Jesse Popp covers everything from surviving life without health insurance to his true feelings about "Star Wars," Guinness World Records and the moon landing conspiracy.
One of my favorite things
is when people bragabout what they would do
in a hypothetical situationthat will never happen.
Uh, I was at a bar,and this guy was talking to me.
And he said to me, he goes,
"Man, you know what, man?
If I ever met the president,wouldn't even shake his hand."
Wow, that is pretty badass.
How are you goingto meet the president?
Is he going to do like, uh,whistlestop tour
on the Coors LightSilver Bullet Train?
Maybe give youthe Congressional Medal
of having your own pool cue.
They're very prestigious.
It's like,"Man, you know what, man?"
"If I ever playedthe Harlem Globetrotters,
I'd focus on the fundamentals."
"Box him out!Hit your free throws!"
I saw they came out with a newversion of Huckleberry Finn,
the book where they,
they take outall of the "N" words
and replace itwith the word "slave."
So, now, Huck's friend will beknown as Slave Jim in the book.
Uh, why not just call him Jim?
That seems like...
"Hey, Jim, how's it going?"
"Ah, pretty good.Win some, lose some."
"How are you?""I'm all right. See ya, Jim."
Seems like an easier fix to me.
Uh, I guess, but they saidthey changed this
so they can start teaching itin schools again.
I don't knowwhat that's teaching children.
Now they're going togo home and be like,
"Grandpa, that's racist. You'resuppose to call them slaves."
I was at, I saw, um,
I was at the bookstoreand I saw they have, uh,
they have all theJason Bourne novels there.
You guys have seen that,seen the movie, right?
I've seen the movie.The movies are fun.
I've never readone of the books.
I have to imaginethat the movies
aren't faithful adaptationsof the books.
Because I'm not surehow 80% fights and chases
would, uh, read, you know?
If you, get the, it's like,
"And then, Jason Bournepicked up a book
"and hit the guy in the headwith the book.
"And then he started putting itagainst the guy's face
"and started punching the book.
"But then the guy picked upa knife and that way...
Now, they're in the bathroom.Uh..."
"That guy picked up a knife
"and then Jason Bournepicked up a towel.
"Is he fighting backagainst a knife with a towel?
"Did the governmenttrain Jason Bourne
"to fight back againsta knife with a towel?
"That's what he's stilltrying to find out.
"'Where's Bourne?!Get me Bourne!'
"said the guy in the roomwhere everybody's typing.
"Now Jason Bourneis on a motorcycle.
And he just popped thiscrazy wheelie. Look out!"
Books are for nerds.
Fellas, a word to the wise:
if you're going to buy a bookon how to pick up chicks,
just please,check the copyright date.
You don't want to wind up likeme, lean against a lamppost
flipping a quarter all night.
Call them dames, smackin' them.
They don't care for thatanymore. Uh...
I got a check in the mailfor $100
from my great aunt Noni.
She's like...Oh, did you know her? Cool.
I doubt it because she livesin the woods by herself. Um...
She's like 90-something,
and I didn't knowwhy I got this check,
so I called my momand apparently,
my great aunt Noni had senta hundred dollars to my sister
and my cousinswhen they got married.
And she told my mom, she said,
"I'm just going to send Jessethe hundred dollars now.
Because he's not going to getmarried before I die."
It's fine. I'm okay with it.
I'm talking about it on TV.It's fine. Uh...
And also, like, I mean,and you know,
and if I wait till she dies,there's other red tape.
I'd never see the money.Uh... (chuckles)
But also, like,I've literally seen this lady
like seven or eight timesin my whole life.
Where does she get offsizing up my chances?
It's like, "Jesse, that guy'snever going to get married."
"All he does is open up presentsand hang out at funerals.
Not the settling down type."
"Thank you for the socks.Sorry for your loss."
That's not what the modern womanwants to talk about.
Send him a check.
So I was eavesdroppingon these two dip(bleep). Um...
I wasn't...I didn't start that way.
I was sitting down at this,this coffee shop.
And these two guysstarted talking.
I swear this is verbatim.
I'm going to tell you, these twoguys were talking next to me.
And it starts off,his friend, uh,
he goes, "Dude, you knowwhat pisses me off
more than, like, anything?"
His friend goes, "What?"
"When you see likea seven or an eight
and she's withthis complete tool."
And his friend goes,"Dude, I know."
"Or what about a nine?"
And he just goes, "Dude..."
And I kind of wantedto lean in and be like,
"Well, what about a ten?"
But I didn't.
I didn't want to get chargedwith involuntary manslaughter
when they spontaneouslycombusted
at the thought ofa tool with a ten.
Actually, I wish I had knownthey were going to be there.
