Hannibal Goes to Hell to Find Out What's in that Bag

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 08/12/2015

Hannibal asks people if they'd want Obama to run for a third term, is told he's going to Hell and welcomes a special mystery guest and a musical performance from Thundercat.

PLEASE WELCOME MY MUSICAL GUEST,PERFORMING A SONG CALLED

"THEM CHANGES," ONE OF THEBADDEST BASSISTS IN THE LAND,

HIS NAME IS THUNDERCAT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ NOBODY MOVE,THERE'S BLOOD ON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ AND I CAN'T FIND MY HEART

♪ WHERE DID IT GO?DID I LEAVE IT IN THE COLD? ♪

♪ SO, PLEASE GIVE IT BACK,'CAUSE IT'S NOT YOURS TO TAKE ♪

♪ IT MUST'VE FELLWHEN I LOST MY MIND ♪

♪ DEEP IN THE CUT,DROWNING IT IN PAIN ♪

♪ SOMEBODY HELP'CAUSE I CAN'T FIND MY WAY ♪

♪ NOBODY MOVE

♪ NOBODY MOVE

♪ OOOOH, HOOOO

♪ OOOH, HOOO, HOO-OOH,OOH, OOOH ♪

♪ OOOH, HOO-OO, HOO, OOOH

♪ I LOVE

♪ SOMEBODY TELL MEHOW I'M SUPPOSED TO FEEL ♪

♪ WHEN I'M SITTING HEREKNOWING THIS AIN'T REAL ♪

♪ WHY IN THE WORLDWOULD I GIVE MY HEART TO YOU ♪

♪ JUST TO WATCH YOUTHROW IT IN THE TRASH? ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN TRAVELING SO LONG,I DON'T THINK I CAN HOLD ON ♪

♪ WHERE WERE YOUWHEN I NEEDED YOU THE MOST? ♪

♪ I'M SITTING HEREWITH A BLACK HOLE IN MY CHEST ♪

♪ A HEARTLESS, BROKEN MESS

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOOOH

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH

♪ LA, LA, LA, DA, DA

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.

THE UPCOMING PRESIDENTIALELECTION IS A BIG MESS.

I WISH OBAMA COULD JUST RUNFOR A THIRD TERM.

HE'S JUST GETTING WARMED UP,YOU KNOW?

HE'S JUST GETTING WARMED UP,OBAMA.

[ APPLAUSE ]

BUT IF HE DID GETFOUR MORE YEARS, I WONDER,

HOW WOULD THE PUBLIC REACT?

I DECIDED TO FIND OUT ON MY OWNBY GOING ON THE STREETS OF L.A.

AND TELLING PEOPLE THAT OBAMAHAS SIGNED AN EXECUTIVE ORDER

ALLOWING HIMTO SERVE A THIRD TERM.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

OBAMA SIGNEDAN EXECUTIVE ORDER

THAT GIVES HIMSELFA THIRD TERM AS PRESIDENT.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

I MEAN, I THOUGHTHE COULD ONLY RUN FOR TWO TERMS.

OBAMA SAID HOPE AND CHANGE,AND SO HE'S HOPING TO CHANGE IT.

I REALLY DON'T CAREFOR OBAMA.

NO?ABSOLUTELY NOT.

NO?I'VE GOT CHAMPAGNEAT HOME.

FOR HIM TO LEAVE?WHEN HE LEAVES.

REALLY?MM-HMM.

WE ARE, UM,ACTUALLY SUPPORTING ABH.

WHAT'S ABH?

ANYONE BUT HILLARY.

OHHHH![ LAUGHS ]

ACRONYMS!

OBAMA THIRD TERM.

OBAMA THIRD TERM?YEAH.

OR ME, IDRIS --YOU?

IDRIS FOR PRESIDENT.

[ "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYING ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU GOT TO WEAR A SHIRTTO BE PRESIDENT.

ANYONE BUT HILLARY.

