Zhivago Blea, Cleto Rodriguez & Edwin San Juan

  • Season 1, Ep 105
  • 11/03/2011

Zhivago Blea's look is more about weed than Jesus, Cleto Rodriguez learned a lot in his first year of marriage, and Edwin San Juan hams it up at the DMV.

I was... I was very surprised,you guys, because it was just...

it was, uh, very eye-opening.

You know, you seethe movies and the...

People are different.

Like, when I got to the airport,Sebastian, you, uh...

you walked overto the baggage claim,

and the first thing you said:"Hey, how you doing, mate?"

And I was like, "All right,they really say that. Cool."

They really say "mate," 'causeI thought maybe, you know,

it was just a movie or two.No, they really say "mate,"

so I'm like,"All right, got it, cool."

He was super nice.See, uh, we landed in Australia.

It was about 5:00in the morning.

And he takes us, uh,to this restaurant.

You know, have breakfast.

And I'm like... right away,I like him, you know?

"You hungry?""Dude."

"I know where to go, mate.""Let's go."

(imitates car engine purring)

So we go to this place.

We're sitting down,

and, uh, I started noticingcertain differences.

The server walks overto the table,

and he looks at me,and he's like,

"What are you having?"

And I'm looking at the menu,and I'm like,

"You know, I'm not really sure.

Can I just get a coffeefor right now?"

And he goes, "Okay.One long black."

(laughter)

And then I looked at Sebastian.

I'm like, "Where the helldid you bring me?"

And the server's like,"Is there a problem?"

I go, "I'm sorry.You'll have to forgive me."

I go, "I'm from America.

"Uh, here, apparently,you call 'long black' coffee.

Uh, in America,that means something else."

What's up, Arizona? Yes. Nice.

(cheering and applause)

I'm excited to be here.

Ladies, don't hate,but these highlights-- natural.

Hey.

Shoot, man. I get a lot of,you know, "You look like Jesus.

When did Jesusstart doing comedy?"

No.

I got no special powers.

I can turn water into pee.That's it.

This isn't just a look;it's a lifestyle.

I like weed.

I got in trouble a lotwith that stuff, man.

I was 13 when I gotmy first felony.

Yeah, my mom was pissed.

She was like, "Why, mijo? Why?

Even the fat kid got away."

Kept messing aroundand everything, you know.

Got a couple more felonies.

My uncle was all happy.

"Strike one, mijo. All right."

Ended up in prisonfor a little while, you know,

but I did get my GED in prison,which is a good thing.

(cheering)Thank you. Thank you.

an eating disorder

just 'cause the other dayI got the ex-lax

and started complaining'cause they didn't have almonds.

Is that bad?

She had me join a fitness gym

'cause I was one nacho awayfrom being a mariachi.

And, uh...

But we did--my wife and I just celebrated

our 11-year wedding anniversary.

We're very excited. Thank you.

Praise God.

(cheering and applause)

You learn a lotabout your spouse

in the first year of marriage.

Like, I found outI cannot take my wife

to a weddingthat was better than ours.

Oh, man, we went to thisreal nice, fancy wedding.

They had stuff like food.

the, uh...the-the driving situation--

the steering wheelis on the opposite side,

and you drive on the oppositeside of the street.

I was totally cool with that,but they have certain things

over there that, uh, again, whenyou drive, a little different.

They have this thingcalled a hook turn,

which basically, you driveall the way to the left side

of the intersection,go all the way up to the corner,

and you wait.

Meanwhile,there are cars turning

from almost every direction.

And then there's a train

that goes down the centerof the street.

Yeah. Even the GPS is like...

(beep)"Good luck."

(laughter and applause)

I'll tell you right now--there's no Disneyland

in Australia,but they got a hook turn

that will get your heart goingthe same way, you know.

Also, too, Milan right here--he is, uh...

And I'm gonna get youthis weekend, bro.

Milan right here is the kingof partying it up. This guy--

every time I'd seehim hanging out,

he was alwaysdouble-fisted.

Always double-fisted, you know?

(applause and cheering)

I'll tell you, Milan.

