Trilling, Daro, Attell
now out here in New York.
Not to worry, though,because I just
got a new home security system.
And so, you know, it's one ofthose ones where after I unlock
the door, I have 30 secondsto disarm the system or else
a really loud alarm goes off.
And this protects me but allfrom all but the deaf burglar.
Anyway, I wanted one thatwould like spray the place
with bullets, but then I, then Irealized that it would not only
kill the intruder, butdestroy the possessions
I was trying to protect.
And so then I thought,well, maybe poison gas,
but then I figured, well, whatif I set it off by accident,
which is fairly likely,since I like to,
when I come home, I like to makeit exciting by pretending I'm
James Bond and, you know, ifI don't turn it off in time,
it'll launch a nuclearattack against Russia.
And so, sometimesI drop my keys,
you know, to make alittle more exciting.
[humming james bond theme]
So I, actually, if youdon't turn it off in time,
it calls the police.
Well, first a companycalls me or calls the house
to make sure it's notme just pretending
I'm James Bond, uh, actually.
And I have to tell them thepassword-- there's a password.
Otherwise, a burglar wouldjust answer the phone,
yes, hello, well, ofcourse, it's Jake.
If I wasn't Jake, would Ibe answering Jake's phone?
Now turn off this alarm soI can enjoy my belongings.
But he can't do that, becauseI've made up of password.
Actually, I didn'tmake-- I mean,
I chose it from allthe possible words.
Probably, I should have usedone of my made-up words,
That way he couldn't knowwhat it was, you know.
I would, only me would know.
What do you meanwhat does it mean?
It means "gablurngle."
Now, turn it off, youidiot, it's gablurngling me.
That's what gablurngle means.
I get up every day at5:00 in the morning.
You know why?
The garbage trucks.
Every day in thistown wake me up.
With that sound.
You know that.
[garbage truck sounds]
What is that sound?
Is someone throwing out a goat?
What's going on there?
And why are theycoming so early?
They're picking up garbage.
It's not going to go bad again.
You know what I'm saying?
It's so dangerous in this town.
You watch the news,it's all violence.
I think they should letthe mafia do the news.
Because they know it's goingto happen anyway, right?
Wouldn't that be a lot better?
A man was shot severaltimes tomorrow.
There will be no witnesses.
The lottery numbers are 16,32, 8, 9, 7, and let's say,
I'm afraid ofgetting on the planes
with the terrorist guysgetting on, you know?
I don't know how theyget on the plane.
They've got to make reservationsover the phone, right?
Can't they tell the terroristswhen they're doing it?
I mean, really.
I'd like to make a reservation.
Oh, no, one way.
Hold on, please.
[speaking in a fake language]
Oh, Joe, yes.
I'll spell that.
"J" as in jihad, "O" as inoverthrow the governments,
"E" as in explodeyankee dog-pigs, yes.
Here's a fun thing to do whenyou're flying, all right.
When the guy nextyou falls asleep,
put your life veston, your oxygen mask,
and yell, we're going down.
You'll definitely getthe armrest after that.
I'm telling you right now.
So that's the whole thing, man.
It doesn't really matterwhat happens here.
I'm always afraidof getting sick,
because I've got no healthinsurance, you know?
I've got car insurance, butI've got no health insurance.
Which sucks, becausewhenever I get really sick,
I have to get in my carand crash into things,
you know what I'm saying?
Careful on the way home,I'm getting a prescription.
So that's all I'm goingto tell you about.
I did get into acar accident once.
I don't whose fault it was.
I was doing 80, andthe other guy was 80.
So you really don't know.
But he thanked me and said thatit was the first bowl movement
he's had in like 20 years,so.
Might as well talk about that.
She had a baby.
I was watching her breastfeedfor a couple of bucks.
And, you know, it is amazing.
Ladies, it is amazing howyou that with a beverage
coming out of your nipple.
Did you know that?
Guys, we can't do it, you know?
Because if could, we'dspend the whole time
squirting each other.
You know we would.
Spray each other, putout fires, write our name
in the snow-- once,twice, three times a lady.
He's a good kid, though.
You know, he's a nicelittle kid, you know.
When I was a kid, I used tohand out with the wrong crowd.
You know who I'm talking about?The Amish.
Yeah, oh my God.
But they've beenaround for years.
You know what that means?
The Amish have sex.
I bet, if they get into itloud and out of control, what
do they scream, whenthey're doing it?
Oh, oh, oh, Jedediah, ah.
Plow my field, ah.
Do me like a Mormon,ah, like a Quaker, ah.
Give it to me buggystyle, come on,
you Abe Lincoln-looking stud.
Blue bonnet on it, ah, ah.
Give me a whisker burnwhere it counts, come on.
Oh, Rico Suave, ah.
Thank you very much.