Nick Swardson, Nick Kroll, Chris Hardwick

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 11/06/2010

Nick Swardson ponders sexy Halloween costumes, Nick Kroll engages in a tweet-off with Doug Benson, and Chris Hardwick explains why he hates hotel rooms.

- WELCOME BACKTO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION.

WHO AM I INTERRUPTING NOW?

CHRIS HARDWICK,OF COURSE.

YOU REMEMBER, DON'T YOU?

- DOUG, I'M SURE YOUDO THIS TOO,

BECAUSE YOU ARE A TRAVELING,BUSY COMEDIAN,

UH, AS WELL.

I STAY IN A LOT OF HOTELSON THE ROAD.

WHICH I DO NOT ENJOY.

BECAUSE A HOTEL IS,IS JUST A PLACE

WHERE PEOPLE RENT THE RIGHT

TO PUT THEIR BALLSON EVERYTHING.

LIKE, THEY DON'T--

THEY USE IT AS A TOOL.

LIKE, BETTER TURNTHE LIGHTS ON.

LIKE, THEY'LL JUST USE ITBECAUSE

YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR BALLSON THINGS AT HOME.

YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHERWOULD BE LIKE,

"WHY ARE THERE BALL PRINTSON THE LAMP?

THIS IS NOT A HOTEL."

AND...

SO IT'S--THEY'RE--

- I USE MY BALLS TO CHANGETHE CHANNEL ON THE TV.

- YOU TWIST?

- NOT THE REMOTE.

I GO ALL THE WAYUP TO THE TV.

- WHY DID I--- I'M NOT LAZY.

- I, UH,I USED TO DRINK A LOT,

AS YOU MAY REMEMBER,AND I, I NO LONGER DRINK.

I GAVE UP DRINKINGMANY YEARS AGO.

I CANNOT EVER GOTO VEGAS AGAIN.

I CAN'T GO TO VEGAS EVER

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE SOBER,IT SUCKS.

VEGAS IS A LOT LIKEA STRIPPER POLE.

IT IS VERY SHINY WHENVIEWED FROM A DISTANCE,

BUT WHEN YOU GETUP CLOSE TO IT,

IT JUST SMELLSLIKE POOP AND SADNESS.

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH VEGASIN A NUTSHELL.

DO YOU LIKE STRIP CLUBS?

DO YOU ENJOY GOING TO STRIP--STRIPPING CLUBS?

- WELL, I DONOW THAT I KNOW

THAT YOU CAN SMELL THE POLE.

- [laughs]

- I DIDN'T KNOWTHAT WAS AN OPTION.

- I--YEAH.

- I'VE BEEN SITTING BACKIN MY SEAT LIKE A GENTLEMAN

WONDERING WHAT THAT POLESMELLED LIKE.

- LISTEN--EXACTLY.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?- YES.

- DO YOU THINK PATRICK SWAYZE

NOW GOES UP BEHIND PEOPLEIN POTTERY CLASSES

AND HUGS THEM JUST TO CRACK UPOTHER GHOSTS?

- LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.- WANNA HAVE A TWEET-OFF?

both: LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.

- UH, ALL RIGHT.SO HERE--

OKAY, HERE'S ONE.

"DIARRHEA IS THE JAZZOF POOP."

- "I DON'T HAVE TIMEFOR NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR

BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSYBEING AWESOME."

- WELL PLAYED.- THAT'S MORE TRUE THAN FUNNY.

- [laughs]

UH, "EVERYTHING AT WHOLE FOODSSOUNDS LIKE A BAND.

"NOW I GOTTA GO WATCHCUSTOM BUTTERS

OPEN FOR ORNAMENTAL CORN."

- WAIT A SECOND.

I WAS AT THAT SHOW.

DIDN'T THAT--WASN'T THAT SHOW

OPENED BY HOMEMADE SOAP?

- YEP.Y--

[laughs]

- "I THINK OF DESTINY'S CHILD

WHENEVER I PAYMY AUTOMO-BILLS."