WAIT, WAIT.NOT ANYONE, THOUGH.

ANYONE.

DONALD TRUMPOVER HILLARY?

OH, UGH...

RICK SANTORUM?MM...

WE WOULD CHOOSE JUSTIN BIEBEROVER THAT.

OVER HILLARY?

ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH HIM?

UH...

UH...JUSTIN BIEBER.

THEY SAY THAT YOU ROASTTHE ONES YOU LOVE,

BUT I DON'T LIKE YOUAT ALL, MAN.

I'M JUST HERE 'CAUSE THIS ISA REAL GOOD OPPORTUNITY FOR ME.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

NOPE.

UH, WHO'S YOUR FAVORITEREPUBLICAN CANDIDATE?

EEGH...

YOU EVER HEAROF RICK SANTORUM?

OH, YEAH,I HEAR HIM ON TV.YEAH.

UH, BUT I KNOW -- I DON'T KNOWA LOT ABOUT THIS GUY.

DONALD TRUMP?

OH, YEAH, THE GUYWITH NOT A LOT OF HAIR?

YEAH. YEAH.YEAH, I KNOW HIM.

HE'S LIKE THE KINGOF NEW YORK, RIGHT?

AH...JAY Z'S THE KINGOF NEW YORK.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU THINKABOUT HILLARY?

YOU THINKSHE'S GOT A GOOD SHOT?

I HOPE NOT.[ LAUGHS ]

HOW OLD IS HILLARY?

I'M GONNA GO WITH 52.52?

AM I CLOSE?NO.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW?SORT OF.

[ LAUGHS ]71.

OH, SHE'S, LIKE,OLDER THAN MY GRANDMA.

I KNOW.

SHE'S GONNA DIEBEFORE HER TERM IS UP.

WHOA.THAT WAS DARK.

NO, NO, NO.I'M JUST KIDDING.

YOU HAVEA DARK SENSE OF HUMOR.

DON'T PEOPLE USUALLY DIE, LIKE,AT, LIKE, 70-SOMETHING?

WOMEN USUALLY LIVEA LITTLE LONGER

'CAUSE THEY DON'T DEAL WITHTHE STRESS OF BEING A MAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M 54.54?

YEAH.

DID YOUJUST DO EYEBROWS AT ME?

NO.OH, OKAY.

OH, NO.AM I LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY?

SORRY, I MISREAD THAT.[ LAUGHS ]

I MISREAD THAT.I'M SORRY.

[ CHIMES! ]

[ TING! ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

MICHELLE IS TRYING TO STOPCHILDHOOD OBESITY.

YOU THINK I'M OBESE?

YOU SUCKED IN.[ LAUGHS ]

NO, I DON'T THINKYOU WOULD BE CONSIDERED OBESE.

COOL.

I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT, LIKE,A BODY BUILDER,

BUT YOU'RE NOT OBESE.HEY, I WAS --

SEE?YOU COULD'VE...

YOU'RE, LIKE, IN BETWEEN.YOU COULD'VE STOPPED.

COULD YOU SEE MICHELLEWEARING THESE RIGHT HERE?

THINK SHE COULDPULL THEM OFF?

MICHELLE COULD PULL OFFTHOSE SHORTS?

YEAH.

YEAH?

NOT LIKE ME, THOUGH.

I DON'T THINK SO, EITHER.

AM I FAMOUS IN FRANCE?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.

NO?NO.

WHAT ABOUT, UH,KANYE WEST?

HE'S BIG IN FRANCE?

YEAH, HE'SVERY, VERY FAMOUS.

EVERYONE LOVE HIM.

DO THEY REALLY LIKE HIM'CAUSE HE MADE THAT

"[BLEEP] IN PARIS" SONG?

YEAH. A LOT OF PEOPLESAY [BLEEP] IN FRANCE.

OH, WOW.

SEE WHAT YOU DID, KANYE?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

OBAMA 2016.

WE'VE GOT OBAMA 2016COCOA BUTTER.

