Comedy Central Presents
Season 10

CC Presents: Rod Man

  • Season 10, Ep 4
  • 02/23/2006

YEAH. YEAH. I LIKE IT. I LIKE IT.

I LIKE IT. I LIKE IT, ENTHUSIASM.

Y'ALL IS CLAPPIN' LIKE YOU KNOW ME.

I APPRECIATE THE LOVERIGHT THERE, 'CAUSE I--

YEAH, 'CAUSE, YOU GOTTA WORK. I UNDERSTAND YOU GOTTA WORK,

YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND WHEN PEOPLE HAVE TO GO ON STRIKE.

THAT'S WHY I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN A GOOD

CIVIL RIGHT MOVEMENT PERSON, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE THAT WAS TOO MUCH WALKIN'AT ONE TIME FOR ME RIGHT THERE.

THEY WOULD HAVE OF HAD TO COME TO THE HOUSE AND SEE ME THEN,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE--YOU DON'T REALLY WANNA--

YEAH, 'CAUSE IT WASTOO HOT THEN, YOU KNOW.

IT'S NEVER A GOOD TIME TO DO A MOVEMENT REALLY, YOU KNOW.

IT'S EITHER TOO HOT OR IT'S TOO COLD, YOU KNOW,

SO I WOULD HAVE HADTO CALL 'EM UP AND SAY,

"HEY, Y'ALL CANCOME OVER TO THE HOUSE.

YOU KNOW I GOT TV AND EVERYTHING.

WE CAN JUST CALL 'EMAND TELL 'EM HOW WE FEELABOUT STUFF, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE, I AM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO MARCH THIS EVENING,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE IT'S NOT A GOOD THING TO BE MARCHING WHEN IT'S HOT 'CAUSE..."

YEAH, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHY I'M NOT GOOD AT,

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SAY, "WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE A REGULAR JOB?"

YOU KNOW THIS IS A REGULAR JOB.

I JUST DON'T WORK 8 HOURS 'CAUSEI'M NOT A GOOD 8-HOUR WORKER.

IT'S JUST-- YEAH. 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK

YOU SHOULD HAVE TO BEAROUND PEOPLE THAT LONG

THAT YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW. THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING.

YOU BE LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE. WHY AM I HERE THIS LONG,"

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK IT TAKE 8 HOURS TO DO NOTHING.

WE SHOULD NOT BE AROUND EACH OTHER THIS LONG, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE YOU ARE THERE SO LONG, BECAUSE IT'S THE HOURLY WAGE.

YOU KNOW THEY PAY YOU LIKE $10 AN HOUR OR SOMETHING,

AND THEY MAKE YOU WORK 8 HOURS.

BUT I SAY PAY ME$80 AN HOUR FOR AN HOUR,

AND THEREFORE THAT WOULD BUILD EMPLOYEE MORALE RIGHT THERE,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YEAH,

'CAUSE THEY GOT TOO MANY RULES ON THE JOB.

LIKE, I USED TO WORK AT THIS RESTAURANT CALLED CRACKER BARREL, YOU KNOW.

AND I WAS A DISHWASHER IN THE RESTAURANT

AND I WAS A GOOD DISHWASHER. BUT THEY HAD TOO MANY RULES,

'CAUSE THE SUPERVISOR CALLED ME IN THE OFFICE ONE DAY

AND HE WAS LIKE, "OH, ROD, WE NEED YOU TO TAKE A DRUG TEST."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA, I TOOK A DRUG TEST TO GET THE JOB,"

AND HE WAS LIKE, "NO. THIS IS A RANDOM DRUG TEST."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL HELL, YOU BETTER PICK SOMEBODY ELSE

"THEN, DAMN IT 'CAUSE THIS NOT...

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- "YEAH, THIS AIN'T A...

"THIS NOT A GOOD DAY TO DO ME, YOU KNOW.

"DON'T GET ME WRONG. I CAN PASS THE TEST.

"I JUST NEED TIME TO STUDY. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

"I'VE NEVER BEEN A GOOD POP QUIZ TAKER.

THAT'S NOT MY THING. I NEED TIME TO STUDY."

'CAUSE, EVERYWHERE YOU GO THEY GOT TESTS, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S JUST LIKE IF YOU GO TO A CLUB AND THEY GIVE YOU

A TWO-DRINK MINIMUM IN THE CLUB.AND, YOU KNOW, AS A KID

THERE WAS OFFICER FRIENDLY, HE WOULD COME TO THE SCHOOL

AND TELL YOU, "YOU HAVE A FRIEND IN LAW ENFORCEMENT."

