Jim Gaffigan: Beyond the Pale

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 04/01/2008

Jim Gaffigan details the experience of buying and eating a Hot Pocket, wonders about the origins of odd holiday traditions and shares tales from his life as a pale man.

IS FASCINATING, YOU KNOW.

ADAM AND EVE,

KICKED OUT OF PARADISE

FOR EATING AN APPLE.

AN APPLE?

WOULD YOU HAVE EVER BEEN TEMPTED

BY AN APPLE?

I WOULD'VE BEEN LIKE,

"UH, COVER IT IN CARAMEL

AND COME BACK TO ME."

"HEY, YOU GOT ANY CAKE

BACK THERE?

I LOVE CAKE."

JESUS, OF COURSE,

WAS A CARPENTER.

WE ALL KNOW THAT.

YOU THINK JESUS

WAS A GOOD CARPENTER?

'CAUSE THE BIBLE DOESN'T REALLY

ADDRESS IT.

I MEAN, WHO KNOWS?

BACK THEN,

PEOPLE COULD'VE BEEN,

"GOOD THING THAT MESSIAH THING

WORKED OUT.

YEAH, HE BUILT A SHED

FOR MY COUSIN.

WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP.

THE ENTIRE TIME, HE'S LIKE,

'I'M THE SON OF GOD.'

WELL, RIGHT NOW

YOU'RE BUILDING A SHED.

SO HOP TO IT, JESUS."

(whispers) "HE'S A FRAUD."

(normal voice)

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT

IF I WAS ELECTROCUTED RIGHT NOW?

(imitates electricity buzzing)

(breathy voice)

"HE DID A JESUS JOKE,

AND HE WAS ELECTROCUTED.

IT WAS THE BEST SHOW

I'VE EVER SEEN.

AND IT HELPED MY FAITH."

(normal voice) I THINK IT'S

FAS--I WOULD'VE LOVED

TO HAVE OVERHEARD

THAT CONVERSATION

WHERE MARY EXPLAINED TO JOSEPH

THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT,

AND JOSEPH WASN'T THE FATHER.

"JOSEPH?"

"YEAH?"

"YEAH, UM, UM... YOU KNOW HOW

WE'VE NEVER MADE LOVE?"

"YEAH?"

"YEAH, UM, ANYWAY, UH...

LAST NIGHT AN ANGEL VISITED ME.

AND NOW I'M PREGNANT."

"JESUS CHRIST!"

"OH, YOU ALREADY KNOW ABOUT IT."

>> Jim: IT WOULD'VE BEEN HARD

TO GET JESUS A PRESENT,

YOU KNOW, BACK THEN.

'CAUSE WHATEVER YOU GOT HIM

AS A PRESENT BACK THEN,

HE MUST'VE BEEN,

"OH, A PAIR OF SOCKS. THANKS.

YOU KNOW I'M DYING

FOR YOUR SINS, RIGHT?

YEAH, BUT THANKS FOR THE SOCKS!

YEAH, THEY'LL GO GREAT

WITH MY SANDALS.

WHAT AM I, GERMAN?"

>> Jim: (breathy voice)

"I'M OFFENDED

ON SO MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS.

WHAT IF MOSES WAS HERE?"

(normal voice) WE ALL KNOW

MOSES LED THE ISRAELITES

OUT OF EGYPT

AND THEY WANDERED IN THE DESERT

FOR 40 YEARS.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT AFTER A YEAR

I WOULD'VE BEEN,

"THIS MOSES DOESN'T KNOW

WHERE THE HELL HE'S GOING!

I APPRECIATE HIM GETTING US

OUT OF EGYPT,

BUT WE'RE IN THE DESERT, FOLKS.

AS IN, NO AGUA."

(breathy voice) "THEY WOULDN'T

SAY AGUA."

(normal voice) AND AFTER MOSES

PARTED THE RED SEA,

DID HE SAY ANYTHING?

