Kennedy, Naturman, Arnez J., Paravonian

  • Season 5, Ep 506
  • 11/09/2001

David Alan Grier hosts Comedy Central's original stand-up series featuring Scott Kennedy, Dan Naturman, Arnez J., and Rob Paravonian.

AUDIENCE--

WE GOT A LOT OF COUPLES HERE,

RIGHT?

WE GOT SOME COUPLES OUT THERE?

I SEE YOU.

IT'S REALLY WEIRD WHEN YOU LOOK

AT COUPLES 'CAUSE THERE'S A

WHOLE DIFFERENT THING BETWEEN,

LIKE, SINGLE SEX AND MARRIED

SEX.

WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WHEN YOU'RE

SINGLE, IT FREE AND EASY,

ISN'T IT?

YOU JUST CALL UP FOR THAT

BOOTY CALL--

"HEY, GIRL.

WHAT'S UP?

I KNOW IT'S 3 A.M., BABY,

I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW

I'M COMIN' OVER TO TAP THAT

ASS."

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE, "OKIE DOKIE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NICE.

BUT MARRIED SEX IS A WHOLE

DIFFERENT THANG.

WHEN YOU MARRIED AND YOU WANT TO

HAVE SEX, YOU GOT TO PLAN AHEAD.

YOU GOT TO STRATEGIZE.

YOU GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO STRIKE.

YOU GOT TO HAVE MAPS AND

EVERYTHING.

PLOTTING IT OUT.

YOU GOT TO HIT YOUR WIFE

UNDER THE COVER OF DARKNESS.

WHEN SHE'S SLEEPING, TIRED,

WEAK...

PRE-OCCUPIED...

DROOLING ON THE PILLOW...

YOU GOT TO SNEAK UP FROM BEHIND

AND SNATCH HER QUICK!

AND YOU STILL MAY NOT GET NONE.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU I BARELY

EVEN GOT HERE.

I FLEW IN FROM TEXAS TODAY.

AND BEFORE I EVEN DO ANY BITS,

I JUST WANT TO BOUNCE THIS OFF

OF YOU.

WAS I THE ASS?

OR WAS THIS GUY THE ASS?

ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS THE EXACT CONVERSATION

I HAD THIS MORNING IN TEXAS.

CAB DRIVER COMES TO PICK ME UP.

HE GOES "WHERE DO YOU NEED

TO GO, MR KENNEDY?"

I GO "I NEED TO GO TO THE

AIRPORT."

HE GOES "WHERE ARE YOU

FLYING TO, MR. KENNEDY?"

"WELL, I'M FLYING TO NEW YORK

CITY."

I HAVE THIS BIG BLACK SUITCASE.

HE PICKS IT UP AND HE GOES "HMM.

BIG BAG, SHORT TRIP."

WHAT THE (BLEEP).

MAYBE ME STAY LONG TIME.

WHAT--

WHAT--

WHY WE TALK NATIVE AMERICAN

ALL OF A SUDDEN, PARTNER, HUH?

I LOVE TO WATCH COP SHOWS.

MY FAVORITE COP SHOW ON T.V.

IS "AMERICA'S MOST WANTED."

THAT IS THE MOST WANTED PEOPLE

IN AMERICA AND THEY'RE ASKING

FOR HELP.

I URGE YOU TO WATCH THAT SHOW.

IF YOU'RE A BIG FAN OF AMERICA'S

MOST WANTED-- I THINK IT WAS,

AH, THREE WEEKS AGO--

THEY HAD THAT GUY ON THERE GOING

ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY, ROBBING

ALL THOSE CONVENIENT STORES,

BEATING THE HELL OUT OF THE

CLERKS.

I WAS WATCHING THAT.

I'M ON THE ROAD LIKE TWO HUNDRED

DAYS A YEAR.

I FIGURE, I GOT A SHOT

AT CATCHING THIS PUNK.

(LAUGHTER)

IT WAS COOL, TOO, A WEEK AFTER

I SEE THAT PARTICULAR EPISODE,

I PULL INTO THIS CONVENIENT

STORE.

I'M GETTING OUT OF MY CAR.

I SEE THAT SAME GUY I SAW ON

"AMERICA'S MOST WANTED" COMING

OUT.

AND I FREAK, RIGHT?

I, AH--

MY HEART'S POUNDING, YOU KNOW,

I'M--

I WET MYSELF.

