Tuesday, November 3, 2015

  • 11/03/2015

Samm Levine, Alex Borstein and Greg Proops imitate a baby drug kingpin, listen to #NerdyCountryMusic and guess what luxurious items celebrities demand on their riders.

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

YESTERDAY IRELAND ANNOUNCEDPLANS TO DECRIMINALIZE SMALL

QUANTITIES OF HEROIN, COCAINEAND CANNABIS. AND ACCORDING TO

THE IRISH GOVERNMENT, THEOFFICIAL AMOUNT CITIZENS WILL BE

PERMITTED TO POSSESS IS "WEE."

SPEAKING OF WEE BITS OF COCAINE.

"JUST A WEE BIT.

A WEE BIT. YOU'RE FINE."

A HALLOWEEN VIDEO POSTED TOFACEBOOK GENERATED CONTROVERSY

THIS WEEK OF A TODDLER DRESSEDUP AS PABLO ESCOBAR.

THIS WEEK OF A TODDLER DRESSEDUP AS PABLO ESCOBAR.

PABLO ESCOBABY.

SADLY THE GUY WHO TOOK THISVIDEO WAS LATER KILLED BY A

FISHER PRICE CAR BOMB.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: SO ADORABLE.

MAYBE IT'S INAPPROPRIATE TODRESS A TODDLER AS A GENOCIDAL

DRUG LORD.

MAYBE THE COOLERS BACK THERE AREFULL OF HIS KINDERGARTEN TEACHER

KIDNEYS, WE DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THIS LITTLE FELLA IS THELEPRECHAUN WHO SELLS THE

IRISH THEIR TEENSY ALLOTMENT OFLEAGALIZED COCAINE.

COMEDIANS, AS THIS PINT-SIZEDKINGPIN, ISSUE AN ORDER TO YOUR

LITTLE CARTEL. SAMM LEVINE.

>> BRING ME THE MR. POTATO HEADSOF ALL OF MY ENEMIES.

>> POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: ALEX.

>> I WANT YOU TO STAB HIM IN THETHROAT WITH A TINY SHARPENED

STRAW.

I CALL THIS THE COLOMBIAN JUICEBOX.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GREG.

>> FIRST YOU GET THE MONEY, THENYOU GET THE POWER, THEN YOU GET

A LITTLE BAGGY FULL OF CHEERIOSBEFORE NAP TIME.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE#HASHTAGWARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: HEY Y'ALL, TOMORROW

NIGHT IS THEM CMA AWARDS,

WHERE COUNTRY MUSIC HANDS OUTPRESTIGIOUS AWARDS LIKE

ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR ANDBIGGEST HAT.

>> MOST WHITE PEOPLE IN A GROUP.

>> CHRIS: MOST WHITE PEOPLE INONE PLACE THAT'S NOT A RALLY.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: NOW A LOT OF OUR

AUDIENCE MAY NOT NECESSARILYWATCH THE CMAS BECAUSE

THEY CARE MORE ABOUT POD RACERSTHAN PICK-UP TRUCKS.

SO TO MERGE THE TWO WORLDS ATAD, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#NERDYCOUNTRYMUSIC.#NERDYCOUNTRYMUSIC.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: "A BOY NAMED

SULU," "SECOND LIFE IS AHIGHWAY," AND MY FAVORITE, THE

ALTERNATE EGO, DARTH BROOKS.

THAT'S WHAT I CALLED CHRISGAINES WHENEVER HE BECAME CHRIS

GAINES. I'M LIKE "DARTH BROOKS."

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

>> DOLLY PARTICLE ACCELERATOR.

CHRIS: POINTS.

>> I WALKED THE LINE FOR STARWARS TICKETS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. ALEX.

>> WALL-E NELSON.

CHRIS: POINTS.

>> LADY ANTIMATTER.

CHRIS: POINTS.

>> JESUS, TAKES THE JOYSTICK.

CHRIS: POINTS.

>> TAMMY WYNETFLIX

CHRIS: POINTS.

>> BUCK OWENS IN THE 25THCENTURY.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: I WOULD WATCH THAT,

POINTS.

SAMM.

>> ACHY FLAKY DANDRUFF.

CHRIS: POINTS.

SAMM.

>> ALWAYS ON MY MINECRAFT.

CHRIS: POINTS.

>> WYNONNA JUDD-OFELT PRINCIPLE.

>> CHRIS: YES, VERY SCIENCE-Y.

>> WHEN YOU GOOGLE IT YOU WILL[BEEP] YOURSELF.

SO FUNNY.

>> CHRIS: IT'S TIME TO PLAY

AMAZON BOOK FAIR: JOB FAIREDITION.

THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF LABORSAYS UNEMPLOYMENT IS DOWN AND

FOR THE SECOND STRAIGHT MONTH,JOB NUMBERS ARE THE BEST THEY'VE

BEEN IN SEVEN YEARS.

HEAR THAT, @MIDNIGHT VIEWERS?

BRUSH OFF THOSE CHEETOS CRUMBS,OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT,

"UNEMPLOYMENT DUST," AND GET AGODDAMN JOB.

SO COMEDIANS, IN HONOR OF THEFACT THAT AMERICANS ARE BACK TO

WORK, WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU ABUNCH OF VOCATIONAL BOOKS ABOUT

SOME OF OUR MOST TIME HONOREDPROFESSIONS.