COCOA BUTTER?OHH, MY GOD.

SO, YOU CAN'T --YOU CAN'T BE OUT HERE ASHY.

YOU WANT A...I LOVE THAT.

....OBAMA 2016KITTY-LITTER SCOOPER?

YOU LOOK INTO THE CAMERAAND SAY "OBAMA 2016"?

[ LAUGHS ] NO-BAMA 2016!

ABH!

WE'RE GONNA CUT OFFTHAT "N."[ LAUGHS ]

[ SLOW MOTION ]OBAMA 2016!

GOT HER![ LAUGHS ]

BUT THERE'S SOME PEOPLE

WHO LIKE TO PUSH THEIR BELIEFSON OTHER IN A LOUD MANNER.

AND I WAS IN SAN DIEGOLAST MONTH, AND I HAD A HEATED,

UNPRODUCTIVE DISCUSSIONWITH A STREET PREACHER.

CHECK IT OUT.

HANNIBAL:WHAT MOVIE IS THIS FOR?

UH, IT'S NOT A MOVIE,IT'S REALITY.

WHEN YOU DIE,YOU'RE GONNA MEET

THE SAME GODWE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THAT'S REALITY.

OH, SO IT'SA REALITY SHOW.REALLY.

LIKE THE KARDASHIANS.UH, NO.

YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?NO.

YOU BELIEVEIN EVOLUTION?NO.

SO, UH, HOW DO --WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?

YEEZUS.

WELL, HOWDO YOU KNOW JESUS?

NO, YEEZUS.

YOU'RE IN WORSE SHAPETHAN WHAT I THOUGHT.YEEZUS!

YOU'RE IN WORSE SHAPETHAN WHAT I THOUGHT.YEEZUS!

HAVE YOU HEARD"COLLEGE DROPOUT"

OR "GRADUATION"OR "LATE REGISTRATION"?

JESUS.JESUS.

JESUS. THERE YOU GO.JESUS.

SEE HOW EASYYOU CAN ANNUNCIATE THAT?

YEEZUS.

YOU CAN'T PLAY THE RACE CARDWHEN YOU DIE AND MEET GOD.

YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT?

I'M NOT PLAYINGTHE RACE CARD.

YOU CAN'T HOPE JESSE JACKSONAND AL SHARPTON ARE GONNA

BAIL YOU OUTWHEN YOU MEET THIS GOD

THAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT,WHO'S GONNA JUDGE YOU

AND TELL YOU TO GET RIGHT.

HOW SOBER IS THAT?

THAT'S NOTSOBERING AT ALL.

THAT'S SOBERING, MAN.

NO, YOU JUST SOUNDREALLY CRAZY.

YOU'RE A BIG BOY,AND IF YOU'RE A BIG BOY,

YOU'RE GONNA MAKETHESE BIG-BOY DECISIONS.

YOU'RE GONNA WIND UPIN HELL.

YOU THINK YOUR DOUCHE-BAG ASSWILL BE IN HEAVEN?

SAME WITH, UH, TUPAC.

HE'S BURNING RIGHT NOW,

CRYING LIKETHE LITTLE GIRL THAT HE IS.

OKAY. LET'S SAY TUPAC'SBEEN DEAD 19 YEARS.

YOU DON'T THINK AFTER A WHILEHE'LL GET USED TO IT?

NO.

YEAH, I THINK AFTER A WHILEYOU GET USED TO IT.

IT'S LIKE PHOENIX,YOU KNOW?

[ LAUGHTER ]THAT'S WHAT YOU GETFOR THINKING.

READ YOUR BIBLE, THERE,YOUNG MAN.

I DON'T HAVE A BIBLE.

GET ONE.

WELL, THERE'S ONEIN MY HOTEL.

THERE YOU GO.IT'S --

BUT I SIGNED IT AND SELLED ITAS MERCHANDISE.