I WAS SCARED.

BUT I KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO.

I RAN OVER THERE.

I TACKLED HIM.

I'M HITTING HIM.

I'M HOLDING HIM DOWN.

POLICE SHOWED UP.

THEY ARRESTED ME.

(LAUGHTER)

APPARENTLY, THEY USE ACTORS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

I REALLY AM A GOOD COOK.

AND PEOPLE REALLY FREAK OUT

WHEN I SAY THAT.

I TELL MY FRIENDS ALL THE TIME

"I'M A REALLY GOOD COOK."

AND THEY ALWAYS GO "REALLY!"

THEY'RE THAT SHOCKED.

THEY GO "REALLY!"

LOOK AT ME.

WHY WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED

THAT I CAN COOK?

YOU KNOW, IT'S--

THE ONLY WAY YOU SHOULD BE

THAT SURPRISED IF I SAY

"HEY, I TEACH AEROBICS."

"REALLY!"

THAT SHOULD--

YEAH.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THAT, RIGHT?

THERE'S NOT WAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OH, MY GOD.

THE OTHER THING IS PEOPLE

ARE SURPRISED WHEN I TELL THEM

I'M GAY.

I REALLY AM GAY.

I KNOW YOU GUYS--

I'M FROM TEXAS AND YOU THOUGHT

I WAS GONNA BE A BIG RED NECK.

BUT I'M ACTUALLY A PINK NECK.

THAT MAY FREAK YOU ALL OUT.

I AM.

IF IT FREAKS YOU OUT, IT FREAKED

ME OUT WHEN I FIGURED THE WHOLE

THING OUT, BELIEVE ME.

THANK GOD I WAS AT MILITARY

SCHOOL.

HO-HO-HO.

YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU'RE PARENTS KNOW WHAT'S BEST.

TRUST ME.

I, AH--

I AM A BIG GAY GUY.

I'M FROM TEXAS.

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES NOW.

I LIVE IN WEST HOLLYWOOD,

CALIFORNIA.

WHICH, AH, IS VERY GAY.

AS A GAY MAN I WALK OUTSIDE

EVERYDAY AND GO "OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS GAY."

IT IS VERY GAY.

IT IS.

IT IS SO GAY.

WOW.

I'M IN LOVE WITH THE BAND

"BLINK-182".

I LOVE THAT BAND.

I'M NOT EVEN GONNA LIE.

(CHEERING)

THE ONLY REASON I'M SAYING THAT

RIGHT NOW, THERE'S NOT A JOKE.

I JUST WANT THEM TO SEE IT ON

T.V.

I LOVE THAT BAND, "BLINK-182".

YOU HAVE A BIG GAY GUY THAT'S

IN LOVE WITH YOU "BLINK-182".

RUN.

RUN FAST.

I, AH--

I'M TOTALLY FALLING IN LOVE

LATELY WITH 18 YEAR OLD BASEBALL

PLAYERS.

OH, MY GOD.

LOOK AT ALL THE STRAIGHT WOMEN.

WELL, GET IN LINE, FAT BOY.

SO DO WE.

YEAH.

RIGHT?

'CAUSE THEY'RE ADORABLE.

RIGHT?

BUT I JUST DON'T FALL IN LOVE

BECAUSE THEY'RE ADORABLE,

I ALSO LOVE BASEBALL.

THAT'S ARE NATIONAL PASTIME.

I LOVE IT.

I GO TO ALL THE COLLEGE FRESHMAN

PRACTICES AND HOME GAMES.

I SIT IN THE STANDS AND I YELL

MY HEART OUT FOR THAT TEAM.

YOU KNOW, PARENTS WILL ACTUALLY

LEAN OVER AND GO "WHICH ONE'S

YOURS?"

AND I GO "I HAVEN'T MADE UP

MY MIND YET."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND I CERTAINLY ENJOY

DOING COMEDY FOR YOU PEOPLE

OR FOR ANYBODY.

I JUST LIKE IT 'CAUSE IT'S

THE ONLY JOB LEFT IN THE WORLD

WHERE IT DOESN'T REQUIRE

COMPUTER SKILLS.

'CAUSE NOW A DAYS, MOST JOBS

YOU GOT TO BE COMPUTER LITERATE.

AND I DON'T LIKE COMPUTERS.