- [laughs]

- SORRY,BUT WE'RE OUT OF TIME.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

CHRIS HARDWICK!

[cheers and applause]

WORKING HARD...WICK.

- GOOD-BYE, DOUG.

- THANK YOU, CHRIS.

- WELCOME BACKTO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION...

WHERE I'M GONNA KEEPINTERRUPTING NICK SWARDSON.

YEAH, INTERRUPTIONIN PROGRESS.

- THIS IS MY NEW FASCINATION

ARE ALIEN-THEMED RESTAURANTS.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

I'M FROM THE MIDWEST,AND THEY HAVE A THING CALLED

ALIEN--SPACE ALIENS.

AND IT'S A CHAIN RESTAURANT.

- CALLED "SPACE ALIENS"?- YEAH.

BUT THEN THERE'S ALSO--- ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T--

- I SWEAR TO GOD, DAWG!

AND THERE'S ONE IN NEW YORK.

AND IT'S ALL, LIKE,SPACE ALIENS...

BUT LIKE, THEIR WHOLE MENUIS, LIKE, "ORBIT SOUP."

LIKE, IT'S NOT EVEN--

I DON'T KNOWWHO THIS RESTAURANT IS FOR,

AND WHO EATS--IT'S LIKE--

- I'LL HAVE THE LUNAR SALAD,PLEASE.

- IT'S SO STUPIDFAKE SPACE [bleep].

JUST LIKE, CAN I HAVETHE SOLAR FINGERS?

IT'S LIKE, NO,THEY'RE CHICKEN FINGERS.

LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHO'S THAT RESTAURANT--

WHO WANTS TO EAT IN SPACETHAT BAD?

THEY'RE JUST SORT OF LIVINGTHIS DELUSIONAL, LIKE...

"I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GOTO MARS,

BUT I CAN'T DO IT HERE.

I CAN HAVE SPACE SOUP,FOLLOWED BY SATURN SANDWICH."

OR I DON'T KNOW.

- DO YOU HAVE SATURN RINGS?"NO, BUT WE HAVE ONION RINGS."

LIKE THE ONE OPPORTUNITYTHAT DOES MAKE SENSE...

THEY TOTALLY BLOW IT.

THEY JUST NAME THOSEONION RINGS.

EVERYTHING ELSE IS, LIKE,OUTER SPACE STEAK.

[laughs]

- MASHED PLUTODOS.

REALLY?

[laughter]

IT'S SO SWEATY AND AWFUL.

YOU GUYS LIKE SLEEPING?

[cheers and applause]

I ALWAYS GET, LIKE,IN TROUBLE.

DO YOU GUYS GET YELLED ATFOR SLEEPING?

MY MOM'S ALWAYS, LIKE,"DON'T SLEEP IN.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

I GOT UP EARLY, AND I WENTTO THE STORE."

IT'S LIKE, "REALLY?WHILE YOU WERE AT THE STORE,

"I WAS [bleep] DREAMING,OKAY?

"SO I WAS DOINGWHATEVER I WANTED.

"I WAS [...] MY OWN [bleep]AT THE SUPER BOWL.

"OH, DID YOU DO THATAT THE STORE?

"I DON'T THINK YOU DID.

WELCOME TO MY DREAM!"

- WHAT WOULD BE ANOTHER GREATTHING TO DO AT THE SUPER BOWL?

'CAUSE LET'S SAY WE CAN'T USE"[...] MY OWN [bleep]."

[laughter]

IS THERE A CLEANER THINGTHAT PEOPLE WOULD APPRECIATE

BEING ABLE TO DOAT THE SUPER BOWL?

- I WAS AT THE SUPER BOWLHIGH-FIVING MY OWN [bleep].

[laughter]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,NICK SWARDSON!

- THANK YOU.[cheers and applause]

- OKAY, YEAH, TELL ME.

- THIS IS A SPECIAL THINGFOR DOUG,

'CAUSE THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

- EVERYONE ELSE JUST HANG OUTFOR A SECOND.