BUT WHEN YOU GET GROWN,YOU CANNOT FIND OFFICER FRIENDLY

NO MORE AT ALL.

BECAUSE I WAS IN A CLUB ONE NIGHT AND I HAD TWO DRINKS,

BECAUSE THAT WAS THE MINIMUM. THEY WOULD NOT LET ME STAY

IN THE CLUB UNTIL THE DRUNK TWO DRINKS.

AND I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THIS IS MY MINIMUM.

I'M-- WHAT'S MY MAXIMUM?I DON'T REALLY KNOW."

BUT YOU DRINK YOUR DRINKS AND THEN YOU GO GET IN YOUR CAR.

BUT YOU'RE NOT DRUNK, BUT EVIDENTLY MY CAR

HAD A COUPLE DRINKSWHILE I WAS IN THE CLUB.

- [LAUGHTER]- OR SOMETHING,

'CAUSE I WAS JUST ALL OVER THE LINE.

I BE LIKE, "WHOA. WE CANNOT BE OVER THE DIVIDER TONIGHT.

THIS IS NOT A GOOD NIGHTFOR ME TO DO THIS."

AND THE POLICE PULLED ME OVER. HE WAS LIKE, "SIR, I'M GONNA

"NEED YOU TO STEP OUT THE VEHICLE

AND TAKE A FIELD SOBRIETY TEST."

AND YOU KNOW THE TEST IS NEVER IN A FIELD, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, "THIS IS NOT A FIELD.

THIS IS A ROAD SOBRIETY TEST."

'CAUSE I FELT LIKE IT WAS IN A FIELD,

I WOULD BE ABLE TO RUN BETTER IN A FIELD 'CAUSE...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, 'CAUSE IT'S NOT CONDUCIVE TO THE ROAD.

'CAUSE I ALWAYS GET TICKETS. POLICE DON'T NEVER LIKE

TO WORK WITH YOU ON CHARGES, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I WAS IN L.A.

AND THEY GOT LIKE A CARPOOL LANE.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS HELPING TRAFFIC.

I GOT IN THE CARPOOL LANE'CAUSE THERE WAS SO MUCH TRAFFIC

IN ALL THE OTHER LANES,AND I WAS LIKE,

"WHOA, EVERYBODY-- IT SEEMS TO BE MOVING WELL

IN THAT LANE RIGHT THERE." YOU KNOW, SO I GOT IN THE

LITTLE CARPOOL LANE AND I'MRIDIN' GOOD IN THE CARPOOL LANE.

BUT THE LITTLE POLICE ON THE MOTORCYCLE GET BEHIND ME

AND HE WAS LIKE, "WOO, WOO." AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA,

"I NEED TO GET OUT OF HIS WAY 'CAUSE EVIDENTLY HE IS LOOKING

FOR SOMEBODY, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE HE WAS IN A HURRY."

SO I PULLED OVER AND HE PULLED RIGHT BEHIND ME.

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA, MAYBE HE WANT ME TO TELL HIM

"IF I SEEN ANYTHINGOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

SO, YEAH, I BE A GOOD SAMARITAN OR SOMETHING."

BUT HE CAME RIGHT TO CAR, AND HE LIKE,

"SIR, YOU CAN'T BE IN THIS LANE

UNLESS YOU HAVE ANOTHER PERSON IN THE VEHICLE."

AND I LOOKED AT HIM AND I LOOKED AT HIS MOTORCYCLE

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, WHERE YOUR OTHER PERSON AT?

"YOU DON'T HAVE NOBODY ON YOUR MOTORCYCLE,

"SO I WOULD LIKE TO PRESS CHARGES, TOO.

SO, YOU DON'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS LANE

TO STOP ME REALLY. SO THIS IS APPLAUSE.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY.

YEAH, 'CAUSE I FEEL CERTAIN PEOPLE GOT ISSUES AND PEOPLE GOT PROBLEMS,

'CAUSE PEOPLE ASK ME ALL THE TIME,

"WHERE DO YOU THINK MICHAEL JACKSON WENT WRONG?

AND I'LL BE LIKE, BEIN' BORN WAS HALF OF IT

RIGHT THERE, THAT'S, THAT WAS THE START.

