Tuesday, April 7, 2015

  • 04/07/2015

Jessimae Peluso, Adam Ray and Andrew Santino learn about new Rand Paul campaign merchandise, #RuinADrink and list irrational fears that parents have about the Internet.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

ALL RIGHT.

I FEEL LIKE WE NEED TO ADDRESSTHIS AS WE GET INTO THE

PRESIDENTIAL SEASON, I WANT TOMAKE IT CLEAR THAT ALL OF OUR

JOKES WILL BE NONPARTISAN.

WE WILL BE TAKING SHOTS ATEVERYONE ACROSS THE BOARD,

REGARDLESS OF WHO GODS THERE AREAND WHAT CRAZY (BLEEP) THEY

BELEIVE, SO (BLEEP) THEM FORTRYING TO DO A THING.

AM I RIGHT?

EXACTLY.

SO WE WILL KEEP IT FAIR, ALLELECTION SEASON LONG, TO-WIT,

THIS ASS BAG. HEY, RAND PAUL! FRESHMAN SENATOR HOME PERM

AND HIS CONSTIPATED SMIRK ARERUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

ISN'T THAT ADORABLE?

JUST LIKE MOST PRESIDENTIALHOPEFULS HE STARTED FUND-RAISING

BY OPENING A CONSERVATIVE DADVERSION OF A QUIRKY BARISTA ETSY

STORE.

THIS IS ACTUALLY A TRUE SOSTORY.

WHICH IS AN ACTUAL PRODUCT FROMRAND PAUL'S PRESIDENTIAL STORE?

A, I STAND WITH RAND FLIP FLOPS.

B, DON'T DRONE ME, BRO, SHIRT.

C, RAND PAUL EYE CHART.

WHICH ONE OF THOSE IS REAL.

JESSIMAE PELUSO.

>> I'M GONNA SAY I STAND WITHRAND FLIP-FLOPS.

HE LOOKS LIKE AN ASSHOLE THATWEARS FLIP-FLOPS WITH SHORTS

AND SOCKS!

>> Chris: THE CAN CORRECT ANSWERIS ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE REAL.

THESE ARE ALL THINGS HE'SSELLING IN HIS STORE.

WHEN YOU ARE A POLITICIAN YOUWANT YOUR NAME IS ON FLIP FLOPS.

WASTED AWAY MARGARITAVILLE, VOTEFOR ME!

COMEDIANS WHAT ASK ANOTHER ITEMYOU WOULD EXPECT TO FIND IN

RAND PAUL'S PRESIDENTIAL STORE.

ADAM RAY.

>> GLOVES FOR SHAKING HANDS WITHPOOR PEOPLE.

SO HE CAN PUT THEM ON.

>> Chris: I DON'T WANT TO TOUCHTHEM.

ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

THE MANATEE IS A LARGE SEAMAMMAL KNOWN FOR ITS LOVE FOR

GETTING HIT WITH SPEEDBOATPROPELLERS.

WHY DO THEY KEEP GOING NEARTHEM, THEN?

VIA REDDIT, A TEENAGE GIRL WENTSWIMMING IN A PLACE LOUSY WITH

MANATEES AND THIS HAPPENED.

>> (SCREAMING) LOOK AT IT!

I'M GONNA TOUCH IT! OH MY GOD,IT'S HUGE!

>> Chris: OH MY GOD, IT'S HUGE!

IF I HAD A DIME FOR EVERYTIME I HEARD A GIRL SCREAM THAT

IN A LAGOON, I WOULD HAVE NODIMES.

SHE WAS VERY RIGHT TO SCREAMBECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS MANATEES

ARE CARNIVOROUS AND POISONOUS.

IT IS LIKE BEING AFRAID OF ACOW.

COMEDIANS I WOULD LIKE YOU TOPUT ON YOUR NATURE DOCUMENTARY

HATS AND NARRATE THE SCENE.PLEASE NOTE THE NATURE

DOCUMENTARY HAT IS A FIGURE OFSPEECH.

ADAM RAY.

>> AFTER THE TRAUMATICEXPERIENCE WITH THE MANATEE, OR

THE KARDASHIAN OF THE SEA --

>> Chris: GODDAMNIT.

>> THE YOUNG CO-ED WILL RETREATTO THE SHORE WHERE SHE WILL PASS

OUT IN A PILE OF VOMIT AND ZIMA.

>> Chris: POINTS. VERY LIKELY.

>> THAT WAS GOOD.

>> THAT'S WHAT SHE WOULD DO.

>> Chris: MR. SANTINO.

>> I FEEL LIKE WE ARE ALLSUPPOSED TO DO THAT STUPID

VOICE.

>> Chris: PLAY ALONG, GODDAMNIT.

>> I'M GONNA DO MY OTHER VOICE.

>> HOW LUCKY.

HERE WE SEE TWO ENDANGEREDSPECIES, THE WEST AFRICAN-US

MANATEE AND THE PIERCED BELLYBUTTON LAKE HAVASU.

>> Chris: GOOD, POINTS. WELLDONE. GOOD COMMITTMENT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I LIKE WHEN PEOPEL TRY. I LIKEWHEN THEY BRING THEIR A GAME.

