John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show
Season 4

Nick Turner, Colin Jost, Reggie Watts

  • Season 4, Ep 1
  • 07/26/2013

Nick Turner has mixed feelings about winning doughnuts, Colin Jost has a unique reaction when a woman trips, and Reggie Watts loves to tell stories about his crazy life.

called slash fiction?

Okay, okay.

Some of you.

The rest of you, sadly,are about to find out.

And I'll try and make this aspainless as possible.

Slash fiction is-- Isfor fans of particular TV

programs.

You know, if you like aprogram like Game of Thrones,

or CSI: Miami,or Breaking Bad.

Whatever you like.

People like to gather onlineand write stories,

fictional stories, aboutwhat would happen

if characters in those shows

had sex with each other.

It's basically pornographicfiction for fans of TV shows.

It doesn't matter, does it?

It doesn't matter,it's a niche.

It's a smallcommunity online.

They enjoy it.

It's not in your face.

It doesn't matter, does it?

It doesn't affect youin any way, does it?

Does it?

Does it?

Until it does.

Because I'm here to tell youthis evening, New York, that

it turns out there is sucha thing as

Daily Show slash fiction.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

How did I find this out?

Because I received an emailfrom a friend of mine in

England with a single weblink in it and a message that

simply read, "Click onthis and call me back

immediately."

And when I did, I voyagedinto the strangest 45 minutes

of my life.

Story after story, page afterintricately written page of

Jon Stewart and StephenColbert having sex with me.

And these were beautifullywritten stories.

I don't want to give youthe wrong impression.

It was not justbase pornography.

There was a lot of time andlyrical language spent in

describing the romanticismof each situation.

So, you know, a story mightbegin, you know, "Soft did

fall the snow outside the skilodge in Vermont, mounting up

inch upon snowy inch on thewooden windowsill, lit from

within by the glowof the roaring fire.

Around the fire did sit JonStewart and Stephen Colbert,

flushed from a long day'sskiing, toasting the

marshmallows on the dancingflames that surely they would

enjoy as s'moreslater that night.

In walked the butler."

Oh, who couldthat be, I wonder?

That is basically racist.

This is ignorance,is what that is.

That's just ignorance.

"Could I help you twogentlemen with anything?"

said the butler.

Exactly how they all speak.

"Anything I can do for you?"

Pish-posh,huffle-puffle, flip-flop.

"No, thank you, Mr. Butler,"said Stephen Colbert.

"But you can helpus with this."

Zip, thud.

And I'm going to stop there.

I'm going to stop there,because you don't need to

carry around in your headwhat I carry around

every day in mine.

The point is, who'd havethought that technology would

have reached a certain pointwhere I would find myself

alone in my office at work,

shouting out loud at myown computer screen,

"When do I at least getto have a go?"

Wait, what?

Before spendingthe rest of the day

trying to avoid JonStewart's direct gaze.

Don't look at me.

Don't look at me.

Don't-- Don't look at me.

It's different now.

Don't touch me.

It's-- Everythinghas changed now.

We are never goingskiing together.

Ever!

A ski trip is offthe cards for us now.

Are you ready for yourfirst acts this evening?

I'm already sweating.

Let's get into it.

I hate to start my set offso braggy, but I recently saw

television taping myselfof that show The Talk.

Still don't knowhow I got tickets.

If you don't know what TheTalk is, it's just like

The View...

in every way.

It's no difference.

They had a show and they'relike, "This one makes money.

What if we had two?"

Ah, and then they had two.

And, uh, and I wentto one of them.

Um,

so I went to The Talk.

And then halfway throughthe taping, uh,

the woman playing the Whoopicharacter,

Yeah, they had one of everybody.

She was like, "Everyone intoday's audience gets a free

year's supply of donuts!"

Which was the greatest newsI'd heard...

until I thought about it at all.

I'm like, "The world's mostdonut--" Wait a minute.

I probably don't needthe world's most donuts.

I'll not have that.

Uh, I don't know how manydonuts you guys think

are in a year's supply,

but according thedonut people

sitting up there in theirivory towers...

it's 52 dozen.

Too much?

Couple of you.

They picked it for a reason.

Uh, they had a meeting aboutit where they were like,

"All right, donut consumptionin a 12-month period?

Uh-huh.

For human beings.