BUT MICHAEL USED TO BE GOOD, YOU KNOW?

BUT MICHAEL LOST ITSOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY,

'CAUSE IN CALIFORNIA, THEY WERE WORRYIN' ABOUT THE TRIAL.

THEY WERE LIKE, "IS BLACK PEOPLE GONNA RIOT?"

AND WE'RE LIKE, "NO." 'CAUSE I WENT TO THE MEETING'S

AND WE WAS NOTGONNA DO NOTHIN' AT ALL.

YEAH, 'CAUSE WE DON'TCLAIM MICHAEL LIKE THAT.

MICHAEL LOST HIS CARD A LONG TIME AGO.

SO, YEAH, HE AIN'T GOT NO MEMBERSHIP AT ALL IN OUR--

'CAUSE WHITE PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIM.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, YOU'RE JUST IN THE MIDDLE," YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE MIKE LOST US WHEN HE LOST HIS NOSE, YOU KNOW?

THIS IS IMPORTANT. MIKE GOT A NOSE THAT AIN'T REGULATION.

IT AIN'T A REGULATION NOSE. 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T--

YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GETTIN' THE PROPER AMOUNT OF OXYGEN

UP IN YA, YOU KNOW, TO SMELL, YOU KNOW,

THE BULL-[BLEEP] COMIN'. YOU KNOW, HE CAN'T REALLY--

YEAH, 'CAUSE IF HE HAD AREGULATION NOSE, HE WOULD KNOW--

HE'D BE LIKE,"WAIT A MINUTE.

"Y'ALL GOTTA GET THESE LITTLE KIDS AWAY FROM ME.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I AM 46 YEARS OLD.

I CAN'T PLAY WITH THESE LITTLE 13 YEAR OLD BOYS."

SO HE COULD SMELLTHE BULL-[BLEEP] COMIN',THAT'S ALL I'M SAYIN'.

YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T WANT MICHAEL TO GO TO JAIL

'CAUSE HE AIN'T JAIL-READY, YOU KNOW.

YOU GOT-- YEAH, HE AIN'T DID A PUSH-UP OR NOTHIN'.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO IN JAIL LOOKIN' LIKE MIKE LOOKIN'.

YOU KNOW THEY WOULD PUT HIM IN A SALAD OR SOMETHIN'.

- SO THAT'S NOT GOOD. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW COME IN LET ME PUT MICHAEL IN THIS SALAD RIGHT HERE.

LOOKIN' LIKE A NICE CROUTON, YEAH.

BUT IT'S BEAUTIFUL.I SEE A LOT OF BEAUTIFULLADIES OUT HERE.

THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING TO ALWAYS TO BE A BEAUTIFUL LADY

AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY. THAT'S IMPORTANT.

LIKE HOW MANY BREAST MEN WE HAVE?

BREAST MEN? BREAST-- YEAH. LIKE THE BREAST?

YEAH. SEE I DON'T REALLY LIKE TO SAY BREAST.

YOU KNOW BREAST IS CHICKEN, I DON'T REALLY WANT A BREAST.

I-- YEAH, YOU MESS AROUND AND GET THE BIRD FLU.

YOU DON'T REALLY WANNA BE KISSIN' ON A BREAST. I LIKE A NICE TA-TA.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO CALL 'EM, A TA-TA.

BUT I LIKE A TA-TA THAT IS CONFIDENT

AND KNOW WHO IT IS AS A TA-TA, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE A TA-TA,

THEY'LL TRICK YOU INSIDE THE BRA, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE THEY GOT GOOD BRAS NOW AND THEY LOOK SO CONFIDENT.

BUT THEN YOU POP THE BRA OFF

AND YOU FIND OUT THAT TA-TA GOT LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

YOU LIKE, "WELL, I BE DAMNED.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE LITTLE TA-TA?"

YOU TRY TO CHEER IT UP.YOU KNOW YOU BECOME LIKETIMMY AND LASSIE.

YOU KNOW, YOU LIKE "WHAT'S WRONG,

WHAT'S WRONG, LITTLE TA-TA? COME BACK, COME BACK!"

AND IT JUST FALL BACK DOWN. BE LIKE "I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

"I'VE HAD TWO KIDS. I DON'T HAVE TO STAND UP NO MORE.

I'VE SERVED MY TA-TA TIME."

EVERYBODY HAD THEIR DADDY? EVERYBODY HAD THEY DADDY.