LAST NIGHT DUKE NUKE EM, IMEAN DUKE WON THE NCAA NATIONAL

CHAMPIONSHIP, MAKING EVERYONEREAL UPSET THEY DIDN'T BET

$10,000 IN THEIR BRACKET.

BY EVERYONE I MEAN AMATEUR SUPERINDUSTRIAL LAN AND PROFESSIONAL

HEAD OF HAIR MITT ROMNEY.

IT SEEMS LIKE A LOT, BUT THISIS JUST THE AMOUNT OF MONEY HIS

ALLEGED UNDOCUMENTED HOUSE HELPFINDS IN ONE OF HIS LEATHER

COUCHES UPHOLSTERED WITH THESKIN OF FORGOTTEN RUNS AWAY.

BUT NOT EVERYONE WAS HAVING AMITT KIND OF NIGHT, THOUGH.

ONE WISCONSIN FAN WAS ALL LIKE--

THAT'S A SAD ADULT TELETUBBY.

COMEDIANS, BESIDES THE AGONY OFDEFEAT WHAT IS GOING THROUGH

THIS COLLEGIATE TELETUBBY'SHEAD.

ADAM RAY.

>> WHERE IS TINGE-IE WINKIE WITHMY [BLEEP]ING BEER?

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

HE HAD TO WALK HOME THAT WAY,"OH, MAN."

THAT WAS A SAD WALK OF SHAME.

>> WALK? DON'T THEY LIKE BOUNCEOR JIGGLE OR SOME (BLEEP).

>> Chris: HOW WOULD I KNOW? IAM A GROWN-UP.

(APPLAUSE)

THANKS FOR WATCHING EVERYBODY!

NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS!

>> Chris: JUST IN TIME FORNATIONAL BEER DAY, A KICK

STARTER LAUNCHED FOR THE BOOZIE,A BEER KOOZIE THAT YOU WEAR ON

YOUR BELT.

>> FOR JUST $10, YOU'LL RESCUEBEERS FROM THEIR ABUSERS.

>> THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO SAY, IWON'T SIT BY WHILE A BEER

SUFFERS.

>> Chris: A TRUE HERO.

(APPLAUSE)

I THINK THAT KIND OF RUINSDRINKING, SO THAT'S WHY

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#RUINADRINK.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE COCA-COLONOR SHIRLEY AND THE TEMPLE OF

DOOM, OR O'STOOLS.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THOSETASTE LIKE.

I AM GOING TO PUT 60-SECONDSON THE CLOCK AND BEGIN!

YES.

ANDREW.

>> SEX ON A PUBLIC BEACH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ADAM.

>> WHITE RUSSIAN UBER DRIVER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JESSIMAE.

>> SCOTCH ON THE (BLEEP).

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDREW.

>> COKE HEAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JESSIMAE.

>> MARTINI UP WITH A FIST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JESSE.

>> THAT TIME OF THE MONTH BLOODYMARY.

SORRY.

I AM SO SORRY.

>> BUT IT WORKS.

>> JUST LET IT FLOW THROUGH YOU.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDREW.

>> WHISKEY SOUR ATTITUDE BECAUSEDAD NEVER CAME HOME!

>> Chris: POINTS.

ADAM.

>> TAP THAT ASS WATER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SANTINO.

>> COME ON, JOHNNY WALKER TEXASRANGER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> Chris: GOOD ONE, JESSIMAE.

>> MOUNTAIN DO YOU KNOW WHO YOURREAL FATHER IS?

>> Chris: POINTS.

AND NOW TO PLAY RT WITH COMMENT.

RT WITH COMMENT.

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

I GOT MORE EXCITED ABOUT THISTHAN MOST PEOPLE.

THIS IS A FEATURE I WANTED FOR ALONG TIME.

TWITTER LAUNCHED A FEATURE THATALLOWS YOU TO EMBED AND COMMENT

RIGHT WHEN THEY HIT RETWEET.

SO YOU'RE NOT RETWEETING, YOUCAN RETWEET WITH A COMMENT.

I GET EXCITED ABOUT THE WEIRDESTTHINGS.

IT IS EASIER TO RESPONDSARCASTICALLY TO STRANGE AND

ANNOYING TWEETS.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SOME WEIRDOTWEETS, AND FOR 250 POINTS, I

I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME YOURREWTWEET COMMENT ALONG WITH

THAT TWEET.

FIRST ONE DOES ANYONE ELSE THETOP OF THE KEY LOOKS LIKE A

PENIS. #FINAL4#NCAACHAMPIONSHIP.

JESSIMAE.

>> EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A PENISWHEN YOU ARE SINGLE AND LONELY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> YEAH.

>> AH!

>> Chris: NEXT ONE ISDISTURBING MY MOM WROTE LAST

NIGHT BECAUSE SHE GOT A BUNCH OFNEW FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER.

OH, GOD -- MY VAGINA HURTS.GAVE BIRTH TO 200 MORE KIDS

OVERNIGHT.

