now out here in New York.
Not to worry, though,because I just
got a new home security system.
And so, you know, it's one ofthose ones where after I unlock
the door, I have 30 secondsto disarm the system or else
a really loud alarm goes off.
And this protects me but allfrom all but the deaf burglar.
Anyway, I wanted one thatwould like spray the place
with bullets, but then I, then Irealized that it would not only
kill the intruder, butdestroy the possessions
I was trying to protect.
And so then I thought,well, maybe poison gas,
but then I figured, well, whatif I set it off by accident,
which is fairly likely,since I like to,
when I come home, I like to makeit exciting by pretending I'm
James Bond and, you know, ifI don't turn it off in time,
it'll launch a nuclearattack against Russia.
And so, sometimesI drop my keys,
you know, to make alittle more exciting.
[humming james bond theme]
So I, actually, if youdon't turn it off in time,
it calls the police.
Well, first a companycalls me or calls the house
to make sure it's notme just pretending
I'm James Bond, uh, actually.
And I have to tell them thepassword-- there's a password.
Otherwise, a burglar wouldjust answer the phone,
yes, hello, well, ofcourse, it's Jake.
If I wasn't Jake, would Ibe answering Jake's phone?
Now turn off this alarm soI can enjoy my belongings.
But he can't do that, becauseI've made up of password.
Actually, I didn'tmake-- I mean,
I chose it from allthe possible words.
Probably, I should have usedone of my made-up words,
That way he couldn't knowwhat it was, you know.
I would, only me would know.
What do you meanwhat does it mean?
It means "gablurngle."
Now, turn it off, youidiot, it's gablurngling me.
That's what gablurngle means.
I'm a-- I'm not retarded.
Ah-ah-ah, I know.
All right, I'm a little giddy.
And ah--- I, I, I know thatit seems like I might have
suffered some kind of headinjury or, uh, or, uh,
been dropped a lot as a child,or, uh, or maybe earlier today,
because I, I grin, I grin almostall the time, and I'm probably,
I'm probably doing it now.
I, I, I-- I probablyam, I probably am.
Um, because, because,I'm conscious.
So I-- that's, that'swhen I tend to do it.
So I went to the hospitalto, uh, have some tests done,
because I decidedI wanted-- friends.
And, uh, you know, stuff,stuff like that to know where
my family lived and,uh, stuff like that.
And then they testedme for awhile.
And then they were done.
And then they said,sorry, there's
nothing we can do about it.
But at least you don'thave to look at it.
So I, I am like the one guy onthe face of the Earth who never
had to see my big goofygrin, uh, because it's on me.
And, and as far as I can tellthat is the only real advantage
to being me is that I neverhave to see me, ever, 'cause,
'cause, my eyesare up on my head.
Uh, you know, if they wereon my leg, I could go,
oh, he's goody-looking.
Uh, but I can't do it.
Thankfully, cannot do that.
So I'm very-- oh, so sorry.
I, I, I, I sometimes spit.
And, and I, uh-- I put my handup, because, it turns out,
I know, it's coming abouta second before you guys.
I, I feel it, uh, feelit, uh, feel it coming up
from the big old saliva factory.
So I, ha, so, wantto hear a story?
and I did this showin this big place.
And I was excited and Icouldn't wait to get out there.
And I'm standing backstage,OK, OK, and just can't wait.
And then, they say myname, and I walk up
to the microphone, goodevening-- like that.
And this huge thing justcomes flying out of my-- Huge!
It was so big, youcould see the rotation.
I, I-- It was a-- It wasspinning, end over end.
And people in the crowd arereacting just, just like you
guys going, ah, ah,it's disgusting, ah.
Like, and I felt like Ihad to acknowledge it,
because everybody saw it.
And, and, you know, it'sjust better to admit it.
When stuff is hurtling up inthe lights in this general area,
it's fairly obvious whosemouth it came out of.
It's not like I can go,oh, it was that guy.
He arced it.
So, uh, uh.
Anyway, so I was liketalking about it.
And I was really getting behindon the stuff I'd planned to do,
'cause I hadn'tplanned to go, OK,
open with the spitting stuff.