YEAH. I DID NOT-- YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

EVERYBODY HAD THEY DADDY 'CAUSE I DID NOT HAVE A DADDY.

I WANTED A DADDY. WELL, I HAD A DADDY THAT HAD WITH MY MAMA,

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE HIM EVERYDAY. YOU KNOW, IN A--

I USED TO ASK MY MAMA. LIKE, "MAMA, WHERE MY DAD AT?"

AND SHE BE LIKE, "I'M YOUR MAMA AND YOUR DADDY."

YOU BE LIKE, "WHOA. YOU CAN'T BE BOTH OF 'EM.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT BOTH OF 'EM."

YOU KNOW THAT'S AMAZIN'IF YOU ARE TWO PEOPLE

AT ONE TIME. BUT IT'S COOL HAVIN' A SINGLE MAMA.

YOU KNOW, SINGLE MAMAS HOLD ON TOO LONG, YOU KNOW.

MY MAMA USED TO STILL TRY TO COME IN THE BATHROOM

AND TAKE US A BATH. AND WE WAS 14.

WE BE LIKE "WHOA. MAMA,I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULDBE IN HERE NO MORE.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO PRESS CHARGES

ABOUT THIS, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE..."

YEAH, SHE BE LIKE, "I JUST WANNA WASH YOUR BACK."

YOU BE LIKE, "NO, I'M MATURE. YOU CAN'T BE IN HERE NO MORE.

"THIS IS A MICHAEL JACKSON MOMENT OR SOMETHIN'.

'CAUSE I THINK YOU'RE TRYIN' TO TOUCH ME."

BUT NAH, IT'S DIFFERENT. I MEAN, MY MAMA HAD FOUR KIDS

AND DIDN'T NONE OF US HAVE THE SAME DADDY.

AND THAT'S A LITTLE TRICKY RIGHT THERE, YOU KNOW,

WHEN YOU GET A LITTLE OLDER, YOU GOTTA ASK YOUR MAMA

QUESTIONS ABOUTHER CHILDHOOD, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE WE BE LIKE,"MAMA, DIDN'T NONE OF USHAVE THE SAME DADDY?"

AND SHE BE LIKE, "WHAT'S IT TO YOU?" YOU KNOW.

AND WE BE LIKE,"WHOA. YOU KNOW,

I THINK YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A HO, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

AND THE ONLY THING ABOUT HAVIN' DIFFERENT DADDIES,

THE KIDS HAD DIFFERENT FEATURES.'CAUSE LIKE AS A CHILD,

I WANTED LIKE WAVES IN HAIR, LIKE NICE LITTLE WAVES,

'CAUSE MY BROTHER AND THEM, THEY HAD WAVES IN THEIR HEAD.

AND I WAS LIKE, "MAMA, WHY YOU DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM

TWO TIMES, YOU KNOW, GIVE ME A CHANCE TO GET MY WAVES,"

'CAUSE EVIDENTLY MY DADDY DID NOT HAVE GOOD HAIR?

'CAUSE I DID, I WANTED NICE LITTLE WAVES.

AND THEN THE S-CURL CAME OUT.

AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS MY BIG BREAK.

THAT'S LIKE A LITTLE RELAXER THAT MAKE YOUR HAIR CURL UP.

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE THAT KIND OF HAIR THAT WOULD TAKE

THE S-CURL, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE MY MAMA WENT AND BOUGHT IT

BUT SHE DIDN'T EVEN READ THE DIRECTIONS OR NOTHIN'.

SHE JUST SAID, "PUT IT IN YOUR HEAD."

AND SHE STARTED PUTTIN' IT IN MY HEAD AND YOU KNOW,

ABOUT 30 MINUTES IN I WAS LIKE, "MAMA,

IT'S TINGLIN' A LITTLE BIT. YOU PROBABLY NEED TO TAKE IT OUT."

AND SHE BE LIKE, "LEAVE IT IN. YOU AIN'T GOT THAT KINDA HAIR.

IT AIN'T TOOK YETIN YOUR HEAD," YOU KNOW.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY,"'CAUSE THAT'S YOUR MAMA.

BUT ABOUT 45 MINUTES IN, I WAS LIKE,

"MAMA, I DON'T THINK I DON'T WANT NO WAVE MY WHOLE HEAD HOT.

I THINK I'M GONNA FALL OUT. I THINK I'M GONNA FALL OUT.