HASHTAG LOVE MY TWEET.

NOW I KNOW HOW MY MOM FEELSWHEN I SAY HORRIBLE FILTHY

THINGS ON STAGE.

I FEEL REAL ICKY ABOUT IT.

BUT IF YOU RETWEET THAT IN ACOMMENT WHAT WOULD YOU WRITE?

>> THIS WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM IFYOU WERE OPEN TO MORE BUTT

STUFF.

>> Chris: IT IS MY MOM! STOP IT!

OH, POINTS.

ANDREW.

>>PLEASE HAVE ME BACK.

>> YOU SEE, MOM, AT NERDIST MOMKEEPS HER FOLLOWERS INSIDE OF

HER VAGINA.

>> Chris: NO.

THAT IS NOT WHAT SHE IS SAYING,ANDREW.

>> HASHTAG COME HOME TO DAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,TESTIFY! COMMENT! SUBSCRIBE!

>> Chris: THERE'S A LOT OF FILTHON THE INTERNET, FROM MY MOM'S

TWITTER FEED, TO BUSES FORBANGING, TO MILLIONS OF GIGS OF

EROTIC POKEMON FAN ART, WHICHYOU CAN PICK UP AT MY ETSY

STORE.

IN AN EFFORT TO OFFSET ALL THATSINFULNESS WE WANTED TO

HIGHLIGHT SOME GOOD OLD-TIMERELIGION ON THE INTERNET.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ONE OF GOD'SSERVANT'S PRECHEAING ON YOUTUBE,

AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU HAVE TOGUESS WHAT THE SERMON IS ABOUT.

DOES THIS BALDING MAN OF GOD ENDHIS SERMON BY DESTROYING A TV OR

HOPPING IN A DUNE BUGGY ANDTEARING ASS OUT THE BACK DOOR.

MR. SANTINO.

>> HE IS HOPPING IN A DO YOUUGGYAND TEARING ASS OUT THE BACK

DOOR, CHRIS.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINDOUT.

>> YOU TAKE THIS THING.

I HATE THAT THING.

I HATE THAT THING! I HATE THATTHING! I HATE THAT THING!

>> Chris: OH! OH!

>> AH!

>> Chris: THAT CRAZY VARMINT!

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FORPEDALING SEVENTH HEAVEN.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

IS THIS SHARP DRESSED SERVANTASCEND TO HEAVEN WITH THE HELP

OF WIRES OR KNOCKED PEOPLE DOWNWITH INVISIBILE FORCE POWERS.

ADAM.

>> OH MAN, FOR SURE KNOCK PEOPLEDOWN WITH AN INVISIBLE POWER

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WANT TODO.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT!

>> YOU WANT SOMETHING?

YOU WANT SOMETHING?

>> Chris: HE'S GOING CRAZY! HE'SGOING CRAZY! SOMEBODY STOP HIM!

>> IT IS LIKE OPRAH'S OPENING.

YOU GET A HEADACHE, YOU GET AHEADACHE.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, BEPARANOID, BE VERY PAIR PARANOID.

>> Chris: THERE ARE LOTS OFLEGIT THINGS TO BE AFRAID OF ON

THE INTERNET THEN THERE'S THESTUFF YOUR PARENTS ARE AFRAID

OF.

THE DAILY DOT POSTED STUFF YOURPARENTS ARE AFRAID OF ON THE

INTERNET, AND IT TURNS OUT IT'SNOT JUST WOLVES -- I MEAN, THERE

ARE WOLVES BUT THERE'S SOMEOTHER GOOFY [BLEEP] IN THERE.

FOR EXAMPLE, THERE ARECAMERASALL HOOKED UP TO THE INTERNET

AND THEY CAN MAKE IT LOOK LIKEYOU'RE DOING ANYTHING.

MY STEPDAD BELIEFS THAT WHENTHE LIGHT FLICKERS ON HIS

COMPUTER THAT MEANS YOU AREREADING HIS TILES.

SO COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVEME AS MANY IRRATIONAL PARENTIAL

FEARS ABOUT THE INTERNET AS YOUCAN IN 60 SECONDS.

AND BEGIN!

JESSIMAE.

>> IF YOU SIGN UP FORTWITTERYOU GET 200 BABIES OVERNIGHT.

>> Chris: THAT WAS MY MOM.

YEAH, POINTS.

ANDREW.

>> BE VERY CAREFUL HOWYOU SPELL HOTMAIL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANDREW.

>> EVERYTHING YOU DO GOES UP INTHE CLOUD SO REMEMBER GRANDMA

AND GRANDPA CAN SEE IT NOW.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ADAM.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE SHEILA POSTEDTHE SAME DILDO ON HER PINTEREST.

>> Chris: POINTS. JESSIMAE.

>> PUPPYFINDER.COM IS ALL SEXTRAFFICKING BE CAREFUL WHAT KIND

OF DOG YOU GO FOR.

>> Chris: POINTS. ADAM.

>> I'VE BEEN ON FACEBOOKFOR TWO WEEKS AND YOU STILL

HAVEN'T POKED ME YET, JEFFREY.