I brought your Australian assover here,

and you're gonna double-fist

with some Mexicansthis weekend, bro.

(applause and cheering)

And you're gonna find outwe're exactly alike.

You know?

Difference is, is over therewhen you order alcohol--

again, certain differences.

Uh, I'm sitting at the bar,

and there's people therethat were at my show.

And, uh, one guy walks up to me,and he's... he's like, "Hey.

You here to drink?"I go, "Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna drink.""Uh, what are you drinking?"

"I don't know.I don't care, man.

I'm-I just...I'm gonna get drunk."

And he goes,"Ah! You're gonna get pissed."

I go, "Why?They don't have Patrón?"

(laughter)

He goes, "No, pissed--drunk, pissed."

"Oh! Okay. I'm sorry.

When you 'pissed' in America,it means you're upset."

And he goes,"Oh, we say 'pissed off.'"

I go,"Oh, we say the same thing,

but sometimes we shorten it."

You know?

So we wait a couple minutes,and here comes the bartender,

and he looks at me, right?

And he goes,"Hey, what are you having?"

And I look back, and I'm like,"Okay, here we go.

"Um, um... uh, something strong.

"I want real... something strong

"that's going to take medown to the floor.

Alcohol. Something strong."

And he looks at me,

and he says, "Ah, you wantto drink some piss."

(laughter)

And I looked backat the guy, right?

And he's looking at me like...

I'm like... I just can't say it.I can't say it.

"Uh, I'll have a long black.

Yeah."

(cheering and applause)

Freaking long black.

And then also, in Australia,

the traveling over thereis so much more fun.

When we fly here, uh,anybody who's, you know,

been to the airport,you know how challenging it is.

They are so relaxedin Australia.

To travel... we travelfrom Sydney to Melbourne,

and, uh, you know,we go to the airport.

Going through the airport was,oh, my God, like that.

Here... we flewfrom L.A. to here.

This is what happened, right?

"Take off your shoes.Take off your belt.

"Take everything outof your pockets.

"Take off your hat.Take off your jacket.

"You got a sweater?Take that off, too.

"You wearing glasses?Put 'em on.

"You know, pull 'em and...and put 'em on the tray.

You got a watch? Take that off."

And then you walk throughand, you know...

(imitates beeping)

(grunts)

In Australia, I swear to you,

they didn't even havea huge tray.

It looked likea little lunch box tray, okay?

It's this big. And I'm like,

"What the hell? What are yougoing to put in that?"

So I started taking offmy shoes, and the...

you know, the-the...the security looks at me.

"Hey, what are you doing, mate?"

I go, "I'm...I'm taking off my shoes."

"Ah, America."

I go, "Yeah."

"Leave 'em on.""All right, cool."

I started reaching for my...

"Ah, leave it on.""All right."

I started pull...trying to pull stuff...

"Hey, just come on."

"Are you serious?""Come on."

I walked through-- no lie...

(imitates beeping)

He says this: "Ah, it's broken."

I'm starting to get gray hair.

You can't really tell, though,'cause I shave my balls.

You can't tell, huh?

This question's for the guys.

Any guys here ever take a Viagraand the girl doesn't show up?

It sucks, huh?

You got to go homeand waste it on your wife.

(laughs)

Whew, I'm glad you guys laughed,

'cause I get tangleson that one.

Kind of sucks,you know what I mean?

I'm trying to mad dog fools.

"I swear to God, that vatobetter not come over here, eh.

"Check my car again;I know I got a scrunchie.

Ow, ow, ow."

It sucks.

You can't look tough like this.

I pay 50 bucks for my shampoo,you know what I mean?

'Cause I want to look pretty.

But it sucks,you know what I mean?

It's like, I want to hitmy pipe or something,

I got to...

That's not macho.

I'm on top of my lady, and Iwant to kiss her, I got to...

How sexy is that, you know?

"Bitch, you should'vebrought a scrunchie."

The worst one iswhen I'm at the taco truck,

and the paisansare checking me out,

you know, the Mexican brothers,whatever you want to call them.

And I'm sitting there,eating my taco--

I forgot my scrunchie again,you know?

I'm like... (chewing noisily)

"Hey, that one's pretty, holmes.