THIS IS JUST FOR ME.- JUST RELAX.

NO, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

AND I--IT MADE ME SO HAPPY.

I HAD BREAKFAST AT A DINERTHIS MORNING.

AND MY WAITER AT THE DINER,I WAS, LIKE,

YOU KNOW,MAKING CONVERSATION.

I'M, LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU GOINGTO BE FOR HALLOWEEN?"

AND THIS IS 100% TRUE STORY.WEST HOLLYWOOD.

UH, THE WAITER GOES, "UM, WELL,IT'S DOWN TO TWO THINGS.

"I'M EITHERGONNA BE A SQUIRREL..."

[laughs]

IT'S ALREADY GOOD.- STOP.

YOU, YOU HAVE YOUR COSTUME.

I DON'T CARE--I DON'T CAREWHO THE NEXT ONE IS.

NO ONE'S GOINGAS A SQUIRREL.

YOU WILL REALLY--YOU WILL REALLY STAND OUT.

- YOU CAN'T EVEN FATHOMTHE REST OF IT.

HE GOES "I'M EITHER GONNA BEA SQUIRREL

OR A NAUGHTY AIDS NURSE."

WHAT?HOW IS THAT A COSTUME?

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

A "NAUGHTY AIDS NURSE."

IT'S, LIKE, FIRST OF ALL,WHAT'S THE NAUGHTY PART OF THAT?

LIKE, "OH, AIDS."LIKE, WHAT THE [bleep]?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?- IT'S A SMALL OUTFIT.

IT'S A SEXY TIGHT OUTFIT.THAT'S THE SEXY PART.

BUT THEN AIDS NURSE,THERE'S NO SEXY PART.

- THERE'S NOTHING SEXYABOUT THAT.

- I'VE NEVER SEEN--I'VE NEVER SEEN A SEXY NURSE

WITH A SPECIFIC...

- LIKE GENRE OF DISEASE.- LIKE A SPECIFIC THING.

YEAH. LIKE,"OH, I'M A SEXY CARDIOLOGIST."

- OH."I'M A SULTRY TUMOR NURSE."

IT'S, LIKE, "WHAT THE F--WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

- "SULTRY TUMOR NURSE."

[as Arnold Schwarzenegger]IT'S NOT A TUMOR.

BUT ALSO,WHEN YOU HAVE A CHOICE

BETWEEN A SQUIRREL OR...

- IT'S SO DIFFERENT!- OR A SEXY--

- A SQUIRREL OR A NAUGHTY AIDS--

LIKE, WHAT ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT?

- NAUGHTY AIDS NURSEOR SQUIRREL,

HONESTLY, WHICH ONE DO YOU THINKIS GONNA GET MORE NUTS?

- ♪ OH

AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.- BOOM.

- AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.

- IT HAS BEEN DECREED.

- SOMEBODY ASKED MEIF I DID THE AIDS WALK

AND I SAID "EVERY TIME I WALKIS AN AIDS WALK."

- YOU LOOKLIKE YOU'RE STRETCHING

FOR AN AIDS WALK RIGHT NOW.

- OH...

PEOPLE ASK ME TODO CHARITY ALL THE TIME,

WHICH I THINK IS COOL,BUT I DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE

TO DO IT--IT'S JUST, LIKE--

IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,MARATHONS OR RUNS OR WALKS.

LIKE, WHY CAN'T IT BEMORE RELAXED?

LIKE, WHY CAN'T CHARITY BE,LIKE, AN AIDS NAP?

OR, LIKE...[laughter]

WHY CAN'T WE LOUNGEFOR HAITI?

LET'S JUST LOUNGE AROUND.

WHY DO I HAVE TO RUN AROUNDLIKE AN ASS[bleep]?

- YEAH, HOW 'BOUT, LIKE--- JUST EVERYONE JUST RELAX.

- HOW ABOUT A WATCH A MOVIEYOU WERE GONNA WATCH ANYWAY

FOR CANCER?