WELL, THAT'S WHYYOU'LL GO TO HELL. WITH TUPAC.

YEAH.WITH TUPAC?

WITH TUPAC.

HEY, THAT MEANSEXCLUSIVE MUSIC.

I'MA GET THOSE FIRE --EXCLUSIVE HELL TRACKS.

OH, NO.YOU'RE -- YOU'RE BURNING.

YOU'RE GONNA BE SITTING HERELISTENING TO ALIVE RAPPERS.

YOU'RE BURNING.

I'M GONNA GET THAT EXCLUSIVEDEAD-RAPPER STUFF.

OH, YOU THINK -- YOU THINKYOU CAN BE A CHRISTIAN AND RAP?

YES!NO, YOU CANNOT.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "I CAN BEA CHRISTIAN PROSTITUTE."

THERE ARE PROSTITUTESIN THE BIBLE.

YOU DON'T KNOW MUCH.YEAH.

YOU DON'T KNOWMUCH OF ANYTHING.

THE ONE THINGTHAT I DON'T KNOW

IS THAT I DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH,SO I SEEK OUT TO LEARN.

BUT, ALSO, I LEARN THAT PEOPLEARE CRAZY IN THE DOING OF IT.

AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR, ANDYOU'LL FIND A VERY CRAZY PERSON.

HEY, EVERYBODY'S CRAZYIN A DIFFERENT WAY.

UH, NOT ME.

BUT SOME OF US DON'T YELLIN THE STREET AT STRANGERS.

I BET YOUR GRANDMAUSED TO PRAY FOR YOUR SOUL.

YEAH, PROBABLY.

AND YOU'RE GONNA MISSSEEING YOUR GRANDMA

'CAUSE YOU'D RATHER BEBURNING IN HELL WITH TUPAC.

WAIT, HOW DO YOU KNOWMY GRANDMA ISN'T A MURDERER?

SO, BELIEVING IN GOD

AUTOMATICALLY GETS YOUTO HEAVEN?

UH, NO.YOU NEED A LIFESTYLE TO MATCH.

A LIFESTYLE?

JESSE JACKSONBELIEVES IN GOD,

AND WE KNOWHE'S GOING TO HELL.

ARE YOU SERIOUSRIGHT NOW?

AS A HEART ATTACK.

WELCOME TOTHE GOD OF THE BIBLE.

AND THIS IS YOUR WAKE-UP CALL,YOUNG MAN.

KEEP YOUR FINGER AWAYFROM MY FACE, PLEASE.

[ LAUGHTER ]LAST WORDS --

DO YOU WANTTO JUST REVEAL YOURSELF

AS AN EXCELLENTANDY KAUFMAN-STYLE

CHARACTER ACTORAND THIS IS ALL A RUSE?

NO.OKAY.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BAGAND WONDERED WHAT WAS IN IT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF SO, YOU'RE GONNA LOVEOUR NEXT SEGMENT.

IT'S A LITTLE GAME CALLED"WHAT'S IN THAT BAG?"

♪♪

ALL RIGHT.LET'S SEE.

ANYBODY HAVE GUESSES TO WHAT'SIN THE BAG?

MAN: A CANNON.

A CANNON?

I SEE THAT, A LITTLE BIT.A CANNON.

COULD BE A CANNON.ANY OTHER GUESSES?

BACK THERE.

A WHAT?A PAIR OF FETUSES PLAYING POKER?

I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE

THE PERFECT ESCALATION OF THATBIT, BUT, UH...

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT IS NOT THAT AT ALL.

I'M NOT SURE MYSELF,

BUT I HAVE A TIME-TESTEDSTRATEGY FOR FINDING OUT.

LET ME SEE.LET ME SEE.

OH! OW!AH! AH!

[ MUFFLED ] KNOCK IT OFF![BLEEP] OFF, MAN!

[BLEEP] YOU MOTHER[BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT'S IN THE BAG?LET'S SEE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]YEAH.