A-a-and then I gotdone just in time.
And I was so happy.
And then Sandra Bernhardwas hosting the show.
Do you know her?
She's really nice.
And she came out on stage andshe put her arm around me,
and she said I was cute.
A-a-and I realize that she'sgay, but she's a woman,
so it counts, it counts.
That is all they go by.
And she is not my mom.
And she said it.
And I was so startled,I spit on her-- a-a-ah.
Something's flyingout of my mo-- Ah.
So I'm out in Californiamost of the time,
which, unfortunately, Ihave to drive everywhere.
I'm not a very good driver.
I'm not that good at much stuffthat involves coordination.
And I was recently involvedin kind of a serious driving
accident, which youmay have suspected.
I, eh, eh, notcompletely my fault,
because the other guyinvolved was really drunk.
But he was at aslight disadvantage,
'cause he didn't have his carwith him at, at, at the time.
He was just walking downthe street, drinking a beer.
And I plowed right into him.
But the guy was hammered.
He should not have beenout there like that.
He was weaving back andforth along the sidewalk.
And I'm having a really hardtime trying to follow behind,
because I want to get aroundhim back onto the street.
And then, at one point, hegave me this-- head fake--
and I just bought it.
Now, you guys havebeen very nice.
I'm also Joey Buttafuoco, so.
I got that to fall back on.
I just came back from Las Vegas.
Have you ever been?
It's nice there.
You know what they have therethough, which is really cool?
They have cops on bicycles.
Have you ever seen anywhere?
You train your whole lifeto be a police officer.
Then they put you on a bicycle,like some crazed paperboy.
What happens if youget in a shoot-out,
are you going to hidebehind your bike?
Oh, man, I shouldhave put baseball
cards in the spokes, Tony.
It's really bad if you'rea female police officer,
you don't even get thatbar for protection.
That one's gone.
I got pulled over by oneof those guys, it's weird.
All you hear isding, ding, ding.
Am I getting pulledover by a cop on a bike?
How fast could I be going?
He caught me.
You know, it'sreally humiliating
getting arrested by him.
You gotta sit onthe handlebars all
the way back to the station.
Everybody's laughing at you.
Your ass hurts before you go in.
All right, all right.
I don't deserve that.
That's ridiculous.We don't have that in New York.
We have all kinds of policedepartments in New York.
That's why we havesuch a low crime rate.
No, we do.
You know what we have now?
We have auxiliary police.
Have you seen these guys?
They're not really cops, theyjust dress in police uniforms,
but they don't carry guns.
They're basically there toarrest auxiliary criminals,
you know, people whodon't commit crimes,
but dress poorly, I think.
No, actually, their job is topoint out the real criminals
to the regular police,who then chase, like, back
into the housing projects, wherethe housing police take over,
chase them out ofthe housing projects
and get them into the park,where the mounted police chase
the out of the park,like, into the subway,
where the transit police chasethem out of the subway, like,
into the Port Authority, wherethe Port Authority police chase
them out of thePort Authority back
into the street, where theguardian angels finally make
the arrest is basically howit works in New York City.
because we're doingthat quality time thing,
because I'm involved.
And this commercial comes on.
And the one kid goes, mydaddy loves me so much,
he bought me a puppy.
The next kid goes my daddy lovesme so much, he bought a Volvo.
So in other words, if you don'thave $40,000 to spend on a car
in this country, you'renot a good father.
My son looks andhe goes, Daddy, how
come you don't have a Volvo.
And I said, becauseI hate you, OK now?
Stop interrupting mewhen I'm watching TV.
I'm an only kidand I love my son.
He's eight years old.
It's the perfect age, because,you know, his savings bonds
matured, so, you know, I gotsome new clothes and a trip
to Atlantic City.
That's nice, yeah.
My wife's pregnant now, whichis a really great, you know.
So, thank you.
And, yeah, that's all right.
So, you know, we've got to startsaving up for the abortion.
And-- come on, I'm only kidding.
We got the money put away.
And don't groan me, ladies.
I'm tired of hearingwomen complain.
