Write 'Em Cowboy

  • Season 3, Ep 5
  • 10/14/2014

Steve becomes a country star after his songs are misinterpreted as gay innuendo, and Malloy makes a wish to become big.

- AW, LOOK AT MY LITTLE CUBSOF ANARCHY.

ARE YOU EXCITEDABOUT YOUR NEW BIKE?

- YES.

- HERE YOU GO, BUDDY.

- WHAT THE [bleep] IS THAT?

I ASKED FOR A MOTORCYCLE.

- MALLOY, WE BOTH KNOWYOU'RE NOT BIG ENOUGH.

BESIDES, THIS IS JUST AS COOL.

- I'M A BIG BOY.I'M A BIG BOY.

- I AM NOTGETTING ON THAT THING.

- NOT WITHOUT YOUR SAFETY GEAR.

- I LOOK RIDICULOUS.

EVERYBODY'S GONNA LAUGH AT ME.

- MALLOY, NO ONE'S GONNALAUGH AT YOU.

[laughter]

- THAT'S IT.

I'M GONNA GOSET UP THE KILL ROOM.

- DON'T FORGETYOUR OUTSIDE HELMET.

DADDY'S GOTTA PROTECTHIS LITTLE THERAPY PET.

[all gasp]

- YOU'RE ALIVE?

- YES. WHY?

- OH, WHEN YOU WERE TWO HOURSLATE, WE ASSUMED YOU WERE DEAD.

- WE EVEN WROTE YOUR OBITUARY.

- "STEVE WILLIAMS.

LIVED, DIED, FAT."

THAT'S IT?

WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTANY OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS?

- UH, WE SAID FAT.

- HOW ABOUT THE FACT THATI'VE BEEN RANGER OF THE MONTH

FOR YEARS?

- STEVE, IT'S ABOUT TIMEWE TOLD YOU.

THAT AWARD IS MEANINGLESS.

YOUR MEDAL ISA SNAPPLE CAP WE PAINTED GOLD.

- OH, MY GOD.

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHINGWITH MY LIFE.

WHEN I'M DEAD,NO ONE WILL REMEMBER ME.

- NOBODY GIVES A SHIT, STEVE.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

- DON'T FORGETYOUR BUBBLE ARMOR.

- I CAN'T BREATHE!

- [chuckles]HAVE FUN, LITTLE BUDDY.

STAY IN THE DRIVEWAY.

[crash]

I PULLED A LOT OF STRINGSTO HELP GET YOU THIS GIG.

HEY, BABY.

IT'S MY GIRLFRIEND'SGRANDSON'S PARTY,

SO DON'T SCREW IT UP.

- DON'T WORRY.THE KIDS WILL LOVE IT.

I'M DOING A SONG I WROTE ABOUTGUYS WHO WORK ON A MOUNTAIN.

- ALL RIGHT.NOW GO GET 'EM.

- [clears throat]

♪ MOUNTAIN MENI LOVE MOUNTAIN MEN ♪

♪ MOUNTIN' HARRY, MOUNTIN' TOM,AND MOUNTIN' BEN ♪

♪ SHARING A TENTWITH MY FAVORITE DUDES ♪

♪ I WANT TO BEMOUNTIN' MEN LIKE YOU ♪

♪ THEY'RE SWEATY, HAIRY,AND HARD AS A ROCK ♪

- STEVE, WHAT THE HELL?

YOU BETTERPLAY SOMETHING ELSE QUICK!

SOMETHING FOR THE KIDS.

- OOH, I'VE GOTA CUTE ROOSTER SONG.

- DO IT! DO IT!

- ♪ I'M IN THE BARN,I'M PLAYING WITH MY COCK ♪

♪ ALL THE BOYS LINE UPTO PET MY COCK ♪

♪ HE'S THICK, HE'S RED,HE'S GOT A BIG OLD HEAD ♪

♪ WHY DON'T I JUSTSHOW YOU INSTEAD? ♪

♪ RAISE YOUR HANDIF YOU WANT TO SEE MY COCK ♪

- KILL HIM!- LET'S GET HIM!

- RUN, STEVE, RUN!

- WHAT'D I SAY?WHAT'D I SAY?

WHAT'D I SAY?

THEY HATE ME.

WHY DID THEY HATE ME?

- STEVE, DIDN'T YOU THINKTHERE WAS SOMETHING...

QUEER ABOUT THOSE SONGS?

- I JUST WRITEWHOLESOME COUNTRY SONGS.

SEE?

- FARMHAND JOBS.

COME IN MY BACK DOOR, BUBBA.

RIDING THE BOLOGNA PONY?

- WHAT'D I TELL YOU?

- HMM.YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK YOU JUST NEEDA CHANGE OF VENUE.

- ♪ YOU SAY LOVE

♪ IS EASY

♪ BUT LOVEIS PAINFUL ♪

♪ BUT LOVECAN MAKE YOU CRY ♪

♪ BUT LOVECAN LEAVE YOU BLOODY ♪

♪ IT'S NOT EASY

♪ BUT LOVEFILLS YOU UP INSIDE ♪

[crowd cheers and whistles]