Blake Clark & Carrie Snow

  • Season 1, Ep 0124
  • 02/24/1992

Blake Clark shares stories of American stupidity, and Carrie Snow describes her overly ambitious garage sale.

TO HOST THIS SHOW, AND-- I JUSTSAW A JOHN LENNON T-SHIRT.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

IT'S A GREAT T-SHIRT

BUT IT'S DEPRESSING TO SITIN THE FRONT ROW WITH IT.

BUT... WHERE WAS I?

NO, I'M TEASING,IT'S A GREAT SHIRT.

I HAVE THE SAME PICTUREAT MY HOUSE.

GOOD NIGHT AGAIN-- SORRY.

BUT THE A LIS THEY TREAT MELIKE AN "A" COMEDIAN

LIKE EVERYBODY ELSEON THIS SHOW.

AND IN FACT THEY FLEW MEFROM NEW YORK ON A GIG

AND THEY FLEW ME... "GIG," BYTHE WAY, IN UTAH, MEANS "SHOW."

AND I LOVE UTAH,DON'T GET ME WRONG

BECAUSE "UTAH" SPELLEDBACKWARDS MEANS "HEBREW."

SO, IF YOU CHECK IT OUTIN A MIRROR.

THEY FLEW ME ON THIS PLANE,IT WAS ALL FIRST CLASS.

IT WAS THE MOST PSYCHOTIC THING.

THE DRINKING THAT WENT ON,IT WAS LIKE MARDI GRAS.

THE NOSE OF THE PLANE STARTEDTO DEVELOP RED VEINS.

( laughter )

BUT NOTHING COMPAREDTO LAST YEAR.

I DID A FILM IN EUROPE.

I HAD TO FLY 14 HOURS FROM L.A.TO ROME, AND I WAS, LIKE--

I'M SCARED TO FLY-- WHO ISN'T?

MOST PEOPLE ARE.

I HAD MY DOCTOR-- I DON'T TAKE--

AND KIDS, CONDOMS, NO DRUGS--

BUT I HAD TO GET A PRESCRIPTION.

MY DOCTOR ACTUALLYDRESSED ME UP LIKE A VALIUM

AND I ROLLED ON TO THE PLANE.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I COULD GETFROM L.A. TO ROME IN 14 HOURS.

IF I'M ON THE TOILET MORE THANTWO MINUTES, I TAKE DRAMAMINE.

THAT'S HOW NAUSEOUS I GET.

YOU GET TO EUROPE, LOVE EUROPE.

ITALY-- FORGET ABOUT IT.

IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THERE,GO TO EUROPE

AND GO TO ITALY.

IT'S SO ROMANTIC.

I WENT THERE WITH MYSELF,AND IT WAS SAD

BUT I TRIED TO GET AWAYFROM EVERYTHING.

I'M WALKING AROUND, AND VENICE,ITALY, MAN, IS LIKE, WOW!

AND SOME GUY TAPS MEON THE SHOULDER AND SAYS

"I'M OPENING UP A COMEDY CLUBNEXT TO THE VATICAN.

IT'S CALLED THE CHUCKLE CHAPEL."

I WENT, "OH, NO."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEN I GET TO VENICE.

FORGET ABOUT IT.

I COULDN'T EVENMAKE A PHONE CALL.

THEY HAVE, LIKE,SPECIAL COINS FOR THE PHONES

AND THEN I PUT THE COIN IN

AND THE OPERATOR SAID,"YOU HAVE TO ANSWER"--

IT WAS LIKE JEOPARDY--

"SEVERAL PASTATRIVIA QUESTIONS."

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

BUT THEN I FOUND SOME WOMANI FELL IN LOVE WITH.

WE WENT ON A GONDOLA,BUT I'M A SCHMUCK.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WASA FIRST-TIME GONDOLIER.

IS IT A GONDOLIER?

WHO'S THE GUY WHO DOES IT--THE GONDOLIER, RIGHT?

GOOD NIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, HE HADBUMPER TIRES AROUND THE GONDOLA.

HE DIDN'T USE OARS,JUST HIS HANDS.

IT TOOK ABOUT EIGHT DAYSTO GET AROUND THE ENTIRE...

HE DIDN'T EVEN SING LIKE...

HE SANG, LIKE,ARLO GUTHRIE TUNES.

THAT AMERICANS ARE ALL STUPIDAND ILLITERATE AND LAZY AND...

WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY READ IT.

( laughter )

I, UH...

I SAW IT ON TELEVISION.

I WAS LYING THERE--

I WAS LYING THERE ON THE COUCH.

( laughter )

WELL, I WOULDHAVE CHANGED THE CHANNEL

BUT I HAD TO GET UPAND WALK ALL THE WAY OVER.

MY REMOTE CONTROL IS BROKEN

AND I DON'T KNOWHOW TO FIX IT SO...

( laughter )

SEE NOW, I'M FROM GEORGIA

SO I'M USED TO THAT.

I'M USED TO BEING CALLED STUPID

ILLITERATE AND LAZYAND DUMB AND IGNORANT

BAREFOOT, COLLARD-GREEN-EATING,PICKUP-TRUCK-DRIVING HILLBILLIES

WHO DATE OUR COUSINS.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY.