AND MY BROTHER WAS LIKE"YOU DON'T PUT WAVES INYOUR HEAD LIKE THAT.

"YOU GOTTA PUT LITTLE MURRAY GREASE IN YOUR HAIR.

THAT'S SOME THICK GREASE THAT YOU PUT IN YOUR HAIR

AND YOU BRUSH IT DOWN REAL GOOD." AND HE'S LIKE

"YOU'LL HAVE SOME WAVES IN THE MORNIN'",

AND I WAS LIKE, "REALLY?"

SO I WENT AND GOT THE LITTLE MURRAY GREASE.

AND IT'S THICK SO IT DON'T DISSOLVE.

HE DIDN'T TELL ME IT DON'T DISSOLVE.

SO I LOOKED LIKE A LITTLE OLD MAN, YOU KNOW,

HAIR JUST GRAY,TRYIN' TO GET THE WAVES.

AND THEN I GET THE BRUSH, AND I BRUSH IT DOWN REAL GOOD.

AND HE'S LIKE, "WELL, GO CUT OFF MAMA'S STOCKING'S

AND TIE THAT REAL TIGHT AND YOU'LL HAVE SOME WAVES."

BUT HE DIDN'T TELL ME WHAT PART OF THE STOCKING'S TO CUT OFF.

SO I GO GET MY MAMAGOOD CHURCH STOCKING'S.

AND I CUT THE LITTLE CROTCH PART,

'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I WANT SOME BIG WAVES."

AND I TIE IT REAL TIGHT ON MY HEAD.

AND I'M THINKIN' WAVES GONNA COME IN THE MORNIN'.

WAVES GONNA COME IN THE MORNIN'.BUT I DIDN'T MAKE IT TO MORNIN'.

'CAUSE 'BOUT THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, I WAS LIKE, "MMM."

I WAS LIKE, "WAVES STINK, I DON'T THINK I WANT NO WAVES."

I WAS LIKE, "WAVES SMELL LIKE [BLEEP].

I DON'T KNOW WAVES SMELL LIKE [BLEEP]."

AND I WAKE UP AND I'M JUST SWEATIN',

MY WHOLE FACE SMELL LIKE [BLEEP], YOU KNOW?

AND I GO WAKE MY MAMA UP. "MAMA, MY FACE STINK."

SHE BE LIKE, "WELL, GO IN THERE AND WASH IT."

AND I BE LIKE, "WELL, I THINK YOU NEED TO GET UP, TOO,

'CAUSE I THINK WE BOTH GOIN' THROUGH SOMETHIN' RIGHT NOW,"

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE-- YEAH, THIS IS NOT GOOD RIGHT HERE, YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN EXFOLIATE [BLEEP] OUT YOUR FACE.

I DON'T KNOW THAT.

YEAH. THAT'S NOT GOOD WHEN YOUR MAMA [BLEEP]

HAS SOAKED IN YOUR SKIN.THAT'S NOT GOOD.

AND I STILL AIN'T GOT NO WAVES, THAT'S ALL I'M SAYIN'.

THAT STILL DIDN'T WORK OUT GOOD.

I APPRECIATE THAT. I APPRECIATE IT.

THAT'S A-- THAT'S A HARD WORD TO SAY, YOU KNOW?

JUST, YEAH, WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, THAT'S A HARD JOB.

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE CLOCKIN' IN AND CLOCKIN' OUT, YOU KNOW.

PEOPLE SAY, "HOW YOU STAY MARRIED?

AND I SAY, "WELL,I JUST KEEP GOIN' HOME."

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH HOW YOU STAY RIGHT THERE.

'CAUSE THE DAY YOU DON'T GO HOME, IT'S PRETTY MUCH OVER.

SO YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE THERE NO MORE.

BUT THEY CALL MARRIAGE "SETTLIN' DOWN."

YOU GONNA SETTLE DOWN AND START A FAMILY.

IT'S NOT SETTLIN' DOWN. MARRIAGE IS VERY UNSETTLING.

IT'S NOT A VERY SETTLING SITUATION.

YOU SETTLE A LOSS OF-- YOU KNOW--

YOU ON TRIAL IN MARRIAGE, PRETTY MUCH,

'CAUSE EVERYTHING IS A QUESTION.

"HOW LONG YOU GONNA BE GONE? WHAT YOU WANT TO EAT?

