Thursday, January 23, 2014

  • 01/23/2014

Julie Klausner, Horatio Sanz and Jon Daly come up with rejected Grammy categories, get into the heads of American Apparel models and write subject lines for unwanted emails.

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100

POINTS.

THE FIRST FULL TRAILER FOR "300:

RISE OF AN EMPIRE" DROPPED ON

MACHINIMA.COM

IT IS SOMEHOW EVEN MORE AGRO

THAN THE ORIGINAL "300."

AND DUDES ON 'ROIDS COULD NOT

BE MORE EXCITED.

SO WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING REAL

BRO-TWEETS ABOUT THIS CINEMATIC

PEC-STRAVAGANZA GOT THE MOST

FAVES?

IS IT A) "IMA LEAVE THE THEATER

SWEATY AS (BLEEP) AFTER

WATCHING THAT NEW 300 MOVIE."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON A LIMB

AND SAY THAT GUY ENTERED THE

THEATER SWEATY AS (BLEEP).

B) "THESE 300 COMMERCIALS ARE

MAKING ME JIZZ #NOSHAME."

(LAUGHTER)

C) "WATCH THE MOVIE 300 THEN

WATCH THREE NINJAS, LEONITIS

WOULD (BLEEP) THOSE KIDS UP"!

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS A FAIR APPROXIMATION

OF HOW TO SPELL LEONITIS FOR

SOMEONE ON TWITTER.

(LAUGHTER)

YES, WHICH ONE DO YOU GUYS THINK

GOT THE MOST RETWEETS?

JULIE KLAUSNER.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY B BECAUSE

#NOSHAME IS SUCH A POPULAR HASH

TAG THESE DAYS, AM I WRONG?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU ARE NOT WRONG, BUT

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS

ACTUALLY C.

>> OH, NO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> YOU GOT IT WRONG!

NOT RIGHT!

>> Chris: EXCELLENT TAUNTING,

JON DALY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

IT IS TIME TO GO, NO POINTS SO

FAR.

STILL ANYONE'S GAME.

>> POINTLESS GAME!

>> YEAH!

>> POINTLESS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: OKAY.

SNOOP DOGG, SNOOP LION?

SNOOP DOGG, HE'S SNOOP DOG

AGAIN.

ANYWAY, SNOOP DOGG TOOK TIME OUT

OF HIS MARIJUANA CAREER AND RAP

HOBBY TO POST THIS PHOTO WITH A

FAN ON HIS INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT.

NOW, THIS FAN-- WHO WE HAVE

OBSCURED HERE-- DRESSED UP FOR

THE OCCASION.

WHAT WAS HE WEARING TO MEET THE

RAP ICON?

A) A BEANIE MADE OUT OF

MARIJUANA LEAVES WOVEN TOGETHER.

B) THE ORIGINAL SWEATSHIRT SNOOP

WORE IN THE "NOTHING BUT A G

THANG" VIDEO.

OR C) BLACK FACE AND DREADLOCKS?

YES, HORATIO.

>> A BEANIE MADE OUT OF

MARIJUANA LEAVES WOVEN TOGETHER.

>> Chris: NO, UNFORTUNATELY THE

CORRECT ANSWER IS C.

(LAUGHTER)

THERE IT IS.

NOW... NOW...

>> SNOOP IS HAVING THE TIME OF

HIS LIFE.

>> Chris: LET'S ALL JUST TAKE A

MINUTE.

I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT

IT IS OKAY BECAUSE HE IS ASIAN.

SUNDAY AND THEY HAVE LOTS OF

GREAT CATEGORIES LIKE BEST POP

COLLABORATION WITH VOCALS AND

BEST IMPROVISED JAZZ SOLO.

THAT'S A REAL ONE?

YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH

CATEGORIES WHICH IS WHY

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#REJECTEDGRAMMYCATEGORIES.

EXAMPLES OF THESE REJECTED

CATEGORIES WOULD BE BEST NEW

FARTIST, BEST UNSPOKEN

WORD PERFORMANCE, BEST NEW

COUNTRY IN THE EVER CHANGING

MIDDLE EAST.

I AM PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK.

READY, GO.

HORATIO SANZ.

>> BEST GOSPEL ALBUM EVEN THOUGH

GOD DOESN'T EXIST.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS AS WE ARE ALL

DAMNED TO HELL.

JON DALY.

>> THE R. KELLY LIFETIME

ACHIEVEMENT AWARD FOR EMPTIEST

BLADDER PRESENTED BY...

(LAUGHTER)

PRESENTED BY CHUCK BERRY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: OKAY, GOOD, POINTS.

JULIE KLAUSNER.

>> GAYEST MUSICAL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YEAH, THAT WOULD BE--

POINTS!

JON?

>> ALAN THICKE'S RAPIEST SON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

HORATIO.

>> BEST SONG BY GAY FRENCH

ROBOTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: MERCI, POINTS.

JON.

>> THE BRAVEST BACON BROTHERS

BALLAD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: SO THEY'RE THE ONLY

BAND IN THAT CATEGORY?

(BUZZER)

>> OUT OF ALL THE BALLADS.