WELL, I NEVER DATED MY COUSIN.

SLEPT WITH HER...

( laughter )

BUT I...

I NEVER TOOK HER ANYWHERE.

I'M JUST KIDDING, MA'AM.

LOOK AT YOU.

( laughter )

IF I HAD DONE SOMETHINGTHAT DISGUSTING

WITH A MEMBEROF MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY

YOU THINK I WOULDTALK ABOUT IT ON TELEVISION?

DAMN RIGHT I WOULD!

BUT I DIDN'T.

AND I TRAVEL ALL OVERTHIS GREAT U.S. OF A. OF OURS.

AND I DON'T WANTTO OFFEND ANYBODY OUT THERE

BUT THE MORE THAT I TRAVEL THEMORE THAT I FIND THAT, WELL...

THE JAPANESE ACCUSATION ISN'TTOTALLY GROUNDLESS, FOLKS, OKAY?

( laughter )

STUPIDITY IS ALIVEAND WELL IN AMERICA.

INDEED, IT'S ACTUALLYFLOURISHING IN SOME PLACES.

( laughter )

I DON'T THINKIT'S NECESSARILY CONFINED

TO ANY GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION.

I DON'T THINK THE SOUTH HAS THEMARKET CORNERED ON STUPIDITY.

THEY MAY HAVE REFINED ITTO AN ART FORM

BUT IT'S...IT'S ALIVE EVERYWHERE.

HERE'S AN EXAMPLE.

AS I SAID, I TRAVEL A LOT.

I WAS FLYING--I WAS GOING TO THE AIRPORT

HERE IN LOS ANGELES--LOS ANGELES, L.A.X.

I HAVE MY BAG.

I GO UP TO THE FRONTOF THE LINE.

I PUT MY BAG THERE.

I GIVE THE WOMAN BEHINDTHE COUNTER MY TICKET.

I'M GOING ONE PLACE--FROM LOS ANGELES TO DALLAS

ONE PLACE, NO STOPS IN BETWEEN,ONE PLACE-- DALLAS.

SHE LOOKS AT MY TICKET,SHE GOES, "DO YOU WANT YOUR BAG

CHECKED ALL THE WAY THROUGHTO YOUR FINAL DESTINATION?"

( laughter )

"KINDA."

( laughter )

"SEE, I TOOK EVERYTHINGI THOUGHT I MIGHT NEED

"FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKSAND I PUT IT IN THAT BAG.

"I'VE JUST FOUND THAT'S A LOTEASIER THAN COMING BACK HERE

EVERY TIME I NEEDTO CHANGE CLOTHES."

THEN THEY ASK YOU THIS.

THEY ASKED ME, WHEN I WAS MAKINGMY SEAT SELECTION--

THEY ASKED ME IF I'D BE WILLINGTO SIT ON THE EMERGENCY AISLE

AND OPEN THE EMERGENCY EXITIN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY.

( laughter )

I SAID, "WELL, DO I GETA DISCOUNT OR SOMETHING?

"YOU TELL ME WHEN I CAN GO,HOW LONG I CAN STAY

"WHEN I CAN COME BACK,I'D BETTER NOT CHANGE MY MIND

"I'D BETTER MAKE MY RESERVATIONS30 DAYS PRIOR TO LEAVING

"AND NOW I GOT TO WORKFOR THE AIRLINE?

WHAT, I GOT TO CLEAN THE PLANEWHEN I GET THERE?"

( laughter )

GEEZ, THE HEIGHTOF IMPERTINENCE.

AND THEN THEY SAYYOU HAVE TO BE ABLE

TO SPEAK AND UNDERSTAND ENGLISH

TO ASSIST OTHERSIN EXITING THE AIRCRAFT--

"ASSIST OTHERS" BEING THEOPERATIVE PHRASE HERE, FOLKS.

LIKE I'M GOING TO STAND THERE,CALMLY, BY AN EMERGENCY EXIT

IN A BURNING INFERNO,GOING, "THANK YOU, BYE-BYE.

THANK YOU, BYE-BYE."

I DON'T THINK SO.

( laughter and applause )

I DON'T THINK SO.

THEY EXPLAIN TO YOUON AN AIRPLANE

HOW A SEAT BELT WORKS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,THIS IS AMERICA.

THIS IS 1992.

IF YOU DON'T KNOWHOW A SEAT BELT WORKS BY NOW

YOU DON'T DESERVETO SURVIVE THE CRASH.

WE DON'T NEED YOU.

IT'S TIME TO THINTHE HERD, FOLKS.

( wild cheering and applause )

THIS USED TO BETAKEN CARE OF NATURALLY.

THE STUPID MEMBERSOF THE HERD WERE PUSHED

TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE HERD,AND THE PREDATORS TOOK THEM

THEREBY ENSURINGTHAT THE GENES AND CHROMOSOMES

OF THE INTELLIGENT ONESWOULD BE PASSED ON TO POSTERITY.

