARS OLD AND HAS FOUR KIDS

ALREADY.

I SPENT TEN MINUTES WITH THOSE

FOUR KIDS AND MY OVARIES

TIED THEMSELVES IN A KNOT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE ASKED ME TO TAKE CARE OF úEM

FOR A WEEK...

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S A

GOVERNMENT PROGRAM.

IT'S CALLED "SCARED STERILE."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I WANTED TO DO IT 'CAUSE

I'M COMPETITIVE LIKE THAT.

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE GOOD

AT IT.

THOUGHT THAT BY THE END

OF THE WEEK, I'D HAVE THOSE

LITTLE BASTARDS IN UNIFORM,

SINGING EDELWEISS.

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH

(BLEEP) LAUNDRY IN MY LIFE!

AND YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING

STUFF SINGLE GIRLS NEVER SAY.

LIKE, "STOP LICKING THAT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY BROTHER HAS TWO DAUGHTERS.

DISAPPOINTED HE DOESN'T HAVE

A SON TO CARRY ON HIS NAME.

I SAID, "JERRY, OUR NAME IS

"SMITH."

WAKE THE HELL UP!"

[LAUGHTER]

OUR NAME'S BEING CARRIED ON

IN HOTEL ROOMS ALL OVER THE

COUNTRY.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY TIME ONE OF MY SISTERS

GETS PREGNANT, THEY GOTTA

CALL ME UP IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE NIGHT.

"TRACY, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE

I ACTUALLY HAVE A PERSON

INSIDE OF ME."

I SAID, "SO DO I.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

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