Tuesday, February 11, 2014

  • 02/11/2014

Nikki Glaser, Nate Bargatze and Dan Soder make video games sexier, watch product reviews on YouTube and check on the medical status of Pierre the Pelican.

TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

IT WAS A DELIGHTFUL BIG FUN WEEK

FOR VIDEO GAME NEWS.

NOT ONLY DID THE CREATOR OF

FLAPPY BIRD PULL THE GAME, BUT

X-BOX ONE'S FIRST MAJOR UPDATE

WAS DELAYED, AND THE NEW FINAL

FANTASY GAME WAS RELEASED RIGHT

IN TIME FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

SO FOR NO GOOD REASON, OTHER

THAN THE FACT I HAVE THE BRAIN

OF A 15-YEAR-OLD, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #SEXYVIDEOGAMES

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

IS THIS SEXY?

>> IT'S SOMETHING.

>> IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU NEED

HELP FROM A NURSE.

>> Chris: SO EXAMPLES OF

#SEXYVIDEOGAMES WOULD BE FAPPY

BIRD, OR CALL OF BOOTY 2:30 A.M.

OR BIOSHOCKER.

>> THOSE WERE ALL MINE.

I'M OUT.

>> OKAY, I'M GOING TO PUT 60

SECONDS ON THE CLOCK STARTING

NOW, AND GO.

DAN.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH MARIO

BROTHERS THREE-WAY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

NATE?

>> SONIC HEDGE HUG.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

NIKKI?

>> DUCK (BLEEP).

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

NATE?

>> HE'LL NEVER CALL OF DUTY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

DAN?

>> DONKEY DONG.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS!

I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU, SURE.

NIKKI?

>> MORTAL (BLEEP)BATH.

>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

NOW, THAT'S A DAMN GOOD ONE.

>> YOU'RE SO DRENCHED YOU DIE.

>> FINISH IT!

I'M SORRY!

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE POINTS TO

DAN FOR THE FOLLOW-UP ON THAT,

AND POINTS TO NIKKI, TOO, YES.

NIKKI?

>> GOLDEN EYE-- THE REVENGE OF

R. KELLY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> WOW!

>> Chris: NATE?

>> HALO RED LIGHT DISTRICT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

DAN?

>> CRASH BANDICUDDLE.

>> Chris: YEAH.

>> HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, LADIES?

HE TOOK A REAL CHANCE BY TAKING

IT SWEET LIKE THAT, SO I'M GOING

TO GIVE HIM POINTS.

>> WELL, I LIKE TO CUDDLE, SO

THAT'S MY...

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, THAT IS THE

IT'S TIME TO PLAY FLORIDA-MAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

@FLORIDAMAN IS ONE OF OUR

FAVORITE TWITTER FEEDS BECAUSE

IT COLLECTS REAL NEWS STORIES

THAT COULD ONLY COME OUT OF THE

UNBELIEVABLE FREAKSCAPE THAT IS

FLORIDA.

I KNOW-- I LIVED THERE AS A KID.

WE'LL GIVE YOU THE BEGINNING OF

A FLORIDA MAN TWEET, AND YOU TRY

TO FILL IN THE BIZARRE BLANK,

ALL RIGHT?

IF IT'S FUNNY, YOU GET 250

POINTS.

LET US BEGIN.

NATE?

>> BURN DOWN APARTMENT COMPLEX?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I'M ALREADY GOING TO

GIVE YOU POINTS RIGHT NOW, NO

MATTER WHAT.

ALTHOUGH THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS

STOP MASTURBATING IN WINDOW.

NEXT ONE.

DAN?

>> FAMILY REALIZED HE LIVED IN

FLORIDA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS

DRIVING NAKED INTO LAKE.

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS, DAN

SODER.

>> MINE WAS FLORIDA MAN RESCUED

AFTER GETTING LOST IN A BOOK.

>> OH, THAT'S GOOD.

>> BECAUSE THEY DON'T READ.

>> Chris: YES!

>> AT ALL.

THEY'RE STUPID.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> GUYS...

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

NIKKI?

>> FINISH SERMON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT'S GOOD.

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU

POINTS.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW CLOSE YOU

WERE-- PERFORM EXORCISM ON SON

AFTER METH MAKES HIM ABNORMALLY

STRONG.