WAS HE LIKE, "TA-DA!

HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES?

THAT'LL STOP

SOME OF YOUR BITCHING."

(breathy voice) "I DON'T KNOW

IF THAT'S

CHRONOLOGICALLY ACCURATE.

THIS GUY'S GOING TO HELL

IN TWO RELIGIONS.

HE'S PRACTICALLY SPRINTING

THERE."

(normal voice) DON'T WORRY.

CAKE CAN ACTUALLY

BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER--

IT'S BILL'S BIRTHDAY.

"I HATE THAT GUY."

THERE'S CAKE

IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM.

"WELL, I SHOULD SAY HELLO.

SEE HOW HE'S DOING."

I MEAN, ADMIT IT--

WHEN YOU HEAR THE SONG

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY,"

ALL YOU'RE THINKING IS,

HEY, I'M GETTIN' SOME FREE CAKE!

DURING THE SONG,

YOU'RE JUST WONDERING

WHAT KIND IT IS.

(tune of "Happy Birthday")

♪ HOPE IT'S CHOCOLATE FOR ME

>> Jim: WE'RE ALL BASHFUL,

THOUGH, WHEN WE'RE OFFERED

A PIECE, AREN'T WE?

WE'RE ALWAYS LIKE,

"WELL--

WELL, I GUESS I'LL TRY IT.

WHAT'S THIS CALLED? CAKE?

YEAH,

I'VE NEVER HAD CAKE BEFORE.

(grunts)

THERE'S SO MANY TYPES

OF CAKE, TOO.

THERE'S RUM CAKE,

WHICH MAKES SENSE, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE WE'VE ALL BEEN

EATING CAKE AND THOUGHT,

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS NEEDS?

BOOZE.

A SHOT OF LIQUOR.

I DON'T HAVE TIME

TO EAT AND DRINK.

I ONLY GOT TWO HANDS, BUDDY,

AND ONE OF THEM'S HOLDING

A CIGARETTE.

MEET ME HALFWAY, WILL YA?

THERE'S FUNNEL CAKE,

WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY

A GIANT FRENCH FRY

COVERED IN SUGAR.

THEY'RE SERVING THAT

AT THE IHOP NOW.

THAT'S A WEIRD NAME

FOR THAT PLACE.

I'VE NEVER LEFT THERE FEELING

LIKE HOPPING.

IT SHOULD BE CALLED

"I BARELY MOVED."

OR "I NEED A WHEELCHAIR."

"HEY, BUDDY, I LIKE THE IHOP.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THERE."

I THINK

THE MOST DISAPPOINTING CAKE

HAS TO BE FRUITCAKE, YOU KNOW.

YOU'D THINK

THAT WOULD BE BETTER.

IT DOESN'T ADD UP.

FRUIT--GOOD.

CAKE--GREAT.

FRUITCAKE--NASTY CRAP.

HAVE YOU TRIED FRUITCAKE?

I DON'T EVEN THINK

THAT'S FRUIT IN THERE.

YOU'RE LIKE...

WHAT IS THAT, A SKITTLE?

HMM, SOMEONE HAS A SEED HERE--

WHAT'S THIS, A TREASURE MAP?

A LITTLE SLOW TONIGHT.

I HAD A HOT POCKET FOR DINNER.

>> Audience: (cheering)

>> Jim: GOOD TO SEE I'M NOT

THE ONLY WHITE TRASH HERE.

I BUY THE HOT POCKETS.

I GO IN GROCERY STORES,

I'M LIKE,

"YEAH, I'LL GET THESE."

I'VE NEVER EATEN A HOT POCKET

AND THEN AFTERWARDS BEEN,

"I'M GLAD I ATE THAT."

I'M ALWAYS LIKE,

"I'M GONNA DIE!

I PAID FOR THAT?

DID I EAT IT

OR RUB IT ON MY FACE?

MY BACK HURTS.