HOW DOES THIS LOOK ON ME?" YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWERS

TO NONE OF THESE QUESTIONS, YOU KNOW?

YOU BE LIKE, "IT LOOK LIKE IT LOOK.

YOU KNEW HOW YOU BE LOOKIN' BEFORE YOU PUT IT ON."

YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

BUT IT'S A PARTNERSHIP,YOU KNOW?

THAT'S WHY IT'S A PARTNERSHIP.

AND THE KEY THING TO REMEMBER, THAT YOUR WIFE IS YOUR PARTNER.

THAT'S YOUR DOLL. THAT'S YOUR HOME GIRL.

'CAUSE MY WIFE TOLD ME, "WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL

I WANTED TO BE A HOUSEWIFE." AND I BE LIKE, "WHOA.

"I'M GLAD YOU GREW OUTTA THAT

"'CAUSE THAT IS NOT THE TYPE OF PARTNER I'M LOOKIN' FOR

"RIGHT THERE AT ALL. YOU KNOW, I WANT A PARTNER

THAT'S AMBITIOUS AND KNOW WHAT SHE WANNA DO WITH HER LIFE."

YOU KNOW, YEAH, 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT NO WOMAN THAT DON'T WANNA WORK.

'CAUSE PEOPLE SAY, "YOU WANT A HOUSE--"

THAT'S AN INSECURE MAN THAT DON'T WANT HIS WOMAN TO WORK.

YEAH, LET HE GO TO WORK. TWO CHECKS IS BETTER THAN ONE,

THAT'S HOW I LOOK AT IT. THAT'S SEXY WHEN A LADY SAY,

"PUT THAT ON MY CARD." AND I BE LIKE, "YEAH,

PUT THAT ON HER CARD. YEAH, I LIKE THAT."

BUT YOU GOTTA KEEP A FIRE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

HOW YOU KEEP, YOU KNOW YOURLITTLE FIRE IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

YOU GOTTA DO THELITTLE ROMANTIC THINGS,

YOU KNOW LIKE SOMETIMES ME AND MY WIFE,

WE'LL RENT AN ADULT VIDEO, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE WE GROWN.

WE HAVE PRETTY MUCH PAID OUR DUES.

AND I LIKE IT 'CAUSE IT'S JUST US

'CAUSE IT'S ABILLION-DOLLAR INDUSTRY.

SO I KNOW IT AIN'T JUST ME WHO RENT TAPES, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE I AIN'T GOT THAT KINDA MONEY.

SO IT'S OTHER PEOPLE ARE PARTICIPATIN' IN THIS.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT ADULT VIDEO.

LIKE WHEN YOU WAS A CHILD, YOU RENTED CHILDREN VIDEO.

YOU WATCHED CHILDREN VIDEOS. YOU LEARNT LITTLE STUFF.

IT WAS EDUCATIONAL.AND YOU HAD LITTLE SONGSAND EVERYTHING.

SO THAT'S LIKE AN ADULT VIDEO IS EDUCATIONAL.

YOU GOT LITTLE SONG. YEAH, YOU GOT LITTLE--

YOU BE LIKE, "I LIKE THAT SONG," YOU KNOW?

BUT YOU DO. SOMETIMES YOU LEARN STUFF ON AN ADULT VIDEO

THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY HAD STARTED YET.

'CAUSE I WAS WATCHIN' ONE TIME AND THE LITTLE DUDE,

HE WAS JUST STANDIN' THERE IN THE NUDE.

AND THE LADY CAME IN AND SHE BE LIKE,

"DO YOU WANT ME TO JIGGLE YOUR LITTLE BUDDIES?"

AND I BE LIKE, "WHOA, WHAT IS JIGGLIN' YOUR LITTLE BUDDIES?"

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I HAVE NEVER HAD THAT DONE TO ME AT ALL.

BUT I FIGURED THAT WOULD BESOMETHIN' THAT WOULD INTEREST ME

RIGHT THERE. AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"YEAH, I'M GONNA JIGGLEYOUR LITTLE BUDDIES."

AND SHE JUST STARTED-- LITTLE BUDDIES I FOUND OUT

WAS THE LITTLE-- YOUR LITTLE FAMILY JEWELS.

AND SHE JUST STARTED JIGGLIN' THE LITTLE BUDDIES.

AND EVIDENTLY, IT FEEL GOOD 'CAUSE THE MAN WAS LIKE,

"OH! OH! THAT FEELS GREAT!"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA. THAT MUST FEEL GREAT.