>> THAT WAS CRAZY CLOSE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

UPON FURTHER REVIEW.

I, LIKE MOST ONLINE CONSUMERS,

WILL NOT BUY ANYTHING WITHOUT

CHECKING THE ONLINE REVIEW

FIRST.

BUT BUYERS BEWARE-- ANYONE CAN

POST A REVIEW ON YOUTUBE.

AND SOME MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T

TRUST SO MUCH.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE STATE OF MIND

OF THE PERSON WHO WROTE THE

REVIEW.

SO I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A CLIP

FROM A YOUTUBE PRODUCT REVIEW,

AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU TELL ME

WHAT'S BEING REVIEWED, ALL

RIGHT?

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS YOUNG

MOTHER'S REVIEW.

>> HEY, GUYS, IT'S US AGAIN.

TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY.

>> OH, I BET IT IS.

>> SHE'S 27 AGAIN.

>> THIS IS THE ONE HOUR SHE GETS

HER KID.

>> Chris: THIS IS IT.

>> GOT TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT.

>> Chris: I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU

100 POINTS FOR, THAT NATE,

BECAUSE THAT WAS DELIGHTFUL.

>> I NEED MORE THAN THAT, BUT

THAT'S FINE.

>> Chris: OKAY.

IS SHE REVIEWING KNIVES OR

EDIBLE UNDERWEAR?

I DON'T SAY THIS VERY OFTEN, BUT

PLEASE BE KNIVES, PLEASE BE

KNIVES, PLEASE BE KNIVES.

>> BECAUSE WE NEED IT TO BE

KNIVES.

BUT NO, IT'S GOT TO BE EDIBLE

UNDERWEAR.

IT'S GOT TO BE EDIBLE UNDERWEAR.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FIND

OUT.

>> OH!

OFF OF AMAZON FOR...

I WANT TO

SAY I PAID $85, AND THEN

SHIPPING.

>> WAIT, YOU'RE TELLING ME A

WOMAN LIKE THAT DOESN'T BELIEVE

IN CONTRACEPTION?

>> CHRIS: I THINK CHILD

PROTECTIVE SERVICES GOT,

"FIRST!" ON THE VIDEO.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT THIS

BEAUTIFUL LADY?

>> I'M GOING TO DO A PRODUCT

REVIEW.

>> ABOUT TO GIVE A REVIEW OF

THEM TITTIES.

>> Chris: IS SHE REVIEWING...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> AND IT'S AN A.

OR D, I DON'T KNOW.

THE WHOLE SYSTEM'S BROKE.

WHERE DID YOU PUT OUR ZEBRA

SHEETS?

OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU 100 POINT

FOR THAT, DAN.

WELL DONE, WELL DONE.

IS SHE REVIEWING LAXATIVES OR

WART-REMOVING BAND AIDS?

DAN?

>> (WHISTLES) THIS IS A TOUGH

ONE.

BUT LADY WITH A CLASSY SETUP

LIKE THAT, WE'RE GOING

WART-REMOVING BAND AIDS.

>> Chris: WELL, LET'S FIND OUT.

>> A LAXATIVE CALLED GLYCERIN

SUPPOSITORIES, AND IT LOOKS LIKE

THIS.

>> Chris: WHAT IF SHE WAS LIKE,

"I'M USING IT RIGHT NOW"?

(LAUGHTER)

>> DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO, LIKE,

ANOTHER WEB SITE TO SEE HOW IT

WORKS?

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT

THIS PEPPY YOUNG LASS?

>> HEY, EVERYONE.

WHAT IS UP?

>> THAT'S THAT LITTLE GIRL THAT

GREW UP FROM THE OTHER VIDEO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: 100 POINTS FOR NATE

BARGATZE.

>> THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR

MOM SELLS KNIVES.

>> Chris: IS SHE REVIEWING KITTY

LITTER OR STAR WARS?

NATE?

>> ALL RIGHT.

I MEAN, I THINK IT'S KITTY

LITTER BECAUSE, LIKE SHE

SHOULD...

RIGHT?

I'M NOT GOOD AT THIS GAME,

THOUGH.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> BUT ANYWAY, SO THAT WAS MY

REVIEW ON STAR WARS.

>> OH!

>> OF COURSE.

>> OF KITTY LITTER?

WAIT.

