Tuesday, February 11, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01022
  • 02/11/2014

Nikki Glaser, Nate Bargatze and Dan Soder make video games sexier, watch product reviews on YouTube and check on the medical status of Pierre the Pelican.

>> IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

>> IT WAS A DELIGHTFUL WEEK FORVIDEO GAME NEWS.

NOT ONLY DID THE CREATOR OFFLAPPY BIRD PULL THE GAME, BUT

X-BOX 1 WAS DELAYED, AND THE NEWFINAL FANTASY GAME OF RELEASED

RIGHT IN TIME FOR VALENTINE'SDAY.

SO FOR NO GOOD REASON, OTHERTHAN THE FACT I HAVE THE BRAIN

OF A 15-YEAR-OLD TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS #SEXYVIDEOGAMES.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

>> IT'S SOMETHING.

>> IT'S LIKE YOU NEED HELP FROMA NURSE.

>> EXAMPLES OF #SEXYVIDEOGAMESWOULD BE FAPY BIRD.

OR CALL OF BOOTY 2:30 A.M.

OR BIOSHOCKER.

>> THOSE WERE ALL MINE.

I'M OUT.

>> I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDSON CLOCK.

DAN.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH MARIOBROTHERS THREE-WAY.

>> YES POINT.

>> SONIC HEDGE HUG.

>> POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> DUCK ( BLEEP ).

LAYOFF LAUGH( APPLAUSE )

>> I'LL GIVE YOU POINT FOR THAT.

>> HE'LL NEVER CALL OF DUTY.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> DONKEY DONG.

>> YES, POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> MORTAL COMBAT.

>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

NOW, THAT'S A DAMN GOOD ONE.

>> YOU'RE SO DRENCHED YOU DIE.

>> I'M SORRY!

>> I'LL GIVE POINTS TO DAN FORTHE FOLLOW-UP ON THAT AND FOR

NIKKI, TOO.

>> GOLDEN EYE-- THE REVENGE OF RKELLY.

>> POINTS.

>> WOW!

>> HALO RED LIGHT DISTRICT.

>> YES.

>> DAN.

>> CRASH BANDICUDDLE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, LADIES?

HE TOOK A REAL CHANCE BY TAKINGIT SWEET LIKE THAT SO I'M GOING

TO GIVE HIM POINTS.

>> WELL, I LIKE TO CUDDLE, SOTHAT'S WHY.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "FLORIDA MAN."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )@FLORIDAMAN IS OUR FAVORITE

TWITTER FEED THAT COLLECTS REALNEWS STORIES THAT COULD ONLY

COME OUT OF THE UNBELIEVABLEFREAK-SCAPE THAT IS FLORIDA.

I KNOW, I LIVED THERE AS AKID.

WE'LL GIVE YOU THE BEGINNING OFA FLORIDA MAN TWEET, YOU TRY TO

FILL IN THE BIZARRE BLANK.

IF IT'S FUNNY, YOU GET 250POINTS.

FLORIDA MAN BURNS DOWNAPARTMENT COMPLEX AFTER

MANAGER ASKS HIM TO BLANK.

>> BURN DOWN APARTMENT COMPLEX?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE ).

>> I'M ALREADY GOING TO GIVE YOUPOINT RIGHT NOW, NO MATTER WHAT.

ALTHOUGH THE CORRECT ANSWER WASSTOP MASTURBATING IN WINDOW!

>> OH!

FLORIDA MAN RESCUED AFTER BLANK.

>> FAMILY REALIZED HE LIVED INFLORIDA.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS DRIVINGNAKED INTO LAKE.

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS, DANSODER.

>> MINE WAS FLORIDA MAN RESCUEDAFTER GETTING LOST IN A BOOK.

>> OH, THAT'S GOOD!

>> BECAUSE THEY DON'T READ.

>> YES!

>> AT ALL.

THEY'RE STUPID.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> NEXT ONE, FLORIDA MAN FIGHTSCOPS WHILE ALSO TRYING TO BLANK.

NIKKI.

>> FINISH SERMON.

( LAUGHTER )>> THAT'S GOOD.

>> I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW CLOSE YOUWERE, PERFORM EXORICISM ON SON

AFTER METH MAKES HIM ABNORMALLYSTRONG.

UPON FURTHER REVIEW.

I, LIKE MOST ONLINE CONSUMERSWILL NOT BUY ANYTHING WITHOUT

CHECKING THE ONLINE REVIEWFIRST.

BUYERS BEWARE, ANYONE CAN POST AREVIEW ON YOUTUBE.

SOME MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T TRUSTSO MUCH.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE STATE OF MINDOF THE PERSON WHO WROTE THE

REVIEW.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A CLIPFROM A YOUTUBE PRODUCT REVIEW

AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU TELL MEWHAT'S BEING REVIEWED.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THISYOUNG MOTHER'S REVIEW.

>> HEY, GUYS, IT'S US AGAIN.

>> SHE'S 27 AGAIN.

>> THIS IS THE ONE HOUR SHE GETSHER KID?

( APPLAUSE )>> I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU 100

POINTS FOR, THAT NATE, BECAUSETHAT WAS DELIGHTFUL.

>> I NEED MORE THAN THAT.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> IS SHE REVIEWING KNIVES OREDIBLE UNDERWEAR?

I DON'T SAY THIS VERY OFTEN, BUTPLEASE BE KNIVES.

>> WE NEED IT TO BE KNIVES.

IT'S GOT TO BE EDIBLE UNDERWEAR.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH!