I WANT MY LITTLE BUDDIESJIGGLED TOO," YOU KNOW?

AND I LOOK OVER AT MY WIFE, AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"I AIN'T JIGGLIN' YOUR LITTLE BUDDIES.

I AIN'T-- FORGET ABOUT IT. I DON'T PLAY THAT GAME."

AND I WAS LIKE, "SEE, YOU'RE NOT A TEAM PLAYER.

"YOU'RE NOT A TEAM PLAYER. YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT

WITH THAT KINDA ATTITUDE RIGHT THERE," YES?

I BE LIKE, "I SEEN THE TAPE, I JIGGLE MY OWN LITTLE BUDDIES.

I JIGGLE MY OWN LITTLE BUDDIES.

IT'S A NICE LITTLE ACTIVITYIF YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' TO DO."

I DAMN NEAR GOT A HERNIA, BUT IT FELT GREAT, YOU KNOW?

I WAS LIKE, "I GOTTA GET SOME MORE TRAININ'

'CAUSE THIS IS NOT GOIN' LIKE HE WAS ENJOYIN' HISSELF."

BUT THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING TO DO.

LIKE I LIKE TO TAKE A BATH WITH YOU WOMAN.

I THINK THAT'S A GOOD LITTLE ACTIVITY TO DO, TAKE A BATH.

BUT MY WIFE DON'T NEVER HAD A PROPER BATH STUFF.

YOU KNOW NO BUBBLE BATHOR NOTHIN' LIKE THAT.

LIKE SHE PUT DISH DETERGENT IN THE WATER.

ONE TIME SHE PUT LIKE WASHIN' POWDER IN THE WATER.

AND I WAS LIKE, BOO, YOU CAN'TPUT WASHIN' POWDER IN THE WATER

'CAUSE THAT'S TOO GRITTYRIGHT THERE, YOU KNOW.

I HAD MY ASS ITCHIN'FOR FOUR DAYS, YOU KNOW TRYIN'--

LIKE I THINK I GOT AN ASS RASH.

THAT'S NOT GOOD RIGHT THERE. BUT WE WAS COOL,

'CAUSE THAT'S YOUR BOO, YOUR IN THE WATER, YOU KNOW.

AND ONE TIME, WE WERE IN THE FRONT AND I'M IN THE BACK.

AND SHE HAD PUT THE WASHING POWDER.

BUT THE WASHIN' POWDER DON'T KEEP BUBBLES REAL LONG.

SO THEY HAD DISSOLVED ALREADY. AND I'M LAYIN' ON HER STOMACH.

AND I LOOK DOWN AND I SEEN LITTLE BUBBLES

JUST STILL POPPIN' UP IN THE WATER.

AND I BE LIKE, "WHOA,THOSE DOES NOT LOOK LIKEWASHIN' POWDER BUBBLES."

AND SHE BE LIKE,"YOU'RE PUTTIN' TOO MUCHPRESSURE ON MY STOMACH."

YOU KNOW, AND PRESSURE'SNOT GOOD IN THE WATER

'CAUSE THAT'S THE BUBBLES. SHE LIKE, "I GOTTA GET OUT."

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, YOU GOTTA GET OUT 'CAUSE THIS AIN'T WORKIN'

LIKE I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA WORK."

AND SHE GET OUTTA THE TUB AND I'M THINKIN'

SHE GONNA GO LAY DOWNOR SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT.

BUT SHE GONNA SIT RIGHT ON THE TOILET

WHILE I'M STILL IN THE WATER.

AND I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T THINKTHIS IS PROTOCOL.

"I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO THIS WHILE I'M STILL IN THE WATER.

WE AIN'T BEEN TOGETHER THAT LONG."

AND SHE JUST LOOKIN' AT ME.

AND I'M LIKE, "QUIT LOOKIN' AT ME.

I DON'T WANT YOULOOKIN' AT ME."

AND SO I TURNED MY HEAD, AND I'M THINKIN' SHE GONNA LEAVE THE BATHROOM NOW.

I HEAR THE TOILET FLUSH. BUT SHE GO AND JUMP RIGHT BACK IN THE WATER.

I'M LIKE, "OH, HELL, NO.YOU CAN'T JUST JUMP BACK

IN THE WATER LIKE THAT AND PUT YOUR HAND ON PEOPLE."

