Pulp Comics: Caroline Rhea

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 08/24/1997

Caroline Rhea shares stories about her parents’ stunning naivete.

New York.

How are you?

Prepare to love me.

Oh, this is going to be great.

I can feel it right now.

Do you feel it?

>> Yeah!

>> Oh, my God.


This is incred--look.

Everybody's here.

How are you?

And you had to--

[laughs] Over here.

Everybody's hanging out.

And the math team and the models

together finally.

Finally they've buried the


All right.


Women are always looking for men

that don't exist.

You got a boyfriend there, miss?

You don't have one.

Let me tell you why, okay?

It's nothing you're doing.

Women always want opposites

in one man.

"I want an outdoorsy guy

who's hilarious."


He's outdoorsy and hilarious.

But if you combined those two

things, you would not like it.

Rodeo clowns, okay, I'm telling


They're outdoorsy, hilarious,

alcoholic, and wanted.

Then there's always the girl,

"I just want a nice guy who

will give and give and give and

not want sex in return."

I actually know this guy.

He exists.

His name's Grandpa, all right?


And he has your nose, all right?

I only have one grandpa.

We call him Grandpa Alive.



I used t

>> I'm glad to be here.

I travel a lot.

I hate traveling, I guess 'cause

my dad used to beat me with a


Now, my dad was a tough man.

He never let me have

anything fun like fireworks.

Who didn't love fireworks?

Come on, raise your hook hands

so we can see you.

Let's get it out.

You know what we had?

You know what we had?


Sparklers, that's all we had.

Sparklers are the gay cousin of

the firework family.

I think a flashlight is more

dangerous than a sparkler.

My friends got M80s, bottle

rockets, sticks of dynamite.

They're blowing stuff up, having


I'm walking around like the

Special Olympic torch boy.

I'm like, "Uh, hey, everybody,

how's it going?"

Planes are landing on me,

I tell yous.

Music, everybody likes music.

Who doesn't, right?

What do you think of that,

Michael Bolton?

What do you think of her?

Do you like her?

She's not that good.

That guy is too [...]damn

sensitive, all right?

I'm telling you.


And I'm an East Coast gangster.

But I'm telling you, that guy is

too sensitive.

I listened to a Michael Bolton

tape, I got my period.

I don't know how it happened.

But I was bloated and moody,

cranky, eating Yoplaits,

watching my story.

I had a dream I was trapped in

an elevator with Michael Bolton,

Kenny G, and Yanni.

And I had a gun with one bullet.

Now, what do you do?

I blew my head off.

That's what I did, because

[imitates sax music].


Everybody gets lonely, right?

Some of us are lonely right now.

We all get lonely.

The other night I had the lonely

bug, right?

So I go out to this bar.

I see this beautiful woman


I'm thinking, "She's alone.

I'm alone.

Why not annoy her?"

So I walk over.

It took me a bit, 'cause I'm

wearing clogs.

I walk over, and she's drinking

my favorite drink, a lot.

So a couple of McNuggets later,

we're back at my place, and

we're having sex doggie style.

Now, I didn't plan on it.

That's just how she passed out,

all right?


What, am I going to wake the


I'm a gentleman.

Oh, back at you.

It's my show.

Fellas, have you ever had the

experience of a woman yelling

another man's name out

in the height of passion?

Well, this wo--

Well, this woman--


Well, this woman was yelling out

names of men who have never


She's like, "Oh, Magoo.

Give it to me, Santa.

Oh, Aquaman.

Don't stop, Papa Smurf."

And I'm thinking, "Is she crazy,

or is she just looking at my



But you got to look good for the


You hear me, huh, huh?

You got to look good for the

women, I swear.

You got to be in shape.

That's right.

I'm in terrible shape.

Oh, my God.

I need a nap after I fart.

Are you with me?

'Cause it's true.

I go to the gym.

You know what they have there?

Two-pound weights.

Two-pound weights.

How weak do you have to be

for two-pound weights?

And how did you get in the gym?

How did you even open the door?

That's what I want to know.

Help. Help.

I--uh--ooh, feel the burn.

Oh, I have one of these at home.


Two-pound weights, what's your


To pump up and open your mail?

I don't get it.

Let's talk

I used to do a lot of drugs.

But that was way back there.

Now, I did acid

with my friend Terry.

He's a little man that lives in

my eyebrow, and, um,

we went to play miniature golf.

Now, miniature golf on acid, you

know, I'm walking around all

acided out.

I thought I was the king of that

little town.

I was like, "Hello."

Hello, people.

Putt-putt, people, please."

I should do some sports like

bungee jumping.

Everybody's bungee jumping now.

I asked this young kid, let's

call him Toby out of Seattle.

I go, "Toby, why do you

bungee jump?"

He's like, "Well, to get the

feeling of falling to my death

and snapping back at the last


"Really, have you ever heard of

tequila shots?

Have you ever heard of that?"

really hot model.

Just play along, all right?

And, um,

it wasn't really a date date.

You know, we just ate dinner,

saw a movie, then the plane




There's a lot of beautiful women

here tonight, and I'd love to

take two of you home and just

get you all high and watch you

both have sex while I videotape


Wait a minute.

I meant, "Would you like to go

for a gelato?"

[fake laugh]

Guys like me never get girls in

the movies, right?

You never see a guy like me

with a girl.

All right, we get them.

Then someone unties them,

you know what I'm saying?

I want that movie love, you

know, where you meet on the

street, and it's love at first


And she loves you too, so it's

not stalking, you know what I'm

talking about?

>> Jill.

>> Dave.

>> Are you thinking what I'm


>> Six times.

Who doesn't like porno here?

Come on, really?

I love porno movies.

Some people are against them.

What's that?

That's a knowing laugh.

Over here, what's up there?

What's up there, lollipop?

Yeah, you like a porno, do you?

Get that guy out of here.

All right, he's destroying


I like porno movies.

I'll watch one every now and

again and again and again.

I don't see anything

wrong with it.

The embarrassing thing is being

caught watching a porno movie,


So you put it on another channel

real quick.

Now you're sitting there with no

pants and lubricant watching

How to Build a Ladder.

Oh, my God.

One time my own father caught me

watching a porno movie.

The one thing you never want to

hear in that situation is,

"Son, move over."


Thank you very much.