OW."

I WAS LOOKING

AT A BOX OF HOT POCKETS.

THEY HAVE A WARNING PRINTED

ON THE SIDE.

IT'S LIKE, "WARNING--

YOU JUST BOUGHT HOT POCKETS.

HOPE YOU'RE DRUNK

OR HEADING HOME TO A TRAILER.

YOU HILLBILLY,

ENJOY THE NEXT NASCAR EVENT."

♪ HOT POCKET

>> Jim: "I LIKE NASCAR.

HE'S A JERK."

YOU NEVER REALLY SEE THAT

ON A MENU WHEN YOU GO OUT

TO DINNER, YOU KNOW.

"LET'S SEE,

I'LL HAVE THE CAESAR SALAD

AND THE HOT POCKET."

"UH, TONIGHT'S SPECIALS--

WE HAVE A SEA BASS,

WHICH IS BROILED,

AND WE HAVE A HOT POCKET,

WHICH IS COOKED

IN A DIRTY MICROWAVE.

AND THAT COMES WITH

A SIDE OF PEPTO."

"IS YOUR HOT POCKET

COLD IN THE MIDDLE?"

"IT'S FROZEN.

BUT IT CAN BE SERVED

BOILING LAVA HOT."

"WILL IT BURN MY MOUTH?"

"IT'LL DESTROY YOUR MOUTH.

EVERYTHING WILL TASTE

LIKE RUBBER FOR A MONTH."

"I'LL HAVE THE HOT POCKET."

♪ HOT POCKET

HOT POCKETS, YEAH.

THEY HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND

THAT LONG, LIKE, TEN YEARS.

HOW'D THEY COME UP WITH THAT?

WAS THERE SOME GUY

IN A MARKETING MEETING LIKE,

"HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.

HOW ABOUT WE FILL A POP-TART

WITH NASTY MEAT?

AND YOU COULD COOK IT

IN A SLEEVE THING.

YOU COULD DUNK IT

IN THE TOILET."

(whispers) HE'S WEIRD.

(normal voice) THERE IS

THE VEGETARIAN HOT POCKET,

FOR THOSE OF US THAT

DON'T WANT TO EAT MEAT

BUT STILL WOULD LIKE DIARRHEA.

♪ HOT POCKET

IT SHOULD JUST COME WITH

A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER.

♪ DIARRHEA POCKET

YOU EVER NOTICE

THERE'S NO DIGNIFIED WAY

TO BUY TOILET PAPER?

YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BUY IT

IN THAT MULTI-PACK,

LIKE, 18 ROLLS.

STICK IT IN YOUR CART--

EVERYONE IN THE STORE IS LIKE,

"DOES THAT GUY EVER LEAVE

THE BATHROOM?

WHAT, IS HE LIVING

OFF OF HOT POCKETS?"

♪ HOT POCKET

I LOVE OURHOLIDAY TRADITIONS

LIKE THE CHRISTMAS TREE,WHERE WE GO OUT

AND WE CHOP DOWN A TREEAND WE PUT IT

IN OUR LIVING ROOM.

KINDA SOUNDS LIKE THE BEHAVIOROF A DRUNK MAN, REALLY.

SOME WOMAN WAKES UP--"HONEY, WHY IS THERE A...

A PINE TREE IN--IN OUR LIVING ROOM?"

(slurring) "I LIKE IT.

WE'RE GONNA--WE'RE GONNA--WE'RE GONNA DECORATE IT...

FOR JESUS."

>> Jim: (slurring) "AND THENI'M GONNA HANG MY SOCKS

OVER THE FIREPLACE.

FILL 'EM WITH CANDY.

MAYBE I'LL TIE SOME LEAVESTO THE CEILING,

SEE IF I CAN GET SOME ACTION.

NOW I GOTTA PUKE ON THAT COUCH.

MERRY CHRISTMAS."