>> Chris: YOU SHUT UP, BUZZER!

I'M NOT DONE!

>> OUT OF ALL OF THE BACON

BROTHER BALLADS, THEIR BRAVEST.

>> Chris: YEAH, OKAY GOOD.

POINTS FOR THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

APPAREL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HUMANITY, WE HAVE LOOKED INTO

THE COLD ABYSS OF NOTHINGNESS

AND AN AMERICAN APPAREL MODEL

WAS STARING BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

WE ARE GOING TO SHOW YOU A SLIDE

SHOW OF SOME OF THESE DEAD-EYED

HIPSTERS FROM AMERICAN APPAREL'S

BLOG AND FOR 250 POINTS I WOULD

LIKE YOU TO GIVE US THEIR INNER

MONOLOGUE.

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

YES, JULIE KLAUSNER.

>> ONE OF US PEES IN A BOX AND

THE OTHER IS A CAT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS!

NEXT ONE.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU HANG OUT AT

THE TENNIS COURTS?

YES, JON DALY.

>> BELIEVE IT OR NOT I AM

LEANING ON FENCE, I NEVER

THOUGHT I COULD FEEL SO RELAXED.

>> Chris: YES!

NOW, FOR ANY MILLENNIALS OUT

THERE HE IS REFERRING TO ONE OF

THE GREATEST SHOWS EVER, "THE

GREATEST AMERICAN HERO," WILLIAM

KATT.

>> ♪ BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER

THE THEME SONG?

♪ BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M

WALKING ON AIR. ♪

>> TAKE IT AWAY!

>> Chris: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEN THE LAST ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

THE (BLEEP) HANDCUFFS ARE

AMAZING.

"NO, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST."

YES, JON DALY.

>> THE MEETING OF THE ROBIN

THICKE FAN CLUB HAS NOW COME TO

ORDER.

IS EVERYONE'S PENIS VISIBLE?

(LAUGHTER)

BEFORE THE BREAK, MR. ADAM SCOTT

READ AN AMAZON REVIEW THAT WE

LOVE ABOUT SUGAR FREE GUMMY

BEARS, WHICH APPARENTLY CAUSE

REALLY EXCELLENTLY HORRIBLE

DIARRHEA.

AND BY THE WAY IF YOU GO TO THAT

PAGE, IT IS REVIEW AFTER REVIEW.

SOMEHOW THEY STILL GOT THREE

STARS, THOUGH.

(LAUGHTER)

SO COMEDIANS, I ASKED YOU TO

TELL ME THE NAME OF THE NOVEL

FROM WHICH THIS REVIEW WAS

PROBABLY TAKEN, LET'S SEE WHAT

YOU WROTE, JON DALY.

>> "CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE

FACTORY."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, IT'S THE--

GET OUT OF TOWN!

GET OUT OF TOWN!

>> THAT'S GOOD, CLEAN FUN.

>> IT'S A FUN LITTLE, YOU KNOW,

COME ON.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

JULIE KLAUSNER.

>> "PUSH," A NOVEL BY SAPPHIRE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: HORATIO SANZ.

>> GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: HORATIO SANZ HAS JUST

SPIKED THE BALL ON @MIDNIGHT.

>> HORATIO SANZ!

>> SHE DID NOT DIE FOR NOTHING.

IT'S NOW TIME TO PLAY THINKOUTSIDE THE INBOX.

[APPLAUSE]

EVERY NOW AND AGAIN YOU GET ANEMAIL WITH A SUBJECT LINE THAT

YOU KNOW IS GONNA BE BAD LIKEWE NEED TO TALK OR ONLY THREE

DAYS LEFT TO SUPPORT MYKICKSTARTER!

I DON'T KNOW YOU!

>>I WANT U GUYS TO FIRE OFF E-MAIL SUBJECT LINES NO ONE

WANTS TO RECEIVE IN THEIRIN-BOX.

FOR EACH ONE THAT MAKES ALL OFUS LAUGH AND ALSO WANT TO AVOID

WE WILL GIVE YOU 250 POINTS.

I AM GOING TO PUT 60-SECOND TONSCLOCK NOW AND GO.

JUDY KLAUSNER.

>> I GOT MY ONE WAN SHOWDOWNTO 300 PAGES, PLEASE READ.

>> I'VE GOTTEN THAT ONE.

>>YES, HORATIO.

>>UH MOM'S NEW SEX VIDEO

>>POINTS!

YES, JULIE.>>I HAVE SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT

PALESTINE.>>POINTS.

JON DALY.>>OUT OF OFFICE REPLY

I'M HOMELESS.>>POINTS.

JON.>>HELLO AMERICAN FRIEND, I AM

NIGERIAN PRINCE AND THIS IS WHATIT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN THE NIGERIAN

DOVES CRY.>>POINTS!

[APPLAUSE]POINTS. YES, JON DALY.

SEVEN>>NOPE, DO IT ANYWAY

>>SEVEN DAYS LEFT TO UH SHIALEBOUF'S KICKSTARTER

STARTER FOR THE WEB SITE, TOSTART A WEB SITE CALLED KICK

STARTER.

>> SHIA LEBOUF IS A PLAGIARIST!

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