I'd have my friends sit down,
and he would say,"What about a ten?"
Then I would walk by with bothof their moms on my arms.
And be like,"Or what about two fives!"
"Or what about two...
People ask me howI got into stand-up.
And what happened was,back, uh...
back when I was in college,
I'd wake upand I'd go to class
and I'd get coffeefrom this vending machine.
And this paper cup would dropdown and fill all the way up
to the top with thissuper hot coffee.
But there's no lid.And the cup was really thin.
So, no matter what I did,the whole way to class
I was just burning the hellout of my hand, right?
I was like, "Ah! Ah!"
Every morning for months,for months.
So, finally, finallyI just dropped out.
Here I am. Uh...
I pay cash at the dentist.
I haven't had heath insurancein nine and a half years,
which sounds stupid,
but if you make it to ten,you win a free x-ray machine.
I hope. Uh...
Actually,I had to go to doctor recently.
I didn't know,I didn't know what it was.
Turns out that it was allergies,but at first,
I woke up one dayand I had a rash.
I was covered--this rash all over my body.
And I went to thishole-in-the-wall doctor.
The placewas actually called Docs.
I walk in and I asked thedoctor, I go, "What is this?"
He goes, "Huh, I don't know."
Then he goes, "Tell you what,I'm going to write you
a prescription.If it doesn't work,
You're going to haveto see somebody else."
And he charged me $200,and then...
I did have to see somebody else.
And I was so mad,I Googled this guy
and I found out wherehe went to medical school.
This is true, this guy went
to the Autonomous Universityof Guadalajara.
The Autonomous Universityof Guadalajara.
And listen, I'm no xenophobe.
And I'm not sayingyou got to go to Harvard
or Johns Hopkinsto get a load of me.
I'm just saying, you know,maybe go to a school
that I've heard of beforeor that sounds real.
Or doesn't have the word"autonomous" in it.
Autonomous Universityof Guadalajara.
Is this a place you go whenyour scores aren't good enough
for theCancun Fixie People Place.
You're like,"Yeah, I graduated from
"Autonomous Universityof Guadalajara.
"Then I, uh, did my residencyover at Mi Casa Su Hospital.
"It's kind of a hut onthe side of an active volcano.
"We, we got a lot of patients.
"Uh, pretty, pretty standardstuff though, uh...
"Lava burns, uh...
"We got a lot of donkey bites.
"You know, it's funny,when I first moved here
"and opened up my practice,I just thought
"everything was donkey bites.
"I'd say sounds likeyou got donkey bites!
"You don't have a donkey?Well, how do you get
up and down the volcano?"
This is what I'd say.
It's been a dreamof mine
to get my name into The Guinness Book of World Records.
And, uh, it's a pretty big book.
I always figured there had to bea couple easy ones in there
that have maybe slipped throughthe cracks that I can do.
Like, uh, like you know, likeMost Part Irish. Or...
Two Weeks withoutEating Vegetables.
Something. But then I finallyread the whole book.
And they're all hard.The whole book is very hard.
World records, I saw one.This is a real record.
A guy won for Most Unusual Diet.
He has the record forThe Most Unusual Diet
because he can eat airplanes.
He ate an airplane.
And now he has the recordfor Most Unusual Diet.
I don't know, man.
I just hope, uh,
I just hope Al Qaeda doesn't geta hold of this guy.
You know, you're on your flightone day, you look over,
he's like... (grunting)
(grunts)I should have started
with the seats.
Calm down! Calm down!I filled up on seats.
For the next 20 years,no one can go to the gate
with a napkin tucked into their collar.
We're a nation of fearmongers.(chuckles)
(isolated clap)This guy wants to...
That guy cheered for wanting
to walk through the gatewith a napkin in his collar.
That's, uh, like, "Finally!"Uh...
I think, uh,
I think if Elvis did fakehis own death, um...
by now, he's probablydead anyway, I think.
Because it didn't...I don't see that guy
pulling through to present day.
Because back when I was a kid,it was always on the news.
People thought thatthey were seeing him.
It didn't sound like he hadgotten his act together.
You know, it'd be like,"I saw Elvis at a bar."
"I saw Elvis in a truck stopeating pancakes."
You know, nobody ever saw him,like, making a salad
or pricing outNordic Tracks or something.
That guy died in the woodsin 1985. That's, uh...
That's a best case scenario.
the belief thatwe didn't land on the moon,
that we faked the moon mission,
which, I like, becauseit's 40 years ago.
And it still drives them crazy.
They're furious. They say,"We never landed on the moon.
It's a conspiracy, and it goesall the way to the top!"
All right, let's say that,that we did fake it.