- YES! EXACTLY!

- THAT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.

- HBO FOR CANCER.[laughter]

- CALM DOWN.

I'M DOUG BENSON.I INTERRUPT PEOPLE FOR MONEY.

IT'S A TOTAL SCAM.

CHECK IT OUT.

ON THIS SHOW, WHAT HAPPENS ISI'LL BRING OUT

A COMEDIAN FRIEND OF MINETO THE STAGE

WHO WILL STAND RIGHT HERE.

AND THEY WILL SAY,YOU KNOW, SOMETHING LIKE

"I WANT TO SEE THAT NEWMATT DAMON MOVIE HEREAFTER,

"BUT I'M AFRAID I WON'T GET IT

BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEETHE FIRST ONE HENCEFORTH."

AND THEN...

I'LL BE SITTING IN THAT CHAIRRIGHT OVER THERE

WITH A MICROPHONEAND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE

"THOSE ARE THE DUMBEST WORDSEVER TALKED."

OKAY, ARE YOU READYTO START THE INTERRUPTION?

[cheers and applause]LET'S DO IT.

YOU MAY RECOGNIZETHIS FUNNY FELLOW

FROM HIS APPEARANCESON RENO 9/11 AND...

I MEAN, 911!

AND HE HAS HIS OWN SHOWRIGHT HERE ON COMEDY CENTRAL

CALLED PRETEND TIME.

PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIENDNICK SWARDSON!

[cheers and applause]

- [as Tim Gunn]THANK YOU, DOUGLAS. THANK YOU.

HI, EVERYONE.EVERYONE LOOKS GREAT.

I MEAN THAT.

- IT IS AN ATTRACTIVE CROWD.- [normal voice] YEAH.

- I WANT TO HAVE SEXWITH MOST OF THEM.

[women cheer]

BUT ONLY A LUCKY FEWWILL BE CHOSEN.

- [laughs]

I V--I VOTEFOR POWER ORGY TONIGHT.

LET'S JUST DO A POWER--POWER ORGY!

- WHAT DOES POWER ORGY MEAN?THAT IT HAPPENS QUICKLY?

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.IT'S A POWER ORGY.

- IT JUST HAPPENSAGGRESSIVELY.

IT'S JUST LIKE GO, GO, GO!GO, GO, GO, DONE!

IT'S LIKE A LITTLE STOPWATCH.ONE MINUTE!

AND JUST--EVERYONE'S, LIKE--IT'S JUST SUPER AGGRESSIVE.

[laughs]

- 48-SECOND POWER ORGY.BEAT THAT.

- BEAT THAT, JAPAN,

OR, LIKE, SOME OTHER TEAMTHAT'S COMPETING.

BEAT THAT, INDIA!

POWER ORGY!

- FIVE-SECOND POWER ORGY.

IT'S LIKE A WHOLE NEW WAVE.- FIVE SECONDS.

- IT'S THE OPPOSITE--

IT'S THE OPPOSITEOF TANTRIC SEX.

IT'S JUST, LIKE,I GET IT OVER FAST!

- I [bleep]INTO MY FAX MACHINE!

SEND IT! SEND IT!EAT IT! DONE!

UGH!

THAT'S SUCH AN AGGRESSIVE WAYTO START THE SHOW.

[laughs]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

YOU GUYS, UH,I AM FROM TENNESSEE.

UH, OR 'MERICA!AS I LIKE TO CALL IT.

- AMERICA!

- I'M SORRY, DID YOU SAY,AMERICA, CHRIS HARDWICK?

NO, 'MERICA!

APOSTROPHE-MERICA!

- THEN WHY DON'T THEY SAY--

- OH, JESUS CHRIST, DOUG,I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

OH.

- SORRY, CHRIS.

- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.YOU GAVE ME A STARTLE.

- WHY DON'T THEY CALL IT'ENNESSEE THEN

IF THEY SAY 'MERICA?

- 'CAUSE THENIT COMPLICATES IT.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BETOO MULTILAYERED.