Ladies, don't you haveit made in this country?
[audience responds "no"]
Sure you do, youdon't even realize it.
One, you've gotthat prostitution
thing to fall back on.
And that's nice,isn't that, huh?
It's like a little safety netin case of an economic crisis.
You know, it's notplan A, but it's there.
You lose your job, you'reworking off the books.
What's the big thing?
Your body, your choice.
That's when I say, come on.
Men can't prostitute themselves.
I mean, Tom Arnold, butthat's an exception.
I'm glad I said it.
Plus, ladies, you getyour sexual peak at 40,
when you can useit for something.
Do you know when menget their sexual peak?
During the SAT exams.
Am I right?
That's why historicallywe get lower scores.
I'm only kidding, ladies.
I'm on your side, becauseI was totally honest.
I have to admit thatmen have screwed up
this country forthe last 200 years.
Yeah, we need a woman president.
A woman could do a muchbetter job than a man.
Plus, you could pay her less.
That's my time, everybody.
I get up every day at5:00 in the morning.
You know why?
The garbage trucks.
Every day in thistown wake me up.
With that sound.
You know that.
[garbage truck sounds]
What is that sound?
Is someone throwing out a goat?
What's going on there?
And why are theycoming so early?
They're picking up garbage.
It's not going to go bad again.
You know what I'm saying?
It's so dangerous in this town.
You watch the news,it's all violence.
I think they should letthe mafia do the news.
Because they know it's goingto happen anyway, right?
Wouldn't that be a lot better?
A man was shot severaltimes tomorrow.
There will be no witnesses.
The lottery numbers are 16,32, 8, 9, 7, and let's say,
I'm afraid ofgetting on the planes
with the terrorist guysgetting on, you know?
I don't know how theyget on the plane.
They've got to make reservationsover the phone, right?
Can't they tell the terroristswhen they're doing it?
I mean, really.
I'd like to make a reservation.
Oh, no, one way.
Hold on, please.
[speaking in a fake language]
Oh, Joe, yes.
I'll spell that.
"J" as in jihad, "O" as inoverthrow the governments,
"E" as in explodeyankee dog-pigs, yes.
Here's a fun thing to do whenyou're flying, all right.
When the guy nextyou falls asleep,
put your life veston, your oxygen mask,
and yell, we're going down.
You'll definitely getthe armrest after that.
I'm telling you right now.
So that's the whole thing, man.
It doesn't really matterwhat happens here.
I'm always afraidof getting sick,
because I've got no healthinsurance, you know?
I've got car insurance, butI've got no health insurance.
Which sucks, becausewhenever I get really sick,
I have to get in my carand crash into things,
you know what I'm saying?
Careful on the way home,I'm getting a prescription.
So that's all I'm goingto tell you about.
I did get into acar accident once.
I don't whose fault it was.
I was doing 80, andthe other guy was 80.
So you really don't know.
But he thanked me and said thatit was the first bowl movement
he's had in like 20 years,so.
Might as well talk about that.
She had a baby.
I was watching her breastfeedfor a couple of bucks.
And, you know, it is amazing.
Ladies, it is amazing howyou that with a beverage
coming out of your nipple.
Did you know that?
Guys, we can't do it, you know?
Because if could, we'dspend the whole time
squirting each other.
You know we would.
Spray each other, putout fires, write our name
in the snow-- once,twice, three times a lady.
He's a good kid, though.
You know, he's a nicelittle kid, you know.
When I was a kid, I used tohand out with the wrong crowd.
You know who I'm talking about?The Amish.
Yeah, oh my God.
But they've beenaround for years.
You know what that means?
The Amish have sex.
I bet, if they get into itloud and out of control, what
do they scream, whenthey're doing it?
Oh, oh, oh, Jedediah, ah.
Plow my field, ah.
Do me like a Mormon,ah, like a Quaker, ah.
Give it to me buggystyle, come on,
you Abe Lincoln-looking stud.
Blue bonnet on it, ah, ah.
Give me a whisker burnwhere it counts, come on.
Oh, Rico Suave, ah.
Thank you very much.