>>... AMAZON FOR-- I PAID $85AND THEN SHIPPING--

>> WAIT, YOU'RE TELLING ME AWOMAN LIKE THAT DOESN'T BELIEVE

IN CONTRACEPTION?

>> I THINK CHILD PROTECTIVESERVICES GOT FIRST ON THE VIDEO.

WHAT ABOUT THIS BEAUTIFUL LADY?

>> I'M GOING TO DO A PRODUCTREVIEW.

>> ABOUT TO GIVE A-->> IS SHE REVIEWING--

( APPLAUSE )>> IT'S AN A, OR B, I DON'T

KNOW.

THE WHOLE SYSTEM'S BROKE.

WHY DID YOU PUT ON ZEBRA SHEETS?

>> I'LL GIVE YOU 100 POINT FORTHAT DAN.

WELL DONE.

IS SHE REVIEWING LAXATIVES ORWART-REMOVING BAND AIDS?

DAN?

>> IT'S A TOUGH ONE.

BUT LADY WITH A CLASSY SETUPLIKE THAT, WE'RE GOING

WART-REMOVING BAND AIDS.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> THE LAXATIVE CALLED...

SUPPOSITORIES, AND IT LOOKS LIKETHIS.

>> WHAT IF SHE WAS LIKE, "I'MUSING IT RIGHT NOW."

YOU HAVE TO GO TO, LIKE, ANOTHERWEB SITE TO SEE HOW IT WORKS?

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT THIS PEPPYYOUNG LASS?

>> HEY, EVERYONE.

>> THAT'S THAT LITTLE GIRL THATGREW UP FROM THE OTHER VIDEO.

>> 100 POINT FOR NATE BARGATZE.

IS SHE REVIEWING KITTY LITTERER"STAR WARS?"

NATE.

>> ALL RIGHT, I MEAN I THINKIT'S KITTY LITTER BECAUSE SHE--

I'M NOT GOOD AT THIS GAME.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> ANYWAY, SO THAT WAS ME ON"STAR WARS."

>> OF COURSE!

>> KITTY LITTER?

WAIT.

>> "STAR WARS" KITTY LITTER?

>> SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND GEORGELUCUS' VISION?

>> NO.

>> IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

>> IS THIS LIKE AN OUTTAKE OF"HORDERS?"

( LAUGHTER ).

>> THERE'S A BUNCH OF STUFF BACKTHERE.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE A SUBMISSIONTAPE FOR HORDERS.

>> IT TOTALLY DOES.

>> SHE'S STILL IN HER WEDDINGDRESS.

THE NEW ORLEANS PELICANSANNOUNCED THAT THEIR HORRIFYING

MASCOT, PIERRE, WILL GO UNDERTHE KNIFE AFTER SUFFERING A

A BROKEN BEAK.

EARLIER TODAY THE NEW ORLEANSPELICANS TWEETED OUT THIS

PICTURE SHOWING PIERRE ISRECOVERING.

THEY CAN'T NOT MAKE HIMHORRIFYING NO MATTER WHAT THEY

DO!

"HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'SVALENTINE'S DAY.

HERE'S AN ACTUAL HUMAN HEART.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY GOING?

DON'T TAKE MY FACE!"( LAUGHTER )

I ASKED YOU GUYS TO WRITEPIERRE'S FINAL WORDS BEFORE THE

ANESTHESIA KICKED IN.

DAN SODER.

>> THE SURGERY BRINGS ME ONESTEP CLOSER TO BEING A CAST

MEMBER ON "REAL HOUSE WIVES OFNEW ORLEANS."

THEY HAVE WEIRD FACES.

>> YOU SWEAR I'M NOT GOING TOLOOK LIKE A DUCK?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> WELL DONE.

NIKKI GLASER?

>> I MADE THIS DECISION AIRFARELONG CONVERSATION WITH JENNIFER

ANISTON.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY THE CROWDWAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT THAT

ONE.

>> IT'S HER BIRTHDAY TODAY, TOO.

>> THAT'S NICE.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JENNIFER!

DELETED FACEBOOK STATUSES.

OR STATI? I TOOK LATIN FOR FOURYEARS IN HIGH SCHOOL

>> GOOD-BYE VAGINA.

OR VAGINAE.

WE LEARNED FACEBOOK RECORDS THESTATUSES AND COMMENTS YOU BEGIN

TO WRITE BUT DELETE BEFOREPOSTING.

I WANT YOU GUYS TO WRITE DOWN ASMANY STATUSES BETTER LEFT

DELETED FROM THE FACE OF THEEARTH.

I WILL GIVE YOU 250 POINTS IFTHE AUDIENCE LAUGHS.

DAN.

>> SHIA LEBEOUF'S MOVIE LOOKSGREAT AND ORIGINAL.

>> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE WOODYALLEN MOVIE?

>> POINTS.

NATE.

>> MY SOCIAL IS 408-5.

>> NIKKI.

>> I'M IN THE "@MIDNIGHT"DRESSING ROOM.

I HAVEN'T BEEN SEXUALLY HARASSEDYET.

HOLD ON, CHRIS IS HERE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'M EXCITED.

>> I GIVE NOTHING BUT NONCREEPYHUGS.

POINT.

DAN?

>> THIS WHOLE ZIMMERMAN THINGSEEMS LIKE IT'S SELF-DEFENSE.

>> YOU WOULD DELETE THAT.

NIKKI.

>> KEVIN AND I JUST HAD OURFIRST BABY, SHE'S EIGHT MONTHS

EARLY.

( LAUGHTER )>> OH, YEAH!

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

>> POINTS.

AND I'M SCARRED.

OH, MY GOD.

NATE.

>> MY DAUGHTER'S SOC IS 513-3.

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