I HAVEN'T USED A COMPUTER

SINCE COLLEGE 'CAUSE I WOULD

TYPE UP PAPERS.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULDN'T

HAND WRITE THEM, OBVIOUSLY.

SO I WOULD TYPE THEM UP

ON THE COMPUTER AND EVEN THAT

WAS TOO COMPLICATED FOR ME.

LIKE THERE'D BE A POWER FAILURE

AND I'D LOSE THE WHOLE PAPER.

THAT HAPPENED A COUPE TIMES.

AND ONE TIME I WAS TYPING UP A

FIFTEEN PAGE HISTORY PAPER ON

THE COMPUTER AND I'M WORKING

THROUGH THE NIGHT ON THIS THING.

AND AN HOUR BEFORE IT'S DUE,

THE PRINTER BREAKS ON ME.

I STARTED TO PANIC.

I STARTED TAKING POLAROIDS

OF THE SCREEN.

(LAUGHTER)

AND--

YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

OH...

SO...

ANYWAY, AH--

SO ON THE ROMANTIC FRONT...

NOTHING NEW REALLY.

AH...

WELL, LAST NIGHT I HAD SEX

WITH MY OLD GIRLFRIEND...

NOT MY EX-GIRLFRIEND, MIND YOU,

MY OLD GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S SEVENTY-TWO...

SEVENTY-THREE.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

GETTING UP THERE.

NO SPRING CHICKEN,

I'LL GRANT YOU.

BUT STILL LOOKS OKAY.

SO MONEY IS TIGHT RIGHT NOW.

I'M THINKING ABOUT ROBBING

A BANK.

WELL, I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT,

BUT I PROBABLY WON'T GO THROUGH

WITH IT BECAUSE THEN I'LL GET

ARRESTED AND GO TO PRISON AND,

AH...

HOW LONG AM I GONNA LAST

IN JAIL, REALISTICALLY?

WITH THESE LIPS--

THESE ARE LARGE LIPS I HAVE--

AND, AH--

I JUST DON'T THINK...

(LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT AUDIENCE)

I DON'T IMAGINE...

JUST HARD TO IMAGINE THAT THE

OTHER PRISONERS WOULDN'T NOTICE.

NOW PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT

THE DEATH PENALTY ALL THE TIME--

OHH, THE DEATH PENALTY.

THAT'S CRUEL AND UNUSUAL.

BUT BEING SOMEBODY'S GIRLFRIEND

IS OKAY.

THAT'S NOT CRUEL AND UNUSUAL.

AT LEAST WITH THE DEATH PENALTY,

YOU GET A LAST MEAL FOR GOODNESS

SAKES.

SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT I WOULD

GET FOR MY LAST MEAL.

PROBABLY MEXICAN FOOD,

'CAUSE IT'S MY FAVORITE FOOD.

IT'S MAKES YOU A LITTLE GASSY

BUT SO WHAT.

YOU'RE GOING DOWN IN AN HOUR.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

AND THEN THEY'LL BE LIKE

"ANY LAST WORDS?"

"YEAH.

PULL MY FINGER."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"'CAUSE IF I'M GOING DOWN,

I'M TAKING THE REST OF YOU

WITH ME."

HEY, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN

BUT Y'ALL HAVE TO FORGIVE ME,

YOU KNOW, I'M A LITTLE TIRED

'CAUSE I AIN'T SLEPT IN LIKE,

THREE DAYS AND, AH--

IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE I'VE BEEN

FISHING SO MUCH AND...

BUT I CAN'T HELP IT BECAUSE

THE FISH WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE...

THEY'D BE CALLING ME

AT MY HOTEL ROOM, YOU KNOW,

LEAVING MESSAGES.

YO, ARNEZ, THIS IS THE

GROUP, DAWG.

WE WAITIN' ON YOU.

SO I WENT FISHING.

I WAS AT TAMPA FLORIDA FISHING--

FIRST OF ALL, SALTWATER FISHING

IN THE OCEAN--

I'M NOT USED TO THAT.

YOU KNOW?

I'M USED TO FISHING IN FRESH

WATER.

WE USE LITTLE BITTY LINES.

BUT THEY DIDN'T TELL ME

I NEEDED, WHAT IS CALLED A

TWENTY-FIVE POUND TEST LINE.

THAT'S LIKE WHAT YOU PUT ON THE

BACK OF TOW TRUCKS.