IT'S ERIC ANDRÉ,EVERYBODY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]ERIC ANDRÉ.

THE [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER ]GET AWAY FROM ME.

AH! UGH.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAN?HOW YOU DOING?

THIS HOWYOU TREAT ME, MAN?

NO, MAN. I JUST --

I TREAT YOU LIKE THE BEAUTIFULBLACK INDEPENDENT QUEEN

THAT YOU ARE ON MY SHOW,AND YOU PUT ME IN A [BLEEP] BAG?

THAT'S JUST -- I DON'T --I'M NOT GOOD WITH GUESTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DIDN'T TELL THEMTO BALL-GAG YOU.

LISTEN, MAN, I HEARD --NO, YOU LISTEN!

ALL RIGHT.YOU LISTEN, MAN!

YOU -- WHAT?!

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "HEY,WHAT'S UP WITH THE GLASSES?

HANNIBAL KEEPS TOGGLINGBACK AND FORTH."

GUESS WHAT, PEOPLE?

THREE YEARS AGO,HE HAD LASER SURGERY,

AND THOSE GLASSESARE FAKE!

[ LAUGHTER ]WHAT --

AND I'M HERE TO PUTTHE GODDAMN RUMORS TO REST!

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU'RE RIGHT.HE'S RIGHT.

THESE ARE FAKE GLASSES,AND I HAVE PERFECT EYESIGHT.

THIS WASN'TTHE PLACE TO DO IT,

BUT...EVEN THOUGH...I HAVE PERFECT EYESIGHT,

I IDENTIFY AS SOMEBODYTHAT DOESN'T.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M...

TRANS-EYEBALL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW YOU BEEN, MAN?

I'M GOOD, MAN.YEAH?

YEAH, I-I GOTA MEDICAL SALVIA CARD, SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M ONE OF THE FIRST.YEAH?

YEAH, YEAH.

ANYTHING ELSEWE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?

BIKRAM YOGA.BIKRAM YOGA?

THE BIKRAM DUDE IS A PERV.DO YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT THIS?

THE BIKRAM DUDE IS, LIKE,IN TROUBLE.

WHAT'D THE BIKRAM DUDE DO?

HE WAS [BLEEP] FINGERINGTHE WHOLE CLASS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

REALLY?YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HIS EXCUSEIS GONNA BE?

HE'S LIKE,"UH, IT'S A SWEATY ROOM,

SO I JUST SLID,AND THEN IT JUST HAPPENED."

YEAH.IT WAS LIKE, "AHH..."

HE WAS DOING A STRETCH.

HE WAS DOING, LIKE, A DHALSIM"STREET FIGHTER" STRETCH

ACROSS THE [BLEEP]...

"WHOOPS!""GRRRSH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

PEOPLE WERE LIKE, "UGH,IS THIS PART OF THE CLASS?"

I DON'T --THE CROWD IS --

I LIKE THIS PARTOF THE BIT.

WE WERE DONE WITH THE BITA LONG TIME AGO.

WE WERE DONE WITH IT.IT'S JUST KIND OF NOW.

NOW I'M JUST, LIKE,I'M WEARING MY DAD'S SHIRT,

AND I'M LETTING MY BALLSSWING BACK AND FORTH.

[ LAUGHTER ]I'M FEELING GOOD.

THIS IS --YOUR SHOW'S AWESOME.

IT ISAN AWESOME SHOW, MAN.

THIS IS ACTUALLYALL WE DO THE WHOLE SHOW.

REALLY?THIS IS COOL, MAN.

YEAH, WE'RE GONNAGET CANCELLED.

OH.[ LAUGHTER ]

ERIC ANDRÉ, EVERYBODY![ LAUGHING ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SOMEBODY IN THE AUDIENCEIS LIKE,

"[BLEEP], MAN, THEY'RE STUCKIN A PODCAST UP THERE."

YEAH.TAKE YOUR BAG WITH YOU!

ERIC ANDRÉ!