Lizards vs. Penguins

  • Season 3, Ep 6
  • 02/17/2015

PubLIZity plans a gala for the Illuminati, Fabrice Fabrice hosts a game show called "Crab Cab," and a group of cyber terrorists plans its next attack.

WITH YOUR HOST,FABRICE FABRICE.

- MY NAME IS FABRICE FABRICE,THE BEAST FROM THE EAST.

THE NAME SO NICE,YOU HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW THATALREADY, AS YOU HAVE INDEED

CALLED MY SERVICE.

I'M HERE TO SERVICE YOU,TOP TO BOTTOM.

- MAYBE WE COULD JUST GET YOUTO DRIVE TO THE BASEBALL GAME?

- ALL RIGHT, SO THAT'S THELOCATION WHERE YOU'RE GOING NOW.

I'LL TELL YOUWHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT

AND MORE POPULARTHAN BASEBALL

ON THE INTERNET RIGHT NOWIS PORNO.

I KNOW SOME GIRLS THAT WILL DOAWFUL THINGS TO YOU.

YOU CAN TREAT THEIR ASSESLIKE GARBAGE CANS.

IS THAT INTERESTING TO YOU BOYS?- NO, THANK YOU.

- OKAY. WELL, I DON'T KNOWIF YOU KNOW THIS,

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING SPECIALWAITING IN THAT COOLER FOR YOU.

SO WHY DON'T YOU OPENTHAT COOLER UP.

OPEN IT UP. WHAT'S IN THERE?- THERE'S A CRAB.

- OH, LOOK AT THAT!Y'ALL ARE ON CRAB CAB!

- WHAT THE HELL?- NOW, IF YOU ANSWER

THIS QUESTION CORRECTLY,THIS CRAB COULD BE YOURS.

- I DON'T WANT THE CRAB.- WHY DID YOU DO THIS?

- OKAY, HERE'S THE QUESTION...

- POPCORN.- TOOTSIE ROLLS.

- YOU'RE BOTH RIGHT!- THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

- HIS FAVORITE THING WAS CANDY!

AND THAT MEANS THAT YOUWIN THE CRAB!

GET THAT CRAB OUT MY CAB!

- ♪ I'LL BE BRINGIN'SOMETHING SPECIAL ♪

[energetic music]

- TOMMY ROTHCHILD,AKA BASICALLY PRINCE CHARMING,

HAS HIRED US TO THROW A PARTYFOR THE ILLUMINATI.

STEP ONE--DO SOME RESEARCH.

- THE TOPOF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT,

A CHILD'S DRAWINGOF A WITCH'S HAT,

A CAT'S MOUTH...

WHAT DO THESETHINGS HAVE IN COMMON?

ALL YOU HAVE TO DOIS CONNECT THE DOTS.

- OH, MY GOD,THIS IS INTERESTING.

- THIS SEEMS,LIKE, EDUCATIONAL.

THIS VIDEO IS, LIKE,SO CONFUSING.

- THE LIZARDS ARE AT THE TOP

OF ALLOF THE MAJOR CORPORATIONS,

GOVERNMENT AGENCIES,AND HIT MUSIC GROUPS

ON THE PLANET TODAY.

- BELIEVE IT OR NOT,I WAS SHOCKED

TO HEAR THAT IT'S LIZARDSTHAT RUN THE WORLD.

THIS IS, LIKE, SO SPOOKY,

BUT, LIKE,I'VE ALWAYS, LIKE, SUSPECTED

THAT THERE'S, LIKE,SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT ME.

DID YOU SEE THAT?- YOU FLICKED YOUR TONGUE OUT?

REAL SUBTLE, LIZ.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT GAME PLANYOU'RE GOING WITH.

HONESTLY, LIKE, AS YOU KNOW,

I GO TO, LIKE, A VERY EXPENSIVEDERMATOLOGIST...

- YEAH, WE ALL KNOW.- BECAUSE I HAD TO TREAT

MY, LIKE, SCALY SKIN,

WHICH IS, LIKE,A NUMBER-ONE SKIN PROBLEM

THAT, LIKE, MOST LIZARDS HAVE.

- RIGHT, WELL, LIKE,I FEEL LIKE

IF YOU WERE, LIKE,A LIZARD QUEEN,

LIKE, YOU WOULDN'T,LIKE, LITERALLY

HAVE PIECES OF YOUR SKINFALLING OFF.

LIKE, OBVIOUSLY,I'M A LIZARD.

THAT'S WHY MY NAME IS LIZ.

IT'S BASED ON MY NAME--LIZARD.

- EVERY SINGLE INVITATIONTO THIS EVENT HAS BEEN DECLINED.

- WHAT? LET ME TAKEA LOOK AT THIS.

ARE YOU JOKING ME?HOLD ON.

[gasps]BARACK OBAMA SAID NO?