(LAUGHTER)

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU NEEDED THAT.

I'M THINKING I'M GONNA CATCH,

YOU KNOW, LITTLE BITTY FISH'S.

I DIDN'T--

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SALTWATER

OCEAN FISH HAD GANGSTER FISH

IN IT.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, I THOUGHT--

I THROW MY LINE OUT AND ALL OF

A SUDDEN THIS RED SNAPPER JUMPS

OUT OF THE WATER.

"WHO ARE YOU LOOKIN' FOR, DAWG?

WHO YOU LOOKIN' FOR?!

YOU AIN'T GONNA GET NOTHIN'!

WHO ARE YOU LOOKIN' FOR, DAWG?!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, MY LIFE IS ABOUT--

I DO TRUTH COMEDY, BUT IT'S

CARTOONISH.

I NEVER MET A GAY FRENCH

BLACK GUY BEFORE...

UNTIL I WENT TO L.A. TO PICK UP

A PARTNER OF MINE AT A DANCE

STUDIO.

AND, YOU KNOW, I'M STANDING

THERE WAITING ON HIM.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I HEAR THIS

VOICE OUT OF NOWHERE...

(GAY FRENCH ACCENT) "MAY I HELP

YOU?"

(LAUGHTER)

"MAY I HELP YOU?"

I SAY "WHAT?"

"MAY I HELP YOU?"

I SAID "NO, YOU MAY NOT

HELP ME."

HE SAID "WHO ARE YOU LOOKIN'

FOR?"

I SAID "I'M NOT LOOKIN' FOR

YOU."

(LAUGHTE

NEEDS TO STOP.

AND MEN NEED TO QUIT FIGHT--

MEN REALLY DON'T LIKE TO FIGHT.

BLACK OR WHITE.

WE DON'T LIKE TO FIGHT.

BUT BLACK WOMEN...

THERE'S SOMETHIN' WRONG WITH

Y'ALL.

(LAUGHTER)

Y'ALL GOT ISSUES.

A BLACK WOMAN WILL FIGHT

AT A DROP OF A HAT.

AND IF YOU CALL 'EM THAT ONE

WORD...

AUDIENCE>> BITCH.

ARNEZ J.>> THEY SWINGIN'.

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SEE

WHO SAID THE WORD.

ALL THEY GOT TO DO IS HEAR IT.

THEY CAN WALK BY--

"OH, LOOK AT THIS BIT--"

"WHAT?"

"LET GO OF MY HEAD."

"YOU LET GO OF MY HEAD."

"YOU LET GO OF MY HEAD."

"YOU LET GO OF MY HEAD."

"LET GO OF MY HEAD.

LET GO OF MY HEAD."

"WE CAN BE HERE ALL DAY."

"I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU SEE, WHITE WOMEN--

YOU SEE, YOU ALL ARE UNDER

A MISCONCEPTION.

A LOT OF WHITE WOMEN THINK

THEY CAN GO TOE-TO-TOE WITH

A BLACK GIRL.

NO, YOU CANNOT.

STATISTICS AND A DENTAL RECORD

SHOW...

THAT A WHITE GIRL CANNOT WHOOP

A BLACK GIRL.

NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE TOUGHER

THAN YOU...

BUT BECAUSE THEY DON'T TRAVEL

ALONE.

AND ALL THEIR FRIENDS WILL JUMP

YOU.

SEE, IF WE HAVE TWO WHITE WOMEN

TRAVELING TOGETHER, LET'S SAY,

YOU AND YOU.

IF TWO WHITE WOMEN ARE TRAVELING

TOGETHER AND IF SHE'S GETTING

BEAT UP, SHE WILL NOT HELP YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, SHE WILL YELL FOR YOU--

"AH, STOP IT!

YOU'RE KILLING HER!

HELP!"

"OH, MY GOD.

LOOK AT YOUR EYE!"

"HELP!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BUT LOOK--

I GOT TO GO.

I GOT TO GO.

BUT THE ONLY WHITE GIRL

THAT'LL HELP ANOTHER WHITE GIRL

IS IF SHE IS FROM THE SOUTH AND

SHE LIVES OUT OF A TRAILER HOME.

OH, MY GOD.

"WHATEVER, HONEY.

COME ON.

BRING IT ON IN.

BRING IT ON."

"WHATEVER, HONEY.

YOU'RE NOTHIN'.