Okay.

Yadda...I don'tknow, about 700?

Am I out of touch?

700.

Have you seen them?

We'll go with 700."

So they gave me a giftcard, and I could not

have all that power in myfingertips, so I immediately

sold it on eBay, uh, to awoman in Southern California

that I can onlyassume has died.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I never knew her.

But I can assume if you'retrolling eBay for donut

deals, it's time toturn that car around.

Uh, it's so awesomebeing in New York.

This is where I live,this is my home.

I love it here.

Thank you, you're veryimpressed.

Um, I was walking down thestreet the other day and I

saw a woman fallon the street.

She was totally fine.

We can laugh about it.

And she waswalking towards me.

And she tripped and she fell,but there was nothing

in front of her.

And it looked like she knewshe was going

to trip before she did.

She was walking and shewas like,

"Ah, oh no. Ah. Oh."

And this is how jaded Iam as a New Yorker:

when she fell, myfirst reaction,

I swear to God, was

"This woman is tryingto rob me."

100% I was like, "Iknow how this works.

She pretends to fall, I reachdown to help her, she takes

my wallet, a gypsy drives upon a Vespa, steals my baby."

So I helped her, but from,like, three feet away.

And I was like, "Here,give me your hand.

Let me see both your hands."

The other thing I'vediscovered about

people in New York is thatpeople in New York

are terrible with their money.

I saw a girl in a store theother day,

and she was holding a littledesigner dress,

and she was like,

"Oh, I can't afford this.

Better put it onmy credit card."

I was like, "You know whereelse you could put it?

Back on the [BLEEP] rack."

People just use creditcards like they're

gift certificates.

And now they have creditcards you don't even

have to swipe anymore.

You can just wavethem at stuff.

Like, whee!

Just like they'relittle, tiny magic wands.

Like, "Hi, I bought that.

Bought that too.

What's that?Can you ring me up?

Too late, I alreadybought it."

park and you're like, "Isthis ever going to change?"

You know?

And you're, like, looking atyour friend and you're like,

"How come they're notdoing the same thing?"

You know what I'm saying?

Or, like, sometimes you'llbe, like, uh--

Okay, you guys know.

But you-- Uh, have you guysever been, like, in a canoe

and you're like,"It's so wobbly."

Like, you know, you're trying tostabilize it or whatever,

and your friend keeps on,

"I'd better goget some more beer."

And you're like, "No,that's a bad idea, man.

It's really wobbly,"or whatever.

And he's like, "Okay."

Then he sits down.

Um, so, yeah, I just-- I havea crazy life, and, uh, I love

to tell, uh, stories about mycrazy life, and, uh-- And I

just find it fun to, like,you know, let people know

about it, because, youknow, people are like,

"I got stories too."

You know, and-- And it's cool.

We all have stories.

So that's-- That's coolthat-- That's good to know.

We're not alone.

But-- But we, um--

One time I was drinkingmilk and uh--

And my mom comes in andlike, "Ah, use a glass."

[LAUGHS]

It was the '80's, that'swhat we did.

Um...have you guys ever,like, uh,

eaten a chocolate bar

and you've been like,"Oh, this is a good

chocolate bar."

And then you, like-- Thenyou're like, "I'd better save

the rest later."

And you put it inyour pocket, you know?

And then you're, like,cruising around or whatever,

and you're like, "Oh,let me get that thing."

And you're like,"Oh, what the [BLEEP]?

Yo.

In America, do lots of thingsthat make-- Happening stuff,

But you got to know how todo river drive this

down to wear a helmet before.

Get tough inskateboarding in park and

fence, and then do aollie nosegrab

and your nose bleeds,

and the fan fan sail andthe parasail,

because nobody knowsyou always smell.

People get sad with thefamily thing,

you put a little thing andyou watch the thing,

and you tell other peoplethat you got a thing,

and they look atit and they say,

"That's true."

Lots of things inthis life-- What?

Lots of things in this life.

Whoop, whoop,whoop, whoop, whoop.

All I want to knowabout your things.

About them.

I just-- I, I want toknow about your things.

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

I want to knowabout your stuff, yeah.

I want to know aboutyour stuff, yeah.

I want to know aboutyour stuff, yeah.

I want to know aboutyour-- [AUDIO DISTORTED]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

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