LADY GAGA SAID NO?

ORPAH WINFREY SAID NO?

OH, MY GOD!MACKLEMORE SAID NO!

- I'M A LIZARD QUEEN.- IT'S IRONING

- WHEN I SET OUTTO MAKE THIS VIDEO,

I HAD A LOT OF IDEAS.

AND I STILL DO!

YOU SEE, THE WORLD IS BROKEN UP

INTO A NUMBER OF DIFFERENTPATTERNS AND HIERARCHIES.

AND YOU MIGHT WONDER WHY.

- WE BELIEVE THAT THE WORLD

IS CONTROLLED BY THE MOSTPOWERFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

I MEAN, THAT'S ALMOSTTHE TAUTOLOGY.

- YEAH. AND THOSE PEOPLEARE ALL LIZARDS.

- WELL, WE DON'T BELIEVETHEY'RE LITERALLY LIZARDS,

BUT IF YOU WANT TO IMAGINETHE CONCEPT OF GREED

AS REPTILIAN,THEN I WOULD AGREE WITH YOU.

- WELL, IF THEY'RE NOT LIZARDS,THEN WHO'S RIGHT HERE?

- WELL, THAT'S A CARTOONOF A...

LIZARD ASSUMING A HUMAN'S POSE.- EXACTLY.

AND WHO DO YOU THINK DREW IT?

- ACTUALLY, IT LOOKS LIKE MOREOF A 3-D MODEL.

- OR IS IT THE CONTROLOF THE LIZARD OVERLORDS,

THE REPTILIAN SPECIESTHAT RUNS THE TOP ECHELONS

OF THE GOVERNMENT?- NO.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

THERE'S NOT ANOTHER SPECIESOF CREATURE

THAT'S IN CHARGEOF THE, UM, GOVERNMENT.

THAT'S A FANTASY.

PEOPLE DEVELOPED THOSE FANTASIESSO THAT THEY FEEL

THAT SOMEONE'S IN CONTROL.

ACTUALLY CONFRONTING THE CHAOSOF THE UNIVERSE

IS TOO FRIGHTENINGFOR SOME PEOPLE,

SO THEY HAVE TO COME UPWITH ELABORATE THEORIES

THAT EXPLAIN SOMEONEBEING IN CONTROL

IN THE FACE OF A DEAD GOD.- SO MUCH--SO MUCH--

SO MANY INTERESTING THINGSTO GET TO.

- IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT MOREABOUT MY RADICAL POLITICS

AND OUR ORGANIZATION,

OPEN YOUR TOR BROWSER

AND GO TO REALISTS.ONION.

HERE'S THE DETAILS.

THE ILLUMINATI GALA IS TONIGHTAT THE HOTEL TELHO.

- OH, I DIDN'T KNOWTHAT'S WHEN THE PARTY WAS.

DID YOU SAY "TONIGHT"?- YEAH.

- NO. NO, I CAN'T DO TONIGHT.- I DON'T--

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN TONIGHT.

- STEPHANIEHAS ANOTHER SHOW TONIGHT,

AND EVEN THOUGHI VIDEOTAPED HER LAST SHOW,

I GOT TO DO IT TONIGHT,

'CAUSE SHE SAYSTHAT I GOT HER AT A BAD ANGLE.

- FOR ME, ENTERTAINMENTIS HOOKING FISH HOOKS

TO A HUMAN BODY THATHAS BEEN TAKEN OF ITS LIFE

AND THEN TREATING ITLIKE A PUPPET.

- LOOK, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU'RE GOINGABOVE AND BEYOND LIKE THIS

FOR A WOMAN WHO DOESN'TEVEN SAY SHE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

- THANK YOU.

- OH, I CAN'T WIN.I CAN'T WIN.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M WITH HER,SHE'S GIVING ME GRIEF

ABOUT SPENDING ALL MY TIMEFOCUSING ON YOU GUYS.

AND WHEN I'M WITH HER,YOU GUYS ARE GIVING ME GRIEF.

IT'S JUST LIKE WHO AM I DATING,

AND WHO AM I, YOU KNOW,DOING TERRORISM WITH?

I DON'T--I DON'T--

[sighs]- OKAY, WELL, I'M GOING

TO GET OUT OF HERE.

I LIKE TO HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT.I'M A CANNIBAL.

I LIKE TO CONSUME HUMAN FLESH.

AND I WILL DO ITAROUND THE WORLD

UNTIL SOMEONECHOOSES TO LISTEN TO ME.

- SO WHO'S IT GONNA BE--THE THREE OF US?

- HARDLY A CREW.IT'S A PLUS-ONE PLUS-ONE.

- I HOPE THEY HAVESOME GOOD APPETIZERS.

- CRAB CAB WAS A PITCHTHAT I WAS VERY INVESTED IN