YOU ARE NOTHIN'.

WHATEVER, HONEY."

OH.

WAIT A MINUTE.

LATINO WOMEN, WHERE YOU AT?

(LATIN WOMEN CHEERING)

YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH.

THOSE ARE THE ONES YOU NEED

TO LOOK OUT FOR.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY ARE WORSE THAN A

BLACK GIRL.

THEY'LL TALK TO YOU SLOW,

BUT THEY'LL STAB YOU QUICK.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEY'LL BE LIKE...

(HISPANIC ACCENT) "WHATCHU DOIN'

HERE?"

YOU BE LIKE "WHAT YOU MEAN?"

"NEVER MIND."

(MAKES STABBING SOUND)

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'LL STAB A FRIEND.

THEY DON'T CARE.

"LET GO OF ME, MARIA.

LET GO!"

"LET"--

I SAID "LET GO!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I LOVE Y'ALL, TOO.

LOVE TRIANGLE.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ I LOVE HER

♪ BUT SHE'S IN LOVE WITH

♪ ANOTHER MAN

♪ AND I'VE SEEN HIM

♪ AND I MUST SAY

♪ THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND

♪ WHY SHE WOULD PICK

♪ A MAN LIKE HIM

♪ INSTEAD OF ME

♪ AND I THINK

♪ AH, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING

♪ IT COULD BE

♪ HE'S GOT COKE

♪ SO HE GETS THE GIRL

♪ THERE'S NOTHING

♪ I COULD DO OR SAY

♪ I CAN OFFER HER

♪ A HEART THAT'S WARM

♪ BUT MY LOVE

♪ WON'T TAKE POWDERED FORM

♪ SO SHE WON'T GIVE ME

♪ THE TIME OF DAY

♪ IT'S BEEN HARD

♪ TO SEE MY GIRL

♪ WITH SUCH A THUG

♪ WHEN I CAN'T

♪ EVEN GET A FRIENDLY HUG

♪ I'LL NEVER WIN

♪ I GUESS I MUST MAKE

♪ THAT ADMISSION

♪ ALL THE CHARM IN THE WORLD

♪ IS NO MATCH

♪ FOR A CHEMICAL ADDICTION

♪ HE'S GOT COKE

♪ SO HE GETS THE GIRL

♪ AND THAT'S THE WAY

♪ IT GONNA BE

♪ THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE

♪ SHE DOESN'T CARE WHO I AM

♪ SHE MEASURES LOVE

♪ BY THE GRAM

♪ AND THAT'S WHY

♪ SHE'LL NEVER FALL FOR ME

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

♪ I THOUGHT I NEEDED

♪ CHARM AND GOOD LOOKS

♪ AND STRENGTH OF CHARACTER

♪ ALL THOSE WOMEN'S MAGAZINES

♪ TOLD ME SO

♪ BUT NONE OF THAT CRAP

♪ GOT ME ANY CLOSER

♪ TO WINNING HER

♪ 'CAUSE ALL I REALLY NEEDED

♪ WAS SOME BLOW, YOU KNOW

♪ NO, THAT'S ALL I NEED

♪ 'CAUSE SHE'S A HORRIBLE

♪ JUDGE TO THIS CHARACTER

♪ SHE ALWAYS FLOCKS

♪ I'LL NEVER GET HER

♪ TO BREAK FREE FROM

♪ HER SKINNER BOX

♪ HE'S GOT THE KEY

♪ TO THE PLEASURE CENTERS

♪ IN HER BRAIN

♪ THAT'S WHY HE

♪ HAS GOT MY LOVER

♪ SO WELL TRAINED

LAST CHORUS.

♪ HE'S GOT COKE

♪ SO HE GETS THE GIRL

♪ BUT I STILL THINK

♪ THAT I CAN WIN IN TIME

♪ I'LL STILL THINK I'LL WIN--

♪ 'CAUSE IF I EVER GET

♪ THE CASH

♪ I'M GONNA BUY MYSELF

♪ A MAJOR STASH

♪ AND THEN HER LOVE

♪ WILL BE INSPIRED

♪ AND SHE'LL NEVER GET TIRED

♪ AS LONG AS I KEEP HER WIRED

♪ SHE'LL BE MINE ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M JUST ACTUALLY HAPPY

TO BE PLAYING IN DOORS.

UM...

