Monday, March 21, 2016

  • 03/21/2016

Jonathan Coulton, Aimee Mann and Dave Hill recite the first drafts of iconic movie quotes, sum up #TwitterIn5Words and perform six-second songs for Vine.

All right, rippedfrom today's Internet headlines,

it's RapidRefresh.

(cheering, applause)

Here's a list of seven things

we want to talk aboutmore than Donald Trump.

First up, Yale vs. Duke.Yale vs. Duke.

March Madness isin full psychosis,

and it's a great time to talkto coworkers endlessly

about their brackets,which is...

as far as interestingconversations go,

it's right up there with"I had a weird dream last night"

and "Guess what human thingmy cat can do."

-(laughter)-But... it's not all bad.

During Saturday'sYale-Duke game,

Twitter took to roastingthe two whitest

of white privilege collegeswith names like this

-from Rich Kids of Instagram!Ho-ho!

Getting readyfor Yale-Duke like.

Yes, you're rightto hate these people.

(laughter)

It's not only...these two also won

Most Likely to Collapsethe Stock Market,

but also Most Likely to Drownin a Windsurfing Accident.

-(cheering, shouting, applause)-Yeah. Well...

Comedians, what's somethingyou might overhear

during this preppytailgate party?

-Jonathan Coulton. -Your schoolwas my safety school,

and I'm an enormous pieceof (bleep).

-(laughter)-Points. Points.

Dave Hill.

You think you street?You ain't street.

I took group tennis lessonsinstead of getting

the one-on-one lessonsI still desperately needed,

-mother (bleep).-Yeah. Points.

-(applause)-Yeah.

-Aimee Mann. -It's stillconsent if she says no, right?

(laughter)

HARDWICK:Oh (bleep).

-Points.-(applause, whooping)

-COULTON: I'll applaud that.-MANN: Thank you.

Controversial.

Oh, next up-- BYOCupDay.

From Rich Kids of Instagramto Poor Kids of Instagram.

-Uh...-(laughter)

All right, there...okay, there's a reason for this.

Over the weekend,

7-Eleven held their BringYour Own Cup Day promotion,

where you could fillany container you wanted up

with a Slurpeeas long as it's watertight.

But naturally,ravenous sugar syrup addicts

filled everythingfrom water jugs to fish tanks,

and not only does this makea handy Slurpee container,

but also the best wayto give your goldfish diabetes

down in there somewhere.

Comedians, what'sanother real-life receptacle

someone online filledwith a Slurpee?

A coffin or a toilet?

-Dave Hill.-I know it's toilet,

but I want it to be coffin.

-So coffin.-You're gonna say coffin?

-Yeah.-All right.

Should've gonewith your first instinct.

It was a toilet!

(audience groaning)

HILL:But I...

(applause)

HARDWICK:Hang on.

I never thought anythingwould make me miss

Rich Kids of Instagram.

(laughter)

-I still get points?-No.

-(audience aw'ing)-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry!

Your toilet does not get...

-(audience shouting)-HARDWICK: No. Don't you...

-It's not gonna do anything!-Come on! (bleep) that guy.

No. (bleep) you! -I'm not(bleep) you, Chris Hardwick.

AUDIENCE (chanting):Points! Points! Points!

COULTON:He does kind of deserve points.

(audience continueschanting "Points!")

(audience shouts)

Chris, it's your show.Do what you want.

-All right.-(laughter)

It is with great pleasure

that I reward all of youwith one point! (bleep) you!

(speaks indistinctly)

(applause)

My show, my rules!

Oh, you want two points?All right, two points!

(cheering, whooping, applause)

It's a harsh world!

Next up, Basketball.

New York Knicks playerKevin Seraphin was so charged up

for Saturday's gameagainst the Wizards,

he wasn't gonna let anythingstand in his way,

including his own fans.

Comedians, how many ofthese boys does he knock over?

(laughter)

-Jonathan Coulton. -Pleaselet it be all of them. Please.

I really,I would like to see it.

All right, I know.Now, I can tell you

-that's not the right answer.-Oh, come on.

But it doesn't make the rightanswer any less enjoyable.

Take a look.

And... good night!

(shouts, applause)

Oh!

That's what you get for beinga (bleep) clown, Jeremy!

That's what you get!

There is an upside-- nowthis kid knows what it's like

to be a white dude in the NBA.

(laughter, applause)

Yep, there it is.

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars. Hashtag.

As you know, Monday wasTwitter's tenth anniversary,

and while it's impossibleto put into words

just how muchthe revolutionary social network

has changed the world,we're gonna do it anyway.

Tonight's hashtagis #TwitterIn5Words.

#TwitterIn5Words.

Examples might be"get angered by some strangers"

or "does Kanye need our help?"

I'm gonna put 60 seconds onthe clock, and begin. Dave Hill.

Better dick pics on LinkedIn.

Points.Jonathan Coulton.

Misspelled racial slursand rage.

Points.Aimee Mann.

Oh, look-- another hot take.

Points.Dave Hill.

Donald Trump,you (bleep) face.

-Points.-(cheering, applause)

Yeah, take him down, Dave!

Yeah, take that, Trump!Take that.

Uh, Jonathan Coulton.

(bleep) off,Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Oh, points.

How dare you... how dare youtalk to our king that way?

