Tuesday, November 18, 2014

  • 11/18/2014

Keegan-Michael Key, Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel guess which esoteric Jaden and Willow Smith quotes are real, list #CatVideoGames and learn about unexpected young thugs.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS.

IF YOU READ ONLY ONE INTERVIEWOF TWO TEENAGERS PONDERING THE

ENERGY OF A HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESSFROM A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE

PACIFIC OCEAN, HOLY (BLEEP),MAKE IT THIS "NEW YORK TIMES"

PROFILE OF WILLOW AND JADENSMITH.

THEY JUST MAY BE FROM A PLANETTHAT IS NOT THIS ONE.

INTERVIEW STARTS SIMPLE ENOUGH:"WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN READING?"

WILLOW: QUANTUM PHYSICS.

OSHO.

JADEN: "THE ANCIENT SECRET OFTHE FLOWER OF LIFE" AND ANCIENT

TEXTS, THINGS THAT CAN'T BEPRE-DATED.

( LAUGHTER )HASHTAG PARENTS JUST DON'T

UNDERSTAND.

OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER.

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING IS ANOTHER REAL SMITH

KID QUOTE?

A.) WILLOW: I MEAN, TIME FOR ME,I CAN MAKE IT GO SLOW OR FAST,

HOWEVER I PLEASE, AND THAT'S HOWI KNOW IT DOESN'T EXIST.

B.) JADEN: IT'S PRANA ENERGYBECAUSE BABIES STILL BREATHE

THROUGH THEIR STOMACH.

THEY REMEMBER.

BABIES REMEMBER.

C.) WILLOW: THERE'RE NO NOVELSTHAT I LIKE TO READ SO I WRITE

MY OWN NOVELS, AND THEN I READTHEM AGAIN, AND IT'S THE BEST

THING.

>> CHRIS, I'M OBSESSED WITH THISARTICLE, AND I'M GOING TO SAY

ALL THREE ARE TRUE.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S TRUE!

ALL THREE ARE TRUE!

POINT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

SO, I MEAN, TEENAGERS AREANNOYING ENOUGH AS IT IS.

DON'T LET THEM BE RICH AND READPHILOSOPHY.

>> I WHIP MY HAIR BACK ANDFORTH!

I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH!

>> CHRIS: YOU CAN MAKE THAT GOFAST OR SLOW.

>> CHRIS: WE AT "@MIDNIGHT"THINK THEY'RE WORKING ON A

HIGHER PLANE THAT OUR US HUMANS.

TELL US HOW WOULD THEY ANSWERTHE FOLLOWING QUESTION, "WHAT'S

YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ICECREAM?

KEEGAN.

>> PIE, NOT AS IN PIE FLAVOR BUTAS IN 3.14.

>> CHRIS: POINTS, POINTS.

ROB.

ROB.

( LAUGHTER )>> CLEAR.

>> CHRIS: POINTS, POINT.

A FEW WEEKS AGO, FORMER BASEBALLSUPERSTAR AND CURRENT TWITTER

CRAZY-ENTHUSIAST JOSE CANSECOACCIDENTALLY SHOT OFF HIS OWN

(BLEEP) FINGER WITH HIS CUSTOMSCORPION-BEDAZZLED HANDGUN.

AND NOW HE'S PUTTING THE FINGERUP FOR SALE ON EBAY.

CLASSIC CANSECO!

HERE'S MY PROPOSAL TO YOU, JOSECANSECO.

GIVE AT MIDNIGHT THE FINGER!

ONLY FOR GOOD.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH JOSE JOSE

CANSECO'S MIDDLE FINGER.

>> I'D HANG IT OUT MY FLY.

>> CHRIS: WE'RE VERY SERIOUSABOUT THIS.

WE WANT THAT FINGER!

IF WE ALL ASK JOSE NICELY, MAYBEHE'LL GIVE IT TO US.

HIT UP @JOSECANSECO AND HIT UPHASHTAG GIPHY.COM.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

KOTAKU.COM TURNED US ONTO THISVIDEO OF A CAT SLOWLY BEING

DRIVEN INSANE IN THE MOSTADORABLE WAY POSSIBLE-- AS ITS

OWNER PLAYS THE VIDEO GAMEDESTINY.

WATCH.

( LAUGHTER )IT JUST GOES ON AND ON.

THIS LITTLE KITTY'S STRESSLEVELS ARE BEING PUSHED TO THEIR

ABSOLUTE LIMITS.

WE ENJOYED THIS VIDEO SO MUCHTHAT IT INSPIRED TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG WAR#CATVIDEOGAMES.

#CATVIDEOGAMES.

KOM-CAT, CATMAN: BARKHAM CITY,OR FINAL FANTASY FIV.

( LAUGHTER )I KNEW THAT WAS GOING TO BE

FUNNIER TO ME THAN MOST PEOPLE.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

ROB HEUBEL.