IN OTHER WORDS, THE HERBIVORESARE OUT THERE GOING

"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU ALL EATING?"

( laughter )

"WHERE'D EVERYBODY GO?

"WHERE'D EVERYBODY...

WHAT THE HELL'S THATWITH ALL THEM TEETH?"

( laughter )

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT

AN OVERLY COMPLICATED MECHANISMHERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A SEAT BELT.

THERE ARE TWO PIECES;THEY INTERLOCK.

( laughter )

IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT.

THEY DEMONSTRATE IT!

THEY HOLD IT OVER THEIR HEAD--

"YOU INSERT THE METAL ENDIN THE BUCKLE."

THE GUY NEXT TO ME WENT, "ICAN'T GET IT UP OVER MY HEAD."

( laughter and applause )

PUSH HIM TO THE EDGEOF THE HERD.

( laughter )

HE SHOULD BE OUT THEREON THE EDGE OF THE HERD.

( laughter )

YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE DANQUAYLE'S OUT THERE, CAMPAIGNING:

"HI...

WHERE'D EVERYBODY GO?"

( laughter )

THEY DON'T WANT TO;IT'S A FEDERAL REGULATION.

THE SAME FEDERAL GOVERNMENTTHAT MAKES IT MANDATORY

TO EXPLAIN SEAT BELTS TO PEOPLE

WILL NOT ENACT ANY SORTOF GUN CONTROL LEGISLATION.

THEY DON'T TRUST USWITH SEAT BELTS

BUT HANDGUNS, THAT'SA WHOLE 'NOTHER THING.

( laughter )

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME SOMEBODYWENT INTO A CAFETERIA IN TEXAS

WITH A SEAT BELTAND KILLED 23 PEOPLE, HUH?

( laughter )

I KNOW WHAT PEOPLE SAY.

"HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

"SECOND AMENDMENTOF THE CONSTITUTION

"OF THE UNITED STATES:

'EVERY AMERICAN HAS THE RIGHTTO KEEP AND BEAR ARMS.'"

IT IS, I LOOKED IT UP.

FIRST AMENDMENT,OF COURSE, IS THE...

FREEDOM OF SPEECH--THANK YOU VERY MUCH--

WHICH MAKES SENSE,IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

THE FIRST AMENDMENT'SFREEDOM OF SPEECH

THE SECOND AMENDMENT'S THE RIGHTTO KEEP AND BEAR ARMS.

HEY, YOU GOT A GUN, YOU CAN SAYWHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT.

PEOPLE WILL EVEN PRETENDTO BE INTERESTED.

HERE'S THE THING:IT WAS WRITTEN 202 YEARS AGO

WHEN THERE WERE THREE MILLIONAMERICANS, NOT 285 MILLION.

I DON'T THINK OURFOUNDING FATHERS HAD ANY IDEA

HOW THIN THE GENE POOLWOULD BE STRETCHED, FOLKS.

I THINK IF OUR FOUNDING FATHERSCOULD COME BACK NOW

AND SEE THE PEOPLE WALKINGAROUND ARMED ON THIS CONTINENT

THEY'D GO, "I DON'T THINKWE NEED THAT NUMBER TWO.

NOT EVERYBODYSHOULD HAVE A GUN."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE... THISSHOW HAS NOT EVEN AIRED YET;

AND SHE HAD THIS LIKE...( calling eerily )

SHE PICKS IT UP ON, LIKE, THIS TWILIGHT ZONE SATELLITE DISH.

BUT I DID A FILM LAST YEARWITH SEAN YOUNG

AND I GOT TO TELL YOU

SHE GETS THE WORST PRESS--OR SHE DID--

I DON'T THINK SHE HADA PUBLICIST A COUPLE MONTHS AGO

BUT IF IT WAS, IT WAS LIKE

"GOOD MORNING,HITLER, HITLER AND HITLER."

I MEAN, I HEARD RUMORS, MAN.

BEFORE I DID THIS MOVIEI WAS SO SCARED

THAT IN A HOTEL SHE WOULD PUT

AN "I AM DISTURBED" SIGNOUTSIDE HER DOOR.

( laughter )

I READ IT, MAN.

I READ ALL THE TABLOIDCRAP, YOU KNOW

THAT SHE HAD A FISTFIGHTAND WON AGAINST BIGFOOT.

I SAID, "OH, MAN."

AND THAT ONE OF HER EX-LOVERS,ONE OF THE STARS IN HER MOVIES

JILTED HER, AND SHE ACTUALLYRENTED A STAMPEDE OF CATTLE

TO RUN THROUGH HIS SUITEWHILE HE WAS ASLEEP, YOU KNOW?

BUT I DON'T--YOU KNOW, I DON'T--

ACTUALLY, TO ME IT WAS ALL B.S.,BECAUSE SHE WAS GREAT.

SHE BOUGHT ME A PRESENT.

AFTER THIS FILM WE DID,SHE BOUGHT ME A COMPUTER

WHICH WAS QUITE A HEFTY GIFT.

GRANTED, ONE BUTTON,BLOOD POURED OUT OF IT

BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALL,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?