(normal voice) SOME PEOPLEGET SO INTO CHRISTMAS,

THEY DECORATE THEIR YARDS.

IT SEEMS COMPLETELY BACKWARDS.

"ALL RIGHT, CHOP DOWN THAT TREE,BRING IT IN HERE.

TAKE ALL THESE LIGHTS,PUT 'EM OUT THERE.

OH, I JUST GOTTA--I REALLY GOTTA GET A JOB."

(breathy voice)"HE'S ANTI-CHRISTMAS."

EASTER--THAT'S A WEIRD TRADITION.

"EASTER, THE DAY JESUS ROSEFROM THE DEAD.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?""HOW ABOUT EGGS?"

"OH, WELL, WHAT DOES THAT HAVETO DO WITH JESUS?"

"ALL RIGHT, WE'LL HIDE 'EM."

"I DON'T...

I DON'T FOLLOW YOUR LOGIC."

"DON'T WORRY, THERE'S A BUNNY."

RIDICULOUS.

I'LL TELL A LITTLE BIT

ABOUT MYSELF.

I'M KOREAN.

AND I COME FROM THE COUNTRY

OF KOREA.

AND I'VE BEEN HERE FOR--

HOW DO YOU SAY--

ONE DAY.

ACTUALLY, I WISH I WAS KOREAN,

'CAUSE THEN MY INTEREST

IN ASIAN WOMEN

WOULDN'T BE CONSIDERED

SO CREEPY.

"HMM, HE LOOKS LIKE

ONE OF THOSE GUYS.

HE LOOKS LIKE A MORMON.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH LOOKING LIKE

A MORMON?"

ACTUALLY,

I ONLY DATED ONE ASIAN GIRL,

BUT SHE WAS VERY ASIAN.

SHE WAS A PANDA.

AND...

"HEY, I LIKE PANDAS.

THEY'RE ENDANGERED, FELLA.

YOU AND YOUR GIRL SHIRT."

I'M NOT KOREAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL

BY LOOKING AT ME,

BUT, UH, BOTH MY PARENTS

WERE WHITE.

"I THINK ONE OF THEM

WAS A POLAR BEAR.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY

HE WENT OUT WITH A PANDA.

I DIDN'T KNOW

HE WAS GONNA BE DOING

BEAR JOKES.

HE'S DOING THE BIG SPECIAL,

AND HE'S DOING JOKES

ABOUT BEARS.

SEEMS WEIRD TO ME.

HE LOOKS LIKE

HE EATS A LOT OF CANDY.

HUH?"

I DO LOVE FOOD.

I EVEN ENJOY

WATCHING PEOPLE MAKE FOOD.

BUT YOU EVER NOTICE

THE FOOD NETWORK

IS FAR MORE INTERESTING

WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY?

WHEN YOU'RE FULL,

YOU'RE LIKE, "THIS IS STUPID."

BUT WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY,

THE FOOD NETWORK'S LIKE PORN.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, YEAH!

WHIP IT UP, BABY.

(whispers) BAKE IT FOR ME."

(normal voice) IT IS

A LITTLE EMBARRASSING

WHEN SOMEONE CATCHES YOU

WATCHING THE FOOD NETWORK.

"WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?"

UH, UM, THE FOOD NETWORK.

"SO WHY ARE YOUR PANTS OFF?"

I... I-I LIKE FOOD.

A LOT.

I DO LOVE FOOD.

I LIKE TO EAT

LATE AT NIGHT, TOO.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED

TO EAT LATE AT NIGHT.

THEN AGAIN, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED

TO DRINK BOOZE IN THE MORNING.

AND APPARENTLY,

YOU'RE NEVER SUPPOSED

TO SMOKE CRACK.

WHOA, WHATEVER!

I'M NOT TRAINING

FOR THE OLYMPICS!

SORRY, AFTER AN ENTIRE HOUR

OF WORK,

I WANNA UNWIND WITH

A BURGER AND A CRACK PIPE.

