Don't Touch That Remote

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 03/08/2016

Hotel maids reveal just how dirty those rooms are, Chris Hardwick and Jen Kirkman play Tinder Tapout, and Nikki retires a sex move.

(upbeat music)

- If you could describeyour fingering style,

in one word, what would it be? - [Male] Oh my god.

- Fantastic.

- Smooth.

- Could you show me an example of that?

- Kinda like opening curtains nearly, but not.

- Right, like you're trying to fish some change out

of a pay phone.

- Exactly right, yeah.

- Like a doorbell.

Like, is anyone home?

- Like you're opening up a car door.

Two fingers, rub the clit.

- Uh, huh.

- Peace sign, open it up.

- What?

I like that you're all about pussy peace.

Okay.

Yes, that's good.

That's a really good one.

- DJ-ing on the vagina.

That's how you do it.

- I feel like we'rejust giving directions.

- You might as well be.

- You take that road down there.

- You might as well be.

- In and out with the finger on top.

- It's literally your trigger finger.

- Yeah.

- You pull it out like this, eh.

Get the little middle one like eh.

(unintelligible mouth sounds)

- Do you still make thatsound when you do it?

- Like this.

- Just like that?

Like he's putting in a contact.

Let me just look at your pussy.

(laughter)

- Need to give a littlebounce to it too,

depending on the song in the background.

- And then rub each lip, each lip.

- And usually gotta put the condom with the other hand,

with the right.

Like ripping off the Magnum.

- I love how you had to slip that in there.

We get it, we get it.

You got a big dick.

Have you ever played the game Fruit Ninja?

- Yes I have.

- You just gotta like.

- Motion.

- The machine gun and you gotta look her directly

in the eyes.

Just.

- No more.

I'd be scared.

- No more machine gun.

- So you scissors.

What if I throw rock?

- I'm out of there.

- So don't throw rock?

- Don't throw rock.

- [Host] Okay.

- Ever.

- Have you been fingered before?

- Haven't got there yet.

- Totally cool.

I hadn't at your age either.

18 right?

- Yeah.

- Guys don't know what they're doing at your age.

- No.

- Just tell themstay at the top.

Concentrated rubs, okay?

If they start doing this, just be like, get out of there.

Don't put up with it.

That's my message to you.

- Got it.

- Go get 'em slugger.

♪♪

What piece of advicewould you give

to people stayingin a hotel room?

-Don't.-Just don't go to hotels?

I would sleepin my car.

I needto hear the details.

What's, like, the grossest thingyou've ever found?

Probably isthe double-sided dildo.

The one?

You won't forget it.

Guy says, "Come on in."

And when I come in,he's handcuffed

and duct-tapedto a stripper pole.

So what did he say?

He was like, "What I want youto do is pick up that flogger

over there and hit mea couple of times."

-Did you do it?!-Yep.

For an extra $200,

I could end my afternoonand go to McDonald's.

Yep.What did you getat McDonald's for $200?

That's not important.

-That's a nice day.-Right?

So, that's been the worst --handprint shit stains?

There was massiveanal leakage.

So you've seen different levelsof it, and this was the most?

It looked like a crime scenebut only with shit.

Oh no. Like someone had killedsomeone made of shit.

Based on your expertise,

can you tell mewhere most people jizz?

All over the pillows.

It's all over the sheets,the pillows.

You could takethe pillow sheets off.

It's on the pillow.

-Pillows.-I'm hearing this.

On all surfaces,

especially phoneand the remote control.

Lampshades.

Don't touch the lights.

The switch for the lamp.

The toilet.

Don't step on the bathroomfloor with no shoes.

Shower handles.

Don't touch the doorknob.

And the doorknobto the bathroom.

And the door.

Don't touch anythingnear the door.

So, how do I get in?

Check your sheets.

I don't even knowwhy I'm sitting on it.

Yeah, let's getthis out of here.

You want to peel downthe top layer

and then eventhe second layer.

Those thingsdo not get washed,

and that's wheremost of the jizz is.

Now, how gross is thisthat we're sitting on now?

It's pretty gross.

Why are they doing iton the side of the bed?

Because they pull outand -- sskkt!

It could be lurkingalmost anywhere.

And God only knowswhat's on the carpet.

I really feel like we shouldlet the people know

and we should dosomething about this.

Announcer: The following messagehas been paid for

by the Janitorial Instituteof Safety Mandates.

Hotel rooms were built for sexand self-gratification.

Big beds, Wi-Fi,the "do not disturb" sign,

unlimited towels, and,best of all, no clean-up --

for you.

But for these ladies,it's another story.

When you check out,you're leaving more

than your Galaxy Note 5charger behind.

You're leaving a crusty trailof evidence that you're gross.

Your room is not your sock.

This is your sock.

So if you shot it on the floor,leave a $20 by the door.