Está bonita, guey."

(chewing noisily)

"Which one?

The one with the mustache?"

(chewing noisily)

"No, guey, no...

"Yeah, she's pretty.

She looks likeJennifer Aniston."

in the first year of marriage.

Like, I found outI cannot take my wife

to a weddingthat was better than ours.

Oh, man, we went to thisreal nice, fancy wedding.

They had stuff like food.

All... all I said in the cargoing home was,

"Man, that wasa good wedding, right?"

She went off.She was like...

(shuddering exhale)

"Did you see?

"They had real invitations.

Not flyers."

"Did you see?

They had a real ice sculpture,not a piñata."

"Did you see?!

They had real doves,not chickens."

I was like,"Yeah, well, did you see?

"They had real money.

Not hot checks, so talkto your family about that one."

Married my wife with two boys,my stepsons.

I love them-- now.

And, um...

But the young one...the youngest one made me feel

so good the other dayfor like 12 seconds.

'Cause he came up to me--he goes, "Hey, Cleto.

Do you think it's okayif I call you Dad?"

And I was like...

(voice shaking):"I'd love you to call me Dad.

I've been waitingfor you to call me Dad."

(mock crying)

He goes, "Good,'cause I keep accidentally

"calling my dad Cleto,and he's getting really mad.

You don't have to clap.

(laughter)

(scattered applause)

Every time I tell peopleI'm Filipino, the first thing

they'd say,"Oh, Filipinos eat dogs."

Okay, look, I only haveone thing to say about that.

It's not bad.

(laughter)

You know, today there was aFilipino in front of Taco Bell

all pissed off, you know.

"What do you mean I can'torder that Chihuahua?

"That's on the menu.

"That's a false advertisement.

I want two Chihuahua tacoswith sour cream."

I had to go to DMV recentlyand renew my driver's license.

So I had to takethe written test over.

I had to take the picture.

I tried to do the picture,I tried to do the face.

The lady got mad.

"We have to retake the photo."

I was like,"Oh, I can't keep that one?

"This is not Disneyland."

Then I thought about itfor a second.

You know, I could havetook that picture.

I could have pulled it off,

you know, if I justwould have committed,

like, from the very beginning.

You know what I mean?

Like, if I would've walkedinto DMV like...

(laughter)

"Hello, I'm herefor the driver's license.

Take the number?Okay, thank you."

You know what I mean?

Just committed the whole time,you know.

"'B' as in Bolkswagen.

'F' as in Priday."

What the hell is Priday?

That's how Filipinos talk--

when we speak English, we mixthe the "Ps" and the "Fs."

Right, have you heardthat bepore?

(laughter)

See, that sounds pamiliar.

We all do it-- Latinos,Mexicans speak English--

you guys mix the "Ys"and the "Js," right?

Jou know what I mean?

Jes, jou do.

And don't get mad, Latinos.Latinos make fun of Asians

all the time, right?

"Crazy chino.

"Learn how to drive, estupid.

Estupid."

"Learn how to talk pirst,motherpucker."

(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

And if you're Latino and you'remad right now, don't be mad.

Latinos can't get mad.

If Asians make fun of you,you guys can't get mad.

'Cause I heard all that stuffgrowing up, right.

You guys have songsto make fun of Asians, right?

♪ Chino, chino, japonéscome caca no me des. ♪

(cheering and applause)

It's a racist song, right?

And your mamataught you that song.

That song's so racist.

Little girls jump ropeto that song.

♪ Chino, chino, japonéscome caca no me des ♪

♪ Chino, chino...

All right, let me explain.'Cause some of the white people

are like, "What the hellis he saying?"

I can see it in your faces.It's hilarious.

"Chino, chino" means"Chinese, Chinese."

"Japonés" means "Japanese."

"Come caca" means "eat caca,"right?

"No me des"-- "none for me."

All right, that's messed up.

"Eat caca, none for me."

And it's only for Asians.

(laughing with stereotypicalAsian accent)

All right, Latinos?

You guys have a song like thatfor Black people?

Huh? No. Right, there's no "Chocolate africano.

Come caca, use your mano."

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