>> GRAND THEFT AUTO BITES KITTY?

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

KEEGAN.

>> SUPER MEOW-IO BROTHERS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> KITTY CRUSH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ROB HEUBEL.

>> DEAD ANGRY BIRDS?

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

PAUL SHEER.

>> GRAND THEFT CATO KITTY CITY.

>> CHRIS: OH, FINE.

POINTS.

>> YEAH!

>> CHRIS: KEEGAN.

>> HALO KITTY!

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

ROB.

>> CALL WHO DOODY IN MY LITTERBOX.

>> CHRIS: ROB AGAIN.

>> ASSASSIN'S CREED-- ALL DOGSMUST DIE.

>> ALLERGIC-- THE GATHERING.

POINTS.

POINTS.

PAUL SHEER.

>> A LIGHT MIST OF CAT URINE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY "SWEETEMOJI: HOLLYWOOD EDITION."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL

HOLLYWOOD OPTIONS THE EGGPLANTEMOJI INTO A C.G.I.-DRIVEN

SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER, LET'S BEATTHEM TO IT!

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A SERIES OFEMOJIS, AND FOR 250 POINTS, I

WANT YOU TO TRANSLATE IT INTO ABIG-TIME HOLLYWOOD MOVIE PITCH.

FIRST ONE: WHAT DO YOU GOTTHERE?

PAUL?

>> PICTURE THIS-- BABE AS A PIG.

FALLS IN LOVE WITH E.T.POSITIVETHE ALIEN.

BUT THEY DO IT IN FRONT OF THEWESTBOROUGH BAPTIST CHURCH AND

THEY SAY NO WAY.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )COULD BE ARE KEEGAN.

>> OKAY, THIS IS A FAMILYCOMEDY.

HONEY, DON'T HIDE THE ILLEGALALIENS.

SORRY JOHN HAMM.

>> CHRIS: GENIUS!

( APPLAUSE )POINTS FOR KEEGAN.

NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

( LAUGHTER )ALL RIGHT, NOW, LET'S BE VERY

CAREFUL WITH THIS ONE.

( LAUGHTER )ROB.

>> I'M JUST-- MOVIES ABOUT A GUYNAMED TINY TIM THAT NEEDS AN

ASIAN HANDJOB LIKE RIGHT NOW,RIGHT NOW.

NOW!

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )YES, PAUL.

>> CHRIS, I PICTURE IT AS ANACTION BLOCKBUSTER STARRING

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

HE ON THE RUN AS A MAGICIANHIDING OUT UNDER COVER AT A P.F.

CHANG DISPL POINTS!

CHANG.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JUST TO BE FAIR, THIS ISINFINITELY MORE ASIAN THAN A

P.F. CHANG.

( LAUGHTER )NEXT ONE.

OH, NO!

PAUL SHEER.

>> KEYBOARD CAT DOUBLE RAINBOWGUY REALIZED HIS 15 MINUTES OF

FAME WAS UP AND KILLED HIMSELF.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,"THUGS NOT HUGS."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )REDDIT'S "UNEXPECTED THUG LIFE"

IS THE INTERNET'S FOREMOSTDESTINATION FOR FINDING

GANGSTER-ASS THUG (BLEEP) IN THEPLACES YOU'D LEAST EXPECT IT.

UNEXPECTED THUGS CAN POP UPANYWHERE, ESPECIALLY IN SMALL

CHILDREN WHO DO NOT KNOW THATWHAT THEY'RE SAYING IS WILDLY

INAPPROPRIATE.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A PICTURE OFA CUTE LITTLE KID, AND FOR 250

POINTS, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME IFTHEY ARE GOING TO BE A

BE-DIAPERED BADASS -- THUG LIFE-- OR AN ADORABLE LITTLE REGULAR

ASS -- HUG LIFE.

FIRST ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS ADORABLE LITTLETYKE?

YEAH.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> SAY HELLO.

>> HELLO ( BLEEP ).

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: I MEAN, KIDS-- KIDSREALLY DO SAY THE DARNEDEST

THINGS.

>> THAT WAS SO CUTE, ARE WE SURETHAT WASN'T ONLINE?

>> CHRIS: I WANT TO PLAY THAT ONOR I'M LOSING MY BRAIN FOR THE

REST OF MY "UNEXPECTED THUGLIFE."

>> I WOULD ADOPT HIM LIKE THAT.

>> CHRIS: CAN WE PLAY THAT ONEMORE TIME.

>> SAY HELLO.

>> HELLO ( BLEEP ).

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS )>> CHRIS: WHERE COULD I FIND

THIS?

I NEED WATCH THIS EVERY DAY.

>> CHRIS: HOW ABOUT THIS 70sCHILD ACTOR.

PAUL?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY THUG"UNEXPECTED THUG LIFE."