If you make a messwhen you mount her,

leave some cash on the counter.

And if you're gonna makea puddle,

leave a tip before you boardthe airport shuttle.

This -- that one's not great.

Look, no one's telling younot to pull out

and spray it aroundlike a sprinkler if that's how

you want to celebrateyour sister's wedding.

And ladies- no one's sayingdon't jam some sheets all up

in there after you've had sex.So you don't have to go to bed

with a soggy vag.

It would be nice if you used atissue.

Yeah- but it's like- they're inthe bathroom and it's far,

and I'm tired.

(whispering)It's fine, just use the sheet.

So the next time you're aboutto jizz all over a hotel room,

think about these women.

Uh, like, that...

Shhh.

Together:Stop jizzing on everything.

Everything.

- I'm Nikki Glaser andthis is Even Not Safer.

Tonight I'm here with "At Midnight" host

Chris Hardwick and "At Midnight" regular,

Jen Kirkman.

(applause)

You know, you can findanything on Craigslist;

a used futon, a used roommate, or a casual

encounter with a totallyshaved Eastern European.

(laughter)

There's something for everyone, so this is

"Gross Encounters of the Craigslist Kind."

(applause)

Here's how it's going to work.

I'm gonna show you guys three nasty

casual encounters that I personally

posted on Craigslist myself, and then

I want you to guess which one of those

posts got a response from someone.

Onl one of them did, alright.

So the first one, the subject was

"Only ball play - nothing else."

I am very attractive single woman

in her 50's looking for a man who is

willing to letting me play with only his balls.

Nothing else! No kissing! No dick!

No butt! No dinner! Camera okay!

I can come to you between three and five PM.

Thanks and have a great day.

(applause)

That's number one.

Okay, here's the next one.

Please be my sex robot!

Looking for a man to come over

and be my sex robot.

Must wear silver gray, preferably shiny clothing.

I will program you for cleaning, fucking, etcetera.

I will name you either your name plus 3000

and or Robo plus your name and

you will call me Master.

Must be able to do realistic sounding

robot voice and also deep throat.

(laughing)

Reasonable request.

(appause)

Okay, and here's the last one.

Reliable chub seeks thick foreskin.

No nonsense chub looking for

fit stranger with thick foreskin.

If it don't stretch like taffy,

move along, little doggie.

I'll leave the door unlocked and will

be already nude listening to NPR.

I am clean. You be, too.

If we hit it off, you can take

some of my bison chili for the road.

No condoms!

(groaning)

(applause)

That's a nice offer.

So, those are the three, you guys.

- [Jen] Okay...

- For Craigslist, I feel like these

aren't even that far out of bounds.

- [Nikki] No, they're not!

- I'm gonna guess only ball play

because I think there'ssomething about...

I like the three tofive if you're married,

"Honey, I'm just gonna pick up the kids."

And then you go do that real quick first.

- Yeah!

- I think the guy wants only ball play.

- [Chris] I think sex robot, because I know

there's a dude out there who immediately

saw that and was like, "I will send you my digits."

"01101101111..."

I feel like it's gotta be sex robot,

but they're all really believable.

- They're all enticing.

- Yeah, we got taken off Craigslist

so much before we aced these.

(laughter)

Like we got flagged.

- What do you have to do to get

taken off of Craigslist?

- Oh, just poop stuff, mostly. So...

(laughter)

- I regret to inform you

that both of you are wrong,

the real thing that got a response was

"Reliable Chub Seeks Thick Foreskin."

(applause)

- Oh my god, the word reliable is so like,

"Well, this old chub sure is reliable."

(laughing)

- And it's what you say in a lie

about a car before it's about to

break down when you're selling it.

- The response that he wrote back was,

I would love Chris if you would read it for us.

- Sure, I'd love to.

Subject line, "Hey Stetcher."

I am six-two, 205 pounds, mine does stretch,

I don't know how much.

I put two fingers on the head

and then rolled it over them.

May I come over?

I'm very clean and will shave first.

Douglas.

(laughing)

(applause)

- [Nikki] I love that his name is Douglas.

(applause)

- Oh, Douglas!

Give it up one more time for my friends,

Jen Kirkman and Christ Hardwick.

See you next time on Not Safer.

(applause)

I'm always shocked at how muchguys will put up with

just for sex -- froyo,candle shopping, listening.

I wanted to see just how farI could push them.

It's time for Tinder Tapout.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah.

Chris, what's your takeon Tinder? You into it?

I believe Tinder isan HPV pyramid scheme.

[ Laughter ]

So, I have not --[ Laughs ]

Never --never done it.

-Never did it?-Never did it.

Well, because everyone on Tinderis looking to hook up,

I create a profile of the mosthorrible woman imaginable.

Meet the new Kayla.

Yeah, this is her.

She --[ Chuckles ]

She is addicted to Chaneland "Fuller House."