I DON'T MIND PUTTIN' UPWITH PEOPLE'S [BLEEP],

BUT I'M NOT GONNA DO IT LIKE THAT.

THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE FOR ME RIGHT THERE.

YOU KNOW, I LIKE TO TRY TO GO TO CHURCH NOW, YOU KNOW.

BUT CHURCH IS LIKE GOIN' TO A CONCERT.

YOU KNOW, IT AIN'T-- YEAH, LIKE IT USED TO BE.

YOU KNOW THEY GOT IT ON TV. AND THEY BE LIKE IN ARENAS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S SOLD OUT.THEY GOT RATING'S.

YOU BE LIKE, "I DON'T THINK WE IN THE GOOD RATING'S.

WE AIN'T GETTING GOOD RATINGS,

SO I CAN'TCOME BACK HERE AT ALL."

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I WENTTO CHURCH ONE SUNDAY

AT LIKE ONE OF THEM LITTLE MEGA CHURCHES.

IT WAS KINDA LIKE THIS. AND THEY HAD THE BIG BUCKETS

WHERE THEY WERE COLLECTIN' MONEY.

AND THE PREACHER BE LIKE"GOD HAS PUT ON MY HEART

THAT PEOPLE ARE GONNA BRING DOWN $10,000 CHECKS."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA, THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN."

BUT EVIDENTLY,GOD PUT IT ON HIS HEART.

SO PEOPLE START RUNNIN' DOWN THE AISLE WITH $10,000 CHECKS.

AND HE WAS LIKE, "GOD PUT ON MY HEART

THAT PEOPLE ARE GONNA BRING $10,000 CHECKS TO AISLES."

AND PEOPLE STARTED RUNNIN' WITH $10,000 CHECKS. AND HE STOPPED AT $100,

AND I WAS STILL JUST SITTIN' IN MY SEAT.

YOU KNOW I BE LIKE, "WELL, HEY PASTOR,

DID GOD PUT A DOLLAR ON YOUR HEART, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S ON MY HEART."

SO EVIDENTLY THIS IS NOT THE CHURCH FOR ME AT ALL, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE YOU DO, YOU GOTTA LEARN THIS STUFF.

LIKE I WENT TO CHURCH ONE TIME, THEY HAVE A $10, YOU KNOW.

AND I TRY TO EXPLAIN TO THE MAN WHEN HE CAME AROUND

DOIN' HIS LITTLE OFFERIN' THING, I BE LIKE,

"I AIN'T GOT BUT $10. AND I'M GONNA PUT A DOLLAR IN,

AND I'M GONNA NEED MY $9 CHANGE."

AND HE WAS LIKE, "OKAY, COOL, MY BROTHER."

SO THE PREACHER WAS THERE PREACHIN'

AND HE HAD WENT AWAY WITH THE LITTLE OFFERIN' PLATE.

AND I WAS STILL SITTIN' THERE AND I WAS COOL.

BUT THEN THE PREACHER SAID SOMETHIN' THAT THREW ME.

HE WAS LIKE, "IF OUR MIND'S CLEAR WE CAN ADJOURN."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA.WE CAN'T ADJOURN WITH MY MONEY,"

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE LIKE THAT.

SO I'M STILL SITTIN' THERE,AND I WAS COOL.

MY MAMA LOOKED AT ME AND SAID "DON'T YOU SAY NOTHIN'."

I SAID,"I GOTTA SAY SOMETHIN'.

I CAN'T JUST LET HIM LEAVE WITH MY MONEY."

SO I FELT THE SPIRITCOME OVER ME, YOU KNOW?

SO I STOOD UP AND TESTIFIED. I JUST JUMPED OUT OF MY SEAT.

I WAS LIKE, "A-MAN!" AND THE PREACHER SAID,

"SAY IT, YOUNG BROTHER, SAY IT!" I SAID, "A-MAN!"

THE PREACHER SAID, "SAY IT, YOUNG BROTHER, SAY IT."

I SAY, "A-MAN. WHERE THE HELL MY CHANGE AT?"

HE BE LIKE, "YOUNG MAN, YOU GOIN' TO HELL FOR THAT."

I SAID, "WELL, I AIN'T GOIN' BROKE, PASTOR. I AIN'T GOIN' BROKE."

HEY, I APPRECIATE Y'ALL, MAN. OUT OF TIME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. APPRECIATE IT. THANK YOU.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Service www.mCCaption.com

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