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> I CAN'T TIE MY SHOES BUT ICAN ( BLEEP ) YOUR ( BLEEP ).

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> I LIKE THAT.

>> CHRIS: WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT AMINUTE, GUYS.

SOMETHING-- SOMETHING IS UP--SOMETHING HAS UPSET ROB.

>> I DON'T LIKE THAT, BECAUSE IFEEL LIKE HE'S TALKING TO ME.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: YOU KNOW, IT WAS-->> IT WAS BIG OF HIM TO ADMIT HE

COULDN'T TIE HIS SHOES.

>> BUT YOU KNOW WHAT,TRUTHFULLY, HE CANNOT ( BLEEP )

MY ( BLEEP ).

HE PHYSICALLY CANNOT ( BLEEP )MY ( BLEEP ).

>> YOUR ( BLEEP ) WORKS FOR THESHOE LACE FACTORY.

"INSANE KLANPOSSE."

YESTERDAY, ANONYMOUS, THEINTERNET'S FAVORITE VIGILANTE

ANTI-HEROES HIJACKED TWO OF THEKU KLUX KLAN'S MAIN TWITTE

PAGES.

( APPLAUSE )AND-- AND POSTED THIS ON THEIR

PAGE TODAY.

( LAUGHTER )THIS HAS CAUSED PANIC AT THE

A PANIC-- OR KLANIC-- AS IT WEREAT THE

KLAN'S I.T. DEPARTMENT, WHICHIS JUST 40-YEAR-OLD, ALCOHOLIC

DISABILITY COLLECTOR, CLEETSKIGGINS WHO OWNS THE ONLY

HOUSEBOAT IN BOOGER CREEK WITHELECTRICITY.

WE HERE ON "@MIDNIGHT" AREHOPING THEY CONTINUE TO HAVE FUN

(BLEEP) AROUND WITH THE KLAN'STWITTER. SO, COMEDIANS, LET'S

GIVE THEM SOME MORE IDEAS.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER THINGSANONYMOUS COULD POST TO RUIN THE

KLAN'S TWITTER PAGE?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, BLACK GUYS'DICKS ARE ACTUALLY PRETTY HUGE.

>> MY FAVORITE GHOSTBUSTER ISWINSTON.

>> Mary: YES, POINTS.

KEEGAN.

>> HOW ABOUT HASHTAG FOLLOWFRIDAY'S AT KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY.

>> IT'S OFFICIAL, THE NEW HITCOMEDY OF THE SEASON "BLACKISH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Mary: POINTS.

PAUL SHEER.

>> WHO IS COME TO SHABAAT,Y'ALL?

>> CHRIS: KEEGAN.

>> WE ARE SO FAITHFUL FOR COTTONBEGINS AND PEANUT BUTTER.

>> CHRIS: A FEW WEEKS AGO,FORMER BASEBALL SUPERSTAR AND

CURRENT TWITTER-CRAZY ENTHUSIASTJOSE CANSECO ACCIDENTALLY SHOT

OFF HIS OWN FUCKING FINGER WITHHIS CUSTOM SCORPION-BEDAZZLED

HANDGUN.

AND NOW HE WANTS TO PUT THATFINGER ON EBAY FOR SOME REASON.

CLASSIC CANSECO!

CLASSIC!

WE ALL KNOW THAT EBAY HASCERTAIN RULES AGAINST SELLING

BODY PARTS, I HOPE.

SO, I'M GUESSING IT MIGHT BETOUGH FOR HIM TO UNLOAD THE

DIGIT ONLINE.

SO HERE'S MY PROPOSAL TO YOU,JOSE CANSECO.

GIVE @MIDNIGHT THE FINGER!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE PROMISE TO USE IT ONLY FORGOOD!

ONLY FOR GOOD!

WAIT, YOU GUYS DON'T EVEN KNOW.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

WE ALREADY GOT ED ASNER'S EAR,WHICH IS PRETTY GREAT.

AND SOMETHING NICOLAS CAGECAUGHED UP IN THE MIDDLE OF AN

AYAHUASCA CEREMONY.

THEY SAY I'M NOT ALLOWED TO OPENTHIS, BUT THEY WERE TRYING IT

BACKSTAGE AND A FEW INTERNS JUSTLIKE, VAPORIZED.

THEY JUST TURNED INTO SKELETONS.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD YOU DOWITH JOSE CANSECO'S MIDDLE

FINGER.

KEEGAN.

>> I WOULD GET A FINGER MUSTACHETATTOO TATTOOED ON IT.

'CAUSE I'M A PUSSY AND I DON'TWANNA DO IT TO MYSELF.

IT'S FOR MY CAREEER.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, YEAH. POINTS.PERFECT.

>> I DON'T WANT TATTOOS ALL OVERMY BODY.