-[ Laughs ]-And Rozay for dayssssss.

Yeah, she's kind of the worst,but she looks like this,

so guys, like,don't give a shit.

Well, a guy swiped righton her,

and we started chattingwith him.

His name is Ricardo.

He looks likea nice enough guy, right?

And he's a Marine and actor,so he is a Marine.

And...yes.

Well, we areactually gonna read

their actual Tinderconversation,

and you guys let me knowwhen you think

Ricardo has had enoughof Kayla.

Chris, you read for Ricardo.I'll read for Kayla.

-Oh, okay.-Okay?

And you guys let me know

when you thinkhe tapped out, all right?

God, what would Ricardosound like? Okay, okay.Think about it.

Just get into character.-Here we go, here we go.

Ready?Here we go.

All right.

Hey,how are you doin'?

So, you ain't a Virgo,are you?

I keep getting suedby Virgos.

No, I'm a Taurus.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, no.Taurus has a bad moon right now.

Check everything you eatfor glass, et cetera.

I will. OMG.How do you know so much?

[ Laughter ]

Didn't learn to readuntil I was 18,

so now I'm obsessed with it.

Nerd emoji.

-All right.-All right.

She just learnedto read.

You guys thinkhe's still in after this?

Yeah, yeah, definitely.Nothing crazy's happened yet.

-Really?-He's totally still in.

I feel like peopleare so stupid these days

that someone would be like,"Yeah, 18's when peoplelearn to read."

Like, it doesn't even -- no.

Yeah, he's trying to gethis D.W. -- dick wet.

Okay, let's go on.

That's cool.Reading comes in handy.

Tell me about you!

Sweet.

I stole a wheelchair onceand rode it down a hill.

I got hit by a Porsche,lost a toe.

Don't ask, but yeah,wheelchair owner was a Virgo.

What you do?

I'm in the Marines.

[ Laughter ]

I got PTSD --

Party TillSeverely Dumber.

Money-tongue emoji,"keep it 100" emoji.

All right.What about now?

-Well, now ---Has she pushed it?

Now, first of all,now I retract my voice

that I've been doing for thispoor Marine the entire time.

Thank you for your service.[ Laughter ]

I thought maybe he'd getoffended at the PTSD joke,

but I feel like a guywho wants to get laid,

he's like, "That's fine.I'm not offended."

-His dick would see past that.-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Aww, that's sweet, you guys.You're right.

He's still in.-Okay.

[ British accent ]What's your favorite color?

Diamonds.Don't got none.

Had to sell both my weddingrings to pay off my psychic/bff.

Star emoji.

[ Laughter ]

You are married?

Was.

I got a soul mate in lockupand a baby daddy in heaven

listening to Amy Winehousesing sad stuff.

[ Audience groans ]

No.

Oh, no, Kayla,what have you done?

Okay, what about now?I mean, this has gotten...

[ Normal voice ] You know,if his boner is rigid enough,

all he sees is, "Well,I like Amy Winehouse, too."

-Exactly.-I still don't think he's out.

Yeah, and you havea baby daddy,

so you're not gonna geton him for kids right away.

He's fine.He's still in it.

You guys are right.He's still in.

[ Laughter ]

[ British accent ] Okay,what's your favorite pizza?

Ravioli or "lazanya."

Okay, this is whereit gets weird.

So, she just thinks, like,all Italian food is pizza.That's her.

[ Normal voice ] And also, to befair, she's already divulged

that she did not learn to readtill she was 18.

-Yes.-Okay.

So it's finethat she spelled

lasagna likea Portuguese woman's name.

That's fine.-[ Laughs ]

It's creative.She's great.

[ British accent ]Those are mine, too!

[ Laughter ]

[ Normal voice ]I'm really trying.Soul mates.

Do you believe in loveat first "site"?

Okay.She dropped the "L" bomb.

That's scarier to a manthan not knowing what pizza is.

I really think.-Yeah.

I feel like he...

I feel like he might check outat that point.

[ Normal voice ] Like, I stillfeel like he might be in.

He's out.He tapped out, you guys.

We lost him.

Ricardo.

-I told you.-And...yeah.

We obviously -- we obviouslyhad to know why

at this pointwe dropped him,

and so that's whywe invited him here.

Ricardo is here.Ricardo.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughs ]

Thanks for being here,buddy.

Why'd we lose you?

Why did you tap out?

Well, I lost --I went to the gym,

and I lost my phoneat the gym.

Oh, so you never tapped out?You lost your phone?

-Yeah.-So you would have kept going?

Well, no, I mean, 'cause Ibelieve in love at first sight.

-Aww.-Awww!

Do you believe in knowingwhat pizza is?

[ Laughter ]

It's just food.

Can I just interject and saymy impression was dead-on.

[ Laughter ]

Thank youfor doing this, buddy.

-No problem.-Thank you for showing up.