YOU START CONFUSING REDNECKS,

THEY GET ANGRY, PUNCH THE AIR,TAKE IT OUT ON MINORITIES.

IT'S A VERY DANGEROUS THINGFOR THEM TO DO, DOUG.

I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE FUNOF 'MERICA TOO MUCH,

BUT WHERE ELSEBUT IN 'MERICA

WOULD YOU GET THE DUGGAR FAMILYOF ARKANSAS

AND THEIR 19 KIDS?

LET ME ASK YOUA PHYSIOLOGICAL QUESTION.

- ME OR THE AUDIENCE?

- LADIES.- OR JUST THE LADIES.

- OF WHICH YOU MAY BE A PART.

I'VE NEVER SEENYOUR MAN LUGGAGE.

[laughter]

- 'CAUSE MY BAGSARE ALWAYS PACKED.

- YOUR BAGSARE ALWAYS PACKED.

READY TO GO.

- WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?

OH, THAT FAMILY WITH 19 KIDS.- 19 KIDS!

- 19.

- ARE YOU EVEN AWARE

WHEN YOU'RE HAVINGYOUR 19TH CHILD?

DO YOU KNOW IT'S HAPPENING?

OR DOES YOUR BODY JUSTTURN INTO SOME KIND OF

DQ VANILLA SOFT SERVE MACHINETHAT JUST...

SPITS OUT ORGANISMS?

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

"I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN.I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

FWOOP."THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

CATCH HIM."

- HE'S A QUICK ONE.

- HE'S A QUICK ONERIGHT OUT OF THE GATE.

- GOOD THING HE'S ON A LEASHTHAT'S CONNECTED TO ME.

- OH, HEY, DOUG.

- WHAT DO YOU SAYWE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?

- OH, THAT SEEMS LIKE ASPONTANEOUSLY GREAT THING TO DO.

- LET'S GO BACK AND FORTHREADING SOME TWEETS.

- CAN I TELL YOU WHATTHE PASSWORD TO MY IPHONE IS?

- HAVE YOU EVER PUT A PASSWORDON A THING,

AND IT GOES,"THAT PASSWORD IS WEAK"?

- [laughs]- LIKE, IT FEELS

LIKE YOU'RE TALKINGTO SOME STONER,

DRUGGED-OUT DUDE GOING,"PASSWORD'S WEAK."

- THAT PASSWORD IS WEAK.- THAT PASSWORD IS SO WEAK.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

UM, "THEY SHOULD PUT RANDYQUAID'S FACE ON EVERY PRODUCT

THAT HAS NUTS IN IT."

#BECAUSEHEIS

- [laughs]

- #ALLEGEDLY

- PROTECT YOURSELF.

- I'M COVERING MY ASSEVEN ON TWITTER.

both: YEAH.

- GET MY TWITTER LAWYERON HERE.

- HE MIGHT NOT REALLY BE CRAZY.

- I READ THAT TWEETTHAT YOU WROTE TODAY.

YOU WROTE THAT TWEET TODAYOR YESTERDAY.

- YEAH, THIS [bleep] IS FRESH.[sniffing]

- YEAH.UH, OKAY, READY?

- UH-HUH.- "JUST OVERHEARD ON THE TRAIN--

"'I LOVE THAT KID.

"BUT YOU DON'T WANTTO LIVE WITH TOENAIL.'

SO, FYI,TOENAIL EQUALS BAD ROOMMATE."

[laughter]

- THE NICKNAME TOENAIL

PROBABLY IS ENOUGHOF AN INDICATOR.

- EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN LIVINGWITH TOENAIL,

I WEAR FLIP-FLOPSIN THE SHOWER.

- OH, TOENAIL.

- TOENAIL,YOU ARE INCORRIGIBLE.

- UH, "I BOUGHTA NEW TOOTHBRUSH TODAY.

"MY OLD ONEWILL BE AVAILABLE SOON

AT A GOODWILL OUTLETNEAR ME."