>> CHRIS: A PORTABLE FINGERMUSTACHE.

>> I'LL JUST USE JOSE'S.

>> CHRIS: POITNS.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> WELL, MY THOUGHT WAS A LITTLEBIT MORE, BIGGER.

I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, WHENWELSEY SNIPES ASKED FOR MORE

MONEY IN EXPENDABLES FOUR, YOUJUST REPLACE HIM WITH THE

FINGER.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, THAT'S IT.

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THE FINGERSTARRING IN MORE MOVIES. YEAH.

>> HIM AND DOLPH LUNDGRENTOGETHER -- WHOA!

THE CHEMISTRY.

>> CHRIS: SO GOOD, YEAH.

POINTS. ROB.

>> WHAT I WOULD DO IS, I'D HANGIT OUT MY FLY --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

-- AND, UH -- YOU KNOW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> SOLID, ROB. SOLID, ROB.

GOOD JOB.

POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CAN WE JUST -- >> GUYS, CAN WE SHOW --

>> CHRIS: LET ME JUST SAY, LETME JUST SAY I AM VERY GLAD I

WENT BEFORE PAUL SCHEER.

>> THIS SHOW JUST TURNED INTOCALIFORNICATION.

>> ALSO, MY MOM IS WATCHING.

>> CHRIS: SO SHE MUST BE SUPERTURNED ON RIGHT NOW.

-- BUT WE'RE VERY SERIOUS ABOUTTHIS.

WE WANT THAT FINGER!

SO, IF WE ALL ASK JOSE NICELY,MAYBE HE'LL GIVE IT TO US.

SO PLEASE, HIT UP @JOSECANSECOON TWITTER AND TELL HIM WHY HE

SHOULD HASHTAG#GIVEMIDNIGHTTHEFINGER.

GIVE US THE FINGER, JOSE.

I MEAN, HE SHOT IT OFF HIS HANDINTO OUR HEARTS.

SO I FEEL LIKE IT SHOULDRIGHTFULLY BE UP HERE.

>> CHRIS: AND NOW IT'S TIME TOPLAY SWEET EMOJI: HOLLYWOOD

EDITION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW --

IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME 'TILHOLLYWOOD OPTIONS THE EGGPLANT

EMOJI INTO A CGI-DRIVEN SUMMERBLOCKBUSTER.

LET'S BEAT 'EM TO IT!

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A SERIES OFEMOJI AND FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT

TO TRANSLATE THEM INTO ABIG-TIME HOLLYWOOD MOVIE PITCH.

ALL RIGHT.

FIRST ONE --

THIS ONE.

OH! THIS LOOKS LIKE THIS COULDBE -- SANTA LOOKS VERY EXCITED.

KEEGAN.

>> TIM ALLEN NEEDS A NEW BOAT SOHE SIGNS ON FOR SANTA CLAUSE 7

AND 8.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

YEAH.

>> AND, UH, THE TITLE WOULD BESOMETHING LIKE "THE SANTA CLASE:

HO, HO, HO, OH, FUCK IT."

>> CHRIS: YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

POINTS.

POINTS. PAUL.

>> I SEE IT VERY DIFFERENTLY.

THIS IS A INTENSE, INTENSEDRAMA.

SANTA CLAUSE PISSES OFF JACKFROST WHEN HE RE-GIFTS MRS.

CLAUSE'S WEDDING RING FOR MONEY.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

(CHEERS)

>> THAT'S SOLID. YEAH, I SEE IT.

IT'S GOTTA BE IN HERE. YOU GOTTAFEEL IT.

>> REVOLUATIONARY ROAD!

>> OH YEAH.

>> CHRIS: ROB.

>> IT'S NICE. IT'S NICE.

BUT I'M SEEING MORE OF A THE GAYMARRIAGE COMES TO THE NORTH

POLE.

CHA-CHING!

>> CHRIS: HA, HA. POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THAT'S THE WAY I SEE IT.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHERE'S THE CHA-CHING COMINGFROM?

>> THE MONEY BAG, YOU IDIOT.

>> YEAH, BUT I GET THAT. BUT WHYIS GAY MARRIAGE CUASING AN

INFLUX OF MONEY.

>> YOU DON'T GET PAID FOR BEINGGAY AND GETTING MARRIED.

>> OH, DON'T YOU!

>> WELL, WHEN HE SAYS IT THATIMPASSIONED, I CAN'T ARGUE IT.

>> CHRIS: WELL, THEY DISCOVER ANANCIENT RACE OF ICE GAYS

UNDERNEATH THE NORTH POLE.

>> NO SPOILERS FOR GAME OFTHRONES, PELASE.

>> CHRIS: OH, I'M SORRY. I'MSORRY.

>> IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A --THEY'RE NOT WHITE WALKERS,

THEY'RE WHITE SASHAYERS.

>> CHRIS: YEAH.