Like, what's the craziest thingthat happened?
Like, maybe we ticked offthe Russians.
Maybe Neil Armstronggot laid a few more times.
Let's face it, come closingtime, that moon credit
really gets your footin the door.
In fact, that's the only reasonthat you could get mad.
Like, if Neil Armstrong had sexwith your girlfriend,
then you can dissect the footage and be like,
"Honey, look at this.Look at this."
"The flag moves.He puts the flag on the moon,
"but it's wavingand it's moving.
"But, and you can't, there'sno stars in the picture.
"You can't see any stars.You know why?
"Because you're a whore.Because...
"...out of townfor three days...
and you're porking astronauts."
You're off the softball team.
Uh, there are
some racist people there.Um...
The way that you can tellis if they have
Confederate flag license plates,
even though it's aUnion territory. Uh...
But it won't just be aConfederate flag,
it'll be like aConfederate flag and a deer.
Or like a Confederate flagand a guy fishing.
So it's kind of likethem saying,
"You know, I like to hunt.
"But also, I'm racist.
"Just so you know...
as I'm driving past you."Uh...
So I was talking to this guyand he goes,
"Man, white boys like mecan't go to Detroit."
And I used to live in Detroit.So I said,
"You know, I'm a white boy likeyou. I used to live there.
I think you'll be fine."And he goes,
"Oh, yeah? Well, not if I tookmy gun and wore stars and bars."
And I was like, well,that's probably true.
But, uh, is that your beef?
That you can't go in theredressed up like their archenemy?
Is that really the problem?
Like, you know, it's like,
"So I, you know,so I went in to Applebee's
"in my Friday's uniform
"and I was kicking over thetables and pissing on stuff.
"And they're like, 'Hey, whatgives? Get out of here.'
So you know, there goesthe neighborhood." Um...
and I don't want to offendanyone, but it's something
that's been on my mind and Ifeel like it needs to be said.
let's be done with Star Wars.
No more Star Wars.
these people, I-I can't...
I watch it and it's okay.
But then, it just keeps goingand going and going.
Like, what happened after?What happened before?
What happened in the middleif it was a cartoon?
What happenedif it was Monopoly?
I get, I mean, Star Wars fansare getting to be like
the people who, like,when their dog dies,
they stuff it and put itin their living room
and make you keeplooking at it.
They're like, "Look at my dog.We're still best buddies.
"Took out the old eyeballs,put it new eyeballs.
"20 years ago, these eyeballswould have been impossible.
Let's watch my dog again."
I think in 50 years,
George Lucas, it's just going tobe his brain inside of a robot
that says "New ideas for Star Wars movies."
It'll be like,"Chewbacca goes to college."
"Darth Vader loses his wallet."
"Chewbacca goes to college.""We just made that one."
"Make it again!"
"Did you hear they're remakingChewbacca goes to college?"
I'll have to camp outfor that one.
So we can see it on Fridayinstead of Saturday.
Sometimes people camp out, uh,stand out, uh,
and play music for moneyon the street.
And I was walking past this guya little while ago,
and it was this old manand a cowboy hat.
And he was sitting on a crate.
And he had a speaker with himand he flipped a switch.
And it started to playthe music to Ring of Fire.
And he started to singand he sounded exactly
like Johnny Cash.Not a little bit. Exactly.
I had to make surethat he wasn't lip-syncing.
So I thought that was prettycool and I gave him a buck.
But then I noticed that he wasselling CDs for 12 bucks.
That's where he lost me.
I don't see how I benefitfrom buying that.
Like, I play it, you know,for my friends, I'm like,
"Hey, listen to this."
It's like,"Oh, it's Johnny Cash."
"No, it's not Johnny Cash.It's just some guy."
"Oh, I thought it was...Johnny Cash."
"How much did youpay for that?"
"Little bit morethan a Johnny Cash CD."
"Little bit, we had this,though. That's...
You can't put a price on that."
God bless it.
And I was walking aroundand I saw the aisle.
I saw bat houses,these bat houses.
I didn't know what they were
because I had seenbird houses before,
but there's a whole rowof things
called bat houses.They're wooden boxes.
They're called bat...And they have a tag on them.
And the tag says,"100% money back guarantee.
"This bat house will attractbats within two years...
or your money back."
Like, I would love to seehow you try
to get your money back fromthis. You call up, you're like,
"Hi, uh, two years ago...
"I bought a bat house
and there's no...there's no bats in it."
"Where did I put it?I put it in the front yar..."
"Oh, you gotta put itin the back yard. Oh, okay."
"Hi, uh, four years ago...
I bought a bat... Oh, youno longer sell bat houses?"
"What do you...snake apartments?!"