NO SERIOUSLY.

'CAUSE I PLAY ON THE SUBWAYS

A LOT.

HERE'S WHAT I LEARNED.

NO ONE GIVE A KID FROM THE

MIDWEST ANY MONEY PLAYING

ON THE SUBWAYS OF NEW YORK.

BUT, IF THEY THINK YOU'RE

AN IMMIGRANT SINGING SONGS

OF YOUR HOMELAND...

(LAUGHTER)

THEY FORK IT OVER.

SO IF YOU GUYS SEE ME

ON THE SUBWAY, JUST PLAY ALONG.

I'M PRETENDING I'M FROM EASTERN

EUROPE.

I'M SINGING...

♪ (SINGING IN ITALIAN)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I GOT ONE MORE SONG FOR YOU.

I WROTE THIS SONG WHEN I WAS

DOING A LOT OF SOUL SEARCHING.

HERE'S MY ADVICE TO YOU.

IF YOU EVER WANT TO DO ANY SOUL

SEARCHING...DON'T.

'CAUSE...YOU'LL END UP HAVING

TO MOVE, QUIT YOUR JOB--

IT SUCKS.

UM...

BUT I'D WRITTEN THIS SONG

ALREADY.

IT WAS TOO LATE, SO...

MAYBE YOU CAN RELATE

TO THIS ONE.

♪ I TOOK A GOOD LOOK

♪ AT MY LIFE

♪ WHAT I SAW I DIDN'T LIKE

♪ 'CAUSE THERE WAS NOTHIN'

♪ THAT WAS BUILT TO LAST

♪ UNDERNEATH ALL

♪ THE CHEAP VENEERS

♪ THERE'S NOTHING

♪ THAT CAN STAND THE YEARS

♪ IT ALL FALLS APART

♪ SO FAST

♪ PARTICLE BOARD--

♪ ALL THE FURNITURE I OWN

♪ I MADE OF PARTICLE BOARD

♪ IT'S ALL I CAN AFFORD...

♪ PARTICLE BOARD

♪ PARTICLE BOARD

♪ IS THIS WHAT I'VE BEEN

♪ WORKING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR?

♪ FOUR WALLS AND A DOOR

♪ PARTICLE BOARD

♪ I HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE ALONE

♪ 'CAUSE IF I EVER

♪ BRING A WOMAN HOME

♪ SHE'LL TAKE ONE LOOK

♪ AT MY PLACE

♪ AND ANY CHANCE IS BLOWN

♪ I GUESS THAT I HAVE TO ADMIT

♪ A GUY LOOKS LIKE

♪ HE CAN'T COMMIT

♪ WHEN A HEX-WRENCH

♪ CAN DISMANTLE

♪ ANYTHING HE OWNS

♪ PARTICLE BOARD

♪ IF I EVER MOVE

♪ I'LL LEAVE IT HERE

♪ ON THE FLOOR

♪ TO MOVE WOULD COST MORE

♪ THAN THE PARTICLE BOARD

♪ PARTICLE BOARD

♪ MY LIFE SUCKS

♪ AND IT CAN'T BE IGNORED

♪ ALL I CAN AFFORD

♪ IS PARTICLE BOARD

TAKE IT TO THE BRIDGE.

♪ I TRIED TO LIVE MY LIFE

♪ WITHOUT THINGS

♪ THAT TIE ME DOWN

♪ THAT'S WHY I ONLY BUY CRAP

♪ I WON'T MISS IF I SKIP TOWN

♪ BUT NOW I SEE

♪ THAT I CAN'T LIVE MY LIFE

♪ LIKE THIS FOREVER

♪ I'D LIKE TO OWN

♪ SOME FURNITURE

♪ I DON'T HAVE TO PUT TOGETHER

♪ BA-BA-DA-DA-DA

♪ IT'S THE POPS ON PART

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA

♪ PARTICLE BOARD

♪ I'M LOSING BADLY

♪ IF YOU'RE KEEPIN' SCORE

♪ ALL I CAN AFFORD

♪ IS PARTICLE BOARD

♪ ONE MORE TIME

♪ BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS

♪ PARTICLE BOARD

♪ ALL THE FURNITURE I OWN

♪ IS MADE OF PARTICLE BOARD

♪ ALL I CAN AFFORD

♪ IS PARTICLE BOARD ♪

THANK YOU, NEW YORK!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

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