-How dare you?-I'm saying.

Uh, Aimee Mann.

Social revolution and dick pics.

Points.Dave Hill.

Why aren't you following me,@AimeeMann?

Oh, interesting.

-It's true, it's true!-HARDWICK: It's true, it's true.

It's true.

It's time to play Amateur Hour.

Amateur Hour.

In an online worldwhere Rihanna and Beyoncé

are constantlyblowing our (bleep) minds

with amazing videos,it's nice to take a moment

to appreciate the independentartists out there,

making videoswith a shoestring budget,

a shoestring dream, and,judging by the looks of things,

some very questionable drugs.

I'm gonna show youan amateur video from YouTube

and for 250 points I want youto answer a question about it.

First up,

the hit dance track"Hot Arsenoid."

♪ Let me see your body bounce

♪ On the floor

Like this?Like this?

This is... That-that swagger'sall business down here

and then coma up top.♪ Let me see your body bounce.

♪ Let me see your...

(cheering, applause)

♪ Let me see your body dance

-♪ Let me see your body dance -No, thank you.

-No, thank you.-♪ Let me see your body dance

We're trying to have a nice mealhere, we don't want any...

-♪ Let me see your bo... -Okay?

The music journalistslove to describe artists

as "somethingmeets something else."

So, how would youdescribe this guy? Jonathan.

Aimee Mann meets Dave Hill.

I mean, in a good way,a good way.

-Well...-Like, in a positive way.

-Points.-I-I actually see it.

-I see it. -Yeah, right?-I-I will give you $1,000

if you cover this song,Aimee Mann.

Uh, Aimee Mann.

Holy (bleep) meet (bleep), no.

Points.

Points.Dave Hill.

Clone meets remarkablysupportive sisters

who will appearin his music video.

Points. Yup.

Next up, the high tech wizardry

of Loke Wilson.

(distorted singing)

What's a line from your reviewof his live show? Aimee.

I came for the lackof eye contact

and I stayedfor the sleep apnea.

Points.

Jonathan Coulton.

The "venue" turned out to bea shed in his backyard.

I love getting killedby him, though.

Points. Points.

Next up, these Grateful Dads

featuring Douche Springsteen.

♪ I want to show you loveall myself ♪

♪ In you

♪ Come on, babe,please throw me away ♪

♪ Oh, toni...

What does that guy'smustache smell like? Dave Hill.

Freedom and bus station pussy.

-Yeah, points.-I mean...

Bus station pussy.

Oh, don't act likeyou don't know, Hardwick.

Aw, come on, yeah.

You don't have to tellthis old greyhound.

-Uh...-Points!

-Thank you. Thanks.-Points.

Yeah. Next up,

an amazing artist whose namereally is,

I (bleep) you not,Queen of Vagina.

♪ Oh

So, this is obviouslya huge hit song.

Uh, what is the name ofthe follow-up track? Aimee Mann.

♪ My vagina has a first name

♪ It's P-U-S-S-Y.

Before the break, I showed yousome bad six-second songs

on Vine, like this one.

♪ Sagin' this roomwith my pants saggin' ♪

♪ Gettin' rid of demons,no time like... ♪

(chuckles)

Don't worry, the ghosts willnot come near that room now.

I asked you to come upwith your own six-second songs.

Let's see what you came up with.

Uh, let's startwith the first one.

♪ Guess what, bitches,I'm on television ♪

♪ Chances are you're noton television. ♪

-Oh, the swagger.-I had extra time.

-The swagger.-I had extra time.

Uh, next up, Aimee, I believe.

♪ Six secondsis the perfect length ♪

♪ To confess that I...

Beautiful.

I love it, because it soundslike an Aimee Mann song!

That's (bleep) so...It sounds like an actual song.

Uh, and next up, Dave Hill.

(playing guitar)

Take that,everyone from high school.

It's time to playFirst Draft Movie Quotes.

First Draft Movie Quotes.

Movies are greatnot only 'cause they feature

often Tom Hardy doing a weirdaccent with his shirt off--

meow-- uh, but also because theygive us very memorable quotes,

from "Life is like a boxof chocolates,"

pretty much anythingfrom Lebowski.

But all good writing takes work,and I'm sure some

of those timeless words suckedbefore they were great.

So I'd like you to give meas many first draft movie quotes

as you possibly can.Examples might be like, uh,

"Life is like a box of (bleep)"

or "Come with me if you wantto continue breathing

and taking oxygen and convertingit into carbon dioxide."

Uh... It was very bad.

The first draft of thatwas very bad.

And begin. Jonathan.

I'll have what Meg Ryan'shaving, an orgasm.

Nice. Points. Dave Hill.

My name is James Bond.What's your name?

Points.

Jonathan Coulton.

I'm not literally Spartacus, butI support what he stands for.

All right, points. Dave Hill.

I really hope these fenceshold up.

After all, it is Jurassic Park.

Yeah, points. Aimee Mann.

This boat is too smallfor this big shark.

Yes, points. Points. Dave Hill.

"Murder" backwards."Murder" backwards.

"Murder" backwards.

Uh, Aimee.

It's against regulationsto have snakes on this plane.

Yes, points.

Uh, Jonathan Coulton.

I see dead people.For instance, you, you're dead.

Points.