IF I DO THAT EVERY NIGHT,

DOES IT MAKE ME SOME CRACKHEAD?

"THIS GUY'S A CRACKHEAD.

THAT'S WHY HE'S SO PALE.

HE'S THE FATTEST CRACKHEAD

I'VE EVER SEEN."

I DO HAVE A WIFE. I GOT MARRIED.MY WIFE CHANGED HER NAME.

I KNOW SOME WOMENHAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT,

BUT I WANTED HER TO HAVEMY OLD GIRLFRIEND'S NAME.

SO CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED,BUT THIS FELLA DOES

WHAT THE BIBLE TELLS.

(breathy voice) "THE BIBLEDOESN'T SAY THAT AT ALL.

HE'S DUMB AS A ROCK."

(normal voice) I DON'T THINKMY WIFE'S PARENTS

LIKE ME, THOUGH.

'CAUSE APPARENTLY,WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE'S MOTHER,

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HUG HERAND GO, "OH, YEAH.

THIS FEELS RIGHT."

AND IF THEIR DAD IS SHORT,DON'T TRY AND PICK HIM UP.

"OH, YOU'RE LIKEA LITTLE BABY DADDY.

(singsong voice)IT'S A BABY DADDY.

WHEE!"

(breathy voice)"THIS GUY IS WEIRD."

WE'RE ALL A LITTLE WEIRD.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE LIKE TO THINKTHERE'S SOMEONE WEIRDER.

I'M SURE SOME OF YOUARE LOOKING AT ME, GOING,

"WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT AS WEIRDAS GAFFIGAN."

AND THEN I'M THINKING,"WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT AS WEIRD

AS THOSE PEOPLEIN THE LOONY BIN."

AND THEN THE PEOPLEIN THE LOONY BIN ARE GOING,

"WELL, AT LEAST I'M AN ORANGE."

(breathy voice) "HEY,I LIKE ORANGES."

THERE ARE SO MANYWEIRD SITUATIONS IN LIFE ANYWAY.

YOU EVER MIXTWO DIFFERENT GROUPS OF FRIENDS?

THAT CAN BE STRESSFUL.

YOU ALWAYS FEEL LIKE YOU HAVETO PREP 'EM.

YOU'RE LIKE,"HEY, YEAH, UM, UH, UH...

THESE PEOPLE OVER HERE,UH, THEY DON'T THINK I DRINK.

AND DON'T BE THROWNBY MY BRITISH ACCENT.

GET ALONG WITH THEM."

I LOVE HOW WE MEASURETHE DIFFICULTY OF EVERYTHING

VERSUS BRAIN SURGERY.

"HEY, IT AIN'T BRAIN SURGERY.

IT AIN'T BRAIN SURGERY."

WHAT DO BRAIN SURGEONS SAY?

"HEY, IT AIN'T LIKE...

WE'RE TRYING TO TALK TO WOMEN."

(breathy voice) "HEY,I'M A BRAIN SURGEON, BUDDY.

I DIDN'T APPRECIATE THAT.

HE MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE."

(normal voice) I DO WANTEVERYONE TO FEEL COMFORTABLE,

AND THAT'S WHYI'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT JESUS.

(breathy voice) "HE--HE BETTER NOT."

(normal voice) IT DOESN'T MATTERIF YOU'RE RELIGIOUS OR NOT.

DOES ANYTHING MAKE YOU FEELMORE UNCOMFORTABLE

THAN SOME STRANGER GOING,"I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT JESUS."

YEAH, I'D LIKE YOU NOT TO.

YOU COULD SAY THAT TO THE POPE--I WANNA TALK TO YOU ABOUT JESUS.

HE'D BE LIKE, "EASY, FREAK.

I KEEP WORK AT WORK."

I HAVE TO ADMIT,THAT WAS A GOOD IMPRESSION

OF THE POPE.

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