FOR 250 POINTS GIVE ME A CHAPTERIN THE BOOK.

FIRST ONE: "TOP TEN MISTAKESPASTORS MAKE."

>> "KIDS SAY THE MOST SEDUCTIVETHINGS."

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ALEX.

>> CHAPTER 2: "YEAH, BUTT STUFFCOUNTS."

>> CHRIS: MR. PROOPS.

>> CHAPTER 7, WHY IT'S WRONG TOASK A YOUNG BOY TO BE ON YOUR

STAFF.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> THAT'S FROM THE BOOK OFBOOTY-RONOMY.

I GUESS THE CROWD WAS A LITTLETOUCHY ABOUT THAT ONE.

I GUESS BUTT STUFF IS REALLY[BEEP] TASTEFUL.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

"AN AMAZING JOURNEY INSIDE MYMOUTH.

JUST ME AND MY DENTIST."

ALEX BORSTEIN.

>> CHAPTER 5, BECAUSE YOUR WIFEWON'T GO ON THAT JOURNEY

ANYMORE.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE: "HOW TO BE ADOLL DETECTIVE: ELEMENTARY

CLUES TO SOLIVING THE MYSTERIESOF DOLLS."

LIVING DOLL SAMM LEVINE, WHAT'SYOUR ANSWER?

>> HOW TO LEAVE A NOTE FORWHEN YOU'RE EATEN BY YOUR CATS.

>> CHRIS: THEY WILL EAT YOU.

>> THEY WILL.

CHRIS: GREG PROOPS.

>> THIS IS FROM THE FOREWORD:

"THIS IS GONNA MAKE YOU SO SAD."

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> NOW THE MYSTERY IS SOLVED IDON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY

LIFE OR MY NIGHTS.

I'D LIKE TO TAKE AN AMAZINGJOURNEY.

>> I'M SORRY, WHERE?

>> INSIDE YOUR MOUTH.

>> CHRIS: OH! SOLD.

[ APPLAUSE ]MOVING ON, "THE POLE POSITION:

IS STRIPPING FOR YOU? AND HOW TOSTAY HEALTHY DOING IT."

>> CHAPTER 7 WHEN TO PUT DOWNTHE LITTLE CARPET.

>> CHRIS: ALEX.

>> CHAPTER 6: GETTING OUT OFJOHN MAYER'S TRUNK.

[LAUGHING]>> IT ALSO SAYS "LOOK INSIDE"

ABOVE THE BOOK.

THAT'S EXTRA.

BEFORE THE BREAK I ASKED YOU FORA LINE FROM THIS DASHING NUTELLA

STICK'S CAMPAIGN SPEECH. LET'SSEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

>> I'M GOING TO BUILD ACHOCOLATE WALL TO KEEP THE

PEANUT BUTTER OUT.

>> CHRIS: PERFECT.

ALEX.

>> EAT ME, MOTHER [BEEP]CHRIS: ALRIGHT.

SAMM LEVINE.

>> ASK NOT WHAT NUTELLA CAN DOFOR YOUR BANANAS,

ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO TO PRETENDYOU'RE NOT GETTING DIABETES.

ALRIGHT, TIME TO PLAY "RIDERS INTHE SKY."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]TMZ JUST OBTAINED THE RIDERS

FROM JAY Z AND KAYNE WEST'SCONTRACTS AND IT'S EXACTLY WHAT

YOU'D EXPECT FROM TWO GUYS WITHMESSIANIC COMPLEXES AND 40

JILLION DOLLARS.

FOR EXAMPLE, HOVA DEMANDS THREE$80 TUBEROSE-SCENTED CANDLES IN

ROOMS THAT ARE EXACTLY 71DEGREES, WHILE YEEZUS WILL ONLY

ALLOW CYLINDRICAL VASES ANDINSISTS THAT HOTEL STAFF TRACK

DOWN A SPECIFIC SPEAKER THAT WASDISCONTINUED 10 YEARS AGO.

CELEBRITIES ARE KNOWN FOR MAKINGCRAZY ASS DEMANDS IN THEIR

CONTRACTS, LIKE HOW MARIAH CAREYINSISTS THAT EVERY HOTEL PROVIDE

20 EXTINCT PASSENGER PIGEONS ANDEXECUTE ALL ALBINOS WITHIN A

10-MILE RADIUS.

IT'S REAL, GUYS.

LOOK IT UP.

SO, COMEDIANS I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU A CELEBRITY AND YOU GIVE ME

A RIDER FROM THEIR CONTRACT.

FIRST ONE, PARIS HILTON.

>> TINY LITTLE CUP TO GATHER HERANAL TEARS THAT SHE CAN DRINK

LIKE SAKE.>> CHRIS: SAMM.

>> A MOP FOR ALL THIS PUSSY.CHRIS: POINTS.

>> A DUDE THAT LOOKS LIKE ALADY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MILEY CYRUS.

>> A BUBBLE GUM CLIT RING.

CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

GORDON RAMSEY.

>> A BUBBLE GUM CLIT RING.

CHRIS: POINTS.

AND LASTLY, JADEN AND WILLOWSMITH, SAMM LEVINE.

>> A GIANT PLASTIC BUBBLE TOSHIELD THEM FROM REALTY.