>> STAR WARS KITTY LITTER?

>> STAR WARS KITTY LITTER?

>> Chris: SHE SAID...

>> YOU'RE TELLING ME SHE DIDN'T

UNDERSTAND GEORGE LUCAS'

VISION?

>> Chris: NO, NO.

>> SHE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW,

IT'S IN SPACE, BUT IT WAS A LONG

TIME AGO."

(LAUGHTER)

>> ARE THEY...

IS THIS, LIKE, AN

OUTTAKE OF HOARDERS?

(LAUGHTER)

>> JUST DEAD CATS.

>> THERE'S A BUNCH OF STUFF BACK

THERE.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE A CAKE BOX.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE A SUBMISSION

TAPE FOR HOARDERS.

>> Chris: OH, IT TOTALLY DOES.

>> SHE'S STILL IN HER WEDDING

DRESS.

(LAUGHTER)

THE NEW ORLEANS PELICANS

ANNOUNCED THAT THEIR HORRIFYING

MASCOT PIERRE WENT UNDER THE

KNIFE AFTER SUFFERING A BROKEN

BEAK.

EARLIER TODAY THE NEW ORLEANS

PELICANS TWEETED OUT THIS

PICTURE SHOWING THAT PIERRE IS

RECOVERING.

THEY CAN'T NOT MAKE HIM

HORRIFYING NO MATTER WHAT THEY

DO!

"HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S

VALENTINE'S DAY.

HERE'S AN ACTUAL HUMAN HEART.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY GOING?

DON'T TAKE MY FACE!"

I ASKED YOU GUYS TO WRITE

PIERRE'S FINAL WORDS BEFORE THE

ANESTHESIA KICKED IN.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

DAN SODER?

>> Chris: ONE OF THEM SHOULD

HAVE BEEN A MASCOT.

>> YEAH, YEAH, THEY HAVE

WEIRD FACES.

>> Chris: NATE?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: WELL DONE.

NIKKI GLASER?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, AND

SCATTERED GROANS)

>> SOMEONE BOOED YOU, I THINK.

>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW WHY THE

CROWD WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT

THAT ONE.

>> IT'S HER BIRTHDAY TODAY, TOO.

>> Chris: OH, THAT'S NICE.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JENNIFER!

ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO GIVE

OR STATI, STATI?

I TOOK LATIN FOR FOUR YEARS IN

HIGH SCHOOL.

GOOD-BYE, VAGINAS.

ALL RIGHT.

OR VAGINAE.

RECENTLY WE LEARNED FACEBOOK

RECORDS THE STATUSES AND

COMMENTS YOU BEGIN TO WRITE BUT

THEN DELETE BEFORE POSTING.

I WANT YOU GUYS TO WRITE DOWN AS

MANY STATUSES THAT WOULD BE

BETTER LEFT DELETED FROM THE

FACE OF THE EARTH.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU 250 POINTS

IF THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND GO!

DAN?

>> "SHAIA LABEOUF'S MOVIE LOOKS

GREAT AND ORIGINAL."

>> Chris: POINTS.

NIKKI?

>> "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE WOODY

ALLEN MOVIE?"

>> Chris: POINTS.

NATE?

>> "MY SOCIAL IS 408-5..."

>> Chris: POINTS.

NIKKI?

>> "I'M IN THE @MIDNIGHT

DRESSING ROOM.

I HAVEN'T BEEN SEXUALLY HARASSED

YET.

HOLD ON, CHRIS IS HERE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'M EXCITED."

>> Chris: I BRING NOTHING BUT

NON-CREEPY HUGS AND MUFFINS.

POINTS.

>> YOU ARE THE NICEST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAN?

>> "THIS WHOLE ZIMMERMAN THING

SEEMS LIKE IT'S SELF-DEFENSE."

I SAID DELETE IT.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, THAT

WOULD...

YOU WOULD DELETE THAT,

YEAH, POINTS.

>> IT WAS EARLY.

>> Chris: NIKKI?

>> "KEVIN AND I JUST HAD OUR

FIRST BABY.

SHE'S EIGHT MONTHS EARLY."

>> OH, YEAH!

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

AND I'M SCARRED.

OH, MY GOD.

NATE?

>> "MY DAUGHTER'S SOCIAL IS

513-3..."

>> Chris: POINTS FOR THAT.

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