[laughter]

PEOPLE WROTE BACK TO ME,

"EW, WHY WOULD THEY BUYA USED TOOTHBRUSH?"

OH,THANKS FOR GETTING JOKES.

- EXCEPT FOR LIKE @TOENAIL,BEING LIKE,

"WHICH GOODWILL, BRO?"

'MEMBER?'CAUSE OF HIS HYGIENE PROBLEMS?

- GO AHEAD.- OKAY.

"IN MY NEXT LIFE,I'M COMING BACK AS AS VUVUZELA

SO I CAN BE REALLY ANNOYINGAND STILL GET BLOWN A LOT."

[applause]

AND HE HAS A COMEDY CENTRALSPECIAL COMING SOON.

I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOUWHAT IT'S CALLED.

YOU FIGURE IT OUT.

PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND,NICK KROLL!

[cheers and applause]

- HOORAY!

HELLO. HI.NICE TO SEE YOU ALL.

THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

SO I AM, UH,VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE.

UM, DOING STAND-UP ON TVIS SOMETHING

THAT WE ALL DREAM OFEVENTUALLY DOING.

AND I THINK ABOUT THE FIRST TIMETHAT I DID STAND-UP,

UM, AND IT WAS WHEN I WASA FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE.

- IN MY CASE, I DREAM OFJUST WATCHING SOMEONE ELSE

DO STAND-UP ON TELEVISION.

- IT'S HAPPENED, BRO.

- I'VE FINALLY MADE MY DREAMOF JUST WATCHING

SOMEONE ELSE DO THE COMEDY.

- SO NOW, THE OTHER PIECE--

AND THIS WASMY BIG SET PIECE WAS

I WAS GONNA GET ONSTAGE

AND BE, LIKE,"YOU KNOW WHAT,

"I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BESO NERVOUS,

BUT I'M ACTUALLYQUITE RELAXED."

AND THEN I WAS GONNAPISS MY PANTS.

[laughter]

BUT I WASN'T GONNA ACTUALLYPISS MY PANTS.

I WAS GONNA HAVEA WATER BALLOON

AND FILL IT WITH WATER.

- IF YOU'RE A PRO,YOU'D FILL IT WITH PISS.

- WASN'T TOTALLY COMMITTEDTO THE CRAFT AT THAT POINT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,TONIGHT I'VE GOT

A BAGFUL OF PISSIN MY POCKET.

SO I--I'M, UH--

BUT I GET FREAKED OUT,AND I SHOW UP

WITHOUT MY WATER BALLOON,WITHOUT MY PEN.

SO I AM BACKSTAGE RUMMAGINGTHROUGH THE GARBAGE,

LOOKING FOR ANYTHING.

SO I FIND A SANDWICH BAGWITH A SANDWICH IN IT,

THROW THE SANDWICH OUT,FILL THE BAG WITH WATER.

BUT THERE'S STILL, LIKE,FLECKS OF WHEAT BREAD

FLOATING AROUND IN IT.

I GRAB A PEN,I GET ONSTAGE, AND I GO,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, I THOUGHTI WAS GONNA BE SO NERVOUS.

BUT I'M ACTUALLYQUITE RELAXED."

[laughter]

IT JUST LOOKED LIKEI WAS FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING

WHICH IS BASICALLY WHAT I'VEBEEN DOING ONSTAGE EVER SINCE.

[cheers and applause]

THERE YOU GO.

SO--SO WHEN I WAS18 YEARS OLD,

I LIVED IN SPAIN FOR A YEAR.

OR AS THE SPANISH WOULD SAY,

[Spanish accent]I LIVE IN-A SPAIN FOR ONE YEAR.

[laughter]

- I WISH THERE WAS A TRANSLATORFOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID.

- [Spanish accent]I WISH THERE WAS A TRANSLATOR

FOR EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAY.

- SAY, "FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING."

- [Spanish accent]BURIOUSLY MASTURBATING.

[laughter,cheers, and applause]

- OH, MY.